good place

[graceabounds]

There is no ‘wrong’ way to do this. Just answer honestly from what you see when you look, that is the only directive.

Do you actually believe in time and control?
Seems the body has something to say about that…

Slowly there is losing interest in "awakening" in a way. I think I can observe that this practice were doing gets more integrated in my life, still I'm very weary of that feeling of losing interest.

who loses interest? Is this something that needs someone to ‘do’ it, to get somewhere?

Without interest is there still a “you” that needs awakening?

[daisyrain]

I'm using your questions as entry points, but it wanders quickly into all sorts of directions. Valuable and welcome, but too fast to write down.
I think the best would be to take some time with it again.

Do you actually believe in time and control?

This direction was super interesting right now. It's like a mini thought on top of thought was discovered that said something about "what I thought just a second ago" and just typing this out feels sooo satisfying, can't keep from grinning 😁
It's not even all that much really, but I'm brimming with joy here!

[graceabounds]

❤️

[daisyrain]

Hello Becc, I hope you've been really well!

I have some status updates, written every now and then over the course of the recent days.
I wonder if sending this is just noise now, that some days have passed.
Okay.

---

The head seems to want to anchor in categorizing things (experiences, feelings) as good or bad.

---

The head keeps asking: Where does that lead to?
One of the locally most beloved and famous examples is:
- Oh (no), does that lead to awakening?

---

There is a bit of insistence on existence.
I'll replay something from memory (which I sort of get is ridiculous)
- the sense comes that no observer is present
- thought surrounding this: "Oh, there was no me right now."
- a tension, feeling like a rope pulled comes, sort of asserting a me.
This really feels immensely hard to write.

I'm a bit afraid of going insane.
It feels like a feverdream here, though you know, nothing in DE. It's just, it's not just "nothing about a feverdream" in DE, it's "nothing."
ashasuhdshijdfsaghlafsdhl

I want to swear.

I'm rather sure all of this is right on track.

The question "who/what wants to enlighten" is still the right one to follow, I feel.
I feel like, for now, another one might be distracting, as this question already raises so many new ones.

---
Hello Becc
I don't feel done asking "who/what wants to enlighten?"
I feel a bit like a failure here, though that surprises me.
Again, I find myself comparing and asking why it seems that lots of people are awakening within days of being guided.
And I have no token to see if there was ever any progress.
Do I know that there is no control?
welp. I'm just writing this down. It's honest, but in fact, it's seen how all of this is pointing back at thought instead of DE, and in DE it's (right now at least) clear.

"I want to enlighten so badly," (asked pathetically and hurt) comes.

I am still afraid of losing the guidance to awakening. That is probably worth investigating.

---

Thoughts don't hear, thoughts don't see.
There is hearing, there is seeing.

---

Oh Becca, I feel so useless at this.
Well.
I haven't found a someone who wants to enlighten, but want, desire and desperation does pop up.

[graceabounds]

No one to be useless… :D

- the sense comes that no observer is present
- thought surrounding this: "Oh, there was no me right now."
- a tension, feeling like a rope pulled comes, sort of asserting a me.
This really feels immensely hard to write.

Excellent.
Tell me more about the sense that there is no observer. It is the truth, so how does it come?

Where exactly is that tension of the rope pulling felt?
When that tension appears, is there an entity creating it?

Who wants to enlighten?
who asks who wants to enlighten?
Who thinks there is an answer? That someone else has? Who compares?
Who is convinced that this not finding a someone isn’t the answer?

[daisyrain]

Tell me more about the sense that there is no observer. It is the truth, so how does it come?

cracking my head over this. I'm not sure it can be properly observed.
I wrote "sense that there is no observer", because it's so hard to describe in hindsight weather there was no observer or the thought came after the fact, and you can't really say if "there was a fact in the first place".
Looking now, things just sort of are.
> what about me?
"me" feels sort of like a bit of a distinct world.
> can me see the things?
(me is felt as tension and relaxation on the jaw) (feeling of missing a step and falling)

In a way it's so stupid, but I'm just gonna write. Even though I'm just SURE I don't know this stuff:
In a way there is no observer, it's just that. Where would one be? It's so fruitless to look for one, because Duuuh, what's to find?

