10,000Things

[DurangoK]

Dear Rali,

Did anything make it arise?

A mind story seems to make it arise, but that mind story is not me

Did anything make it change?

No, it just changed by itself

Did anything make it pass?

No

Or was there simply a continual unfolding?

Continual unfolding

What is wrong with anxiety being present?
Before the conditioned label "unpleasant" appears...what is actually present?

Sensation Fields. Then anxiety felt in body. Unpleasant is just a thought about that feeling.

Does unpleasantness itself resist itself?

No. That’s confusing. Anxiety and unpleasantness seem to become intermingled. Something resists the combo.

Does it ask to be different?

Unpleasantness? No, I guess not. It doesn’t seem to mind itself.

Or does the resistance appear as another thought?

Yes and then resistance increases the anxiety.

Unpleasant to what (we’ve seen there is no self)? Pleasant/unpleasant requires a judgement/an appraisal...

Unpleasant to thought. Unpleasant to the body.

Can an owner/detector of the unpleasantness be found?

Body detects it from thought.

Or is there simply “unpleasantness” arising within the same unfolding?

Yes, that too.

Something likes to feel awake during the day.
Look carefully. What exactly is that "something"?

Thought maybe.

Can it actually be found?
Or is there simply an urge appearing?

I can’t find anything but thought that likes to feel awake during the day, I just know that the body feels “bad” though it’s only a label.

Does life stop flowing until someone chooses?

No, life flows wether or not someone chooses.

Or does the next movement simply arise, just as the anxiety arose?

Thought seems to try to direct the next movement and then the movement simply arises or not. Am I regressing? It feels like thought is becoming a little mean being that sometimes gets its way.

Can a point be found where life is waiting for a controller?

No. Not when you put it that way

Or is there simply this continual unfolding/flowing presenting itself as a “practical functioning”?

Maybe.

This is harder than the other stuff!

I signed up for a 5 day online retreat with Angelo yesterday, which begins this upcoming Wednesday. I’m not supposed to check electronics during that time, but if it feels right I will check in anyway.

Love K

[poppyseed]

Dear Kristine
Thank you. I notice something very interesting happening - a few new characters seem to have appeared.

Unpleasant to the body.

Body detects it from thought.

I just know that the body feels “bad”

Look carefully.
Can a body actually be found detecting anything? Or are there simply sensations, thoughts and labels?
We’ve seen that body is just a label for sensations. Apart from sensations, can anything called "body" actually be found? Does the sensation itself say, "I am the body"? Or is "body" simply the familiar label thought gives to certain sensations?
Can sensations detect anything or feel bad? Or even sensation is a label for patterns in just this? Are there even patterns without thought observing “similarities”? So what is detecting what and what feels bad about what?? Can you spot the story?

anxiety felt in body

Can anxiety itself actually be found? In other sensations (called body)? Or is "anxiety" a label given to a changing mix of sensations and thoughts?
Does the sensation announce in a certain way that is something called "anxiety"? Can you find anything IN the sensation itself, or BEHIND the sensation that is anxious? Now look at the thought that comes with it. Can you find anything in the WORD ‘anxiety’ that is anxious?

Thought seems to try to direct the next movement.

That one really caught my attention.
Can a thought actually try? Can a thought intend? Can a thought direct?
Or are there simply thoughts appearing as conditioned comments on top of what is already happening, followed by more sensations appearing?
The following link is a 7 minute clip of a soccer game. If you prefer another sport…please feel free to find one to do this exercise with.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy5pL-myDzw
1. Watch one minute with the sound turned OFF, watching ‘people’ messing about with a round thing on a field, up and down, up and down. Let it sink in, the whole experience.
2. Once the first minute is completed, now watch another whole minute with the commentary turned ON.
Notice the differences.
Notice how the commentator (thought) offers lots of know-how, even advice. It seems to feel as though they can influence, somehow, what is going on, as though one outcome is much preferred to the opposite outcome. The commentary may seem to heighten any supporter feelings which are there, and call for an identification with one team or other, and with the importance of the game itself.
3. Now turn the volume OFF AGAIN and just watch the action with NO audible commentary, the shapes moving around on the screen etc. Again notice all the differences in what is appearing as experience.
4. Now turn the volume ON again and ignore what you think you know thought is talking about, and just notice it as sound.

