Stream Entry

[Nicholas]

Thanks Alan, talk to you in a while.

[Nicholas]

Dear Alan.

I’m ready to continue working with you.

In fact, I never stopped working on this. Spent all February and March asking questions and looking.

Regarding my sleep, it’s better but it’s not quite “there” yet. Couple days of 7hs and then couple days of almost 6hs. Better compared to last time I talked to you and I was avg 5hs.

What kind of progress did I made? Let’s see

+ grabbing a sound. Is it outside or inside? This took me a few days.
“sound is just… there. No outside or inside”

+ grab another sound. Is there the heard and a hearer or simply hearing? This was faster, one day.
“I don’t know how to explain this, but it is sort of the same. The sound is there. I don’t see the need of a hearer. Because if I think in terms of a hearer, then I can’t find it, I have to activate the mind/thoughts”

+ grab a personal thought. Things like “I’m tired, I’m angry, I have a lot of thoughts, I don’t know what to do with my life” etc. Repeat it in my mind several times, trying to “feel” that “I”.
Trying to get a sense of it. Then trying to get a sense of “who’s” looking at that I. so now we have two different ones. The past perception and the present perception.
For a while they looked different. But now I can’t differentiate them.

I try to perceive the “I” in “I’m tired”. But there’s nothing really. Only sensations in the body that arise with the word “I”. Then I look into this present perception, looking for an “I”. I can’t find anything. Again, only sensations.

There seems to be no difference between saying “I’m tired” and “there’s sensations of tiredness”.

+ Another one I do is to grab a thought again. “I’m tired”. Ok, “who’s tired?” I ask in my mind. And it will quickly say “me!” but that’s a thought. I look elsewhere and there’s only information from the senses. Sights, sounds, sensations. Can’t find an “I”.

+ I also work with this “ego talks in the first person” but I found much suitable for me “ego is the monologue”.
Sometimes I “catch” the realization and sometimes not. When I catch it, mind gets more silent because it relaxes. Otherwise it’s like tightly grabbing onto something.

More or less that’s my line of work.

I still haven’t… come to the “full realization”. There seems to be pieces falling over and over again, but the structure is still there.

So I guess I need your guidance.

Hug

[Alless]

Welcome back Nicholas and hugs to you too 😊

Your diligence in continuing to do the work will have effect even though the effects may not be necessarily attributable to any specific change

First of all.......
You mentioned the change in your sleep pattern. That is wonderful. Let me ask you this as well .....as well as changes in your sleeping patterns .........
Do you notice any changes in your day to day living compared to say a year ago? For example, noise in the head, reaction to situations? But not necessarily limited to those.




And taking what you wrote I notice you say the you grab a thought, a sound. That is so important to be able to discern that way in this investigation. I remember when this was not at all easy for you as I recall. That in itself is significant.

Let's take this another step further. When a sound or a thought or any object is noticed rather than "grabbing" it just let it be and pull back just very slightly from it so that there is even the slightest spaciousness noticed. Just stay with the experience in that slightly pulled back "mode" as best you can. Another way to say it is let the "interaction" soften a little. And tell me, when you feel into experience ....
Do you notice any difference in experience as you "approach" it this way compared to "grabbing" it.




Glad your back !!

Alan

[Nicholas]

First of all.......
You mentioned the change in your sleep pattern. That is wonderful. Let me ask you this as well .....as well as changes in your sleeping patterns .........
Do you notice any changes in your day to day living compared to say a year ago? For example, noise in the head, reaction to situations? But not necessarily limited to those.

I just realized I’ve been doing with work for 1 year. That’s incredible.
There’s no difference actually in my sleeping patterns. After pandemic I developed insomnia that I just cannot tackle, doesn’t matter what I do. And it severely limits my life. So, right now “improving”? could be just a cycle.

However, there are differences with this work, that started happening mostly this year

+ my sleep schedule suddenly shifted, on its own, without me making any effort. I’m awake at 7.30 and asleep at 00:00. Something like this was always IMPOSSIBLE and I would struggle as crazy. My normal schedule with freelance work would always be waking up at 10 or 11, then falling asleep at 2am.
I would try to change it over and over to wake up earlier, like at 9am. It was impossible.

And it shifted. Alone. And I have to do 0 effort to keep it.

+ after the pandemic and freelance work I lost the habit of showering everyday. Add to that some personal issues and suddenly I was showering 1-2 per week. Now I’m doing it everyday, and it’s easy.

