Hello Becca,
Yes it is normal. This is the end of seeking.
Do I throw a party now? :)
Like several moments of this experience, receiving that news causes such a unique and rich feeling; an indescribable ease, a cautious sense of accomplishment – or whatever feelings are associated with accomplishment. A sense of knowing. As in, Yes, that explanation (an end of seeking) feels true, and a part of me knew it before asking the question. Yet something is keeping that knowing in check. Something is keeping it from really being fully surrendered to. And, it’s thought. Thoughts like, “Don’t fully believe that.” And, “Don’t think you’ve accomplished something.” And, “You still have so much to learn.” (Interesting how much that all sounds like the proverbial ‘inner critic’, which requires an “I”). All that said, I feel it is true. I see it affecting my behavior, my perception of the environment and my body.
I feel motivation is arising from a more pure source. I now see how much of my motivation was driven by a form of need, by lack of something, by ‘shoulds’. By the need to be thought of in a certain way. By the need to not be thought of in a certain way.
I feel this entry onto demotivating erased the black board, and I’m quite fine with it being blank. However, a word will occasionally appear on the board, and it’s the only word there, and it’s clear, and it feels true, and it feels like a little gift to simply receive it. “Here, it’s time for this.”
Funny, I’ve been finding even small chores around the house: cleaning up, doing dishes, sweeping, folding and putting away laundry, pulling weeds, etc… have taken on an element of, almost pleasantness. (Or, maybe they’re just feeling less unpleasant). Yes, there’s an initial tinge of “I don’t feel like doing this right now”, but that quickly fades into a sense of simply doing what is to be done at that moment, without a thought of wanting or not wanting to do it. Without a thought of liking or disliking it. Just doing it. If anything, there’s a sense of “look what I get to do.” And that feels good.
Me: I simply do not want to engage in the thinking, in the intellectualism, and the philosophical working-through of it all.
You: I don’t either haha.
I love this.
The questions are the raft to the other shore. And unless you are using it to help others cross it is not ever again necessary. It was all a fabrication.
I like this analogy. It underscores the strange and remarkable feeling I have. Poignancy. There’s a feeling of fulfillment, yet a bittersweet awareness of what it cost in time, in effort, in stress, in anxiousness. In a lack of peace.
Me: I may simply be at some remarkable plateau, a false summit. A resting spot?
You: Could this be known except in thought and with some magical ability yo know the future which is also fantasy thought? It it enough to be here in what is? Now.
Take a look. Is there a chooser who could choose a path?
No. This is thought. This is seeing an effect and needing to categorize it, to label it, judge it, appraise it, in order to do the same to the “I”.
Yes. It is enough to be with what is.
Is there a chooser?: No. From the perspective of this practice, there is no chooser. However, choices are made. A specific action is performed over other possible actions. Which I believe is a segue to our last conversation…
Me: So no, there is not a someone choosing thoughts, but I’d like to address the choosing of reactions.
You: Lets put a pin in this one for next time, after the above foundation. Remind me…
We don’t need to dive into this deeply. I’m touching on intentional action. Action filtered through awareness. I’ll just say that I understand this is as, “There is no ‘chooser’, but choices are being made.”
And… IS ANYTHING MISSING?
I’ve devoted multiple occasions to sitting with this question.
Feeling answer: No. Nothing about this feels incomplete or lacking. There is no unfulfilled desire or wanting associated with it. Not even a, “but why?”. And I feel it’s a (what word to use . . . ?) fortuitous? Conducive? Healthier? State to be in.
Thinking answer: Familiarity with the experience is missing. It’s still new. Fresh. It’s different than the experience of seeking that I’ve grown so accustomed to and familiar with. So, there’s wonder, there’s curiosity, and some delight with the newness and the freedom. And there’s a certain amount of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” associated with it. As if I’m cautiously prepared for it to potentially go away. Which, is probably a lack of surrender to what is.
Thank you, Becca.