What did you find when doing this exercise? Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen?
And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?
You even noticed:

It feels like thought is becoming a little mean being that sometimes gets its way.

Exactly. Look there.
Feels like?
Has thought quietly become the new little self?
Can such a thing actually be found?
Or are there simply thoughts arising as a “mean commentatary”?

I signed up for a 5 day online retreat with Angelo yesterday

I'm curious.
What drew you to it?
Is there something you hope to find?
Or is it simply an opportunity to continue looking?
Take your time with all of this.
There is no rush.
Love
Rali

[DurangoK]

Dear Rali,

Can a body actually be found detecting anything? Or are there simply sensations, thoughts and labels?

This is cracking me up for some reason. I see the body can’t detect anything. Body gets sensation and then thought labels.

Apart from sensations, can anything called "body" actually be found?

No

Does the sensation itself say, "I am the body"? Or is "body" simply the familiar label thought gives to certain sensations?

Body=Thought label.

Can sensations detect anything or feel bad?

Sensations just are.

Or even sensation is a label for patterns in just this?

Yes

Are there even patterns without thought observing “similarities”

No

So what is detecting what and what feels bad about what?? Can you spot the story?

Thought is making up story about anxiety feeling bad, based on sensation. I can just barely see a little unwinding.

Can anxiety itself actually be found? In other sensations (called body)? Or is "anxiety" a label given to a changing mix of sensations and thoughts?

“anxiety” is not found. Anxiety is a label for a changing mix of sensations and thoughts.

Does the sensation announce in a certain way that it is something called "anxiety"?

No. Thought makes that determination. But thought has no real substance either.

Can you find anything IN the sensation itself, or BEHIND the sensation that is anxious?

No and no.

Now look at the thought that comes with it. Can you find anything in the WORD ‘anxiety’ that is anxious?

No, it is empty of substance

Can a thought actually try? Can a thought intend? Can a thought direct?

Thought seems void of intention right now. It’s just doing it’s thought thing, or it’s just arising.

Or are there simply thoughts appearing as conditioned comments on top of what is already happening, followed by more sensations appearing?

Conditioned commentary followed by the ever present stream of sensation.

What did you find when doing this exercise?

It was nice watching with no sound/agenda.
The commentator then felt so loud, as if trying to make the whole thing more solid. I lowered the volume.
Sound off was nice again, watching shapes and colors.
Sound back on, hearing it as only sound, was difficult at first. Maybe I was preprogramed to not enjoy the sound.

Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen?

No

And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?

No. Life happens with or without inner narration.

Feels like?

Looks like thought is making itself the enemy. But that’s not possible.

Has thought quietly become the new little self?

The new adversarial.

Can such a thing actually be found?

A new little self, no. The new adversarial, seemingly not but that’s how it feels in the middle of the night. Maybe not the next time around though. I’ll look closer.

Or are there simply thoughts arising as a “mean commentary”?

Definitely this, yes.

What drew you to it?

I loved Angelo’s winter retreat. Was on the fence about this one because there is so much going on here in the summer, but it just arose that retreat would be perfect now. I’ve been so busy with exterior stuff.

Is there something you hope to find?

Emptiness. Busy-ness obscures emptiness, but it’s always here. I want to be gently forced to stop.

Or is it simply an opportunity to continue looking?

Yes, that especially!


Love K

[poppyseed]

Dear Kristine
Thank you.
I smiled a few times reading this. The lightness is lovely.

Thought is making up story about anxiety feeling bad, based on sensation.

