I'm really sorry to hear about the surgery. I can completely understand why there is nervousness around it. Please know I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday.
That is beautiful. Notice what keeps happening… Something initially seems solid, then you look, and it quietly dissolves back into simply what is appearing. That has happened with self, with body, with death, with believing. Again and again, looking reveals something much simpler than thought first suggested.When I look closer it morphs into part of the sensation field.
Now to your question.
I want to be careful here. I don't know whether your sensitivity to medications will change, and I wouldn't want to pretend that I do. Your doctors are the right people to guide you medically. What I can point to is something we've been discovering together…Can you unpack any of that for me?
There is the practical situation – appointments, doctors, medication, surgery. All of that belongs to life and can be responded to as wisely as possible. Then there is everything thought adds - "What if...", "This always happens...", "I don't want to become a statistic."
Those are stories about a future that, as you've already discovered, cannot actually be found. That doesn't make them wrong. It simply means they are thoughts appearing now, just as we found with death, with choice, with "believing." Perhaps, over the next few days, don't try to stop believing anything. That is another subtle struggle. Instead, when a frightening thought appears, simply notice: a thought. Then notice what is actually here before the next thought arrives. You have done this beautifully many times now.
Perhaps there is something we can explore together. You described a great deal of fear around the surgery and the medications. Rather than trying to get rid of that fear... Become curious about it.
Suppose the fear could speak. What is it trying to do for you? What is it protecting? What does it believe would happen if it didn't arise?
Don't answer quickly. Let sensations answer before thought does.
Earlier we've seen that thought often arrives afterwards with an explanation. This time, don't look for an explanation. Stay with the sensations. Let fear do exactly what it does. See if, underneath all of its activity, there is a simple protective movement.
Fear works as a protective mechanism, a signal to not go somewhere unknown, unsafe, or dark. But, in experience, this signal is only a sensation triggered by thoughts. This sensation is not to be feared. Just as any other sensation, it comes and goes. When felt fully it dissipates. Explore it with curiosity, as if you have never seen it before. Ultimately, fear is sensations that prevent us from going into another sensation. Sensations are not to be feared; they are here to be experienced. And even if they are uncomfortable, they add a richness and juiciness to life.
When the mind sees that there is nothing behind the fear, the protection mechanism stops protecting that nothing. This may come like a shock, but what is the worst thing that can happen to nothing? Fear is a friend, really. It is protection. It guards from harm. But all those ideas that appear important cannot be harmed. The image of me is made by the mind. It is not something that can be harmed, can disappear, can die, or can be lost; it’s an image created by the mind and protected by fear, as if the mind instructed itself to forget to question the self-made image of identity. Don’t fear the sensation of fear. Say yes to it the next time it comes up and see what else you notice about this mechanism, about the nature of sensation and what triggers it. Explore it with curiosity, fearlessly.
Stay there. Not in the imagined future or the imagined outcome. Just here, leaning into this one unfolding moment.I am so enjoying leaning into my life.
Write when you're ready after the surgery. I'll be here.
Good luck!
Love
Rali
