Who am I?

[beingbraden]

Its been over a week at this point since I had a formal sit for meditation. It feels like I am starting from square 1 on this. Combined with my lack of practice and having been sick, it feels like my mind is a completely different place from last week.

Sitting down for ButtChair:
- Even with eyes closed, my eyes still move down as if to look at my butt in the chair
- Along with the eye movements, there is a clenching in my throat that happens as a result of trying to effort and concentrate
- There is a feeling of the sensations of my clothes on my body
- When close enough attention is paid, theres a realization that the sensation on my bottom is not one solid sensation, but a feeling of tingling / fluctuations in the sensations and pressure
- There are thoughts of a mental image of my body, its position, and the chair
- There is hearing sounds from around my apartment

I don't know if you want me to keep answering the specific questions from the Buttchair exercise every time. I wasn't able to find a clear line of distinction that divided my butt from the chair, it seems like there is just sensation. Its almost like by definition the sensation itself is the separation, but thats probably just a mental model.

[Anastacia42]

There IS just Sensation. Focusing on there being no division puts you in a state where seeing is more likely to happen. Do that over & over.

Loving

[beingbraden]

More Buttchair. I feel like since my habits got thrown off from being sick it is taking me a while to get back to the level of concentration that I had before. Focusing on sensations. Noticing thoughts and trying to not engage in them. Will continue. Thanks

[Anastacia42]

Good. Just relax completely. No effort. Let seeing come to you. It's right in front of you always.

Loving

[beingbraden]

Hey Stacy,
Things have been hard lately. I haven't had a ton of motivation. I have been doing buttchair every day, but I haven't been spending much time with it and I've felt more drawn to other meditation practices. I am having a hard time believing that doing buttchair alone is going to give me the realization that I am looking for. I don't feel like I am seeing anything interesting with buttchair, I get bored very easily with it and stop after only a few minutes. I'm not sure what to do about this.
- Braden

[Anastacia42]

Good morning,

It isn't supposed to be interesting. All it does is put you in a space where you can see that there is no separation between you and anything else outside you.

As I've said before seeing is unpredictable.

I just re-read your full thread. Please re-read it and look at the places and times when you say you had glimmers of seeing.

I suggest you go to the groups and also try some of Angelo Dillulo's meditation guidance.


https://youtu.be/fEv7UF8evQ4?si=0quQlOl6c4S5QvUU

But wanting something interesting is in mind thinking and we do not want that

One model for looking at this is called Ten Fetters. At LU we only cover the first 3. There are groups outside of LU. some led by LU guides. that take it further.

Here is a list of the Fetters;:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetter_(Buddhism)

and some resources:

Christiana Michelberger

https://findingawakening.com/about/

Vince Shubert

Weekly Free Meetup Times (Sydney, Australia time):
Saturday 9 pm,
Monday 6 am (for paid subscribers - recording only available to attendees)
Wednesday 4 pm (recorded and published on YouTube)
Friday 7 am (recording only available to attendees)
📍Check your local time: www.worldtimebuddy.com
⏱ Countdown timer for the next meeting on: www.wakingupwithvince.com (scroll down)
🧭 It’s always the same Zoom link; you can arrive late or leave early.
🔗 CLICK HERE TO JOIN free meetings:
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Passcode: 083035

Click here for the YouTube Channel


Todd & Pernille Lent Damore

Yes, we still have a monthly Inquiry Group that's free, and that they are welcome to join. We actually just had one two days ago.
We also have our Discord community which is free too.

Write to:

unfetteredmindfulness@gmail.com

Maybe it will help to talk to and listen to other people. See what their experiences are and were.

Loving

[beingbraden]

Thank you.

Honestly, I think if I were just trying to do this on my own I would have given up this week and just moved on to something else at this point. I appreciate all the help and pointers you have given me.

I was able to do my first proper sits in what feels like at least a couple weeks, which is sort of embarrassing to say. I did buttchair.
- Probably the most interesting sensation I had during my sits was this feeling that most of my body disappeared. I didn't have sensation in most of my body, but it felt expansive and relaxing
- I mostly focused on relaxing as much as possible, and I noticed that the location of most of my tension is in my breath. When I try to focus on the border of my body and the seat I noticed that my breathing gets constricted. Tension in my throat, chest and stomach that controls my breath in an unnatural way
- Maybe as a result of the tension in my breath maybe because it was the first time I have sat in a while I would get cramps in my sides (tightness, warmth, slight pain/discomfort)
- Very slight sensations of dizziness at times
- Feeling A LOT more present in the body, grounded

I have a bunch of the meetings in my calendar, unfortunately due to time zones and work hours I am unable to attend a lot of them but I have gone to the meetings that work with my schedule. I haven't been in a couple weeks, I should be able to make it to Vince's meeting this week though.

