I'd like to awaken please

[poppyseed]

Maks,
Thank you for your honesty and openness—this kind of raw sharing takes real courage.
Because you mentioned thoughts about suicide, I want to be clear:
It’s really important that you speak with a therapist or mental health professional. Not because something is “wrong” with you, but because some of what you’re facing is deep, overwhelming, and deserves proper care and support. It’s a sign of respect for the intensity of what’s coming up. Awakening work can open raw spaces, and it’s vital to be supported by someone trained to walk with you through that.

Otherwise, yes. I’m still here. And I will be with all the support that you need (not professional though)
This whole message is absolutely beautiful. Not because it's neat, or resolved, or cleaned up—but because it's real. Raw. You’re not hiding in pseudo-awakened polish.
Let’s get something clear:
You don’t need to “stay in it.”
You don’t need to “practice harder.”
You don’t need to “stabilize clarity.”
Because nothing ever left. You can’t get out of “this.” There is no exit. The moment you try to escape it—even into spiritual practice—you’re caught again in the idea that there’s somewhere else to be. Somewhere better.
You’ve already seen that even thinking is just happening.
That focus and equanimity aren’t something “you” produce. They come when the story is quietened. And that is why the story needs to be seen through. Not suppressed and avoided but seen through. Otherwise it is bypassing (spiritual or drug-induced) and that never works.

And the fear? The dread about it being forever, the hopelessness, the "not enough energy to carry this identity forward"?
Yes. All of it is part of this too.
Not as something to fix. But as the gateway. You need to see it for what it is, not what thought says it is. As long as life is seen as problematic and uncomfortable, there will be no peace. This is perfect the way it is. Drugs can’t take you through. You get hooked on states, and THIS is not about states. Even the states get progressively not great and you need more to sustain it, as the story has a way of coming back.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6KnVTYtSc0
You need to stay with that – the discomfort, the sadness – experience them fully, see them as what they are (i.e. unnameable sensations passing by). That is the only way. And that is why you need professional help, someone to lead you through the intensity (like a CBT therapists)
Here are two stories that might resonate:
https://vinceschubert.substack.com/p/th ... -addiction
https://vinceschubert.substack.com/p/the-river

Stay close.
Always with you,
Love
Rali

[Basil]

Hey :)
Thanks for the concern, I don't feel it's super necessary when it comes to the addiction angle. I don't mean the stories don't land: they very much do in the sense of the perceived uncomfortableness of _this_ and the perceived need to get away from it but this manifests 90% as an addiction to thought. Figuring stuff out, ingesting information or even just occupying the mind with some external chatter like youtube videos at 2x speed about technical stuff or news. This is seriously the real addiction. Like I want to emphasize this point because I want this to be heard: most of the flinching away is not into actions but just attention going into imaginary thoughtscapes.

I took mdma and I think with the best precautions practical. As far as I can tell it does not have a significant opioid effect. I wouldn't want to ever take opioids. The experience wasn't one of bliss, just easy access to raw and intimate direct experience. That in turn allows to see thoughts for what they are. The feeling of the cup, the wetness of water, the coldness of the legs. And that isn't _positive_ per se. There was resistance to feeling the coldness so directly but the emotional safety made it so that there wasn't a turning away, it was appreciated for the sensation it is and there was a movement to wrap the legs in a blanket which actually helped. And so this was just an episode of direct experience of senses and thoughts. Intentional slowing down of the movements, more mindfullness with each step i guess. I'm unsure if you caught that when you read my previous post.

As far as I can tell this is also not the most common way mdma is experienced. Perhaps you know it was used as a therapy aid? It makes you not flinch away from the scary or intense things as much and they are given a chance to surface but it's still from the person's perspective. The seeing through these stories or the badness of the sensations themselves I'd attribute more to an "intentional" looking.

I know these kinds of proclamations can't be 100% honest but I don't feel compelled to take more nor is this problematic for functioning. I mean it's not great for the body but I try to minimize the impact. I understand that this is not an out. Nothing left, yes, just beliefs about this being elusive or confusion about the nature of confusion.

