Help!

[graceabounds]

Ah, yes I was having the same trouble. Seems to be resolved now.

my mind is usually active with thoughts of past and future! It's been difficult lately to stay in the moment for any length of time as thoughts have been occupying my mind.

the "I" takes a back seat at times

Sometimes there is an awareness, other times I catch myself lost in thought and aren't aware of the thought just blankness.

Right now: Is there actually an “I” lost in thought, or just the experience of thought happening?

Tell me what is here, beneath the story of “my active mind.”

When “I” takes a back seat, what’s left?
Is anything missing? Does something stop functioning? Does life stop happening? Does seeing, hearing, sensation, breathing stop?
Or does everything continue exactly as before, but the narration of “me, my mind, my struggle” just fades?

What is the actual difference between “I am lost in thought” and “there is just… thought”?

What is aware of blankness?

Is there anyone in control of when awareness shows up, or when blankness appears?

When you say “sometimes” awareness, “sometimes” blankness, can you see this is a story told after the fact, about something already gone?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Right now: Is there actually an “I” lost in thought, or just the experience of thought happening?

It's just thoughts happening.

Tell me what is here, beneath the story of “my active mind.”

When “I” takes a back seat, what’s left?

When there is no "I" right now there is nothing, no thoughts or sensations. Just is!

Is anything missing?

Nothing is missing

Does something stop functioning?

No. Life continues on without commentary.

Does life stop happening? Does seeing, hearing, sensation, breathing stop?

No

Or does everything continue exactly as before, but the narration of “me, my mind, my struggle” just fades?

That is accurate.

What is the actual difference between “I am lost in thought” and “there is just… thought”?

There is no difference!

What is aware of blankness?

Awareness of blankness is nothing there to comment on, or sense. it's just there!

When you say “sometimes” awareness, “sometimes” blankness, can you see this is a story told after the fact, about something already gone?

Yes, I can see that it's just a story like everything else in this reality! The blankness is always there but to function in this world it is necessary to pull myself away from that experience to think otherwise I would be blind all the time. And in this world, one must pay attention at times to what is going on around you! Example would be driving a car!

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Very good.

Now, one more layer:

The blankness is always there but to function in this world it is necessary to pull myself away from that experience to think otherwise I would be blind all the time. And in this world, one must pay attention at times

This is important.

“To function in this world it is necessary to pull myself away...”
Is that actually true in your direct experience, or is it another story?

Lets look:
When you’re just driving, or walking, or listening (before the mind comments) does a separate self “pull away” from blankness, or does functioning just happen?

What evidence do you find, in direct experience, of a “self” leaving blankness to function?

Look, and feel it.

Who or what pulls away?
What does the pulling?

Are ‘you’ driving? Literally or metaphorically?

[Porky]

To function in this world it is necessary to pull myself away...”
Is that actually true in your direct experience, or is it another story?

It feels like a direct experience while its happening! When we are communicating,
I can see it could easily be another story!

Lets look:
When you’re just driving, or walking, or listening (before the mind comments) does a separate self “pull away” from blankness, or does functioning just happen?

Seems like functioning is just happening without comments but very briefly until thoughts come back in! When the watcher is there which is also briefly it seems like a different experience. Without thoughts just doing, just happening. It's very short lived and then the thinking overpowers the watcher and back to normal egoic self!

What evidence do you find, in direct experience, of a “self” leaving blankness to function?

I have no evidence to support the idea of a "self" at all! I do have periods of time when my attention exercises keep me very present with no blankness, no self, just sensations and very little thought!

Look, and feel it.

Who or what pulls away?
What does the pulling?

My egoic self pulls out of the blankness and thoughts begin again. Some decision-making processes and other thoughts just nonsense without any cause or reason.

Are ‘you’ driving? Literally or metaphorically?

Literally driving my car and when I call the Watcher, my experience changes. From thoughts to total sensation of seeing and touching. This lasts for sometimes moments other times minutes until my ego catches me and bombards me with thoughts which chases that witness away! It's a very interesting and unusual experience! One I haven't had until recently!

[graceabounds]

Hi Porky,

I really appreciate how you're staying with this. It’s clear you’re noticing shifts more directly now, and that matters.

My egoic self pulls out of the blankness

That’s a really honest description. Let’s stay close to the texture of that moment. Not to analyze or fix anything, just to feel into what’s really happening.

