good place

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

The site has been recovered, but not all functionality is back up. :)

Mind is screaming 'distracted' but what I am reading is right on point. This is really the essence of what it means to LOOK rather than think.

Is 'dying' into awakening a thing? Or a thought? An expectation?

Is any of this actually painful? Or just... new? Colors, sounds, thoughts.

Pick up an object, any object. Really study it. Hold it.
Now describe the back side of the object, without turning it over. Can this be done?
How is it known what the back side looks like?
What tells what it looks like?

How can it be known that there is a back side at all?
Can the object be known at all?

Now put down the object and investigate the darkness, the nothingness behind the self.

What do you find?

[daisyrain]

Oh dearest of Beccs, hello :)

There's this on going game of thought:
"I could drink chocolate or coffee or, ... Aaah, that's not quite it"
"I could visit my in-laws or, aaah, it's not quite scratching the itch"
"I could watch YouTube, scroll Reddit, drink a shot, and, aaah, not quite it"

And so forth and so forth.
There is something I'm trying to solve.
There is something I'm running from.

Not sure if it's related, but there's also a movement of staying very soft, in the face of ?? Thought?tension?
and it's good or right. it's non reactive.

There also comes up a wondering about a certain pattern of reasoning:
Well, I can't look at X, because if X is not a solution/exit and everythings the same, then all is worse, because I don't have X as an escape anymore.

These seemingly unrelated things don't feel random.

is dying into awakening a thing? Or a thought? An expecation?

An expectation, a fear maybe.
let me quickly check, why it isn't perceived as just a thought.
Physically, I feel intensity in the feet.
There's an expectation of tightness in the chest (huh?)
A sensation of "shocked" comes.
a more distilled fear, a tingling somewhere in the lower right chest, spreading thought the upper legs, left knee, lightly over the face.

(Sidenote: it takes a bit of bravety doing this and not seeing how it pertains to awakening at all. it feels exposed and I notice the fear of being exposed as stupid or falling for a prank. Just writing this feels stupid vulnerable. I almost want to cry. Eyes are a bit wet even.)

"shocked" is felt in the forehead.
sitting with this.
thought comes: "Oh god, I am so..." (?)

chest, throat, jaw. face.
Thought about being very distracted.
Sensation comes very clean right now, like gas that burns without any smoke or residue.

there's something in the center of the chest, and it's scaring me.
tought: I want to cry
thought: Oh, it's no longer there

I feel it in my forehead.
in my heart, in the arms. it's immense.

thought: "Oh, I hope this in meanigless, because if it had meaning, I would be totaly wasting this right now."
thought: "actually, let me waste this on purpose, because I don't want to be the dumb guy who was so close and missed it"
thought: "I'm shock frosted right now"

Is any of this actually painful? Or just... new? Colors, sounds, thoughts.

thought: "It can't actually be new, right?"

thought: I'm suffering

Body is doing weird position and stretching.

thought: "I'm so fucking afraid of this hurting"

jittering and pressing hands against eyes.

Asking myself: Who/What could actually do something against this?
Heart sensation, becomes upper leg intensity.

Pick up an object, any object. Really study it. Hold it.
Now describe the back side of the object, without turning it over. Can this be done?
How is it known what the back side looks like?
What tells what it looks like?

There's a certain annoyed frustration coming up, trying to describe the backside from DE.
This is really "working itself through me".

Teeth gritting.

Thought: "But somethings WRONG

Sensation of tingling (interpreted as fear)

How can it be known that there is a back side at all?

thought: "Just a second ago, I saw it"
thought: "well, I know that there is backside"

this is odd.

silence.

thought image of "entire 3d body" comes up.

Can the object be known at all?

I don't know. <- huh, thought.
this is all a bit intense.

Now put down the object and investigate the darkness, the nothingness behind the self.
What do you find?

Image: Darkness around me.
Body does: pressing eyes shut, tensing up, bit defensive. "defensive" is a thought.
Body does sound "oaaah"
Body is really working here, flexing different muscles for extended periods of time and relexaing them again.
Oh, this might be a soothing / relaxation mechanism.

back to darkness.
eAHHHHH OH GOD

esödsfldasuiadsukhadsulh

back to darkness.

Yeah, part of this is thought image at least.
darkness in me comes as image.

Body is whining.

now, where's that forkin' darkness.
Come here kitty kitty, psssssppp psssp.

thoughts come, alright.

SEEING, IMMEEEEEENSE SEEING.
thought: oh fuck, I'm going of the rails

there's a strong pulling back from direct experience.

I see the darkness, yet isn't it "back of the eyelids" I am seeing?

Thought: "I wanna puke"

Jaw tensing. Forehead tensing.

there it is, darkness.
well, thoughts plop up.

there is believe in darkness around me.
there's a tension in my throat.
feels like e primordial or fundamental tension. i feel weird for typing this.
Sole of left foot felt intensly. oh yeah. getting managable. quite a tingling.

Thought: "I have no idea, what this is supposed to do or how it's supposed to be useful"

[graceabounds]

Exactly. YOU don't have an idea.
The body knows the way.

The darkness is a visual image.

How does the body want to move? Let it go.

What is in the center of the chest? In the forehead? Everywhere in the body? This thing that moves...
IS IT I? Or is it simply beingness without ownership.

Stay with IT.