As for the suicide: when I wrote that the thoughts didn't have any _weight_, it's hard to take them seriously in that way because what do they know about the future? But yeah I can respect the intensity and go look for a therapist. Finding someone who I won't dismiss is going to be a bit of a problem. The CBT route seems a bit shallow or fake, like retraining the person so that the thoughts that come aren't as unpleasant or hurtful. But they are still believed. The psychodynamic thing is on one hand deeper but on the other hand it gives opportunities to get lost in it's own sauce and think up new explanations and theories. But yeah I'm going to do it since you recommend it.

Love
Maks

[poppyseed]

Maks,

Thank you. This is a deeply grounded and articulate reply—and I’m hearing you fully.

You clarified your experience with stunning precision: the addiction isn’t about substance, it’s to thought itself. That reflexive flinch away from raw experience, not by acting out, but by drifting into mental space, seeking protection in ideas, analysis, and imagined narratives. That’s the real loop.

And yes, I heard it in your earlier post too—the slowing down, the intimate contact, the seeing of sensation without embellishment. The coolness of the legs. The wrapping in the blanket. There’s nothing “psychedelic” about that—it’s just clean presence. Your description of MDMA as a temporary thinning of resistance makes sense. Not chasing bliss, just clarity. Just don't forget, it is a crutch. Like any crutch, it doesn't give you legs—it gives you support so you remember you already have them. And if you start believing you need the crutch every time you want to walk? Then you’ve missed the point.

The clarity isn’t the drug.
The openness, the seeing—that wasn’t caused by MDMA. The chemical just dropped your usual defenses for a while. You saw. You looked. Nothing new was created. So yes, it’s a crutch. And that means it must be dropped eventually.

Here’s the real test:
Can you walk back into that same raw, immediate presence—sober, vulnerable, disarmed—without grasping for the crutch?
Can you sit with the coldness, the sadness, the ache of being—and not reach for any story at all?

If not, you haven’t seen fully yet.
If yes, you don’t need anything else. Not even this conversation.

Is anything missing here?
What needs to be added to make this complete?

Nothing left, yes, just beliefs about this being elusive or confusion about the nature of confusion.

That’s it.

Now, to the suicide thoughts.

The thoughts didn't have any weight… But yeah I can respect the intensity and go look for a therapist.

That’s all I needed to know. Because you get it: we’re not doing damage control here. We’re honoring the depth of what this work stirs up. It's not about being at risk. It's about having a space where the psyche itself can open wider, safely, with someone who knows how to walk beside it when old structures start to fall.

You don’t need to find the perfect method. What matters is contact—that there's someone outside of the recursive mind loops who can hold space without trying to fix or reframe prematurely. So yes—find someone. And once that’s in place, I’ll be right here. We can keep going, deeper than before, without flinching.

Here’s where we’ll resume when you’re ready:

Who says this is “confusion”?
What exactly is confusion—if no thought names it?
Is there actually something wrong, or just a belief that this moment is insufficient?

Until then: stay in the warmth, the slow steps, the blanket.

Always here,
Love
Rali

[poppyseed]

Hey Maks
I watched that video and I found it quite interesting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCtvAvZtJyE
Enjoy!
Love
Rali

[poppyseed]

Hey Maks

It's been a while... How is life?
Love
Rali

[Basil]

Hey Rali,

It felt nice when you reached out :>

I did find a therapist as you advised and am still meeting her. It doesn't really feel like a significant support in my life or anything and I kind of clash with her or have doubts and feel misunderstood and frustration-adjacent when I need to explain to her things that feel easy or have to guide her beyond surface understandings of what I say. I guess her highlighting this as a dynamic that goes on with my mother as well felt like a worthwhile insight: I have the expectation/demand that people should be able to do certain mental transforms.

I wasn't doing much looking practice. I did do the medical intervention stuff and that's still got around 2 or 3 months for full effects (hormonal stuff mostly). It's still a bit early. Looking good so far, though not as I imagined. I imagined this would be more magical and that I'd be this other person.

I'm feeling a bit lost or directionless. I've been burnt by ambitions a couple times growing up when I hit walls of low energy, self defeating spirals, mood issues so I learned to kind of drop ambitions. The mood and energy is a bit better but effort is still effortful which I'm somehow managing to feel cheated about. Unfair. It's a bit of a mess expectations-wise but conditions are straightening out slowly I guess. I mean I'm unemployed a bit too long but that's not a huge deal for survival. Recently I helped out my friend with some work for a couple of days and just empathising with his guilt spirals and exhaustion and helplessness was enough to send knots through my stomach, scare me and remind me of why I felt so terrible working. The passivity is grinding on me in a judgmental way though.

