Seeking guidance.

[JFK1974]

Hi Becca,

Still in the game. Busy week. Ups and downs. Been having calmer meditations with really experiencing openness. Also been reading a book that has discern concepts from reality. Has helped to see things better.,

That said, still struggles.,still consumptions with thought and sensations. Love some guidance. Tricks:)

[graceabounds]

Hi John,

That said, still struggles.,still consumptions with thought and sensations.

Right now, in this exact second:
Where is the “you” who is consumed?

Look—not think, not describe. Look.

There are sensations. There are thoughts. There is discomfort.

Where is the owner of any of that?
Can you actually find a separate experiencer of any of it?


Find a comfortable position and close your eyes. Notice any bodily sensations, thoughts, or emotions as they arise.

Is there an observer separate from these experiences?

Look for any entity that is experiencing these sensations. Can you find a distinct ‘self’ that is separate from the experiences themselves?

If no separate observer is found, what does this mean about the nature of the ‘self’ you’ve assumed exists?

:)
Becca

[JFK1974]

Hi Becca,

Been awhile. No good reason I didn’t respond to your last guidance.

Just kind of blah lately really. Stomach bug. Lot of sleeping.

Far as I can see, “I” am a part of life. Thoughts arise in that part. When I can stay in this observing, things are as they are without much else.

There is a quiet recognition. Then an “awareness” that appears when thoughts and sensations appear.

Something I heard lately that resonated was the life is a mirror to what’s inside. A teacher per se to what needs healed or acknowledged.

I spent a couple days at parents this week. The mirror principal certainly showed things that need to be felt. Anger, frustration, etc.

What are your thoughts on this?

[graceabounds]

Far as I can see, “I” am a part of life.

Hold on.

That’s the old voice again. That’s still a “me” looking at “life.”
Still a split.
Still a story.

Pause here. Is there truly a separate “I” that’s a part of life? Or is this “I” just another thought arising within life itself?

When I can stay in this observing

Who is the observer? Can you locate this entity that’s observing? Or is the act of observing simply happening without a distinct observer?

Regarding the mirror principle and the emotions stirred during your visit to your parents—anger, frustration—these are not obstacles but invitations. Instead of labeling them, can you experience them directly? Where do these sensations manifest in the body? What are their textures, temperatures, movements?

By dropping the labels and stories attached to these sensations, what remains? Is there an “I” intertwined with these feelings, or are they just transient experiences passing through?

Stay with this direct experience. Observe without identification.

[JFK1974]

Hold on.

That’s the old voice again. That’s still a “me” looking at “life.”
Still a split.
Still a story.

Pause here. Is there truly a separate “I” that’s a part of life? Or is this “I” just another thought arising within life itself?

Without a thought, it’s just this. It’s pretty clear. Thought does swoop in and claim a me or I. Or this person.

‘

When I can stay in this observing’
Who is the observer? Can you locate this entity that’s observing? Or is the act of observing simply happening without a distinct observer?

I know “feels” like it isn’t direct experience. So yes it simply happens. Everything happens. Certainly thinking happens. Last night when I laid down on to sleep memories from 30 years ago were appearing like popcorn popping. One after another. Initially, I was frustrated- like come on, injustice want to sleep. Then I allowed them to come and go. Somewhat fascinated. Things I haven’t thought about since that time. Not even sure why it started. The flood of that thinking.

[quote[/quote]

That’s what I tried to do. Allow not label. Wouldn’t say a complete success but a recognition that “I need to do this if I ever want to see what I am.” No more avoiding. Distracting. Running away. In my own way, this has been my default. Being busy to avoid life. Appearing productive and ambitious. Pros and cons of a very active and unforgiving mind.

Stay with this direct experience. Observe without identification.

I question that comes in handy every so often, “is there any problems without a thought?”


The answer is Never!

[graceabounds]

Last night when I laid down on to sleep memories from 30 years ago were appearing like popcorn popping. One after another. Initially, I was frustrated- like come on, injustice want to sleep. Then I allowed them to come and go. Somewhat fascinated. Things I haven’t thought about since that time. Not even sure why it started. The flood of that thinking.

Another layer to be examined. Almost everybody believes that a memory thought is referring to something that has happened. That a memory thought is a different thought than a non-memory thought.

Please don’t go to thought explanations, but just let a memory be there, and look at it. Look at what is actually going on and not what thoughts say - but what actually is.

