No longer seeking yet wanting to connect

[Somerton]

Hello Becca,

Me: There is exclusive coupling of what I am calling ‘needs’ to a physical entity.

You: Right now, in immediate experience, where is the “physical entity” apart from sensation + image + thought-label?

Apart from all measures by which something is experienced (sensation, image, thought) it does not exist.

I see how this points toward the concept of non-existence of all things; beginning with our own body.

I feel I had a clearer understanding of this a week ago, yet it’s feeling foggy now. I’m not fully settled in my understanding. My counter to this is, “Well, of course if you remove all ways by which something is experienced, it obviously isn’t experienced and therefore doesn’t exist.”
I suppose I’m missing the deeper point of your question.

Am I to uncouple the sensations of experiencing a body from the body? And (for more reflection) what is doing this coupling and uncoupling?

Are we to uncouple the felt sensations of experiencing a sunrise from the sun? -- OK. I believe I just answered the body question :)

Of course the sensations are not the sun, nor owned by or belong to the sun, just as the sensations are not the body. They may be representative of what is currently perceived about the body compared to all other remembered or imagined states of it — just as the sunrise represents a momentary perception of the sun in relation to all other remembered or imagined states of it.

OK, I think I get it.

So now, without thought referring to “my body”, is there an owner of sensation anywhere? Or only sensation appearing?

Shot answer: No. There is only sensation appearing.

Long answer: I reflected on the meaning of “ownership”, and the concept of something “belonging” to us. A commonality among living things is the desire to protect and have some control over what we identify as belonging to us. A house, a hive, offspring, food, money, a body and the sensations and emotions that occur ‘within’ it. (I believe this is what you’re getting at with your first question – an relinquishing of sensations as belonging to the body). Even if these sensations or emotions are labeled ‘bad’ or ‘unwanted’, we still want to control them, to make them go away, or change their intensity, to transform them into some other sensation. It is all control. And the only way to control something is to hold on to it, while we attempt to shape it into something else. This points to a cause of much suffering. The desire to control and reshape what is “ours” into something it is not. (Or should I say, something 'we' are not). If sensation is not ours to hold on to, to control, then it is simply passing through, entering awareness and exiting awareness, perhaps remaining as long as it needs to inform us of why it’s there. Greater suffering arises when we don't allow it to pass because we have other plans for it.

Does the sensation itself claim ownership, or is that added afterward by thought?

No. The sensation does not claim ownership. It just is. The thought of ownership or belonging is added afterwards.

Me: …have you ever felt that this is exhausting?”

You: On a psychological level ‘exhausting’ is a story. . . One to be explored. So, what are you experiencing?

This observation was written during a very busy work week, after a very long day, after a couple of hours devoted to reflecting on these questions. I do very much enjoy the process, yet the sensations I experienced at that point were what I would label as “tired”, “fatigue”, (I did indeed develop a headache for a day and half during and after reflecting), a heaviness of the body and a lacking of energy to both move with vigor and to continue focused awareness on the questions.
Basically, I believe focused thinking, reflecting, is work. Due to the sensations that arose while involved in the process. Sensations I associated with and labeled exhaustion. I suppose there is the possibility of an effortless reflecting process in my future. I do tend to grip quite tightly to tasks that could be held gently and still accomplished.


Thank you, Becca.

[Somerton]

Hello Becca,

Me: There is exclusive coupling of what I am calling ‘needs’ to a physical entity.

You: Right now, in immediate experience, where is the “physical entity” apart from sensation + image + thought-label?

Apart from all measures by which something is experienced (sensation, image, thought) it does not exist.

I see how this points toward the concept of non-existence of all things; beginning with our own body.

I feel I had a clearer understanding of this a week ago, yet it’s feeling foggy now. I’m not fully settled in my understanding. My counter to this is, “Well, of course if you remove all ways by which something is experienced, it obviously isn’t experienced and therefore doesn’t exist.”
I suppose I’m missing the deeper point of your question.

Am I to uncouple the sensations of experiencing a body from the body? And (for more reflection) what is doing this coupling and uncoupling?

Are we to uncouple the felt sensations of experiencing a sunrise from the sun? -- OK. I believe I just answered the body question :)

Of course the sensations are not the sun, nor owned by or belong to the sun, just as the sensations are not the body. They may be representative of what is currently perceived about the body compared to all other remembered or imagined states of it — just as the sunrise represents a momentary perception of the sun in relation to all other remembered or imagined states of it.