When that shift happens—from blankness into thought—see if you can slow it down, even a little. Not to control it, but to get curious. What’s actually going on right there?

When you say “egoic self pulls out” what are you referring to?

Is there something doing that pulling?

Or is there just a wave of thought and sensation appearing, and then a thought about a self doing something?

(Please don’t try to get it right. Just gently look, in real time, without force)

Can any “self” be found?

When the watcher is there which is also briefly it seems like a different experience. Without thoughts just doing, just happening. It's very short lived

Beautiful. That’s already close. But check again right now:
Is there actually a watcher? Or is there just… watching?

If you don’t rush, if you let things settle a little, you might notice: there’s no need to label or explain what’s seen. There’s just seeing, sensing, thoughts arising.

Let it be that simple!

And if blankness returns, just stay gentle with it. Let it be part of the terrain... neither destination nor obstacle.
You don’t need to get anywhere. You’re already in the middle of it. :)

It's a very interesting and unusual experience! One I haven't had until recently!

It's just what’s always been here, Only without the veil of narrative. ;)

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

When that shift happens—from blankness into thought—see if you can slow it down, even a little. Not to control it, but to get curious. What’s actually going on right there?

If I slow it down and look, it appears the blankness will last for a short time and then ego or thoughts begin again, which I immediately recognize! I have to constantly talk to myself and say, that was a thought or stay in the moment. Again, that will last for a short time and then thoughts come barreling in to take over what's going on. Sometimes I'm so lost in thought that when I slightly wake out of it, I don't even know what I was thinking about as if it was underlying my consciousness.

When you say “egoic self pulls out” what are you referring to?

I'm referring to the portion of me that pulls away from sensations and nothingness to a state of thoughts.

Is there something doing that pulling?

I'm not aware of anything doing the pulling it seems to happen on its own.

Or is there just a wave of thought and sensation appearing, and then a thought about a self doing something?

That sounds about right!

Can any “self” be found?

Here is where I get a nebulous feeling! I want to believe there is no self! I can say Oh there is no self! But evidence to the contrary can be found at times. There are times that my experience says, "No Self" Nothing but energy and being. Then it's that sense or feel like there is a self or something! It's difficult to put into words because the feelings, sensations of the present are inconclusive because it doesn't last, and the supposed self/ego reappears. I hope this makes some sense to you!

Beautiful. That’s already close. But check again right now:
Is there actually a watcher? Or is there just… watching?

Yes, there is really no watcher just watching that appears when I say the word "Watcher".





Thanks Again, Porky

[graceabounds]

You’re absolutely making sense. This is what it looks like when the veil begins to thin.

If I slow it down and look, it appears the blankness will last for a short time and then ego or thoughts begin again, which I immediately recognize

Can you feel the shift there? How it moves from experiencing into thinking about the experience?

That moment where recognition happens (“Oh, that was a thought”) is gold. Not because it stops the pattern, but because you’re not lost. You’re seeing.

There are times that my experience says, "No Self" Nothing but energy and being. Then it's that sense or feel like there is a self or something! It's difficult to put into words because the feelings, sensations of the present are inconclusive because it doesn't last, and the supposed self/ego reappears

Great. That’s not a concept, its a lived glimpse.
Then the “sense of self” returns. That’s the conditioning, the momentum of habit. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed or the insight was false.

So here’s something to explore when the sense of self reappears:

Look at it freshly, like this:
Where is it?
Is it a feeling? A tension? A thought?
Can you find where it’s located?
Don’t try to make it go away. Just see if you can track what it’s made of.

And it doesn’t have to last… Nothing does.
You’re not trying to sustain a state. You’re training yourself to see clearly whenever and wherever you are!

Yes, there is really no watcher just watching that appears when I say the word "Watcher".

Exactly. The label creates the illusion. But when you look it is just one thing, life unfolding. No go-between.

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Can you feel the shift there? How it moves from experiencing into thinking about the experience?

Yes, I can feel the shift into thinking from experience!

So here’s something to explore when the sense of self reappears:

Look at it freshly, like this:
Where is it?

The last couple of days have been extremely challenging! My sense of self has been attacking with fear and taking any recognition of any kind of No Self out and replacing it with an overwhelming sense of discomfort felt in my body and mind! It's like an emotional roller coaster ride with feelings of physical illness, mostly in my stomach, that comes and goes! When I recognized it this morning, my first thought was here we go again to prevent this entity from seeing love instead, bringing fear in to get my attention away from any growth away from the ego! I then ask myself, what are you afraid of? No answer!