This is all messy and unplanned as you hopefully see but a justification that I thought up post factum for why I didn't continue with the inquiry was that the fear or emotional fragility was demonstrably a big barrier and maybe let's fix that up a bit and then the "staying" with DE is gonna be easier. Shift my emotional baseline a bit towards that acceptance that seemed to help so much. I don't know what you think about this. It's ultimately untrue that there's these preconditions but relatively speaking I'm reminded of this soldier's account who's of short stature and struggled with bootcamp in the marines because of running endurance. He asked instructors what to do and everyone just said to push through the pain where he just didn't have the space to even build muscles because they weren't feeding them enough and he was doing additional runs on his weekends in a sincere effort to catch up which only further drained him. Not a great analogy. I don't feel nearly as dedicated or strong-willed as him.

How has life been on your end? :)

Love,
Maks

[poppyseed]

Hi Maks 💙
Thank you for being so raw with this. I’m not interested in a tidy report — the “messiness” is actually the gold.
Notice: everything you just poured out — therapist clashes, hormonal shifts, lostness, unfairness, fear of effort, friend’s spirals, soldier analogy — it’s all already appearing. Thought makes it into “my barriers, my conditions, my failures.” But in the immediacy… aren’t they just colours, sensations, words?
Who exactly is the one that has to be “emotionally ready” before looking? Where is that fragile one — in sensation, or only in the commentary about sensation?
You see, the trap is subtle: “I’ll fix up the base, then I’ll inquire.” But isn’t that the seeker sneaking back in — “one day I’ll finally qualify for this”? Look right now: is direct experience waiting for hormones to balance, for ambition to return, for energy to stabilise? Or is it already fully here — sound, colour, sensation, thought?
I want to press you gently but firmly: the fragility, exhaustion, unfairness, even the judgment — aren’t these the exact gateways? Not obstacles. Right here, exactly as they arise, before the label “too much”.
Professional help stabilises the system, yes. But the seeking mind loves to weaponize that advice:
“I need to be completely healed first. I need to fix all conditions before I can look.”
That turns into yet another postponement, another disguise of the seeker.
Therapy and inquiry don’t cancel each other. Therapy may make inquiry less overwhelming, but inquiry doesn’t actually require a “perfect” baseline. It requires only the willingness to look now, into what’s actually showing up. If someone is stable enough to type to me like you just did — that’s already more than enough ground for looking.
When fear, anger, guilt, or shame arise, the antidote is to cultivate calm. Instead of "fixing" these emotions or waiting for them to diminish, the practice involves staying with the sensation of the emotion, allowing it to become big, and then detaching the thought-label from it. This direct engagement with uncomfortable bodily sensations – such as the "hot, tight energy in your chest" or the "pure panic and pain" you previously described – is central to the healing process. It's about meeting the sensation with unconditional acceptance, compassion, and love, recognizing it as a part of you that needs attention and space.
Right now, bring up that sense of fragility — the “emotional fragility,” the fear, the sense of not being stable enough. Don’t analyse it. Just let it be here.
Without the label fragility, what’s actually here?
What is it made of in direct experience — sensation, colour, sound, thought?
Does the raw sensation itself say “I’m fragile,” or is that a story riding on top of it?
Stay with that and check:
If there’s no “me” behind it, no owner, is there anything left to be fragile? Or is there just this alive movement appearing, already whole?
Tell me: when you strip away the label fragility, what exactly remains right now?