OK, I think I get it.

So now, without thought referring to “my body”, is there an owner of sensation anywhere? Or only sensation appearing?

Shot answer: No. There is only sensation appearing.

Long answer: I reflected on the meaning of “ownership”, and the concept of something “belonging” to us. A commonality among living things is the desire to protect and have some control over what we identify as belonging to us. A house, a hive, offspring, food, money, a body and the sensations and emotions that occur ‘within’ it. (I believe this is what you’re getting at with your first question – an relinquishing of sensations as belonging to the body). Even if these sensations or emotions are labeled ‘bad’ or ‘unwanted’, we still want to control them, to make them go away, or change their intensity, to transform them into some other sensation. It is all control. And the only way to control something is to hold on to it, while we attempt to shape it into something else. This points to a cause of much suffering. The desire to control and reshape what is “ours” into something it is not. (Or should I say, something 'we' are not). If sensation is not ours to hold on to, to control, then it is simply passing through, entering awareness and exiting awareness, perhaps remaining as long as it needs to inform us of why it’s there. Greater suffering arises when we don't allow it to pass because we have other plans for it.
Does the sensation itself claim ownership, or is that added afterward by thought?

No. The sensation does not claim ownership. It just is. The thought of ownership or belonging is added afterwards.

Me: …have you ever felt that this is exhausting?”

You: On a psychological level ‘exhausting’ is a story. . . One to be explored. So, what are you experiencing?

This observation was written during a very busy work week, after a very long day, after a couple of hours devoted to reflecting on these questions. I do very much enjoy the process, yet the sensations I experienced at that point were what I would label as “tired”, “fatigue”, (I did indeed develop a headache for a day and half during and after reflecting), a heaviness of the body and a lacking of energy to both move with vigor and to continue focused awareness on the questions.
Basically, I believe focused thinking, reflecting, is work. Due to the sensations that arose while involved in the process. Sensations I associated with and labeled exhaustion. I suppose there is the possibility of an effortless reflecting process in my future. I do tend to grip quite tightly to tasks that could be held gently and still accomplished.


Thank you, Becca.

[graceabounds]

Hello there,

Is awakening a project or a problem to be solved?
Who would do such a thing?

Here is a simple exercise I’d like you to work with for a day or two. Label daily activities simply color/image, sound, smell, taste, sensation, thought.

So for example, when having breakfast, become aware of:
Seeing a cup, simply= image/color
Smelling coffee, simply = smell
Feeling the warmth of the coffee cup, simply = sensation
Tasting the coffee, simply = taste
Hearing the spoon stirring the coffee, simply = sound
Thought about drinking the coffee, simply = thought

Just break down daily activities into these categories (which are all actual or direct experience) and report back how you go.

No hours of work needed for this. Just a moment. Hold it gently :)

[Somerton]

Is awakening a project or a problem to be solved?

I now realize that, yes, I very much treat it as a project and a problem to be solved.
Is it not an endeavor designed to produce a result? Is that not why we’re all here?
A desire for a result? Are you not assisting, coaching, mentoring me and others with our endeavor?
I ask these questions sincerely, yet I also understand that the adage of embracing the journey rather than the destination applies. I can see where treating this as a project, as a problem, a goal, is only feeding that which I am wanting to release.

Who would do such a thing?

Me. Obviously :)
Taking your question literally, and addressing “who”, or “what type of person”, would do such a thing, I reflect on my own disposition, perceptions, and thoughts. The “who” is someone that places great importance on achieving measurable results. Someone with expectations. Someone who understands intellectually that they are searching for something that is not to be found, yet habit validates and legitimizes great effort, acquisition through work, and sacrifice as the means to achieve what is wanted. It’s the opposite of grace.

Someone who desires tranquility, contentment, peace of mind, and wisdom. Someone who knows they will likely never be immune to pain, frustration, anger, impatience, and what are typically labeled “unwanted” feelings, yet would like those feelings to be comparatively infrequent and quickly fleeting — I now see this as a ‘want’ as well — and feels that effort, work, and practice are means of acquiring a ‘something’ they do not presently possess. (What I feel I do not possess is a “result” in terms of viewing this as project. And a “solution” in terms of viewing this as a problem to be solved). Because this is their perception of how one acquires what they desire.

This question has deepened my reflection on the detriment of seeking what is not to be found. That it is the very seeking, the trying, the grasping, the looking passed and beyond, that is clouding from view what is already there. The holding gently.