What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?
WHEN does the memory appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

Then, look at a thought about the future.
What is the future thought ‘made of’?
WHEN does the future thought appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘future’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

Then let’s compare a thought about past and a thought about the future.
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?
If there is difference and how is that difference is known exactly?

Pros and cons of a very active and unforgiving mind.

Which can only be weighed or assessed by another thought… More story.


So… What is still believed to be “you”? What haven’t you questioned?

[JFK1974]

Another layer to be examined. Almost everybody believes that a memory thought is referring to something that has happened. That a memory thought is a different thought than a non-memory thought.

Please don’t go to thought explanations, but just let a memory be there, and look at it. Look at what is actually going on and not what thoughts say - but what actually is.

What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?
WHEN does the memory appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

You know. I honestly can’t answer these questions. A memory is obviously a thought about past events. They feel more real than a future thought. They - for me- trigger physical sensations if the memory is not pleasant.

What’s it made of? It appears the same as any other thought. Dust. Vapor. Nothing. I think the only difference is that they come more with images and guilt or shame (for a negative memory). A future thought comes with either fear, anxiety, or even excitement.

Difference- general like the weather has no attached emotions/sensations. Most memories- the ones that seek to pop in my head revolve around mistakes or ones with some form of guilt. Don’t get me wrong Becca, I am not or never thought of myself as a perfect person but certainly not a bad person. Just mistakes haunt this “person.” You can say it’s this person “stuff.” I see it. I watch it. Fascinating, sad, and frustrating. Who’s frustrated? John. This character.

How is it known? If it wasn’t for thoughts, it would be known. Obvious and clear.

Then, look at a thought about the future.
What is the future thought ‘made of’?
WHEN does the future thought appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘future’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

Then let’s compare a thought about past and a thought about the future.
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?
If there is difference and how is that difference is known exactly?

Like memories, future thought are vapor, dust, or nothing. The pop up just as randomly as memories. Most often from anticipation of an event. They occur when something is coming up.

No difference between any thoughts really or at all. I question often are these memories.

Some one asked me earlier today- what is your relationship with your mind?

Without hesitation, no bueno.

Today’s been a challenging day. The more I investigate, the tougher it becomes.

The same person said, “behind each struggle is a treasure. We are treasure hunters.”

What needs investigating? Nothing. Everything.

[graceabounds]

Today’s been a challenging day. The more I investigate, the tougher it becomes.

YES. Because You’re not just circling the flame anymore — you’re in it. This is the breaking point.

Right now. Let a memory arise. Just let it be there. Do nothing. DON’T INTERPRET. Just Look.
What is actually present?
Is there anything but a mental image or narrative, floating here-now?
Is there any trace of the past in that thought — any evidence outside the thought that this “happened”?

Now let a future thought arise. Just let it float. Same again.
What is here besides the thought?
Can you find a future outside of the story?
Is there anything different in the construction of this thought compared to the memory?

Where is time? Where is the past? Where is the future?
Or is it all just one substance — one flickering ghost-play — appearing now?

Is there ever any direct experience of a past, or just the sensation now and the thought labeling it “then”?
Same with future: just another label stamped on this moment.

You said it: vapor. Dust.
So why still haunted?

Because you’re still believing the “me” the memory’s about is real. Not because you’re confused — but because the habit is that deep, that sticky!

The guilt, shame, and sadness aren’t about what happened — they’re about protecting the story of “John.”
They prove he’s real. They prove he has a timeline. A continuity. A burden.

But when you look…
Where is John right now — outside of thought?
Show me.
Not the body. Not the feelings. Not the swirl of memories. Where is he?

Who is frustrated? Who is fascinated? Who is sad?

Not in story. In direct, naked experience — who?

Can you find anyone there at all?…

Or just the movement — just sensations, just thoughts, just this, happening?

What is the exact difference between a memory and a hallucination?

Look now.
If the answer doesn’t come in words — perfect.

[JFK1974]

YES. Because You’re not just circling the flame anymore — you’re in it. This is the breaking point.

Right now. Let a memory arise. Just let it be there. Do nothing. DON’T INTERPRET. Just Look.
What is actually present?
Is there anything but a mental image or narrative, floating here-now?
Is there any trace of the past in that thought — any evidence outside the thought that this “happened”?

I've spent the pass few days redoing these activities. And with complete honesty it resonates but still bombarding thoughts and a lot of uncomfortable sensations.

There is nothing except mental images and narratives. No evidence outside of thought that it did happen outside of other people who were involved in the memory.