Anxiety is a label for a changing mix of sensations and thoughts.

Yes. Beautiful. Nothing called "anxiety" could actually be found. Only sensations, thoughts, and a label.

Thought seems void of intention right now. It’s just doing it’s thought thing, or it’s just arising.

Wonderful. Notice how different that is from earlier when thought seemed to become the new adversary. So when you wrote:

The new adversarial.

Look carefully. Can an adversary actually be found?
Or are there simply thoughts commenting on other thoughts?
Can thought itself be an enemy, or perhaps an adversary to what or whom?
Or is "thought is the problem" simply another thought arising?

Another observation I really enjoyed was this:

The commentator then felt so loud, as if trying to make the whole thing more solid.

Exactly. Now look one step further.
Can the commentator actually make anything more solid? Or does it simply comment?
Does anything actually change because the commentary appears?
Or does life continue unfolding exactly as before?

One more thing caught my attention.

Emptiness. Busy-ness obscures emptiness, but it’s always here. I want to be gently forced to stop.

Let's look there in exactly the same way we've looked at everything else.
Can "emptiness" actually be found?
Or is "emptiness" another label that appears when no separate thing can be found?
Can busy-ness actually obscure anything, and if so, obscured for what or whom? Where is this observer that can’t see?
Or are there simply thoughts, sounds, colours and sensations appearing?
Is there an emptiness separate from what is appearing?
Or is "emptiness" simply another explanatory (spiritual) word?

Emptiness in the Buddhist sense simply means that something is empty of self-nature. And no-thingness means that things are dependent. Just like a school (or an apple) is a thing that doesn't exist. It is empty of school-essence. It doesn’t mean that there is no thought. Is there an expectation that thought should stop?
If there is 'awareness' of nothingness/emptiness, that is often a subtle image of nothing with very subtle sensations.
I think I gave you this video where emptiness is explained:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYqaWmc ... 4&index=42

So I think there is an expectation that thought should drop/become quiet. But is this expectation even yours? Are you the creator of that thought? OR are these all thoughts - thought self-organising?
Remember what we're doing here is not changing anything - just seeing how things actually are...

I loved Angelo’s winter retreat. Was on the fence about this one because there is so much going on here in the summer, but it just arose that retreat would be perfect now. I’ve been so busy with exterior stuff.

I liked that. One question came to mind:
Is there anything missing right now? Is there still seeking for better outcomes?
Or is the retreat simply another opportunity to look?
No need to answer quickly and mostly be honest with yourself. Just notice.
Enjoy the retreat.
Love
Rali

[DurangoK]

Dearest Rali,

Can an adversary actually be found?

No adversary is found

Or are there simply thoughts commenting on other thoughts?

Yes, that!

Can thought itself be an enemy, or perhaps an adversary to what or whom?

Thought can’t be an enemy or its own actual adversary either, or one to anyone else.

Or is "thought is the problem" simply another thought arising?

It’s just a thought arising. A glitch in the system, this apparent thought going against itself.

Can the commentator actually make anything more solid? Or does it simply comment?

No, the commentator can’t make anything more solid. It only comments. OMG, the commentator is my own thoughts. I’m a little slow.

Does anything actually change because the commentary appears?

The game does not change. Same game. The body still breathes, the world still turns.

Or does life continue unfolding exactly as before?

Life continues to unfold no matter what supposed game is playing. But it seems like thought can influence decisions (I’m guessing I’m wrong here, a decision is a thought, but then there appears to be a change of course). Stuff happens without thought though too.

Can "emptiness" actually be found?

No, it’s just another word. But I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling.

Or is "emptiness" another label that appears when no separate thing can be found?

Yes

Can busy-ness actually obscure anything, and if so, obscured for what or whom? Where is this observer that can’t see?

Busyness seems to distract no-one from quietness.

Or are there simply thoughts, sounds, colours and sensations appearing?