Your recommendation to simply be present is a simple and elegant representation of what is to be practiced. (And practiced gently).
A couple of days away from work this holiday weekend, away from what so often triggers my reaction of frustration and anger, does indeed allow my mind to do this with ease. I am able to be present, only listening, only seeing, only sensing, and with it comes an openness, and lightness, a nearly effortless contentment that produces the wonder that I am indeed seeking more of. Remaining present as often as possible, even while at my job, is my “project”. My practice.

Thank you for this offering, Becca.

Be well.

[graceabounds]

Hello Somerton,

I can see where treating this as a project, as a problem, a goal, is only feeding that which I am wanting to release.

Exactly. The seeking energy itself is here to produce a result. I don’t produce a result and neither do you. I sit here with a system in a natural process.

It can be helpful to set aside as much as possible the expectations of others experiences of this shift in perception. The constant comparing to a desired result is always selfing because it is out of time with what is happening now. Here we LOOK instead of Think.

Keep up the labeling exercise (simply smell, image/color, taste etc..) for a few minutes each day. It will be supportive.


Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts. Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?
Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts? Thoughts of anger, frustration or impatience?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’

Someone who knows they will likely never be immune to pain, frustration, anger, impatience, and what are typically labeled “unwanted” feelings, yet would like those feelings to be comparatively infrequent and quickly fleeting — I now see this as a ‘want’ as well — and feels that effort, work, and practice are means of acquiring a ‘something’ they do not presently possess.

When this arises next, see what happens if it isn’t labeled unwanted. What is here to be seen? Sit with the pure raw unlabeled energy behind these emotions. Where are they in the body? Do they move? How big are they? Do they have temperature? Tell me all about the sensations underneath the label ‘frustration’ or ‘anger’ or ‘impatience’.

-Becca

[Somerton]

Hello Becca,

Exactly. The seeking energy itself is here to produce a result. I don’t produce a result and neither do you. I sit here with a system in a natural process.

It can be helpful to set aside as much as possible the expectations of others experiences of this shift in perception. The constant comparing to a desired result is always selfing because it is out of time with what is happening now. Here we LOOK instead of Think.

This framing has been very helpful for me. The allowing of the energy itself to produce a result, rather than my attempt to force or accelerate it. It's a practical example of 'holding gently'. There are several areas of my life where the desire to excel and accomplish – based on comparing – tends to result in stress and suffering due to my desire not aligning with reality.

Keep up the labeling exercise (simply smell, image/color, taste etc..) for a few minutes each day. It will be supportive.

Yes. I now see this as the fundamental practice. Being present.

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts. Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

This has required a good bit of time. Especially since I’m allowing myself to explore more gently and with much less pressure to ‘wrap it up’ and move on to our next conversation. You presented many questions. Some resulted in ready answers, and some - even after multiple reflections - still feel mysterious and unresolved.

Somewhere during this reflecting, I feel another shift occurred. As in, the act of attempting to closely monitor thoughts often resulted in a a significant decrease in thoughts. I had several sessions where I sat to notice arising thoughts, and nothing graspable appeared for long periods of time. There was what I’ll describe as low level noise, static, a mish-mash of fragmented images, maybe words, snippets of music, basically thought ‘crumbs’ on the sea-floor of my mind, but nothing comprehensible and singular in subject matter floated to the forefront. I found this amusingly frustrating. As in, the moment I want to examine thoughts, those things that are usually plague-like and omnipresent, now don’t appear. This reduction of thoughts seems to have carried over into my every day. I am finding myself ‘in thought’ noticeably less than usual.

Where are they coming from and going to?

No where. Thoughts seem to appear from a cloud-like fog, unsolicited. And they vanish into this fog.

Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?

Yes, and no. I sat with this multiple times, experimented to see if I could control what thoughts arose. Often, I have no say or control over what thoughts appeared. They arise seemingly at random. However, if I consciously framed the exercise with “I am going to think about . . . [insert subject here]” I can indeed have thoughts about a specific subject; like trying to solve a math problem, or about a trip I want to take. Or, I can recall a specific piece of music, and think thoughts about it. Yet, maybe this isn’t what you asked for. Thoughts that ‘appear’ vs thoughts that are ‘intentional’ might be two different things. ?? The concept of ‘intentional thought’ also became hi-lighted during this exercise. I realized that we basically have relationships with ourselves (which likely contradicts any doctrine of no-self), and it is through intentional thought that we construct that relationship. I know this may be getting off subject, but it felt significant. To allow uncontrollable and unconscious thoughts to dictate my reality feels changeable, and changeable via control of what is thought. Yes, presence will eliminate thought, and is likely the end-goal here, but in the meantime, I currently feel there is some value in intentional thought. That said, replacing pessimism with optimism, or self-criticism with self-approval is still replacing a thought with a thought. Perhaps we can explore this.

Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?

At that exact moment, no. I found that in order for me to replace a thought with another of my choosing, I would have to A) know when a thought was about to appear, which I cannot, and B) I would need to have another predetermined thought ready to go in order to replace the ‘first’ thought. I can stop giving attention to a thought, and I can think about something else, but only as a conscious reaction to the first uncontrolled thought.

Can you predict your next thought?

This was tricky. It also feels like a ‘yes & no’. No, I cannot predict my next thought. As in, if sitting in stillness, the thoughts that will eventually arise on their own are amusingly unpredictable. That said, if I create the intention of focusing on something specific, thoughts related to that focus arise. It feels forced though, and requires effort to keep the focus on a specific subject. It’s as if the unpredictable thoughts are an impatient child tugging on my shirt while I’m talking with someone else. I have to intentionally ignore them, while focusing on my conversation. I feel as though you’re going to provide clarity on this matter. And what I’m calling ‘intentional thought’ is not the same as the ‘thought’ you’re presenting.

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

No. Simply attempting to predict my next thought feels impossible. Compartmentalizing and categorizing upcoming thoughts into a specific genre feels like an even larger task. However, if we again go back to preparing reflection with, “I’m going to think about . . .” It does seem to have an influence over what thoughts many arise. It can at least heighten awareness to thoughts that are NOT aligned with that intention, allowing for a quicker extinguishing of them.

Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts? Thoughts of anger, frustration or impatience?

While no, I can’t predict what thoughts will arise, I do feel I have control over what I prolong, what I feed, and what I allow to grow and last. So, will painful and fearful thoughts arise, outside of my control? Yes. Absolutely. Can I choose not to have them? No. They will occur. However, I may not be able to prevent their appearance, but I feel I have the ability to not feed them. I do think I can replace them. But this wasn’t the question being asked 

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

Again, it feels like a matter of intention vs spontaneity. I cannot predict or choose what thoughts will arise at any given moment, yet I can intentionally think specific kinds of thoughts. It feels similar to breathing. It happens on it’s own without conscious control, yet I can also consciously control it when necessary and desired.

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

With practice, I believe we can prevent certain thoughts from appearing. Points of view, our dispositions, our feelings and the sensations that arise when facing certain things can change dramatically over time, even becoming opposites of their original form. (Thoughts about certain foods, types of people, cultural practices, etc…) In these instances, thoughts that were once common may no longer appear at all, as in we’ve “changed our mind” about them. Perhaps consciously and intentionally, perhaps unconsciously. I feel this is pointing back towards the ‘seeking energy’ you mentioned, and it’s power to transform by simply existing, which means it may not be such an intentional or conscious choice to change – though we may label that energy as such.

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’

This seems to tie in with my notion of intentional thought.


When this arises next, see what happens if it isn’t labeled unwanted. What is here to be seen? Sit with the pure raw unlabeled energy behind these emotions. Where are they in the body? Do they move? How big are they? Do they have temperature? Tell me all about the sensations underneath the label ‘frustration’ or ‘anger’ or ‘impatience’.

-Becca

[Somerton]

Becca,

I accidentally posted my last response before editing and completing it.
I posted it in order to review it before finalizing it, but I apparently hit the 'post' button :)

I will complete it after work today - in case you read it before I have the chance to complete it.

[Somerton]

Hi Becca,

Edited and completed version of the prior post. (Is there a way for us to delete or edit existing posts?)

Exactly. The seeking energy itself is here to produce a result. I don’t produce a result and neither do you. I sit here with a system in a natural process.

It can be helpful to set aside as much as possible the expectations of others experiences of this shift in perception. The constant comparing to a desired result is always selfing because it is out of time with what is happening now. Here we LOOK instead of Think.

This framing has been very helpful for me. The allowing of the energy itself to produce a result, rather than my attempt to force or accelerate it. It is a practical example of ‘holding gently’. There are several areas of my life where the desire to excel and accomplish – based on comparing – tends to result in stress and suffering due to my desires not aligning with reality.

