I am not myself lately

[MotherT]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I understand that there is no “me”. At some point in my childhood an “I” was constructed by my mind to create a character in the story of information that was received via my sensory inputs from the body. There is no “self”, there is only this experience that my mind and body are participating in. This “self” is a construct made by my mind.

What are you looking for at LU?
I have been sitting with this information of not being “myself”, and then I find my mind creating this experience “higher self” that is not “me” but something far greater and incomprehensible to experience. Like, we are this greater organism and mind collectively, which can be experienced but not fully.

I know that I am not “me” and yet I find when I think to do this thing that will bring a feeling of great satisfaction (the work) there is some invisible part of “me” that is stubborn—maybe even fearful of living to my fullest potential. Like there is some great invisible precipice that I must pass through. Like there is a shadow part of this identity that I can’t seem to pinpoint or shake.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I became acquainted with this forum after reading Brutal Beginning by The Ruthless Arena and following a rabbit hole. I had been searching for a simple message that would work to liberate other minds. I expect brutal honesty from a guide; someone who will really push me to reveal the cracks of where this identity of self rears her head in subconscious ways. Also, being wholly honest here, I am seeking some validation on whether I am liberated, or if my mind is still intellectualizing this concept of “self” by creating a “higher self” to explore.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I have been a practicing occultist for 25 years. My journey has been varied—I have read hundreds of esoteric texts over the years. My practice has landed in a highly syncretized process of meditating mostly on Kabbalah, Hermeticism, Theurgy, Shamanism, and Kaula Tantra. My experience has lead me to a mission and desire to help free humanity from mental slavery and to harmonize with their environment. It was thrilling to find Brutal Beginnings, because I finally found the simple words that would describe the thing I was experiencing. There is no “me”. Is it true? Yes. A resounding YES! It is true.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[Lubo]

Hi,
Welcome to the forum.

My name is Lubo, and I’m happy to be your guide — if that’s OK with you?

This “self” is a construct made by my mind.

What is this mind or intellect?
And what is this “me” — the supposed owner of the mind?

By the way, what name would you like me to call you?

With love,
Lubo

[MotherT]

HI Lubo,

Nice to meet you. Thank you so much for taking the time to work through these concepts with me. Your kindness and attention is much appreciated. My friends call me M, which is short for Maryanna. Feel free to use either:)

I experience the mind, or intellect much like a sort of soup. It is not mine, but rather, this universal thing that we are all swimming in; and are conduits to experience. There is this illusion of "my mind" which is a mechanism to make sense of the experience of life in this container called a body. When I sit, there are thoughts or images that pass through and I can watch without attachment to them--they are not my own. There are other thoughts which become part of the programming to make sense of my experience; the most stubborn one being "me". This "me" is simply a construct.

There seems to be some sort of feedback loop, however, that I haven't been able to break. I am not "myself", but I feel this deep devotion to Spirit--this universal thing, like the Spirit of life itself. This turns back on "me" and then I get the feeling that "I" am supposed to be doing something greater than what I am doing. This seems to reinforce the illusion of self. I can break it with attention to the question, but it doesn't seem to stick in these moments. Does this make sense?

Best,
M

[Lubo]

Hi dear Maryanna,
Thank you for your reply.

I experience the mind, or intellect, much like a sort of soup. It is not mine, but rather, this universal thing that we are all swimming in; and are conduits to experience. There is this illusion of "my mind" which is a mechanism to make sense of the experience of life in this container called a body.

Let’s stay right here for a moment — this is powerful.

You are already sensing something profound: that mind and bodies are floating in something larger. But there is still a subtle confusion — and that’s what we’re here to explore.

You're not in the soup.
You are the soup.
Everything — thoughts, sensations, bodies, identities — are floating in you, not the other way around.

You're here to wake up from the idea that the body is someone, that the mind is something important that makes things happen.
But what if all of that is just movement within you, the vast field of awareness?

Look now:
What is showing up in experience — thoughts, body sensations, emotions — can you see they are all appearing in you?
That the body does not perceive, but is perceived?
That thoughts don’t witness — they are witnessed?

Everything placed in the soup — what’s arising now?

Look directly, gently.
You’re not a part inside this.
You are the whole thing.

With love,
Lubo

[MotherT]

HI Lubo,

Thank you for your reply. I think you have touched on something important. It is much easier for "me" to perceive corporeal existence/self to a larger whole. I like to think of it as one eternal organism. We are these fruiting bodies on this eternal tree, and within us lies the seed with the blueprint to the entire tree. When it comes to the mind, it is much more difficult to integrate the whole...which is funny, because I *know* it is not "my mind" it is the Great mind. I *know* that when I do sadhana, I am not worshipping an entity outside of the whole--I am sitting in a state of being with the whole itself--in union.

