good place

[daisyrain]

I don't know, if I'm taking this (awakening stuff) serious.

Just thinking about it a lot isn't it.
I'm not sure, when actual practice is really happening.

Theres a mail I saw about Ilona doing an open session today. And there's a lot of wondering if I should ask to visit this, or just meet up with friends who happen to enjoy the sun at a meadow nearby.
And, uh, I wonder. Should I sideline everything more for "this".
And, you know, I'm writing this, because there's something odd and not right about the way this is considered.

I don't know if I'm actually taking this seriously.
What part of me is doing this performative?
And I wonder when resting, shouldn't I focus on DE or inquiry XY.


Huh. This is all just intellectual, isn't it?

[graceabounds]

Yep. All intellectual.

Either the session with Ilona will be attended or the meadow...
All apparent choice by an apparent chooser. ;)

Mind noise.

[daisyrain]

I think I'm terrified of making a mistake and "ruining everything".
all the time.

[graceabounds]

That sentence is claiming:
There is a you
That controls outcomes
That could destroy everything

Right now can you find any actual mechanism that does that?

Is there anything here that is “in control of everything”?

If something that is labeled after the fact as a “mistake” happens… can you stop it from already having happened?

So what is happening in the body with these thoughts?

[daisyrain]

Oh Becc, I've noticed there's a distiniction made here between inner life and outer world.

There is a you

jokes aside. I don't even know how to answer this.
There can't be, right? There's only one reality...

That controls outcomes

So, I can't find any mechanism of control really. I can find. believe in controll. It's subtle, but very solid I think.

That could destroy everything (...)
If something that is labeled after the fact as a “mistake” happens… can you stop it from already having happened?

Hm, this is highlighting the mismatch between thought and reality.
Things are, already.

Is there anything here that is “in control of everything”?

I feel this "not knowing", and this "not knowing" remains, whether "I" is thought or not.

[graceabounds]

Define ‘inner life’
Define ‘outer world’

Is there any inner or outer in direct experience?

There's only one reality...

philosophy?

[daisyrain]

Define ‘inner life’
Define ‘outer world’

Oh, there's still believe in "outside/inside of me (my body)".
That is the assumed definition. While writing this it does crack up. Um...? Weird here.
Not quite clear. There is a believe at play here, yeah. Rereading that assumed believe, it's more clear. Hm.

Is there any inner or outer in direct experience?

There's an experience labeled "inner". Feels like it's "behind me". Resolves to be body/skin/touch experience.

Holding inner and outer experience at the same time, somethings not correct about my interpretation of the boundary. The body.

philosophy?

Maybe. But there is something. A riddle, a bit of a crack.
How can there be an entire reality "me" and an reality "out there", when there is only one reality?
It's not just philosophical I think/feel like. It's more pointing to a paradox. I can't voice out the reason why, but a "me" would be precisely a reality on its own. Maybe...

I think part of me knows the answer :| I'm getting really sad right now.

[graceabounds]

somethings not correct about my interpretation of the boundary.

Find the boundary. Not the idea of it or “skin.”

In direct experience Where does “inside” end? Where does “outside” begin?

Go slowly. Is there an actual line?

“Behind me”... what is that? Without the thought “behind" what's there?

How can there be an entire reality "me" and an reality "out there", when there is only one reality?
It's not just philosophical I think/feel like. It's more pointing to a paradox. I can't voice out the reason why, but a "me" would be precisely a reality on its own.

Is there a separate reality of me anywhere?

[daisyrain]

Go slowly. Is there an actual line?

HOLY ####
HOOOOOOOOOOLY #!?%
going slow DOES IT

I'm using far too many swearwords here, I tell you that.

Thought: "This is no longer funny anymore"

OH FRIEND, IT IS FUNNY! 😂 OH MY GOD. WHAT WEIRD-itty!

Thought: "I'm completely losing the point"

OH this is weird, this is nice, oh boy. oh boy.

Thought: "I'm so afraid, that I have lost the exercising too much and when I get back to it and try, I will fail"

(I think that's a reoccurring pattern here)

In direct experience Where does “inside” end? Where does “outside” begin?

Crazy how there's nothing upon closer inspection.
The sensation interpreted as dividing line even feels like it relaxes somewhere completely different in the body (left side of chest)

“Behind me”... what is that? Without the thought “behind" what's there?

that seems to be a "strong" thought.
but there's something I don't understand, some unknown.

one the one hand, how could there be a behind without the thought "behind", but i dont know, what that sentence even means.

well, there's a thought image like a flashlight shining back through blackness and fog.

Yeah. that appears again and again.