Keep up the labeling exercise (simply smell, image/color, taste etc..) for a few minutes each day. It will be supportive.

Yes. I now see this as the fundamental practice. Being present.

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts. Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

This has required a good bit of practice. Especially, since I’m allowing myself to explore more gently and with much less pressure to ‘wrap things up’ and move on to our next conversation. You presented many questions. Some resulted in ready answers, and some - even after multiple reflections - still feel mysterious, paradoxical, and unresolved.

Somewhere during this reflecting, I feel another shift occurred. Either it’s natural for thoughts to elude you when you’re trying to monitor them, or, something clicked, and by way of your help and my reflecting, there’s been a significant decrease in thoughts. I had several sessions where I sat to notice arising thoughts, and nothing graspable appeared for long periods of time. There was what I’ll describe as low level noise, static, a mish-mash of fragmented images, maybe words, snippets of music, basically debris on the sea-floor of my mind, but nothing comprehensible and singular in subject matter floated to the top in the form of a thought. I found this amusingly frustrating. As in, the moment I want to examine thoughts, those things that are usually plague-like and omnipresent, now don’t appear. This reduction of thoughts seems to have carried over into my every day. I am finding myself ‘in thought’ noticeably less than usual.

Where are they coming from and going to?

No where. Thoughts seem to appear from a fog, unsolicited. And they vanish back into this fog.

Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?

Yes, and no. I sat with this multiple times, experimented to see if I could control what thoughts arose. Often, I have no say or control over what thoughts appeared. They arise seemingly at random. However, if I consciously framed the exercise with “I am going to think about [insert subject here]” I can indeed have thoughts about a specific subject; like trying to solve a math problem, or about a trip I want to take. Or, I can recall a specific piece of music, and think thoughts about it. Yet, maybe this isn’t what you asked for. Thoughts that ‘appear’ vs thoughts that are ‘intentional’ might be two different things. ?? The concept of ‘intentional thought’ also became hi-lighted during this exercise. I realized that we basically have relationships with ourselves (which likely contradicts any doctrine of no-self), and it is through intentional thought that we construct that relationship. I know this may be getting off subject, but it felt significant. To allow uncontrollable and unconscious thoughts to dictate my reality feels changeable, and changeable via control of what is thought. Yes, presence will eliminate thought, and is likely the end-goal here, but in the meantime, I currently feel there is some value in intentional thought (or is it simply “intention”?). That said, replacing pessimism with optimism, or self-criticism with self-approval is still replacing a thought with a thought. Perhaps we can explore this.

Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?

At that exact moment, no. I found that in order for me to replace a thought with another of my choosing, I would have to A) know when a thought was about to appear, which I cannot, and B) I would need to have another predetermined thought ready to replace the ‘first’ thought. I can stop giving attention to a thought, and I can think about something else, but only as a conscious reaction to the first uncontrolled thought.

Can you predict your next thought?

This was tricky. It also feels like a ‘yes & no’. No, I cannot predict my next thought. As in, if sitting in stillness, the thoughts that arise are amusingly unpredictable. That said, if I create the intention of focusing on something specific, thoughts related to that focus arise. It feels forced though, and requires effort to keep the focus on a specific subject. It’s as if the unpredictable thoughts are an impatient child tugging on my shirt while I’m in the middle of talking with someone else. I have to intentionally ignore the tugging, while focusing on my conversation. I feel as though you’re going to provide clarity on this matter. And what I’m calling ‘intentional thought’ is not the same as the ‘thought’ you’re presenting.

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

No. Simply attempting to predict my next thought feels impossible. Compartmentalizing and categorizing upcoming thoughts into a specific genre feels like an even larger task. However, if we again go back to preparing reflection with, “I’m going to think about . . .” It does seem to have an influence over what thoughts arise. It seems to at least heighten my awareness of thoughts that are NOT aligned with that intention, allowing for a quicker extinguishing of them.

Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts? Thoughts of anger, frustration or impatience?

While no, I can’t predict what thoughts will arise, I do feel I have control over what I prolong, what I feed, and what I allow to grow and last. Will painful and fearful thoughts arise outside of my control? Yes. Absolutely. Can I choose not to have them? No. I believe they will occur. However, while I may not be able to prevent their appearance, I feel I have the ability to not feed them. I do think I can replace them. This opens the question: should we allow all thoughts to run their course until they go away on their own, or should replace or drop some?

