Step 5, doubt, and wanting to be done with this

[avare]

oof, sorry about not replying for so long, even though its always on my mind.

I read your reply earlier and spent some time noticing the aversion come up, which has definitely helped.

While the aversion to a dedicated practice session is still pretty strong for some reason, the spontaneous looking at experience have been happening more frequently which is very nice :)

one thing I noticed is that at the end of the day there might be some thoughts or feelings about failing or having aversion all day long, but really the 'aversion' feeling only happens a couple times and my day is mostly just spent with attention on other things.

thank you pablo!

[bluzulu]

wonderful.

there is the feeling, and then almost immediately, or even coarising, thoughts about it. stories about the feeling.

the important thing now is to just IGNORE thoughts about anything.
if you need to make a grocery list, or rehearse information or strategize actions, great. otherwise IGNORE thoughts!!

then you will just be what is happening.

relax your muscles.

relax open your awareness.

you actually cannot be what is happening, because 'you' already are.
but there can be imagination of being 'somebody' separate from anybody or anything else.

and you can trust that what is, is, and what will be, will be. relax, accept, be at peace.

[bluzulu]

Amendment: Ignore was the wrong word. Just continue relaxing open your attention to everything except thoughts.
fortunately recognition of being distracted by thoughts will happen all on it's own when you do that.
when this is your strong intent, all the thoughts about the thought that just happened will stop.
then thoughts will just come and go, and attention will increasingly be simply on what is happening now. thoughts of course will continue to happen, and probably always will, but they will get so little attention over time that they are mostly not even noticed. they just naturally go into the irrelevant category. mental spam.

but the important, useful ones will stand out. they will be noticed. and when they are, focus on them. notice the bodily feelings of them. take a mental picture of them. or record them with your voice, whatever.

do the same with positive thoughts or memories or images that make you feel strong and capable and kind.

do actively ignore the negative, discouraging, etc.

[avare]

thank you so much for these pointers. i keep coming back to them and you really explain it so well.

it seems to be very clear that all that is needed is sticking with this, and like you said, faith that all is as it should be happening :)

[bluzulu]

What does the word "should" mean to you in this context?

[avare]

in this context should = could not be any other way. So things happen as they should = things happened, and could not have happened any other way, because they happened.

^this is just intellectual understanding on my part, but it is how I see things

[bluzulu]

got it, thanks.
seems like a lot of people believe that there is some kind of plan; glad you understand correctly.
Now it's all about trust and being ok with it as it is happening.

[avare]

yes 100%. thank you for the clearing question, actually helped me to stop and really clarify what exactly was meant and the automatic belief that came out when answering :)

[bluzulu]

can you truly trust and accept that everything, every sensation, perception, impulse, behavior, in you or anybody else is all happening by itself, and that 'things' and 'people' are just aspects of the whole enchilada? I mean really trust that, when doubts or judgements or fears or discouraging thoughts/feelings come up?

[avare]

I want to, but looking at my day to day it is clear that I do not. when the doubts/judgements/fears/regrets come up i get entangled with them and try to fix them or 'do' things.

[avare]

sorry for the late reply, I logged off LU just before you posted and only saw now.

recently days just feel like a loop, of finding things to escape into, be it movies, stories, or videos. there are some moments still of just relaxing open, but it also seems that they have gone down in quantity? which seems to be a regression/a sign that attention is being put into thoughts/concepts more

[bluzulu]

cool.
can it be ok that this is what is happening now?

and that at some point, you will probably come back to a strong interest in liberation?

[avare]

can it be ok that this is what is happening now?

and that at some point, you will probably come back to a strong interest in liberation?

yes, definitely. perhaps not being ok that this is what is happening is also just prolonging it, but its like I am in the perfect situation to wake up: summer break, close to zero responsibilities, and yet all my attention is going anywhere but now!

I am definitely resisting attention 'not going where I want it to'. I think because of shame and fear. What can I do or is there even anything to do with this?

[bluzulu]

what makes you think it is shame and fear?

spend some time just allowing the feeling/s to be there without trying to do anything to them or pay attention to any words or stories that come up about them..
just let your neocortex have a good look at them without all the thinking.

see what comes up, then get back to me.

[avare]

what makes you think it is shame and fear?

these are all thoughts, and a story really, but I noticed that the thoughts really follow a certain story I seem to have held onto since I was pretty young of wanting to be ahead of others or not being enough as I am. So when I start to look at what I am doing/my state of life right now, it becomes harder to keep that narrative going, about being special and whatnot, and then I start feeling bad. Which makes me think the negative feelings are shame from self-judgement. I then use awakening/the future as a crutch/fix to say 'ah yeah right now i'm behind, but waking up is all that matters, and once I do I'll be ahead/special again'. just a repeated idea/though narrative I noticed happening.

pend some time just allowing the feeling/s to be there without trying to do anything to them or pay attention to any words or stories that come up about them..
just let your neocortex have a good look at them without all the thinking.

a funny thing seems to happen whenever you ask me to really look at the feeling, which is that it doesn't come up again (or it is too subtle, such that I miss it). so for now I will still stay attentive and get back to you.