I think the loop comes because life in late-stage capitalism is hard. More than hard, it is abominable. I see the horrors of the world and think "how can we do this to ourself? "I" must do something". I live in Downtown Los Angeles where these horrors are occurring right outside my window. I want to leave and be a hermit in the woods, but then I feel like I am turning my back on something. How do we hold this wisdom of being the whole while being so helpless to change it? I read something a while back from the Sufi mystic, Hazrat Inayat Khan where he talks about the right kind of indifference. Is that what I am missing to hold this wisdom? Or does it just take practice?

Look now:
What is showing up in experience — thoughts, body sensations, emotions — can you see they are all appearing in you?
That the body does not perceive, but is perceived?
That thoughts don’t witness — they are witnessed?

I think I can see this. I've always looked at it that we are all divine instruments of perception. Yes, each one is unique, but it is all part of the greater whole. It doesn't feel liberating though. "I" can free "myself" of this illusion of self but it does not change that "I" feel oppressed. Even when "I" try detachment or indifference, it feels like a lie. That "Maryanna" or whatever name I go by, needs to do something about it. Then I go back to the truth of it all, and then the loop goes back to, "why bother? The whole thing is just carrying on anyway." This carrot floating in the soup can't change that the chef added too much salt. Am I pulling my own hair? Am I missing faith in the greater story? This is where I get stuck.

Thank you, Lubo. Please let me know if I am getting off topic here.

Best,
M

[Lubo]

Hi dear M,

I see the horrors of the world and think "how can we do this to ourselves? 'I' must do something."

This is so powerful. Thank you for this fire, this longing. Let's use it. Let's do it.

You also shared:

When it comes to the mind, it is much more difficult to integrate the whole...which is funny, because I know it is not "my mind"—it is the Great Mind. I know that when I do sadhana, I am not worshipping an entity outside of the whole—I'm sitting in union with the whole itself.

Yes. You want to wake up from the dream of being a separate persona. In the dream, you're doing sadhana—devotional practice. And the dream becomes painful because the mind sees enemies and problems.

But what if we check now how powerful you really are?

Shift this: it’s not a tragedy, it’s an erotic film.
You are Eros itself—the director of every scene.
You appear as this woman’s body, yes—but also as all the others.
You are not just the actor—you are the director playing the actor, discovering herself.

How does that feel? :)

Are you ready to wake up from the dream of being "someone"—once and for all?

If yes, then:

Calm the mind. Invite it gently to play. Show it this is not a dangerous world. You are appearing here by Grace—in an erotic movie—just to realize you are God, Eros itself.

Look at this woman’s body—your body.
Feel the hand as it touches the face—how intimate, how tenderly erotic?

And gently notice: you are not just that. You are the one quietly enjoying this experience, with wonder, from within the movie?
Say something now. Listen: how does the voice appear in the film?
Sing a song—feel how the very sound is erotic?
Feel the breath. Isn’t it an erotic experience?
Look at the people walking in the street—how beautifully they move, how perfectly they exist in your film?


Feel your anger—your power. Use it. Let it change the character you’re playing. Let it reshape the whole movie to your taste.

See even the dangerous people—how serious they are in their roles. Isn't that both funny and deeply erotic?
Don't look at the perspective of the role/body you are playing but from perspective to be the Director?

I imagine you’re doing all this as I say it.
So now I ask you:

Who are you—really?
Are you this body?
Are you the story?
Are you born or the movie just appear in you in this very moment exactly as it is , exactly as this scene right now, M is reading this?

With so much love,
Lubo

[MotherT]

HI Lubo,
Apologies for the delay...Things got a little hectic with the protests and military forces downtown...It's quieter now:)

I've been sitting with what you shared with me. I'll be completely honest with you. Observing my thoughts the days after your message, I was frustrated. Everything you shared with me are revelations that I have had--even down to the metaphor of actor/writer/director as well as the realization that this is all a dream. Why was I unable to hold this awareness?

I couple days passed and I sat down for an hour long meditation using binaural sound waves. I slipped too deep and entered a dream state. In this dream, I grabbed a beach chair and walked out my door with the wonderful idea to go outside and meditate with binaural sound waves. I walked to Chinatown and plopped my chair in the middle of the street--this was the perfect place to mediate. During my meditation I slipped too deep and entered a dream state. I caught myself and tried to wake up, but my eyes would not open! I tried and tried, but they were completely crusted shut. I calmed myself by allowing me to re-enter the dream state. When I went back to my dream, my eyes were shut there too! Now I started to worry. Was I blind, or were my eyes just closed? I physically forced my eyes open with my fingers and still could not see. Now I was really panicked. A fear washed over me, but I was still lucid enough to know this was a dream, and that I was indeed meditating on a beach chair in quiet Chinatown. I calmed myself and slowly opened my eyes only to find myself laying on the floor in a downtown loft. It took me a moment to realize where and who I was, as I had fully believed I was some version of "me" sitting on a beach chair in Chinatown. In this moment, I understood that this is all indeed a dream.