This awakening process is not linear, and there are no preconditions for "being ready" or "being further along". The idea of needing to "fix" your emotional baseline before engaging with the inquiry is actually a subtle form of diversion and spiritual bypassing. If you still experience reactivity, such as anger or frustration, it's a sign that there is an underlying belief that needs your awareness, attention, compassion, and love. This work is precisely how those underlying beliefs and the emotional "icky feelings" linked to them are dissolved. You don't need to intellectually understand the trauma or its origins; the healing happens by creating space for the feeling to be present and by meeting it with love and acceptance.
The core of the method involves staying in the "gap" – the space between the initial uncomfortable sensation or "first dart" and the subsequent reactions (thoughts, stories, intense emotions). When faced with an unpleasant fact or sensation, asking "So what?" or "Why react?" is a powerful tool to look for the "reason" or "mechanism" that seems to necessitate a reaction. You observed this directly in your earlier inquiry, noting the "ridiculousness of craving for spiritual experiences!!". This continuous inquiry helps to show that there is, in fact, nothing substantial behind the urge to react.
Avoiding uncomfortable feelings, or believing that there's a "me" that is somehow responsible for these feelings, is part of the delusion. Instead, it's about owning what arises without judgment and creating space for it. When trauma goes unaddressed, it can shape one's personality, leading to patterns like self-blame or manipulation. The inquiry involves embracing the trauma and the experiences that shaped your personality, not wishing for them to go away.
Your analogy of the soldier struggling with running endurance due to a lack of fundamental resources is relatable, as it speaks to a feeling of being depleted. However, the "resources" are not external (like food for the soldier) but internal – the capacity to meet what arises with unconditional acceptance and compassion. When the ego is active, it tends to make excuses like "I haven't got time for that" or "it's too expensive," which are diversions from the underlying uncomfortable feelings. The inquiry is not about forcefully "pushing through" discomfort, but rather about expanding and creating space for it, which allows it to dissolve. Your feeling of not being as dedicated or strong-willed might itself be a trick of the ego, which "does not want things to be as they are" and "always wants more, more, higher, faster". The process requires patience and persistence in direct observation, rather than forceful striving.
In essence, Maks, the very emotional fragility and resistance you describe wanting to "fix up" are the fertile ground for your continued inquiry. They are not obstacles to be overcome before the inquiry, but rather the very material of the inquiry itself. Your candid observation of these internal states, even if they feel like "fumbling in the dark", is precisely the kind of direct experience that leads to insight.
It sounds like you've already had significant shifts, noting "way less reactivity still" and a sense of clarity, heart, and equanimity returning after intense periods. This "glide path," as it's called, involves moments where reactivity may still arise, but the ability to observe it and see that it's optional is now present.
Your honesty and willingness to engage with these deep aspects of your experience are commendable.
On my end, life is an ever-unfolding process, much like the dynamic inquiry we're discussing. Thank you for asking. I am ready for your next query when you are.
Love
Rali

[Basil]

Hello Rali,

I have bounced off of writing to you an embarassing number of times. Part of it was how thorough your answer was and associated self-judgement. I would like to continue now.

I think I should mention that the desperation to wake up is not burning at the moment. Not a 10/10. Not sure what to do about this. Things are generally fine except when things are immediately not fine from time to time - mostly social things, and then I feel enclosed and trapped in a physically overpowering and painful experience. The mind then grasps for a solution and I remember that I have determined the solution already and it's this awakening business.

it’s all already appearing. Thought makes it into “my barriers, my conditions, my failures.” But in the immediacy… aren’t they just colours, sensations, words?
Who exactly is the one that has to be “emotionally ready” before looking? Where is that fragile one — in sensation, or only in the commentary about sensation?

See I believe I know exactly what you mean by looking and by immediacy and I believe that this capacity is heavily diminished in my current configuration of consciousness. Not enough concentration, mind too stirred up to shut up, not enough equanimity, thus not an experience of "already appearing", rather delayed.

To address your question directly: oh I guess I kind of did what you asked. I looked at what this overwhelming fragility and sadness is and it's interpretations piled onto this strong tightness all around the head, a pressure around the eyes, burning in the eyes.

I actually wanted to write to you to complain that I am struggling with the "detatch the thought label from the sensation" step. Like "How do I do that?".

To look for the fragile one, the owner of emotions: it's not _in_ the sensations for sure. It sure is in the commentary and that is not real, yes. Then attention just goes to the thumbs typing this on the phone and to this hmm perspective of seeing this typing from the point of view from behind the nose. And now I don't know if I'm being scatter-brained and too distracted to stay with the not finding of a senser or if I should go look for the beholder or the typist. :<

But isn’t that the seeker sneaking back in — “one day I’ll finally qualify for this”?