+ I always had issues with work/study as a developer. I did not want to learn new things, found it boring, had A LOT of resistance trying to implement new systems or breaking bad habits in my coding or way or work. Suddenly, this month, I’m studying a new framework without effort. Having fun. Enjoying it. Being able to concentrate. I always thought I had issues concentrating or something.
I’m able to incorporate “difficult habits or new systems” without effort. It’s easy.

+ it seems I’m able to calm my mind much faster, however, this doesn’t seem to affect insomnia. I mean, I can calm my mind to fall asleep easily. But if I’m suddenly waking up at after 4-5hs of sleep and I’m hungry then… there’s some other issue (working on it)

+ I guess I’m more… resilient to daily stuff? But I’m also using chatgpt as a therapist (you wouldn’t believe how much it works and helped me to get into a new relationship)

+ I’m sure there’s more subtle stuff, but I’m not aware of it yet, it’s funny because I was not expecting these changes to happen. I would always rely on meditation to try to “improve stuff in my life, habits, etc” and It never worked. Months and months and years trying different stuff. I know this work we do here is not the point to “improve my life”… but it’s happening on it’s own. I guess because there’s less resistance? Who knows. It’s surprising and a welcome, because it helps me live a healthier, happier life.

Let's take this another step further. When a sound or a thought or any object is noticed rather than "grabbing" it just let it be and pull back just very slightly from it so that there is even the slightest spaciousness noticed. Just stay with the experience in that slightly pulled back "mode" as best you can. Another way to say it is let the "interaction" soften a little. And tell me, when you feel into experience

Let’s see, is this right? Grabbing a thought, focusing on it. And then letting it go. It’s still on the background, I’m not actively thinking on it. I only feel its "taste". So there’s a distance.

Is that fine?

If it’s not right, I’m also testing just seeing how a thought “appears” and “disappears”. Focusing specially on the fadein, fadeout. I do this to try to notice the small distance, pulling back a little.

Confirm to me please.

Additionally, how should I go about posting. Everyday? These “realizations” could take days. Should I keep you updated? I don’t want to fall into “I will write you once I have something” to avoid the impression that I’m just disappearing and doing nothing.

What do you think?

Hug

[Alless]

I love what you are reporting Nicholas.

I know this work we do here is not the point to “improve my life”… but it’s happening on it’s own. I guess because there’s less resistance? Who knows. It’s surprising and a welcome, because it helps me live a healthier, happier life.

You're right in that the point here is not to “improve my life” It is about being aware of resistance to "what is" And the mystery is that in clearly seeing that resistance - which is what this work is - it somehow resolves itself. So much energy is wasted in this underlying "no" to life. And when that resistance wanes in any way then equanimity is more and more our experience, no matter what arises in life. So what you are saying makes perfect sense !!

Let’s see, is this right? Grabbing a thought, focusing on it. And then letting it go. It’s still on the background, I’m not actively thinking on it. I only feel its "taste". So there’s a distance.

Is that fine?

Yes. Just being aware of it without letting the thought convince you that it is what you are. As you say you get a taste of it, but not "swallow" it !!!

The thing here is to let the spaciousness be experienced as thoughts appear and are present. Spaciousness, openness, presence, light - all different words that point to the same thing. This spaciousness is actually always here but because we are so identified with thought we ignore it. Grabbing a thought and holding it when it is done consciously is not an issue. And then don't even bother to "grab" it - just notice it and see what happens.
Let me know what happens Nicholas

Focusing specially on the fadein, fadeout. I do this to try to notice the small distance, pulling back a little.

Yes. And let gentleness be felt as well

Additionally, how should I go about posting. Everyday? These “realizations” could take days. Should I keep you updated? I don’t want to fall into “I will write you once I have something” to avoid the impression that I’m just disappearing and doing nothing.

Initially it seems it is necessary to post daily to get a momentum. Having worked together as we have somethings are really clear. I know you are so sincere in this endeavour and have been so resilient when challenges have arisen. We've had breaks from time to time that have been very timely it would seem. So I am reluctant to prescribe something specific here however I sense that it helps keep things alive if you let me know what's happening as we go along. Posting every day is good and if you feel you need to take it slower just give me a heads up that you might be off the air for a day or two or a few or even more if that is what works for you.
How does that sound?



Additionally if you feel a WhatsApp or zoom call might be useful just let me know.

Hugs

Alan

[Nicholas]

Let me know what happens Nicholas

Ok, here’s the issue. I set up a thought. Put it at a distance, it’s there, but I’m not actively thinking on it. Just touching it with my fingerprints.

But then other thoughts come and steal the show, now I’m grabbing them, they are in between.