Simply thoughts sounds colors sensations appearing, but sometimes they seem to influence more than other times.

Is there an emptiness separate from what is appearing?

No. Thought puts non-emptiness onto the emptiness and then thought believes it can do that. I’m just along for the ride.

Or is "emptiness" simply another explanatory (spiritual) word?

Yes

Is there an expectation that thought should stop?

No expectation that thought will stop, but a hopeful that thought will back off a little. Thought hoping for itself to go away.

But is this expectation even yours? Are you the creator of that thought? OR are these all thoughts - thought self-organising?

Seems to be only thought creating more of itself.

Is there anything missing right now?

No.

Is there still seeking for better outcomes?

Yes, in general. I would like my painful health issue to go away. I would like my art to improve. But whatever happens or doesn’t happen in the retreat is totally okay.

Or is the retreat simply another opportunity to look?

Yes

Love K

[poppyseed]

Dear Kristine
This was a delight to read.

OMG, the commentator is my own thoughts. I'm a little slow.

😊 Well… You looked carefully enough to notice something that is usually taken for granted.

Thought hoping for itself to go away.

Yes! What a beautiful observation. Thought doesn't seem to like some of its own content, and then more thoughts appear about that. No separate manager is needed for any of it.
One place I'd like to look just a little more closely is here:

Sometimes they seem to influence more than other times.

Influence what?
Look carefully.
What exactly is being influenced? Can it actually be found? Or is there simply another unfolding of thoughts, sensations ... - just this (when all the labels are stripped)?

But it seems like thought can influence decisions

Seems like? :)
Let's revisit something you discovered earlier in our dialogue.
Do you remember the hand-turning exercise and the choosing exercise?
You found no controller/chooser/decision-maker. You wrote:

The choice was simply there

Sometimes a thought tries to claim ownership but it's only a thought.

Now look at this fresh.
Has anything changed?
Can a thought actually influence a decision, or is it just commenting on what is already happening?
Here is a video you might enjoy:
https://vimeo.com/90101368?fbclid=IwAR3
Check! Is "thought influenced the decision" itself another thought appearing afterwards?
Look at an ordinary moment today. Perhaps reaching for a cup. Standing up. Changing direction while walking…
Can a point actually be found where a thought causes a decision?
Or do thoughts simply arise, sensations simply arise, and afterwards another thought says, "That thought made this happen."
No need to answer from memory. Look exactly as you did before.

I would like my painful health issue to go away. I would like my art to improve.

Of course. There is nothing strange about preferences arising. The interesting question isn't whether preferences appear - they clearly do. The question is:
Can an owner/the thinker of those preferences be found?
Or are preferences simply another appearance, just like any other thoughts, and sensations?
Wanting “more” is the flip side of lacking “something”. Wanting is a sign that something is incomplete, or missing. But have a look at this differently - wanting more is just that—wanting. Spontaneous actions are happening, and so is the thought story (self-organising around the experience).
Is there an “I” that engages with the “wants”? Is there a doer that responds to the wants?

The very mechanics of thought, the endless striving for more, is what keeps you from seeing that this is already a perfect expression - it can only be this way. To “improve” suggest that there is something wrong with it, like it can be different than what it IS (causes and effects on the level of thought). But can it be in a different way than it is now, perfect? And I don't mean "perfect" as a quality - it's perfect because it can't be any other way. THIS (What IS) is beyond qualities and flaws to be added or removed, accepted or rejected. Faults and flaws in THIS can be found only in thought which, defines THIS as “positive" or "negative”, to be desired or avoided. Surrendering is what is left when resistance to what is ends. Peace is here when there is no resistance to what already is.
Staying in the gap of the “want” is an amazing opportunity for discovery - thought can reorganise around what really is happening. Seeing the conditioned thoughts that arise with the sensations, checking their validity (is this really happening) – just noticing. If there is action to be taken it will take itself – like the want to eat would resolve in “you” going to the fridge… - if there is action “you” can take when a want comes up, then take it. If not, just watch, smile, take notes, and release.