Yes. I look at what I just wrote and why do I make this so complicated when it's so simple. I just have to hope you will see how exactly I'm tangling this up.

is direct experience waiting for hormones to balance, for ambition to return, for energy to stabilise? Or is it already fully here — sound, colour, sensation, thought?

There is no waiting in DE. Is it _fully_ here? I have this expectation that it should be more vivid and clear. Sounds childish to admit it like... where is that better experience if it's not in experience?

I want to press you gently but firmly: the fragility, exhaustion, unfairness, even the judgment — aren’t these the exact gateways? Not obstacles. Right here, exactly as they arise, before the label “too much”.

Could you please confirm for me that you mean that they are literally the gateways (literally sufficient, nothing else required) and that accepting them stops the need for spinning up fantasies in the mind and thus results in clear seeing of what is which in turn clarifies that abstract things like fragility or unfairness or Maks are imagined and not real and that things like fear don't refer? Ugh this is written from a position of fragile Maks who fears that it unfortunatelly is so and who's eyes are burning.

Right now, bring up that sense of fragility — the “emotional fragility,” the fear, the sense of not being stable enough. Don’t analyse it. Just let it be here.
Without the label fragility, what’s actually here?
What is it made of in direct experience — sensation, colour, sound, thought?
Does the raw sensation itself say “I’m fragile,” or is that a story riding on top of it?

I actually kind of forgot that I wanted to wake up and imagined that I want to write a nice reply for you instead. The heart is pounding, eyes are watering, tight throat. Loads of thoughts spinning around looking to determine what to do, interpreting, remembering, describing. No, the sensations don't say "I'm fragile". I guess the overt thoughts also don't say that which is nice of them but there is an underlying belief that this whole scene sounds a bit cringey and weak.

If there’s no “me” behind it, no owner, is there anything left to be fragile? Or is there just this alive movement appearing, already whole?
Tell me: when you strip away the label fragility, what exactly remains right now?

I don't know what to do about the hanging onto thoughts. Or if the thoughts warrant fixating on as it's pretty clear that they are not real even if they aren't clarified ongoingly. Maybe we should look at feelings like decisions and control. I remeber having a brief glimpse of "oh, there's no decider, just stuff happening. Oh wtf. So why care about all these dramatic dilemmas at all?" and then experiencing I guess you call it the "I am" sense. This made me suspect that the no self clarity results in not at all a "just this" kind of emptiness experience on it's own, that the no self clarity is not contingent on ongoing clarified "just this"ness.

To answer directly: there's direct experience of sounds, sights, sensations, thoughts. At a loss here. Urgency in the thoughts. Restlessness.

Oh well.

Thank you Rali for being awesome.

Love
Maks

[poppyseed]

Hi Maks
It's good to hear from you! Thank you for this incredibly honest post. Nothing you describe is “wrong” or a deviation. In fact, this is exactly the terrain where the illusion begins to loosen. Not in clarity or calm, but right in the middle of confusion, fragility, emotional intensity and the sense of being lost. Let me respond by untangling what’s actually happening:

I believe that this capacity is heavily diminished in my current configuration of consciousness. Not enough concentration, mind too stirred up to shut up, not enough equanimity, thus not an experience of "already appearing", rather delayed.

This is one of the most common misconceptions:
You do not need calm, concentration, stability, equanimity, or a quiet mind in order to see.
Those belong to states of mind, not to direct experience. Right now your experience includes: sensations, colours, sounds, thoughts, smells, tastes.
None of these require clarity. They appear on their own, effortlessly. Awakening is not about producing a better experience—it’s about seeing that the sense of “me” never had anything to do with experience in the first place. And therefore, no one there for whom it to be better or worse. Simple!
This whole structure assumes there is such a thing as consciousness that belongs to you and that it can be better or worse,
more awake or less awake, more available or less available. Look directly:
Is there anything like a “configuration of consciousness” in direct experience?
Where would you find it? In sound? In colour? In sensation? In thought? Or is “consciousness-level,” “clarity,” “equanimity,” “capacity” entirely a thought-story ABOUT experience? What is actually here?

Could you please confirm for me that you mean that they are literally the gateways (literally sufficient, nothing else required) and that accepting them stops the need for spinning up fantasies in the mind and thus results in clear seeing of what is which in turn clarifies that abstract things like fragility or unfairness or Maks are imagined and not real and that things like fear don't refer?