Then again, the thought image reasserts itself, that there is an "I that is hearing" for example. Hearing persists without thought in DE. God, I hear some faint music from some neighbor and birds chirping. It's heartbreakingly beautiful. It's also very quiet here.

> Do I hear? Or is that just assumed?
Okay, got distracted for a good chunk of time. Self hate comes up.

Where exactly is that tension of the rope pulling felt?

First impression, face, left side of the nose, vertically. Also the heart area. Stomach (?).
"Behind me", which seems to transform to be face, chest.
forehead.

There's a feeling of a fundamental "something's missing". (might be unrelated, i don't know)

Body feels like a sponge soaking up all of those feelings, hui.

When that tension appears, is there an entity creating it?

I think it just appears. Wait. There's something interpreted as "me doing". Feels like a pinprick holding something flowing firm. Oh boy, the pins are popping up everywhere.


I think I need a pause here, do something with the body. Will answer more later

Thanks Becc .)

[daisyrain]

Who wants to enlighten?

I want to enlighten

who asks who wants to enlighten?

Becc does :D
Okay, sorry, low hanging fruit of a joke right there :'D

This one's a riddle.
I can find the thought here. And the thought about who's asking that question.

there's a bit of "me" interpretation / feeling in thought. like an undifferentiated fuzzy warmth.
I can bask in that warmth. (Hah, got a paradox!)
that warmth seems to be mostly the face.

(don't know further)

Who thinks there is an answer? That someone else has? Who compares?

there seems to be an assumption of an answer. And that you (for example) know it as well.
Bits and pieces of tension are found here in response to asking who has these assumptions. Face sensation. Finger sensation. Cheeks, Feet (is this really practice? unexpected)

it seems like I am thinking that.

I wonder if keeping the answer at that is more sincere than looking until an answer comes that sounds satisfying.

Who is convinced that this not finding a someone isn’t the answer?

cant... find.. someone?

[graceabounds]

there seems to be an assumption of an answer. And that you (for example) know it as well.
Bits and pieces of tension are found here in response to asking who has these assumptions. Face sensation. Finger sensation. Cheeks, Feet (is this really practice? unexpected

What if I know no answers?

Stay exactly with what you noticed… face, cheeks, feet…
is there anything there except raw sensation?

Is there any “you” inside that sensation at all?

Bits and pieces of a sensation are FOUND BY WHAT…??? can you locate anything that is doing the finding?

Or is there just
- sensation
- and a thought about sensation

Then again, the thought image reasserts itself, that there is an "I that is hearing" for example. Hearing persists without thought in DE. God, I hear some faint music from some neighbor and birds chirping. It's heartbreakingly beautiful. It's also very quiet here.

> Do I hear? Or is that just assumed?

Great question. Is there:
A Hearing
or
B Hearer + Hearing

Can you find, inside the sound itself,
any boundary where “hearer” ends and “sound” begins?

You said it’s heartbreakingly beautiful. ❤️ Was there an “I” making that beauty happen?

[daisyrain]

What if I know no answers?

suppose it doesn't change anything. Hm.
This seems to be about expectations and assumptions mostly. Though I don't know what the big deal of ending suffering is about.

Stay exactly with what you noticed… face, cheeks, feet…
is there anything there except raw sensation?

Of boy, thoughts come :)
there can be a tendency to take the content of thoughts as an answer or "diversion".
I remember a tendency, I think.

Thought content is sort of asserting a way the world is. It's a story.
And then.
It's all floating by. Wonder if that's a story as well.

Is there any “you” inside that sensation at all?

Hm. Thought again assert this and that.
it would be quite fantastic,no? to have all that here without anything.
there's a habit of looking for a satisfying answer to some extend here.

Bits and pieces of a sensation are FOUND BY WHAT…??? can you locate anything that is doing the finding?

Or is there just
- sensation
- and a thought about sensation

Oh well. What is hearing these thoughts. I can find thoughts, alright. wait. that's a thought.


"I'll be late" is a thought as well :D though one I will follow.

nothings all so tangible here

[graceabounds]

So great, lets look at expectations.