Enjoy Angelo's retreat. Not to find anything that is missing. Just another opportunity to look freshly.

We'll pick up again afterwards.
Love
Rali

[DurangoK]

Dear Rali,

It’s been no time at all.

“Sometimes they seem to influence more than other times.”
Influence what?

Having trouble following the thread of what this refers to. Probably thought.
I’m seeing that sensation is more interesting/full than thought. Attention naturally in sensation more often.

What exactly is being influenced? Can it actually be found? Or is there simply another unfolding of thoughts, sensations ... - just this (when all the labels are stripped)?

I thought before that thought was influencing action. Probably still in the habit of assuming cause and effect, but that’s unraveling. I see something about time that thought can’t result in effect because cause-and-effect requires time and there’s only now. So there can only be unfolding of thoughts and sensations. Thoughts are interesting though in how there can be a whole seeming truckload of material in a tiny wisp of partially and instantly formed thought.

“But it seems like thought can influence decisions”
Seems like? :)

You got me again! Looking directly, no.

“(Hand turning and choosing exercises) Has anything changed?”

Choosing happens on it’s own. Almost like the object is lighting up as chosen. Not by me. In this case, which color pastel crayon.
And the hand simply turns.

Can a thought actually influence a decision, or is it just commenting on what is already happening?

Thought is only commenting but it’s empty.

Is "thought influencing the decision" itself or is it simply another thought appearing afterwards?

Another thought appearing afterwards.

Can a point actually be found where a thought causes a decision?

Definitely not.

Or do thoughts simply arise, sensations simply arise, and afterwards another thought says, "That thought made this happen."

Yes I see this. Habit may persist for a while, but that’s only a thought so maybe not.

Can an owner/the thinker of those preferences be found?

No. It is long term habitual thought that happens to no-one.

Or are preferences simply another appearance, just like any other thoughts, and sensations?

Yes, I see that.

Is there an “I” that engages with the “wants”? Is there a doer that responds to the wants?

Interesting about this ‘wanting’ phenomenon.
Thought thought there was an I engaging with the wants. But there is no proof that that is the case. No doer. Something arises or it doesn’t.

But can it be in a different way than it is now, perfect?

Never!

“Staying in the gap of the want”
I love this as a practice. Thank you.

Retreat was perfect. There was an enormous amount of physical pain for two days, which became complete surrender to pain during the last night’s sit. I asked the hardest thing then, ‘is there any way at all my deceased mother is with me, I need to see’. I saw shortly no separation, from anyone, no distance anywhere, checked everything we’ve been working on, checked sound, checked heart energy, time, everything that came. Many tears. Next morning no pain, but an empty off balance headiness resolved shortly. Stuff is unfolding. Sounds, driving. I don’t need to tell you.

Thank you so much.

I’m moved to also say that Angelo was amazing throughout. So fun to see.

Lots of love, K

[poppyseed]

Dear Kristine,
Welcome back. 😊
Reading this, what stood out most wasn't the retreat itself, but the simplicity of your looking.

You got me again!

😊
It's becoming easier to catch the little assumptions as they arise. Not because you're thinking harder, but because you're looking more directly.

Habit may persist for a while, but that’s only a thought so maybe not.

Exactly. There is no need to predict whether habit will remain or disappear. That too is a thought about an imagined future.
Just this is enough.

I was also touched by what you shared about the retreat. Thank you for sharing it.
Rather than the particular experiences, what interests me is something much simpler.

Stuff is unfolding.

Can anything be found that is separate from this unfolding, right now?
I’m not talking about memories or conclusions about the retreat.
Just now.
Is there anything outside of this unfolding?
Or is there simply whatever is appearing?

But can it be in a different way than it is now, perfect?

Never!