Since then, it has been much easier to hold this wisdom in the present. It has been a bit uncanny around here. Police shooting tear gas and rubber bullets at peaceful protestors outside my window. Military personnel patrolling my neighborhood. Curfews and helicopters and drones patrolling the skies. This isn't just a dream, it is a nightmare. But I am no longer anxious or fearful. It just is what it is, and I can now alchemize the discomfort into something exciting. I feel very much like I am in the drivers seat...well, not "me" Maryanna, but something that is part of a greater Spirit or force. "I" did not choose this movie, but it is created, and there is witnessing but it is not "me".

Thank you, Lubo. Your metaphors have been delightful, helpful, and liberating. There is this new feeling/sensation right at the heart chakra that is electrifying.

All the best,
M

[Lubo]

Hi dear M,
Thank you for your reply.
It’s so beautiful to feel you.

"This isn't just a dream, it is a nightmare. But I am no longer anxious or fearful. It just is what it is, and I can now alchemize the discomfort into something exciting. I feel very much like I am in the driver's seat... well, not 'me' Maryanna, but something that is part of a greater Spirit or force. 'I' did not choose this movie, but it is created, and there is witnessing—but it is not 'me'."

I love what you said about this "greater Spirit or force."
Now gently notice: the one in the driver’s seat…
The one who seems to be living in the nightmare — its name is “Confusion.”
A beautiful, innocent confusion that arose with the message “you were born.”

Try this:
Label every subject that appears in you with the words:
“innocent confusion.”
See what shifts when you do that.

With so much love,
Lubo

[Lubo]

Hey Maryanna,
What is going on? Are you still with me?

Love to you,
Lubo

[MotherT]

Hi Lubo,

Apologies for dropping off. I've been spending time in the drivers seat, yet swirling in the chaos of beautiful confusion. Centered and in commune with the life unfolding on itself.

There seems to have been a major shift in this process of what feels like sitting in the soul-seat. Like some sort of membrane or veil has been pierced. I previously stated that the corporeal oneness was easier to grasp, and that it was the mental plane that I struggled to integrate as a whole. I've been sitting with a still mind--observing the river of thoughts and abnegated from the concept of "myself". There is this part of the mind where I see the ego play in. There is a master and slave at work within "myself". Or at least there has been until this realization. The slave believes that things are happening to them. The slave receives what it is given and reacts. All the while the master is creating the conditions to keep the self enslaved to its limiting beliefs. Maybe R.A. Wilson said it much simpler, "what the thinker thinks, the prover proves". I am both master and slave. Getting in the drivers seat is liberating the ego-self from its beliefs, known associations, or programs. I can now catch "myself" running on old patterns that do not serve the greatest good and bring awareness to the programs operating in the background--and change them.

Something else I have been experiencing with this pierced mental membrane is an increase in telepathic experiences. I almost hesitate to share this, because it might sound crazy. On the mental plane, it is as if we as "individuals" are actually vesicles in the same piece of fruit. I've scared my partner multiple times this week as we are falling asleep, answering their thoughts aloud. My dreams have taken an interesting shift as well. I am not taking these experiences very seriously, or even trying to harness them. I'm sharing because I wonder if you have any insight or experience with this?

I feel as if I am a single leaf on a tree realizing it is the branch, the trunk, the roots. In this realization there is much to explore. So that's what I've been up to--exploring this big old tree. Maybe "I" am not a leaf, but a blossom, getting ready to burst open and share our fragrant beauty.

Much love to you, Lubo. I appreciate your being.

All our love,
M

[Lubo]

Hi M,

Something else I have been experiencing with this pierced mental membrane is an increase in telepathic experiences. I almost hesitate to share this, because it might sound crazy. On the mental plane, it is as if we as "individuals" are actually vesicles in the same piece of fruit. I've scared my partner multiple times this week as we are falling asleep, answering their thoughts aloud. My dreams have taken an interesting shift as well. I am not taking these experiences very seriously, or even trying to harness them. I'm sharing because I wonder if you have any insight or experience with this?

I love the word "vesicles" that you use.
Telepathy can only appear to exist if there are two separate vesicles — but now, look closely:
Where do thoughts actually come from?

See that they arise from — and for — the same formless, infinite vesicles.


Forget the word "body" for a moment — forget the idea that such a thing even exists —
and notice what is truly real:
That from which all thoughts and emotions arise, and into which they dissolve again.

So much love to you,
Lubo