If nothing changes whether answers are known or not, then what was the value of answers supposed to be?

I don't know what the big deal of ending suffering is about.

When the thought says “this is suffering” what is actually present?
Where is “suffering” as a separate thing?

Can it be broken down to: sensation + thought “this shouldn’t be happening”

Where is the one that needs life to be different?

[daisyrain]

Part of me is losing interest, but I find it's a convenient excuse and more sincerely there is being afraid.

Is there:
A Hearing
or
B Hearer + Hearing

Hearing is very encompassing.
What offers itself as a hearer can't hear itself.
Doesn't seem like there's a hearer. Surprisingly it really doesn't.

Can you find, inside the sound itself,
any boundary where “hearer” ends and “sound” begins?

It seems like there should be a boundary to the hearer (sensation of face offers itself), but when encroaching the boundary it's just never there.

You said it’s heartbreakingly beautiful. ❤️ Was there an “I” making that beauty happen?

"Sometimes I forget I'm there"
Interesting thought 😄 uhm. No one making anything, it's just all very mellow.
Thought: "but it can't be that gentle. I feel awful, don't I?"
Hm. Okay. Something's interpreted as heavines upon hearing this. Opening itself while I'm writing this. Feels vulnerable but good.

If nothing changes whether answers are known or not, then what was the value of answers supposed to be?

I don't understand the question, but something's flowing like waves in response. Very peaceful.

When the thought says “this is suffering” what is actually present?
Where is “suffering” as a separate thing?

I think I'm scared of asking myself that, because what would I be without that?
I think there's a measure of losing control. Oh god, I can get drunk any day and not even suffer? I deserve to suffer, or I'd lose control!

"I deserve to suffer"... Huh
Watery eyes here.

(revisiting question after a while)

When the thought says “this is suffering” what is actually present?

"Surely there is suffering" <- Thought.
"I feel so awful" <- Thought.
"I shouldn't have." <- thought
"Man, I have too..." <- thought

Tension is felt, like a binding string. Nowhere in concrete space, upon closer inspection.
Felt like points of intensity in space.
Heavy Breathing.
Puh, it's intense on the body.
Intensity sort of bleeding/dissolving/spreading into the body a little (still intense)

Sensation comes up interpreted as "I don't really want to look there" (actually just neutral and a little cold maybe)

None of this is really suffering. Not exactly suffering here right now.
(But those "I have to" thoughts feel awful)

Where is “suffering” as a separate thing?

I'd have to ask "separate from what?"

Can it be broken down to: sensation + thought “this shouldn’t be happening”

Hm, there seems to be lots of "this shouldn't be happening" / "i don't know what to do / how to get through this".
Does it come with a body sensation?
There's an interpretation that some movements are "proof" of feeling bad.

Where is the one that needs life to be different?

"I can't find him" <- What?
The question seems to work itself through the body with quite some intensity.
I don't know?

[graceabounds]

I think I'm scared of asking myself that, because what would I be without that?

This is an excellent question.

What belief lies underneath it?

Is I defined by suffering? Are they conflated?

Who needs it?

I deserve to suffer, or I'd lose control!

And what is the link between suffering and control?

Look in the body, just like this:

Sensation comes up interpreted as "I don't really want to look there" (actually just neutral and a little cold maybe)

None of this is really suffering. Not exactly suffering here right now.

Keep separating the thought from what is being avoided in the body.

Not wanting to look is precisely where to look. But LOOK, don’t analyze.

Part of me is losing interest, but I find it's a convenient excuse and more sincerely there is being afraid.

Stay with me here…

[daisyrain]

Part of me is losing interest, (...)

Stay with me here…

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!
I won't go :)

If there's no suffering, (...) what would I be without that?

What belief lies underneath it?

Well, there's something like: "If there's no suffering and I still suffer after recognizing that (+ I will surely suffer again), that's so (unfair?)"
Unfair is not quite the right word.

I think I'm actually terrified of losing all anchors. I don't know where that "terrified" sits, it's subtle.
It feels like there's a fizzling sensation in my chest. Different body parts tingle (feet, cheeks).
Thoughts: "I don't want to look" "This is uncomfortable/suffering"
Oh, I'm so anxious today, feeling into that more. It's intense in the body.