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

Again, it feels like a matter of intention vs spontaneity. I cannot predict or choose what thoughts will arise at any given moment, yet I can intentionally think specific kinds of thoughts. It feels similar to breathing. It happens on it’s own without conscious control, yet I can also consciously control the process when necessary and desired.

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

With practice, I believe we can prevent certain thoughts from appearing. Opinions, dispositions, our feelings and the sensations that arise when facing certain ideas or scenarios can change dramatically over time, even becoming opposites of their original form. (Thoughts about certain foods, types of people, cultural practices, etc…) In these instances, thoughts that were once common may no longer appear at all, as in we’ve “changed our mind” about them. Perhaps consciously and intentionally, perhaps unconsciously. I feel this is pointing back towards the ‘seeking energy’ you mentioned, and it’s power to transform by simply existing, which means it may not be such an intentional or conscious choice to change one’s mind – though we may label that energy as intentional and under our control.

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’

This seems to tie in with my notion of intentional thought. As in, if I am intentional about what I am thinking about, the thoughts do seem to piggyback off one another. Or, as you say, something about the content of one thought led to another thought in reaction to that content. That said, if I’m not intentional about what I am thinking about, then no . . . Thoughts do not appear in an organized, logical sequence. They simply rise and fall, seemingly unrelated with no noticeable connection among them.

When this arises next, see what happens if it isn’t labeled unwanted. What is here to be seen?

I do this somewhat regularly – experience sensations, feelings, thoughts that may habitually be labeled ‘wanted’ or ‘unwanted’, and I feel them for what they are. When not distracted, I try to notice all sensations for what they are. Intense, mild, localized, broad, stationary, moving, expansive, contracting, tingling, dull, intense, mild, sharp, hot, cold, etc… Without habitually labeling them as wanted to unwanted. What I have seen is that real presence is the absence of labeled sensations, and thoughts about them, along with an absence of thoughts about the past or future.
Speaking to labeling things wanted or unwanted . . . I do wonder about how to treat comfort and discomfort, and whether we’re working toward a state of mind where there is no perceived difference. ?? I do recognize physical comfort. And physical discomfort. My experience of lying in a warm comfortable bed when tired is a different experience than having to spend a night shivering outside on the ground in the wet and cold. I can consciously experience them as the sensations they are, without labeling, yet I would desire, I would want one over the other if given the choice. Yet, if the situation were unavoidable, I do see how labeling one “unwanted” does nothing but compound suffering. Yes, it’s unfortunate. Possibly even dangerous and injurious. But if it’s truly unavoidable, what does labeling it offer? I imagine this all plays into exploring desire and ill-will.

Sit with the pure raw unlabeled energy behind these emotions. Where are they in the body? Do they move? How big are they? Do they have temperature? Tell me all about the sensations underneath the label ‘frustration’ or ‘anger’ or ‘impatience’.

It is tightness. Tension. It is muscles contracting. It is my core drawing in on itself. Like a black hole within my torso. A retreating, an implosion. A thistle in the middle of my chest. There is heat on the skin, an outward pressure under the skin of the face and head, as if something is attempting to push itself out, out through my eyes, ears, pores. The heart pounds harder and faster. Teeth clench, breathing becomes shallow. It is fight and flight, and a very strong urge to do both. The associated thought appears, “Why!? Why is this happening!? I am simply trying to do ___ and I can’t!” The underlying belief is that whatever I’m attempting to accomplish must be terribly important, and my very survival somehow depends on it. When logically, it absolutely is not, and does not.

However, I do feel something broke through recently. Something shifted. I had a moment a few weeks ago where all the things that would normally cause this reaction occurred. I was prevented by some technical snafu from completing a work task I wanted to complete. I felt the pressure, the constriction, the heat, the building of a storm within my chest and belly, the beginnings of a familiar orchestra of sensations called ‘frustration”. I felt it, recognized it, and then felt it subside in a matter of seconds. It was as if the power to affect had been taken out of the sensations. It had no wings. No fuel. Like a car engine turned over with the turn of the key, but did not start. It appeared, and quickly subsided. Not unlike a thought.
Since then, I have noticed a decrease in ‘thoughts’ in general, and I’ve not had another episode of frustration. It feels as though I no longer can or will. I’m waiting somewhat cautiously to see :)

Gratitude for your presence, Becca.