Read Jed's Trilogy; something resonates

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

What I am feeling now seems wired and chaos, don't like what the liberated people talked about themselves, such like Grasius, or the tongue so peaceful like u.

Am I really doing it right?

It seems just another up and down loop so far as my past 13 years.

It seems fall and fall and no things to catch up, I feel like a poor guy without any energy and protection and feel like an idiot, gonna be beaten down and dismember by the world and my inner disaster such as ambition and depression and sex-issue. I really dont know how to do and stay with it. So much pain and suffering. Will it last forever?

If it is as u said "ALWAYS SIMPLY THIS.", then why would the feeling being so strange and lasting till now.

In your word I'm feeling myself being just a vegetable and can do nothing only to bear what the outer push to me, can't make any progress to help myself better, to help life better.

[Magdalena]

Hey John,


Yes. This is what it looks like when the story starts to die.


Not peace. Not clarity. Not bliss.
But collapse.
Confusion.
No control.
No escape.
Just THIS.


You said:

It seems fall and fall and no things to catch up.

Good. Let it fall.
Let it all fall.
There is nothing to catch.


You want to know if you’re doing it right?

There is no right.

There’s no map. No path. No prize.

There’s just the ache, the burning, the not knowing.


And you ask:

Will it last forever?

Nothing lasts forever, John.
But you don’t get to decide when or how this ends.
There’s no one here to make it better.

The pain isn’t proof of failure.
The confusion isn’t a sign that you’re lost.

It’s just what’s happening—now.

And underneath all of that?

Look.

Is there a self being dismembered?


Or just a storm?
Just feelings?
Just thoughts?


Let the storm come.
Let the world crash down.


You can’t do anything anyway.
So stop trying.


Just sit.
Just breathe.
Just burn.


There’s no mistake here.


Only THIS.

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

Thank for ur patience, much love.

To be honestly, what I feel now, is just like when I read Jed or any other stuff, feeling astonished, enlighted, and then back to ordinary life all seems the same, that's which I called the up and down loop.

But when u said

Is there a self being dismembered?


Or just a storm?
Just feelings?
Just thoughts?

This time the intellectual understanding I cultivated those few days with u and I.C's book come to me,
I have a double feeling that for one part I look the understanding as another mantra like in the loop,
while for another part I know there is no entity "me", the word "me" just point to the body, feeling, thought complex, though I don't get it so deep in my heart. I think I have to see whether this strike is really that.

Thanks again for ur love and kind. Gonna be report back if anything shows up. Much love.

[Magdalena]

John,


You’re still dividing your life into “the moment I see” and “the moment I lose it.”


But look closely—what actually changes?


When you read, when you write to me, when you “feel enlightened”—what’s different?


More silence? Less fear? A bit of space?



Fine. But look again—did YOU/John create that shift?

Or did it just arise?

And when that space disappears—when the “ordinary life” returns, and the thoughts of suffering, ambition, sex, shame come flooding back—is there actually a “you” back in control?


Or is it still just this—a storm of thoughts, sensations, patterns, stories—moving on their own?


You think you’re flipping between two states:
Seeing and not seeing.


But what if nothing is flipping?


What if it’s all just this—still thoughts, still sensations, still the same play of experience—no matter what’s arising?


There is no special state.
There is no “deep in your heart” that needs to click.

Only the fantasy that something is missing.


Check again. LOOK.
Is anything really missing?


Or just a thought saying it should feel different?


Keep looking.
Not for the “strike”—but for what’s ALREADY here, beneath every mood, every wave, every loop.


You don’t need to get it.
You only need to stop running from WHAT IS.

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

When you read, when you write to me, when you “feel enlightened”—what’s different?


More silence? Less fear? A bit of space?

Exactly, though not calm enough, but I feel there is a closer and closer approach into the STATE, as u said.

Fine. But look again—did YOU/John create that shift?

Or did it just arise?

