Looking for my self

[Andrew1]

Yes, I already understand that it's all social conditioning: eating, dress, speech, morals, attraction, everything. I have understood that for a long time. I wanted to go deeper than that.

Ok,you have an intellectual understanding of it but do you see it in reality.If you truely see it then it is only a small step to seeing how you are living your life from a lie.Look at how this lie has affected your way of looking at reality.

Every two or three nights I find myself awake at 4am with nothing but liberation on my mind. I'll either get up or lie there and focus on the source of my identity for an hour or so before falling asleep. I find these times the most focused of all. Last night I awoke and got up. I laid on the floor and gave myself in to the question "who wants liberation?".

No one wants liberation.There is no one there.You are already liberated but the false you is preventing you from seeing it.

I began to see that even the inner voice used to ask the question, it's particular character and temperament, are a product of that supposedness. It is supposed to be that way in order to remain consistent with conclusions drawn about myself from memories.

Just memories,nothing more.There's only the present moment and and it's reality.


Trying to get beyond that I tried to ask from my heart instead. I have never been a very heart focused person so it did not come naturally. When I arise there was nothing but stillness in everything. In this stillness I could feel how the voice that asks the question is as undirected as the heart pumping blood. I went back to bed and fell asleep asking who is it that falls asleep.

You say that you already know there's no you and that it's all conditioning but you're still asking "who is it that falls asleep".No one,it's just sleeping.See past the assumed you and see that the body is tired and sleeps or hungry and eats.I had a 2 hour sleep this afternoon because the body was tired.People would say "you should'nt sleep during the afternoon" (conditioning/supposedness).But why not?.

Cheers
Andrew

[Andrew1]

Let me elaborate on that last post. I really do understand that I am nothing more than a label for the gestalt of perceptual filters feeding memory and the artificially self consistent conclusions that have been drawn from their analysis. I have always been a natural atheist so the prospect that I lack anything resembling a personal "soul" has always seemed intuitive to me. However, before now I have never actually looked to find out. I have merely taken its absence as a matter of faith, or an intellectual likelihood.

Thinking there is no soul and seeing there is no you are different unless you believe the soul and you are the same.The soul I have no idea of but a "you" I do.If you truely see that "label of you" then you would see that everything is just happening and you are currently living by your conditioning which is the illusory "you".It would be obvious and you would see through the illusion.You have an intellectual view but now need to see the world without the conditioned filters.

At the same time this "label" does have a subject. I can talk about myself, my personal tendencies, habits, interests, memories, etc. The subject of "me" is as real to me as any well studied subject, for like everyone, I have mastered my own subject matter. The interesting thing about this process is simply recognizing myself for what I am, subject matter. As such, "I" am entirely transitory, constantly under revision, and ultimately ephemeral. I am entirely comfortable with that.

Then you should see the world and "everyone else" in it are living in illusion and the truth should hit you between the eyes.As I said earlier,watch everyone closely and see the falseness of their lives and how it has affected the world.

However, what I am hoping to get out of this is an identity that exists beyond my personified gestalt, rather than identifying with an idea with subject matter. Is this the direction this enquiry is headed or is the acknowledgement that I am merely content the end of it?

There is no real identity only consciousness.The assumed identity has been fabricated from birth.You need to look how that fabrication is falsely controlling your view on life.This is where suffering occurs.When you see through the thought patterns in your life you will see the illusion of suffering.

[Calyx]

That I and others employ a socio-culturaly programmed mental filter for defining ourselves and the world, and that all of our experience is tainted with those definitions is not really shocking to me. I've travelled enough to know that people raised in different cultures think radically different than people in others. There are tribal cultures in India and the middle east that consider gang rape to be a form of justice in certain situations. If culture can program us to be that radically different from each other then it makes no sense to deny the stark reality of how we all are conditioned entirely. I see it in others and in myself all the time. (Like that asshole on the car horn's road rage vs. my own uninvolved attitude behind the wheel.) I don't t believe that not understanding this is what is blocking me.

I remember the first time someone told me there was no Santa Claus. I distinctly remember not being shocked by the truth of that revelation but by the fact that my cousin was talking about it. I had never actually considered Santa to be real, but this was the first time I heard someone actually confess it. I feel the same way about the cultural programming thing. It's something that was to obvious to question, but never honestly discussed before now.

I am completely convinced that "I" am a label for a collection of memories; the product of a filter, sorting experience into a "me" bucket and a "world" bucket in memory. I see that that process is the mechanism of the brain chugging along like a machine attempting to define an identity into existence. It is a self referential system in motion seeking efficiency (for the sake of survival) by forming a dualistic distinction between self and other.

Perhaps the problem is understanding "consciousness" as separate from that machine. Consciousness seems to be emerging from the machine rather than the other way around.

I think another mistake that happens is waiting for some kind of special feeling to overtake "me" as the result of this investigation. I know it doesn't work like that so whenever that happens I call it what it is, subject matter.

Any suggestions?

Thank You again Andrew. Your's is a wonderful presence in my machine.