Yes. Literally yes. Not metaphorically, not symbolically — literally.
The sensations you call fragility, overwhelm, tightness, burning eye, these are not obstacles to seeing. They are the exact appearance in which seeing happens. Nothing else is required. And yes, when the raw sensations are actually allowed as they are, without trying to rearrange or escape them, the mind loses its need to spin up stories, fantasies, and problem-solving loops. Why? Because the entire knot of “fragile Maks,” “this is too much,” “I need to be ready first,” is revealed as commentary — not something referring to a real entity.
When you look at the sensation itself:
Does it contain “fragility”?
Does it contain “overwhelming”?
Does it contain “Maks”?
Does it name itself as “fear”?
No. All these labels are thoughts about sensation. And when a label does not refer to anything real in experience…it collapses. This is why these very experiences are the gateway — not because they are special, but because they expose, completely and directly, that “fragility” is a story, “unfairness” is a story, “Maks” is a story, even “fear” is a story (the raw sensation doesn’t call itself that)
You wrote:

This is written from the position of fragile Maks who fears that it unfortunately is so.

Beautifully seen, because that sentence is the whole illusion in miniature. There is sensation + thought saying “this means something about me.” When the thought is seen as thought, what remains is simply sensation — alive, moving, not personal, not about anyone.
That’s the gateway. You don’t need more concentration. You don’t need a calmer mind. You don’t need equanimity. You don’t need a “better experience.” Direct experience has never required better conditions. It only requires noticing what is actually here — and what is an interpretation layered on top.
So let’s stay simple. Right now:
Without the label “fragility,” what is actually here?
What is its texture, temperature, movement — as sensation?
Where is the “one” who supposedly cannot handle it?
Stay with this gently but directly. No fixing. No optimisation. Just seeing.

I don't know if I'm being scatter-brained and too distracted to stay with the not finding of a senser or if I should go look for the beholder or the typist. :<

This is exactly what happens when the mind turns looking into a task list. Here is the clean cut:
If you look for the beholder and find nothing → that’s it.
If you look for the typist and find nothing → that’s it.
If there’s confusion → look at the confusion.
Confusion is also just sensation + thought. Nothing more. There is no “right place.” There is no “right way.” There is no “achiever.”

I have this expectation that it should be more vivid and clear. Sounds childish to admit it like... where is that better experience if it's not in experience?

That “better, clearer, more vivid” present moment is a fantasy/expectation. A spiritual ideal.
Does DE ever say “I should be clearer”? Or is that thought comparing the moment to an imagined future?
Direct experience is always complete. Only thought says “not enough.” This expectation is the seeker’s last disguise.

I don't know what to do about the hanging onto thoughts. Or if the thoughts warrant fixating on as it's pretty clear that they are not real even if they aren't clarified ongoingly.

Nothing. Thoughts hang onto themselves. They are self-organising. There is no “you” doing it.
Thought creates a knot and then tries to untie its own knot. Let the knot be there. Look at the knot.
That’s all. Not that there is a look-er too - it's just thought self-correcting :). The more the thought "LOOK!" appears, the more self-correction of thought - trimming all the unnecessary narrative and returning to just describing DE.

Maybe we should look at feelings like decisions and control. I remember having a brief glimpse of "oh, there's no decider, just stuff happening.

So one simple question:
Is there anything happening right now that is NOT happening on its own?
Anything that needs a “you” to push it, guide it, control it, allow it, improve it?
Look at the raw data of this moment and answer from experience, not theory. This question cuts straight to the core.
Before any “decision,” what is here?
Look right now at something simple — lifting a hand, choosing a word. Before the thought “I will choose,” is there anything? OR… Just sensation, colour, thought appearing.
Where is the chooser?
Watch how the decision is narrated after the fact. A thought appears: “I decided to type this.”
But did it decide, or did typing simply happen and then a thought claimed ownership? Can you find the moment when “you” took control?