[daisyrain]

I have a question. Maybe it's also just communicating.
But, uh. I think I know the answer, but this can cause something that might look and feel quite like depression right?
And exhaustion?
Yeah, not really a question but a wish to tell what's happening. By now I'm quite sure it might have to do with this.
so little energy at times here. but it's kind of okay and really good. maybe better that way. i feel like life bends over backwards to make it okay, even though i don't really feel like that. Complicated, it's both sort of true.
Actually I think I'm maybe just coming to terms with something old and long shut out, because I didn't want to feel it.
Maybe it's not quite depression.
I'm just so exhausted all the time. I don't know where that comes from. sometimes it makes me really, really sad.
It's not at all easy and I have great worries about the future, about the challenges.
I don't think I realized just how much I am worried about that. How much I'm acting on it, how hard it is not to act on it. (I know, I know. I'm not done with the control thing... it's an almost constant inquiry and (I hope) looking here)
It's such an odd text I'm writing. I hope it doesn't hurt you. I truly don't know if it will. I think that opening up about pain sometimes makes our conversation partner feel it, but I truly don't know how that really works, so I think I just trust you tell me, if this is not really okay to type out here.

Some days ago you wrote something along the lines of "headaches are okay, you're world is turning upside down" and I didn't really knew what to do with that. (I feared being a fraud and you only thought I had success when I really didn't. Man, how can this organism here be SO ANXIOUS? Ridiculous 😄). Okay.
But yeah. I don't think it has been like it is today. Past and future thoughts, I know, i know.
But, really, I used to be used to something else. I'm actually really grieving. Not missing, but there's just a fair amount of good and honest love for (what actually?). Though there's something gone now, isn't it?
Becc, I'm crazy sad here. I just feel so much love.

A lot of what I notice and do is really a "self improvement journey".
exercise to feel better, veggis to feel energies, protein shakes, this, that. Maybe even that thing (cool guitar pedal!) that I think about buying. Probably.
I can't do it anymore, that way. Even the constant spiritual thoughts of "oh, this is implying control, I shouldn't write that" "Oh, I mention "I", ...". Completely empty calories, not honest. Just more of this self improvement stuff.

It's a lot here. A LOT.

It might be a good moment to leave this to rest. It's late. I want to be in my bed and know, what I'm doing.

Thank Becc. It felt really good to write this out and I think I needed that. I'm so very glad to have this chat, even if I might have mis-used this right now, it really felt like I had someone to talk to.

Love, Nils


PS: it might be that it is reassuring for you to read, so I want to mention, that I'm actively looking into getting professional help. Lots of love, byeee!

[graceabounds]

Hi Nils,

Just want to check in and see how things look today? And yes on a conventional level do certainly get professional help, it is extraordinarily helpful to process the emotions that are arising.

Is there a change recently in these feelings of fatigue and sadness? Is it sudden or has gone on a while?

We can pause exploring here and resume at any time if you want to take some space to work through what is coming up.
(Please don’t take this as me bailing out, I’m not at all, but will be here according to whatever timeline is most helpful for you in the long run…)

Much love.
Becca

[daisyrain]

Hi Becca :)

So, today I feel surprisingly just good really.
I think it might make sense to pause a little. Also to see what kind of pressure comes from this.
Some stuff comes up.
I've noticed that a lot of this self-improvement stuff + huge worries about bodily injuries is just about "I don't want to die". (Such an awkward sentence. My former English teacher would be ashamed.)

Can we continue on Thursday? :)
(Even writing this feels scary somehow.)
I will drop a message in this chat so you get a notification

Best
Nils

[daisyrain]

Is there a change recently in these feelings of fatigue and sadness? Is it sudden or has gone on a while?

Forgot about this.
I think this feeling of exhaustion is something I have carried with me throughout my half or entire life,
though I think it's noticably more intense and limiting these last few weeks. It's okay

[graceabounds]

Sounds good.

Will continue when you are ready.

Abundant love!

[daisyrain]

Hey Becca ❤️

I think I feel a great "progress".

exactly now there is no control, as happening is already happening.
there's not even really any time to think about control now.

there are so many inquiries coming and going

what is control, what are decisions, who am I.
What is this desire for perfection and knowledge in programming?
(it's a kind of (sickly?)-happy numbness)
What is which I don't understand?
what is this desire of awakening?
what is that aversion towards losing clarity?

what is this tension in my forehead?

I want to reach something...
I want to ....? Like there's an assumption that this is not right / enough.

I am searching so much for something.
I've obsessed over programming concepts since a long time.
it's all the same resolving.

What's really deepening is right now.

I said I'd follow up on thursday, though today I have so many questions coming up here, I think it makes sense to take the weekend to investigate them, before following new tasks.

Especially Control and "what is it I'm hoping for here" seem to be ripe and needed.

Lots of Love!
Nils :)