Just notice the quiet simplicity of that - nothing to hold onto or to make into a philosophy.
Just another ordinary observation :)

Is there anything that still feels sticky?

We've explored many different areas together. Before we continue into anything else, I'd like to hear your own summary.
What has been seen?
What hasn't?
Is there anywhere a separate self still hides?
What still feels unresolved?
What still feels personally significant?
What still creates suffering and seeking?

Love
Rali

[DurangoK]

Dear Rali,

Sorry for the delay. I had an unexpected medical diagnosis that threw me for a bit and internal stuff has been sorting itself out.

Can anything be found that is separate from this unfolding, right now?

Nothing.

Is there anything outside of this unfolding?

No.

Or is there simply whatever is appearing?

Yes. And there is perfection in that.

Is there anything that still feels sticky?

Death. Despite the opening last week, what is showing up again is emptiness feeling that I'm interpreting as dead means gone. Maybe it does. My spiritual beliefs and experiences don’t align with that at all though.

What has been seen?

Some degree of truth/DE. Distance, sound, no separate self. That if I stay open it’s always there. The sensation field is all. Thought is another sensation.

What hasn't?

Anxiety seen though but not to the degree that it’s eminently helpful. Could use circling or maybe psychedelics. Circling scary.

Is there anywhere a separate self still hides?

Less in social situations now.
To a degree in considering my own death.

What still feels unresolved?
What still feels personally significant?
What still creates suffering and seeking?

The body. Health stuff. Mine is extremely sensitive to everything, which medicine has labeled MCAS. Yet I live well and happy despite pain and some limitations. I wondered at the retreat how much symptomology is created from trauma and unnecessary. Leaving my husband 3 years ago improved my body so much. Now there is another hopefully temporary health challenge to be in so this feels especially poignant.

Thank you Rali,
LK

[poppyseed]

Dear Kristine
I'm sorry to hear about the unexpected diagnosis. I hope things settle as gracefully as they can.
Reading your reply, one thing stands out very clearly - again and again you return to what is actually here:

Simply whatever is appearing.

That has become very natural.

Death. Despite the opening last week, what is showing up again is emptiness feeling that I'm interpreting as dead means gone.

Let's look there in exactly the same way we've looked at everything else - not at ideas, spiritual beliefs, memories or hopes about death.
Right now.
What exactly is "death" in direct experience?
Can death actually be found?
Or are there simply thoughts, images, sensations and emotions appearing now?
That word "interpreting" is interesting in:

Emptiness feeling that I'm interpreting as dead means gone.

What is the feeling before the interpretation?
Without the thought "this means gone," what is actually present?
Can "gone" itself be found?
Or is "gone" another thought about what is here?
Earlier in our dialogue we looked carefully at time. You found that the past appeared only as memory. The future appeared only as thought.
Has that changed?
Right now, where is this future in which death is imagined to occur?
Can it actually be found?
Or is there simply thoughts, sensations and images appearing now?
Without the thought of a future...
Where is death?
Compare:

There is perfection in that.

vs

Death.

Those two sit side by side beautifully. Rather than trying to resolve them philosophically, you can simply ask:
Is death ever anything other than a present thought about an imagined future?
That's a continuation of your inquiry into time, not a new topic. It brings the investigation full circle.

The body.

Look carefully.
Earlier you saw that "body" is a label for sensations.
Has that changed?
Apart from sensations and thoughts, where is this "body" that creates suffering?
Or is there simply sensations appearing, together with thoughts about health, the future and limitation?
This doesn't mean practical care shouldn't happen. If medical treatment is appropriate, then treatment happens. The question is different.
Can suffering itself be separated from the thoughts about what should or shouldn't be happening?
Or is there simply this unfolding, together with thoughts commenting on it?

There is perfection in that.