Now let a future thought arise. Just let it float. Same again.
What is here besides the thought?
Can you find a future outside of the story?
Is there anything different in the construction of this thought compared to the memory?

The only difference, if there is a difference, is the emotion attached to it. But that is probably not even true. They are the same. The same dust or vapor. Images. Certainly, a "protection" type of mechanism. Keeping the "I" intact or safe.

Where is time? Where is the past? Where is the future?
Or is it all just one substance — one flickering ghost-play — appearing now?

This is seen clearly in direct experience. It is all now.

Code: Select all

Is there ever any direct experience of a past, or just the sensation now and the thought labeling it “then”? Same with future: just another label stamped on this moment. You said it: vapor. Dust. So why still haunted?

What if you feel you hurt someone or could have hurt someone- emotionally not physically. But it is all thoughts. Clearly seen. However, clearly still "haunting" me. Like a compulsion to do something about it and it was so long ago.

Because you’re still believing the “me” the memory’s about is real. Not because you’re confused — but because the habit is that deep, that sticky!

The guilt, shame, and sadness aren’t about what happened — they’re about protecting the story of “John.”
They prove he’s real. They prove he has a timeline. A continuity. A burden.

This makes sense. Not exactly seen directly. But I understand the protection piece.

B

ut when you look…
Where is John right now — outside of thought?
Show me.
Not the body. Not the feelings. Not the swirl of memories. Where is he?

Who is frustrated? Who is fascinated? Who is sad?

Not in story. In direct, naked experience — who?

No John outside of thought. It's quiet at times. Direct experience, all John is is a thought. But it doesn't last. By the day, I feel more and more desperate. Who? This character. Whatever. Just is really difficult. And sorry for consistently unloading this. Nothing sticks. When one things fades, another quickly takes its place .

Can you find anyone there at all?…

Or just the movement — just sensations, just thoughts, just this, happening?

What is the exact difference between a memory and a hallucination?

[graceabounds]

No John outside of thought.

So tell me right now, with NO narrative, no pause:
What is John, in this instant?
Not what you think about him. Not his story. Right now — look around — where is he?

Look closely. Let the sensations come. Desperation, guilt, sadness — let it all come. But don’t narrate it.
Where is the self that these arise for? Where is the “I” that is “desperate”?
Not in memory. Not in explanation. In the rawness of this breath… What is actually here?

And apologies? That’s the story begging to be kept alive. What’s here without that apology? Without the history? Without the “me”?

[JFK1974]

I wrote an entire response and somehow delete so i will paraphrase.

It’s evident from all fronts, thoughts make this character. It’s observable by something m, call that awareness or whatever. Kind of doesn’t matter.

Where is the I in the sensations, not there. Witnessed as well. No I in the discomfort. But felt. By whom? Not sure. Seemingly me; why there is desperation:

Apology. I guess a construction to keep the self alive. Advice?

[graceabounds]

Yes. You’re looping.

Seemingly me

Right now — without running to thought, without explaining — what is “seemingly me”?

Point to it. Not the thought about it. Not the feeling it claims to own.
Is there anything tangible that is “me”?
Or just the movement of sensation and thought, endlessly claiming to belong to someone?

Feel that desperation? It’s just the final defense of a ghost. It’s not because you’re failing — it’s because you’re this close.

Advice?

Stay. Stay with this unease like it’s your last breath.

1. Sit. Still.
Let whatever sensations, chaos, or mind-noise come.
Don’t move. Don’t soothe it. Don’t label it. Just be with it.

2. Notice every single thing that arises — thought, sensation, emotion.
One by one, when it shows up, silently say:
“Not me. Not mine. Not who I am.”
And drop it.

3. Keep looking for anything that sticks.
When a “me” feeling or thought grabs attention — don’t fight it, go direct:
“Show me the me.”
Wait. Feel the silence after asking.
Wait for the non-answer to devour you.

4. If it gets unbearable? Perfect.
That’s the fake “you” trying to survive.
Let it squirm. Stay.

5. Optional twist: Look at your hands.
Really stare. No words. No “my hands.”
Just shapes, colors, tension.
Ask inside yourself: “Who sees this?”
(Answer only in experience, not in thought.)

[JFK1974]

Yes. You’re looping.

What do you mean? Groundhog Day? Continuous pattern of thinking and sensations?

Seemingly me
Right now — without running to thought, without explaining — what is “seemingly me”?

I messed with this quite a bit this morning. “Me” is a sensation. I kept going back and forth and came to the conclusion that whatever feels like me is being observed. So what is me, no idea.