Actually not, as I mentioned before, I feel drifted accroding to the environment, whatever its "ordinary life" or reading books or talking and inverstigating with u.

And when that space disappears—when the “ordinary life” returns, and the thoughts of suffering, ambition, sex, shame come flooding back—is there actually a “you” back in control?


Or is it still just this—a storm of thoughts, sensations, patterns, stories—moving on their own?

No, not. But I don't want to be that way, the "lose control" and "not good enough" feeling hit me hard.
Though I know it is just story cumulated life long, I can't help feeling the diseaster, and I can't let it along and regard it as just story, I sill have a sense of "me", I still feel I am the guy in "I-movie".

But what if nothing is flipping?


What if it’s all just this—still thoughts, still sensations, still the same play of experience—no matter what’s arising?

Only the fantasy that something is missing.

Yes, I can sense that fantasy flowing inside my heart.

As I observe me in an alien perspective, actually there are just visible body, thus I can know intellectually that the story happens in thin air. But when I shift into myself, all the sudden all the samething come back.

Check again. LOOK.
Is anything really missing?


Or just a thought saying it should feel different?

I don't know I get it right or not. It is instead of something missing, actually it is the mind thinking something missing. But I can't get it through, the sense "there may be something" is not so strong as the old time, but still there.

I have pondered in the Santa example and Batman example, I now call them Imaginary-existence, it once can be unleashed easy, but as I drowning deeper and deeper in the "Self", I find myself can't really tell why Santa and Batman doesn't exist in what mean, it's like Carl Sagan's “the dragon in the garage”, I think I don't fully get it yet.

[Magdalena]

John,


You keep saying:

l can’t let it along… I still feel I am the guy in the "I-movie".

Good. Feel it. Let it ache.

You don’t need to get rid of the movie.

You just need to see it for what it is.


The thoughts say, “This is me.”

The emotions flood in.

The story kicks up: “I’m not there yet. I’m broken. I'm not good enough. I'm a disaster. I’m lost.”

And all that feels real.


Just like Batman can feel real in a movie.
Just like Santa felt real as a child.
But when you look now, can you find Batman?

No. You see he was imagined.
You believed in him, and the belief created an experience.


Same with “John.”


There is no need to understand why imagination works.

There is no dragon to catch. No trick to solve.


Just LOOK.

Right now—without referring to thoughts, without naming, without fixing anything — what’s here?


Typing? Breathing? Sounds? Smells? Just THIS?


Is there anywhere a self can be found — other than in the story about one?


It’s OK if the sense of “me” arises.
Let it arise.


Just don’t chase it.
Don’t fight it.
Just LOOK: what is it, exactly?


Not the label. Not the interpretation.

The raw experience.


There is no escape, John.

No enlightenment.

Just THIS.


And if JUST THIS were to continue — like THIS — until the day John’s body dies?

So be it.


No problem.

No solution.

No difference.


Whatever shows up — is what shows up.

It never meant anything.

It never needed to.

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

as u said,

Just like Batman can feel real in a movie.
Just like Santa felt real as a child.
But when you look now, can you find Batman?

No. You see he was imagined.
You believed in him, and the belief created an experience.


Same with “John.”

Yes, I remember when I was 13 years old or so, this is the first time I watched Japanese anime, and it is so well made, not like what I saw in China, and it create a story that an ordinary guy suddenly gain power and thus his life become totally different. I was once believe in that, hoping it may come to me.

I really don't how I let it along, it just like time passed and I gradually concentrated my attention into more ordinary issues, like study and working. But now as u mentioned now it is imaginary, I think inside my heart it is not over yet, cause the imagination is not being aside due to really LOOKING, but by distraction.

Just LOOK.

Right now—without referring to thoughts, without naming, without fixing anything — what’s here?


Typing? Breathing? Sounds? Smells? Just THIS?


Is there anywhere a self can be found — other than in the story about one?