Is it a feeling? A tension? A thought?

Moving from experience to thinking has been lacking the experience part. When I do go from one to the other it's a sense, a feeling.

Can you find where it’s located?

Normally it's more of a complete being sensation. Like going from one feeling, sensation to another.


Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Hi Porky,

This is incredibly valuable, what you’re noticing.

My sense of self has been attacking with fear and taking any recognition of any kind of No Self out and replacing it with an overwhelming sense of discomfort felt in my body and mind! It's like an emotional roller coaster ride with feelings of physical illness, mostly in my stomach, that comes and goes!

Yes. This is exactly what often arises when things are getting close.

When old identity structures begin to crack, fear rushes in. not because something’s going wrong, but because the system is losing the illusion of control. It doesn’t know how to exist without the self-story. So it fights. With fear. With tension. With confusion. Even with physical sensation. This is familiar territory, right?

Instead of trying to fix or escape it, get close:

When fear arises like that:
1. Pause
No need to push it away or analyze it. Just pause.
2. Drop into the body
Go into the sensation. Not the story. The actual felt sense.
The tightness. The heat. The swirl in the gut. The pressure behind the eyes.
3. Ask quietly (but don’t demand an answer):
“What is this protecting?”
“What does this fear believe it’s saving me from?”

You might get no answer. That’s okay. Sometimes it’s just a wall of silence.

But by asking and staying present with the sensation—without labeling, fixing, or fleeing, you’re doing something profoundly unfamiliar: not feeding the loop.
And that’s where things begin to shift. :)

I then ask myself, what are you afraid of? No answer!

The fear isn’t always verbal. It’s primal. It’s body memory. It’s not ‘your’ fear! It’s just what arises when the identity is threatened.
When you can meet it gently and fully (without believing the story it brings) it starts to unravel.

Even just noticing:
“Oh, this fear is appearing. It feels like this. It’s here to distract, to protect. And… it’s okay.”
That’s enough.


Awakening isn’t about having no fear. It’s about seeing fear clearly, as just one more appearance, without a “you” behind it. When you can do that, even for a breath or two, that’s freedom.

And it’s already happening.

much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

When old identity structures begin to crack, fear rushes in. not because something’s going wrong, but because the system is losing the illusion of control. It doesn’t know how to exist without the self-story. So it fights. With fear. With tension. With confusion. Even with physical sensation. This is familiar territory, right?

Yes indeed!! This cycle has been going on for many years! When I just let it be it appears to be somewhat calmer!
I'm doing my best not to fight it and just except what's going on as it is! Which is easier said then done!

When fear arises like that:
1. Pause
No need to push it away or analyze it. Just pause.
2. Drop into the body
Go into the sensation. Not the story. The actual felt sense.
The tightness. The heat. The swirl in the gut. The pressure behind the eyes.
3. Ask quietly (but don’t demand an answer):
“What is this protecting?”
“What does this fear believe it’s saving me from?”

When I ask this feeling what it is protecting or saving me from?
The answer is, I don't know! This answer is unsatisfactory as it seems there is nothing to protect! Without going into labels or story!

Thank you so much for your support! When that feeling of illness arises again, I will make sure to reread your suggestions!
Porky

[graceabounds]

When I just let it be it appears to be somewhat calmer!
I'm doing my best not to fight it and just except what's going on as it is! Which is easier said then done!

Yes, the ‘I’ who fights is fighting to maintain itself! Without that fight, who are you?

The answer is, I don't know! This answer is unsatisfactory as it seems there is nothing to protect! Without going into labels or story!

Unsatisfactory to who?
The one who needs knowledge…?
The one who wants to figure this all out?

That impulse to protect is a hollow thing.
Let the question rest. Feel the body. Let whatever arises come, without chasing it to completion.


Anytime throughout the day just pause and gently ask:
What is here without the story?

Not “what should be here.”
Not “what do I want to be here.”
Just: what is here now?

And is it missing anything?

[Porky]

Yes, the ‘I’ who fights is fighting to maintain itself! Without that fight, who are you?