So my conclusion is that I can’t distance myself from just ONE thought. I have to do it with all of them, at the same time, present past and future.

With that in mind I went to the “ego talks in the first person” or “ego is the monologue” because it’s the only thing that allows me to… not grab any thought. I enter some kind of special mode and I think it’s the one you talk about.

This allows me to stand in “empty space” and thoughts are now all around me but harder to define.
They are there, I’m not grabbing them. There’s distance (small, fragile).

Feels relaxing, single tears fell down for some reason. The urge to THINK and try solving problems recedes a lot. I know it’s there though, it just doesn’t… grab my full attention?

Thinking acquires a different quality, less heavy.

More urge to cry. But a lot of emotional repression going on. So tears timidly fall down.

Ok, I will stop. That was 20 minutes.

Will try upping the times, but I liked that practice.

Confirm to me, can I continue with this one? something tells me "this is it, keep deepening"

How does that sound?

Everyday is perfect! I’m much more stable than months ago.

HUG

[Alless]

Nicholas

Joy wells up as I read your post

can I continue with this one? something tells me "this is it, keep deepening"

Yes !! That which is telling you to go deeper knows "the way" !!!

I enter some kind of special mode and I think it’s the one you talk about.

The paradox is that you are not entering some kind of special mode rather you are returning to your natural state rather than being hypnotized by thought. It seems like a "new" state simply because we have become so used to the conditioned state of mind identification that we consider that to be normal when in fact our "natural" state is normal.

This allows me to stand in “empty space”

Beautiful !! Just allow that spaciousness to be felt deeper and deeper. No need to get rid of anything. All will find its natural "place" as we simply rest.

More urge to cry. But a lot of emotional repression going on. So tears timidly fall down.

Let this be as it is. No need to repress it, no need to indulge in it and no need to resist it. It is the body releasing many repressed experiences. Allow yourself to fully feel whatever feeling comes with the tears. Be so compassionate with yourself.
Please let me know if the upwelling of tears becomes very prevalent.

Will try upping the times, but I liked that practice.

Be very gentle with yourself Nicholas. No need to particularly up the time in terms of longer times at this stage unless you're drawn to it.
What can be very helpful is returning to this "natural state of being" as many times as you remember throughout the days.for a few moments at a time.

Just let this continue to unfold for you and let me know how it goes.




Hugs


Alan

[Nicholas]

I won't be able to access to a computer today, and I will have to practice while out!

so, those two questions... will answer with 2 days of data... tomorrow!!

hug

[Alless]

Thank you Nicholas. I'll be here when you're ready.

Hug

[Nicholas]

Ok, I'm still learning how to "fall back" into that state. sometimes I can do it, sometimes not.
Let's say... for now I have a 30% chance of entering.
I know it can be forced, it seems I need to... open certain mechanisms in my head, ah! I don't know!
but I know that percentage will continue increasing with practice.

Please let me know if the upwelling of tears becomes very prevalent.

No tears this time!

Just let this continue to unfold for you and let me know how it goes.

I noticed it's possible to... ok, this is a bit hard to explain.
Sometimes there are thoughts that are a couple sentences long, but they only need to rear their head and I already know they entire content.
It's an interesting state to be in, so much chaos, so many thoughts.
Sometimes they grab my attention and then I "become aware" over again, specially self-referential thoughts.

got to keep working at it!

hug

[Nicholas]

*it CAN'T be forced

(typo)

[Alless]

Sometimes they grab my attention and then I "become aware" over again, specially self-referential thoughts.

This is the ebb and flow of conditioned habits being dismantled by simply noticing. This is good!!

I know it can be forced

When I read that I was a bit startled !!! Until I read your correction !! Phew !! That was a relief to see that correction !!

but I know that percentage will continue increasing with practice.

Yes the waxing and waning so to speak as seeing gets clearer and clearer and what used to be only the unnoticed "background" more and more becomes the "foreground"

Diligence and gentle patience with yourself Nicholas is the key alright. As you say - keeping at it.

Hug


Alan

[Nicholas]

For today I did several tries but only achieved a very shallow "mode".
music is EXTREMELY predominant.

Trying again tomorrow! bit frustrated

hug

[Alless]

😊😊😊

[Nicholas]

Hello Alan, 2 things to report from today

1) I have a sticky point. I am the only one who can hear my thoughts, control the body, look from this perspective. Who's feeling all this stuff? me.

2) inquiry with curiosity... HOW to do it? I think sometimes I can do it but sometimes not! and I think that's the key

hug