Just LOOK: what is it, exactly?

As u said, when I have the thought "I", my state suddenly shift into the whole brunch of suffering and expectation, and I don't know how I came into this and where was I before.

And if JUST THIS were to continue — like THIS — until the day John’s body dies?

So be it.

It is hard to accept that in the begining, but now I feel I can accept that, all I want is to be clear.

Whatever shows up — is what shows up.

It never meant anything.

It never needed to.

Question here, if so, do people need to work hard to live a better life such as warm house and loving family? May I get it wrong? I think it has a appeal to just be cynicism, do nothing for all.

---

BTW, I have oberseved "I-story" in a more clear way——
More and more, I felt that I was in a state of non-stop, as if there was always an urge to hurry this and that. For example, when I eat, I know that I have to eat slowly so that I don't choke on it, so that I can appreciate the taste of the meal, but my body just can't stop eating quickly. Even sleeping, including the sex I mentioned, I seem to be distraction all the time in every event and can't calm down.

[Magdalena]

John,

It is hard to accept that in the beginning, but now I feel I can accept that, all I want is to be clear.

But listen: if you say “so be it” with clenched teeth, that’s not it.

Real “so be it” doesn’t feel good.

It rips through you.
It literally wrenches your guts.
It leaves nothing.
No peace.
No satisfaction.
No improvement.
Just THIS.


And even that — just happens.
You don’t make it happen.
You don’t practice surrender.


The story of “John” may continue until your last breath.
So what.

That’s not failure.
That’s just how it is.

There’s no requirement to feel peaceful, happy, fulfilled or satisfied.
There is no finish line of happiness.
That whole dream of “better” was the prison all along.

Do people need to work hard for a better life?

Work happens. Struggle happens.
Warm houses. Families. Loneliness. Divorce. Death. Joy. Sex. Regret.
It all happens – and so much more.


But there’s no you pulling the levers.
Let life do what life does.
Stop trying to aim it.


You say you feel constantly distracted, rushed, never at peace.
It is ALL good.
Feel that.
Breathe into the chaos.
Let it not settle.
Let it keep spinning.
No need to fix it. No need to slow it down.


Just watch.


Don’t look for clarity.
Just burn in the fog.
And notice: even the one who says “I want clarity” is a cloud drifting through.


There’s no one behind the urge.
No one inside the noise.
No one lost.
No one to find.

Just THIS.



One more thing, John: there’s no need to rush these replies.

Let what’s written here land.

Let it wreck you if it must.

You don’t need to respond quickly.

There’s nothing to figure out.

Just watch what happens.

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

It has been a long time since we last spoke. I don't know how to explain my situations. I feel like I haven't grown, only gained some intellectual insights and observations. So please allow me to briefly describe my current situation and some questions.

After our last conversation, I decided to be quiet for a while and truly feel the things in life. I stayed away from smoking and watching pornography. In the past month, there have been moments when I smoked, but I did not get lost in it, and during this month, I did not watch pornography or masturbate. I felt like an observer watching my life. At the same time, I tried to observe "myself" as just an idea in life, maintaining restraint in my mind. I also slowly began to see my inner stubbornness, the unwillingness to be behind others since childhood, and the hope for the problems cleared by spiritual growth.

But recently, I found that I still haven't truly seen the reality of being without self. I feel very unsuccessful, frustrated, and helpless. This sense of loss has slowly transformed into a kind of despair. I feel I have no energy, no strength, and I still sink into smoking and masturbation. I feel like I have no power to fight these issues, and I even see that my problems are rooted in this sense of powerlessness and helplessness, which destined me from the very beginning to fall into smoking and masturbation.