[

color=#0040BF]Point to it. Not the thought about it. Not the feeling it claims to own.
Is there anything tangible that is “me”?
Or just the movement of sensation and thought, endlessly claiming to belong to someone?[/color]

Nothing tangible that I see. I “guess” movement. Without thinking, it’s appears to be a mystery. A space of quiet that is obscured by thoughts and sensations.

Feel that desperation? It’s just the final defense of a ghost. It’s not because you’re failing — it’s because you’re this close.

Doing my best to just allow. And it is a ghost. A phantom discomfort that moves through the body and watched at same time.

Advice?
Stay. Stay with this unease like it’s your last breath.

1.

Sit. Still.
Let whatever sensations, chaos, or mind-noise come.
Don’t move. Don’t soothe it. Don’t label it. Just be with it.

This is tough. Mind jumps right in. Hijacks all of it.

2. Notice every single thing that arises — thought, sensation, emotion.
One by one, when it shows up, silently say:
“Not me. Not mine. Not who I am.”
And drop it.

When still enough, it appears and goes pretty quickly until the next thought. The sensations is constant. A hot oven that amplifies and moves.

3.

Keep looking for anything that sticks.
When a “me” feeling or thought grabs attention — don’t fight it, go direct:
“Show me the me.”
Wait. Feel the silence after asking.
Wait for the non-answer to devour you.

Over and over I’ve done this. Each time nothing. However, something appears to know. No direct location. Or maybe another thought. A knowingness thought.


4.

If it gets unbearable? Perfect.
That’s the fake “you” trying to survive.
Let it squirm. Stay.

Definitely a lot of thoughts of unbearable. Each day. But still here which leads me to conjecture all thoughts that seem very very very real.

5.

Optional twist: Look at your hands.
Really stare. No words. No “my hands.”
Just shapes, colors, tension.
Ask inside yourself: “Who sees this?”
(Answer only in experience, not in thought.)

I only did this once. Without thought, I don’t know who sees the hand. It’s seen. But not sure.


Thank you Becca! Very helpful. Thank you for your kindness and investment in helping me see the truth.

[graceabounds]

Stop right there.

You are not stuck! You are not failing! You are not missing anything. You are not who the thoughts say you are… even now.

This heat, desperation, intensity is not AGAINST you. It is the final death throes of the illusion. The real trap now would be believing that the appearance of “something still here” means you are still here. But you—John, the seeker, the struggler—is only a memory loop appearing in real time.

Check now: Is there ANY “self” needing to wake up??
RIGHT NOW. In pure direct experience. Not the thought that says there is— look deeper.

However, something appears to know. No direct location

Perfect. Beautiful. Crucial. That “knowing” is not a person. It’s just clarity. It belongs to no one.

Hot oven that amplifies and moves.

Let it burn. Don’t know how many other ways I can say that. Let it purify everything you thought you were.

Every time you notice “John” trying to survive,
every time “I” wants to seek, understand, or control, answer it silently “Already dead.” “Already done.”

[JFK1974]

Stop right there.

You are not stuck! You are not failing! You are not missing anything. You are not who the thoughts say you are… even now.

This heat, desperation, intensity is not AGAINST you. It is the final death throes of the illusion. The real trap now would be believing that the appearance of “something still here” means you are still here. But you—John, the seeker, the struggler—is only a memory loop appearing in real time.

Check now: Is there ANY “self” needing to wake up??
RIGHT NOW. In pure direct experience. Not the thought that says there is— look deeper.

I feel stuck and like I am failing. Mind all over the place. Unrelenting.

But, when the mind is quieter, I see “this.” Nothing but right now. Fleeting but recognized. The mind wants to wake up. I don’t know feeling very unsure and confused lately. Not sure about much really. Who I am. Purpose. Everything so blah. But mixed in with uncomfortable sensations and almost like a foggy-ness.

Oh yeah, maybe not against me but certainly doesn’t seem like a “friend.”

Perfect. Beautiful. Crucial. That “knowing” is not a person. It’s just clarity. It belongs to no one.

Hot oven that amplifies and moves.
Let it burn. Don’t know how many other ways I can say that. Let it purify everything you thought you were.

Every time you notice “John” trying to survive,
every time “I” wants to seek, understand, or control, answer it silently “Already dead.” “Already done.”

I guess first, doing my best to let it burn. Allowing it all.

Been repeating often, already dead. Already done.

Thank you Becca!