Step 5, doubt, and wanting to be done with this

[avare]

hey pablo, hope you've been well!

had an interesting experience for a couple of hours or so recently. not really a shift or anything of that sort, but just an observation of a body feeling that I'd noticed once or twice before in the past, just now a lot more pronounced.

I was reading like normal for the days preceding this moment (an aside, I noticed that the feelings/mood/thought patterns, were closely linked to what was going on the novel I was reading, even when I wasn't reading)

but when I woke up the side I typically use was down. i tried refreshing, waiting, but nothing worked, so suddenly I couldn't keep reading. this sudden feeling of hollowness, a loss of interest in life, and lack of purpose became really pronounced. it was quite clear that at that moment none of the goals/aspirations I kept in the back of my mind I actually didn't really want.

the feeling wasn't very negative, but it did feel unpleasant when labeled by thoughts. it was as if I was using the novel I was reading as the context of 'my life' and when that went away, there was nothing to ground it in meaning or a point.

a couple hours after while watching different videos the feeling lessened and receded to the background, and throughout that process it was interesting to notice how thoughts and actions were re-contextualizing 'my life'. but not really seeing anything worthwhile (with the previous goals and future things to look forward to, seemingly losing their luster), trying to latch onto writing and become a writer.

[bluzulu]

LUCAS, what's happening?

[avare]

hey pablo! I hope you've been well :)

i've been on and off with the relax open practice. not much has changed in terms of experience here. mostly just more of the same. honestly would say the situation from my july 4th post is still pretty accurate.

the impetus to wake up has lessened but it seems thats more to do with the relative peace and relaxation that has been the norm here bc of no responsibilities/worries being in vacation.

in terms of experience or shift in identity or relation to thought, no change.

a brief overview of the current narrative, which I feel 'stuck' in: im enjoying my time doing what i want, but not moving closer to waking up so i label it as distraction and feel a bit bad about it (some self-blame/judgement going on) but not enough to 'stop distracting myself' or change my behavior if that makes sense.

i know it is just a narrative, just thoughts, but they do seem to be true/representative unfortunately.

any advice or pointer? i feel like im just repeating myself/nothing really changed which is kinda disheartening, coupled with the drive to wake up/look at experience to dissolve these filters being less it feels like I failed.

which of course, is just another thought and judgement since there is no timeline of how this is supposed to be happening and is just expectations not meeting reality ofc.

but yeah, that is more or less the state of thoughts as of now. :p