I'm not sure who I am! That's how it's been. I look and have to remind myself constantly to stay in the moment.
If I don't, thought takes over. Which has been the norm these days.

Unsatisfactory to who?

To the mind that thinks!

The one who needs knowledge…?
The one who wants to figure this all out?

Yes, that's the one to both questions. The one who I see most of the time and on occasions during the day relaxes and that's when the witness can step in. This appears to be the story I'm currently in.

Anytime throughout the day just pause and gently ask:
What is here without the story?

Not “what should be here.”
Not “what do I want to be here.”
Just: what is here now?

When you ask that question what begins to appear is just sensations. Briefly seeing, hearing, touch. As soon as I stop concentrating on sensations, thoughts of past and future arise.

And is it missing anything?

No, it seems to be what is! Not forcing anything just experiencing what is going on. So, what is going on should be here in whatever form it takes.

[graceabounds]

Without that fight, who are you?

I'm not sure who I am!

Exactly. And there’s no rush to answer. Not knowing isn’t the problem. It’s the doorway.
You’re seeing that clearly now. The mind wants to define who you are. Wants to grasp. But what you’re actually touching isn’t something thoughts can hold.

it seems to be what is! Not forcing anything just experiencing what is going on. So, what is going on should be here in whatever form it takes.

Can you feel how different this is from trying to get somewhere?

This is it. Not a special state or a “final arrival.” Just… the living simplicity of what’s here, without needing to escape or explain.

Stay close to that, and look:
Can thoughts too be what is? Part of the totality…
Are they needing to be monitored? Stopped? Have ‘you’ been able to do that? It was never the point!

This isn’t about stopping thoughts. It’s about seeing them for what they are: Weather patterns in a sky that was never affected by them.

Instead of staying in the moment…

Let the moment stay.

Relax the grip and see what happens. :)

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

it seems to be what is! Not forcing anything just experiencing what is going on. So, what is going on should be here in whatever form it takes.
Can you feel how different this is from trying to get somewhere?

Yes, if I'm trying to get somewhere it feels like a struggle.

Stay close to that, and look:
Can thoughts too be what is? Part of the totality…
Are they needing to be monitored? Stopped? Have ‘you’ been able to do that? It was never the point!

Absolutely, thoughts are part of what is! No, I haven't been able to stop my thoughts or even control them. I've been able to see them but not always know where they come from and certainly cannot control them. Yes, it is a part of what is, but what if I just want to experience presence without thoughts for an extended period of time? Thats my dilemma! I get tired of thinking and thoughts bombarding me! I know the goal is not to get rid of them as they are a part of What Is, but isn't there a way to quiet them down and get more conscious of Just Is? The attention exercises do help. Maybe I'm impatient with myself! As I want to see more progress and am determined to find answers to this seemingly mundane reality with its mostly completely unconscious humans!! And this is my reality as well. with my stories!

Instead of staying in the moment…

Let the moment stay.

I like the sound of this, yet as is all of this, with childhood and whatever other programming we have sometimes it gets very frustrating when results are easier said than done!

Best Wishes, Porky

[graceabounds]

what if I just want to experience presence without thoughts for an extended period of time?

Who is that?
Who is the one who wants?

Can that wanting itself be seen as just another thought… arising in presence?

Wanting to be free from thought…is just more thought.

It’s tricky, isn’t it? Because it feels like a sincere spiritual desire. But if you look, it’s still thought saying “This moment is not quite it yet. Something more peaceful should be happening.”

And that little turn away is the moment the chase starts again.

I get tired of thinking and thoughts bombarding me! I know the goal is not to get rid of them as they are a part of What Is, but isn't there a way to quiet them down

You don’t have to stop thought. You don’t even have to reduce it. You only have to see it as NOT YOU. Not something you’re doing, in control of, or that a ‘you’ needs to fix.


Does thought make any contact with other kinds of sense experience, such as sounds or sensations – or are they totally separate from each other?

Maybe I'm impatient with myself! As I want to see more progress and am determined to find answers to this seemingly mundane reality with its mostly completely unconscious humans!! And this is my reality as well. with my stories!

Is there a “you” who should be further along? Is that even possible?
What is this self that is “impatient”? Where is it?

What in your actual experience proves that anyone else is unconscious?
Look in your experience. Not your thoughts, not your memories. Right now.

So what is here now, without reaching forward or backward?

Are you willing to let the whole story burn?