Don't turn that into another spiritual belief. Simply notice it when it is obvious. And when it isn't obvious, notice that too.
Nothing has gone wrong.
Enjoy looking, just as you have all along.
Love
Rali

[DurangoK]

Dear Rali,

The alarm triggers around death as answered here are mostly over other peoples and animals death. Even one’s I don’t know. My own is not as triggering.

What exactly is "death" in direct experience?

Seeing (or knowing) body not inhabited, initially. Then chest and throat feeling.

Can death actually be found?

No. Maybe that’s what triggers me.

Or are there simply thoughts, images, sensations and emotions appearing now?

Yes.

What is the feeling before the interpretation?

A rush of something in the throat/chest area.

Without the thought "this means gone," what is actually present?

All the sensations.

Can "gone" itself be found?

No. But the sensation is there.

Or is "gone" another thought about what is here?

Yeah. It’s a thought
I’m so triggered doing this, whenever I entertain any death. Total waterworks. More now than ever. It has a mind of its own.

Earlier in our dialogue we looked carefully at time. You found that the past appeared only as memory. The future appeared only as thought. Has that changed?

When I look it’s obvious.

Right now, where is this future in which death is imagined to occur?

No future. I see there is no past where death occurred too.

Can it actually be found?

No.

Or is there simply thoughts, sensations and images appearing now?

Yes that.

Without the thought of a future...Where is death?

Can only be in the moment.

Is death ever anything other than a present thought about an imagined future?

No. But still triggered, which means the appearance of many tears and chest/throat sensation.

Earlier you saw that "body" is a label for sensations. Has that changed?

No

Apart from sensations and thoughts, where is this "body" that creates suffering?

Only sensations and thoughts.

Or is there simply sensations appearing, together with thoughts about health, the future and limitation?

Some future question mark thoughts appearing but it’s lessening. The fear now seems more about childhood trauma.

Can suffering itself be separated from the thoughts about what should or shouldn't be happening?
Or is there simply this unfolding, together with thoughts commenting on it?

Yeah I guess so. The part about thoughts is confusing though. I see thought as different than the other sensations in a way. Less of the enemy now at least.

Thank you Rali,
LK

[poppyseed]

Dear Kristine,
Thank you for taking the time to look so carefully, especially when it brought up so much emotion.
One thing stands out very clearly throughout your reply... When you looked, you found that “death”, “gone”, “future”, or “body” cannot be found apart from sensations and thoughts. Yet tears came. Notice that there is no contradiction there. The looking doesn't stop sensations from appearing. It simply reveals what is actually here.

The alarm triggers around death as answered here are mostly over other peoples and animals death. Even one’s I don’t know. My own is not as triggering.

That surprised me a little. Earlier in our dialogue we looked very carefully at "others." You found no separate self there either.
Has anything changed?
When the thought of someone else's death appears...
What exactly is imagined to be lost?
Don't answer from memory. Look now.
Is an "other" actually found?
Or are there thoughts, images, sensations and love appearing?

This caught my attention:

I’m so triggered doing this, whenever I entertain any death. Total waterworks. More now than ever. It has a mind of its own.

Let's look there.
What exactly has a mind of its own?
Can tears have a mind?
Can sensations have intentions?
Or are there simply tears appearing, sensations appearing, and afterwards a thought trying to explain them?

The part about thoughts is confusing though. I see thought as different than the other sensations in a way.

Good. Stay there…
In what way does thought seem different? Not in theory or as an explanation - look directly.
How is a thought actually known?
Does it have a colour? A shape? A weight? A location? Can it be held onto?
Or is it simply another appearance that comes and goes, just as sensations do?
Earlier you wrote:

When I look it's obvious.

Notice how often that has happened throughout our dialogue. Thought presents a convincing story. Then you look and the story quietly loses its certainty. That doesn't mean emotions must immediately disappear. It simply means they are no longer taken as evidence that the story is true.
Continue exactly as you have been. Nothing needs to be forced. Nothing needs to be resolved.
Just keep looking with the same honesty you've shown all along.
Love
Rali