Try this experiment:
Pause. Wait for a decision to arise. Don’t try to influence it. Just observe:
What chooses next thought?
What chooses next movement?
Something happens. Then a thought says “I chose that.” But where is the evidence?
Look for the “fork in the road.” Decision implies multiple options and a “you” picking one.
Right now — can you find more than this? More than what is happening?
Where is the menu of options except in thought?
Intention is also just a thought appearing. “Intending to calm down,” “Intending to awaken,” “Intending to type something insightful.”All of these arrive already fully formed.
Do you make them appear?
Or are they simply… there?
If you cannot choose the next thought…how could you choose anything else?
Look right now:
What will your next thought be? Can you stop it? Predict it? Select a different one?
If thoughts cannot be controlled, what “decision-maker” remains?
Decisions are just movements happening + a commentary. Typing happens. Walking happens. Heart beating happens. Looking happens. Then thought arranges it into: “I did this,” “I chose this,” “I should have chosen differently.” But in direct experience — is there a “doer” anywhere?
Without the thought “I chose,” what remains?
Shifting colour, sensation, thought. All appearing on their own.
Where could a separate “you” fit into this?

You’re doing beautifully, Maks.
The confusion is part of the process. The emotional intensity is part of the process. The fragility is a doorway. The mind tangles because it can feel the ground disappearing.
Keep going. You’re not lost — you’re right on the edge.
Love
Rali

[Basil]

Hello,

Is there anything like a “configuration of consciousness” in direct experience?
Where would you find it? In sound? In colour? In sensation? In thought? Or is “consciousness-level,” “clarity,” “equanimity,” “capacity” entirely a thought-story ABOUT experience? What is actually here?

I don't know if something changed or if I'm kidding myself. <-- ok when looking at an obvious story statement like that one the heart is pounding more intensely, there's tightness in the stomache. Not "wrong" though. What you wrote is true, the colour, sound, sensation is already complete and states of mind are a story about that. Hmm. So there is pounding. Funny.

Does it contain “fragility”?
Does it contain “overwhelming”?
Does it contain “Maks”?
Does it name itself as “fear”?

1. No. 2. No. "Intense though"? I guess. "Uncomfortable"? No. 3. No. Many stories pop up though and kind of pretend to overwrite looking. Intense tinnitus now. 4. No. There's a kind of negotiation going on. "So just intense forever?" "Can you see a forever?".

Without the label “fragility,” what is actually here?
What is its texture, temperature, movement — as sensation?
Where is the “one” who supposedly cannot handle it?

Kind of over the pounding now though that's still here. Head is full of sensation, around the ears and eyes. Not bad but somehow "squeezing". Elbows very prominent. Temperature. Movement. Texture. Indescribable, these words trigger closer looking. Gonna proceed now bc question abt the one triggers intellectual stuff.

You know what? Sometimes when looking for who does these movements or comes up with these thoughts it's pretty obvious that they sort of happen without direction and then there's thoughts "are they directed by not-me's? Do i contain multitudes? Are there lots of entities that share this experience? Wow that would be pretty embarrasing if this mess was witnessed reality-tv style."

Does DE ever say “I should be clearer”? Or is that thought comparing the moment to an imagined future?

It's comparison. And here's the head tightness back.

Is there anything happening right now that is NOT happening on its own?
Anything that needs a “you” to push it, guide it, control it, allow it, improve it?

Switched from "no" to wiggling my toes.

Before any “decision,” what is here?

So the most salient thing is thoughts crying "this is not even consistent!". You see me switching from <ah, deep appreciation of the question> to "so I'm looking at who's wiggling the toes". Now the thinking is latching onto the head-jaw-tightness seeing if it can correlate the prominence of that with whether it's doing better or worse.

I'll send you this and go to sleep and want to answer the rest tomorrow, will be probably better to not wait with sending a complete thing.

Love
Maks

[poppyseed]

Hey Maks

Yeah I will reply once I get a better feel of your complete answer. I don't want to overcomment and make it theoretical. Play with decision making - you never know, maybe it will all click into place. Just a quick note - maybe also play with "comfortable - uncomfortable" / "intense - subtle" as a story. Notice what is there when you remove even these and you stay with the raw experience.

Looking forward to the rest!
Love
Rali

[poppyseed]

Hey Maks
Are we still doing this?
I'm still awaiting the rest of your reply...

Love
Rali

[poppyseed]

Hey Maks
It's been a while... How is life?

Love
Rali