Thought:
- "I remember suffering"
- "Oh, that's a memory"
- What would I be without memories?
Thoughts about the future. Instead of the future, I find sensation of face.

breathing...
hesistency to fully feel (e.g. "can I take that intensity? isn't it too much?")
> who would "take" that intensity? what would take that intensity?

oh ggawd
there's somewhat of an imaginary boundary.

thought:"oh no oh nonnono"

> what would take that intensity?

(lots of stuff and I drooled on my pants)
lots of "what would I be without (x)" coming up.
silence. view.

> what would I be...
inquiry happening
sensation comes. assumption of something arriving and sensation of body.

there still that imaginary boundary.
very encompassing.

I'm so very annoyed with something here.
sfdsasdf

Is I defined by suffering? Are they conflated?
Who needs it?

Man, do I not want to look there. Okay!
Looking feels like hurting/removing me, but upon inspection, that's also not quite it.


thought: "I wish I didn't have to endure this pain"

oh, maybe I've lost orientation too much to continue this inquiry here right now.
no words here, oh boy.

And what is the link between suffering and control?
Look in the body

[graceabounds]

Aha.

I think you are right at ‘it’…

Go through the same inquiries again. Plus who/what would take that intensity? Take time to sit with and look at all the sensations that arise.

Is intensity painful?

Here with you…

[daisyrain]

I don't feel close to anything special.
Okay. I suppose that means nothing.

I'm afraid whatever comes comes crashing like a wave. Typing things out helps :)
Oh man, I'm a coward, I tell you that.

Here with you…

Thank you, Becc

Is intensity painful?

getting closer to it.
I don't really know.

There's something in the body. Intensity in the legs
Thought: "I don't want to take this"

who/what would take that intensity?

Well, a lot of buddha fanfiction comes up, about how amazing dying into awakening and stuff is. Proper embarassing, I tell you.

(asking some time later)
well, it's a bit terryfiying. I really can't imagine an answer.
There are just colors, sound, thoughts,
Thought: I can't do this / I can't answer this
Or, there is a sense, that this is the case.
The sensation is pressure in my throat and forehead.
Thought: I'm afraid.
The sensation seems to be parts of the jaw, the right side of the face. Leg shaking. Eyes closing,

---

(Some questions didn't yield much, I skipped them to be honest)

And what is the link between suffering and control?

(believe/thought answer)
"If I can't make myself suffer, I will just repeat (behavior I shouldn't, etc..)"

Look in the body (...)
Keep separating the thought from what is being avoided in the body.
Not wanting to look is precisely where to look. But LOOK, don’t analyze.

(What is being avoided in the body?)

Proper crying comes up. Came up. Even though I interpret my state as "a bit distracted"
It feels like there is something, most notably in the stomach..hard to differentiate, what it is exactly.

Tingling in feet
Thought: "that is.. still okay" <- so much underlying implication (e.g I'm in control of not feeling, it could not be okay, ...)

Thought: I'm getting tired of this, getting annoyed of this, let's do something else.

I think what just came up is not unrelated:
I feel so infinitly sad.there are so many todos, I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm failing (everyone).
feeling into this, there's just nothing. Like there's nothingness in front of me. Around me. In me.
> What doesn't feel like nothingness?
Edging closer to that.

(trying again, hours later)
doing this body sensation - thought game, there was something that was interpreted as "drowning"
I can't really make this more clear, though I remember that.

> What is drowning here?
Thought: this is uncomfortable

Thought:" inner landscape" is course and rough.

It's not, it's more as of it's vibrating

Looking for the "inner"/outer boundary I find the face, vibrating as well

I find sadness, which is just space.

There is this sensation of ??
At first it was in front of me, like a thick mass, working through me.
It's like something's behind me.
Darkness behind me.
Just, less than darkness

remembering that there's nothing outside the sense,
this darkness becomes a very unique feeling in the chest. upon inspection sole of my left foot.


---


Man, today this was such a distracted form of inquiery.