Thanks

[Anastacia42]

You're welcome.

And what have you learned that Sensation of tension mean?

Loving

[beingbraden]

And what have you learned that Sensation of tension mean?

Tension means there is a lie

"Self" = Tension+Thought = Lie

I guess I really underestimated how much relaxation was going to be a key part in this

More Buttchair and more of the same experiences. Lots of peace and calm. The cramps come up in the sides of my chest. I think there's a lot of focus on my breath now because it seems like I am able to release any noticeable tension in the rest of my body, even my face which has notoriously held a lot of tension. The breath seems to be where I constrict when I am intentionally focusing or efforting.

I think I've noticed that when I can fully relax certain parts of my body is when they seem to disappear, or maybe more precisely they feel so light and spacious that there isn't really a ton of sensation going on.

[Anastacia42]

I guess I really underestimated how much relaxation was going to be a key part in this

Yes. Stay relaxed. LOOK

https://youtu.be/wyNwhK2Ur1c?si=TZwuFEst-7Hsadpu

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Yes, I am realizing more and more that I am catching myself thinking a lot when I should be looking more. I look for a bit and then I notice something and immediately try to make sense of it and then got lost in thought trying to make sense of it.

I have been doing multiple sessions of 20-30 minutes of buttchair every day.

My most recent sit that I just did
- Sensations in the body, pressure on the bottom
- Relaxation through the body
- Releasing tightness in the chest and breathing
- Hearing sounds in my room
- Trying to pay attention to the 'border' between body and chair and then getting lost in thought realizing that from the perspective of pure body sensation there is no concept of borders or separate objects
- Thoughts about the implications of this insight. Trying to form mental models and understand deeper. Trying to look, but then immediately being drawn back to thought

[Anastacia42]

there is no concept of borders or separate objects

Good!

LOOK there. No separation.

Loving

[beingbraden]

Today was a lot of meditation and sitting with buttchair, as well as just paying attention to direct experience.

I feel like I caught more glimpses which is exciting. A lot of stuff that we've talked about previously was experienced again, like recognizing that inner and outer are the same.

I went on a walk in the park and when I first got to the park and took in the sight of all the grass and trees and the sky and it felt for a split second like it was passing through me, or that I wasn't there. It almost felt like what I have read other people talk about where I lost sense of myself and "became one with" the park.

Realizing that everything I experience is filtered through my nervous system

Everything is deeply interconnected. The universe, the planet, my country, my friends, my body, my mind. Everything. Its all complex interconnected ecosystems that are all effecting each other all the time.. To say that there is a dividing line at some point where there is an "I" and everything outside of it is "not I" doesn't really make sense. On top of that, to think that I am in control of the "I" parts is borderline ridiculous..

And yet there is still a sense of ownership. There is a feeling of being in relation to myself. I view myself a certain way. It makes no sense logically, but there is a sense of control. It's strange because I seem to be understanding and deepening the realizations, but sometimes it feels like its still very intellectual.

Other questions that I came up during my sits (not looking for answers from you necessarily, but just things that have been on my mind)
- What is the thing that is doing the LOOKING?
- What does LOOKING feel like?
- What does it really mean to LOOK?
As I type these out I'm realizing that they are probably just distractions

[Anastacia42]

more glimpses which is exciting.

Very good.

probably just distractions

To quote Byron Katie "I'd take out the 'probably .'"

Don't confuse awareness with a self We remain aware.

Explore ‘Sense of Self’

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken. This is just like that.

You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

There's a pointer for looking in nature walls. too, but one at a time.

Loving,

[beingbraden]

I have been doing buttchair multiple times every day. Also listening to some non-dual teaching. Trying to pay attention to regular daily experience as much as possible. I didn't really feel like I had anything to update you on, so I hadn't posted the past few days.

I think I might have had a longer glimpse today while just walking around. Its hard to describe the feeling. Lately on my walks I have been just very happy and satisfied to just observe and be aware of everything, no division between "inside" and "outside". Its like I'm just aware of everything and its subtly beautiful.

There's this feeling that I can get in touch with where it almost feels like my sense of "I" gets removed from right behind my eyes where it normally sits and theres sort of just this diffuse awareness through my whole body and everywhere outside my body. When I am in that state I feel like I wouldn't be able to say there is a self anywhere specific. Its very subtle, for sure. I'm worried that I am just stepping back into a "witness" type of mode and its not really what we are looking for though(?) It does sort of feel like I am just observing everything in my awareness with detachment and not identifying anything as "me" or "I". Its all just direct experience appearing in awareness.

Thanks,
Braden