Take masturbation for example, this is also a way for me to observe and test whether I am observing reality as it is. I found that I fell into the logic of masturbation and could not control myself, starting from the moment I saw a woman's body and felt a sense of "how beautiful and sexy she is." This feeling would naturally develop into a desire for the feeling of "pleasure", which continued to grow until the so-called sexual techniques and actions were presented before me, and I was completely overwhelmed. Even though I was a bystander watching all this, I could not control myself from feeling the impact of sexuality, my body could not suppress itself. Even if I stopped, this impact could not diminish within a few days, and I felt that these images and thoughts would inevitably pop up in my daily life.

I logically analyse that this is the evolution of my thoughts from visual perceptions into 'person', then 'woman', then 'sexy woman', and finally into 'a woman with superb skills'. However, logical analysis has no effect; my ultimate reality is the feeling of this uncontrollable sexual impulse in my body, making it impossible for me to control or manage myself freely.

I feel that my life is filled with frustration to the point where I seem to have no energy to ask myself any questions that require deep thinking. I browse through our conversations, reflect on Ilona's books of dialogues, and look at Christiane Michelberger's How To See Through The Self-Illusion. But I just don't get anything.

Sometimes I even think that doing all these frustrating things that seem like failures, such as smoking casually and masturbating, is not who I am. If that's the case, should I allow such things to happen? Even without 'me', are such things right? Is it really possible for me to break free from these uncontrollable things that bring me negative feelings?

I think I might want to seek comfort; I don't know if the future can offer me a positive and beautiful life. It seems I have not found the right way to truly face the issue of 'selflessness'. I seem to just keep complaining, complaining, complaining. I'm exhausted.

I have learned how to see the non-self from an auditory perspective, because a person who only has ears and a brain cannot arrive at the conclusion of 'the ears hear sound' rationally, as they cannot see the existence of the ears at all. But it is merely a logical analysis,

Sry Magdalena, these post showing nothing, just sorrow, chaos and frustration. I really want to be in the middle of the ocean and think nothing more and just rest in peace. Could I really escape all those?

I am very worried that my foolish words have taken up your time and energy, but I feel like I am at my wit's end, please allow me, I feel that I can no longer bear this disgusting and fragile version of myself.

[Magdalena]

John,

All that is happening is THIS.
It doesn't care for your judgement or approval. You want something else. I cannot give it to you. Nobody can.
But your wanting something else is THIS too.
Chasing something that belongs with the dreams is THIS too.

So what?

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

I'm confused.

Is this a kind of letting things drift and getting by?
This is too crazy!
If I have uncontrollable anger and kill someone, although it happens, it is ultimately wrong. Can't we cultivate ourselves to avoid these things? Or how could we live together until now.

[Magdalena]

John,

I have no answers about right or wrong.

What i have seen is that it is impossible to cultivate what is considered right and suppress what is considered wrong. You have seen that too - your whole previous post says nothing but this very same thing.

Keep denying what you're seeing as long as you like or need to.

But will it change anything?

[JohnWhite]

Magdalena,

That's huge for me, I just like I'm becoming more chaotic. At some point I know what u said about right or wrong is just narrations and judgement by mind, but I truly don't know how to act after that, it kinda like shut me down wholly.
I'm feeling just being fxxked by that. Please forgive me for my words and I'm gonna think about that and calm my self down a little bit.

I know u are telling me something that I need to go through. Thanks, for u always willingness and kindness. I'll try and reply later.

[Magdalena]

John,

No one knows how to act.

And yet acting happens, regardless of the stories about right or wrong.

You've got so many ideas about what's good and what isn't, but do they change anything in the way you act? That's not what you're saying in this long post earlier today. So smoking etc. happens or it doesn't. Telling stories about it happens or it doesn't.

So what??

[JohnWhite]

Dear Megdalena,

Am I get it right that u mean the behaviors happen or not, and also my thoughts come up or not, are just happening right now, as all those were.

If so, whether I really make up mind to adjust ur behavior and the behavior really get changed are just happened or not. If it happens then it happens, no matter I like it or not? It's kinda like I do what I can do and the results may depends on God or something, but all I get is what here it is, right here right now?