[Andrew1]

That I and others employ a socio-culturaly programmed mental filter for defining ourselves and the world, and that all of our experience is tainted with those definitions is not really shocking to me. I've travelled enough to know that people raised in different cultures think radically different than people in others. There are tribal cultures in India and the middle east that consider gang rape to be a form of justice in certain situations. If culture can program us to be that radically different from each other then it makes no sense to deny the stark reality of how we all are conditioned entirely. I see it in others and in myself all the time. (Like that asshole on the car horn's road rage vs. my own uninvolved attitude behind the wheel.) I don't t believe that not understanding this is what is blocking me.

Ok,so you can see there is no "I" in you only conditioning over the years.How do you see your life in this moment.How are decisions being made and "who or what" is making them.How are they being made.Do you have control over those decisions.What influences them?.

I remember the first time someone told me there was no Santa Claus. I distinctly remember not being shocked by the truth of that revelation but by the fact that my cousin was talking about it. I had never actually considered Santa to be real, but this was the first time I heard someone actually confess it. I feel the same way about the cultural programming thing. It's something that was to obvious to question, but never honestly discussed before now.

I think most can see that people act the way they were brought up but most can't see it in themselves.Now it's time to look at the way you were brought up.Not just by your parents but by anything that has influenced you.School and tv are by far the worst.You have said you can see this but now it's time to change for lack of a better word.Not to be a nice guy that everyone loves but to live honestly in accordance to how the universe is working.Stop fighting the universe/naturalness with your false unnatural actions and flow with it.Stop trying to be the "controller".There is no "you" controlling anything.Release the tiller as they say.

I am completely convinced that "I" am a label for a collection of memories; the product of a filter, sorting experience into a "me" bucket and a "world" bucket in memory. I see that that process is the mechanism of the brain chugging along like a machine attempting to define an identity into existence. It is a self referential system in motion seeking efficiency (for the sake of survival) by forming a dualistic distinction between self and other.

Do you still operate from this dualism?.The only thing seperating you from everything else is your thoughts of an I.This where you need to be operating from reality and not the "I" illusion.Again it seems you understand the concept of a seperate "I" but are still operating from it.Your heavy workload is probably not allowing you to focus on it.Question-how much time a day to you "honestly" spend on liberation.This is'nt condeming just fact finding.Is it the first thought you have when you wake and last before you sleep.Clark,I still find if I don't stay alert that the illusion tries to pull me back in.It's very cunning.You need to see through this cunningness all the time.Then suddenly bang,there it is.Keep focused on it as much as possible at every moment.Be aware of decisions you make and where they are coming from.See the choices you make that are influenced by conditioning.

Perhaps the problem is understanding "consciousness" as separate from that machine. Consciousness seems to be emerging from the machine rather than the other way around.

It's consciousness the see the machine.Awareness.

I think another mistake that happens is waiting for some kind of special feeling to overtake "me" as the result of this investigation. I know it doesn't work like that so whenever that happens I call it what it is, subject matter.

Everyone is different in this.Some pop and some just see it but either way you will know it when it happens.You will see with clarity how the world really works and start living your life accordingly.

Any suggestions?

Thank You again Andrew. Your's is a wonderful presence in my machine.

[Andrew1]

Any suggestions?

Release the tiller and flow along with life instead of an illusory "YOU" fighting it.Release your false judgements and opinions.See the truth in your life and stop living other peoples illusory conditioning.Dump your fear and enter real life.It's just one honest look away

Andrew

[Calyx]

I looked for who or what influences decisions. Actually, I waited... Waited for a decision to happen so I could witness its origin and influences. I had to wait a long time. I started upon reading your reply this morning. Its now 5:30 pm and I just noticed "making" the first decision. It was whether or not to pull out my phone and type this or sit with the question longer. The only reason I noticed it as a decision was that it went back and forth a couple times before I realized that it was the decision I had been waiting for.

That it took so long, that so much has happened today without any real decisions being "made" is a big clue right there. But even in that decision I didn't notice any decider or influencer.

Likewise, all of the little decisions about which words to choose as I type are not directed. I don't really know how each sentence will end as I am typing the beginning of it. It just emerges. Even if I edit something there is no perceivable "I" doing so. It just seems like the right thing to do.

Of course these decisions are all predicated by my schooling and immersion in and english language culture. There is a desire to express something and the expression emerges. Sometimes elegantly, sometimes awkwardly, but never directed. In fact the times I find myself pondering what to type are really just waiting for the expression to pop into awareness. "I" don't actually form these sentences.

Despite my own experience on this I do still feel like I operate from a dualistic separateness between "me" and "world". Maybe it's because my only direct experience is single pointed; from the "I". Maybe I am not convinced in verifying something based on an observation of nothing. (Logic 101: You can't prove a negative.) Maybe I don't actually know HOW to look and verify with my own experience the lack of a person. Not knowing what an introspected person actually looks like, how would I know what to look for? I've looked the best i can and have seen nothing but that still isn't convincing enough to shift my fundamental world/self view.

It has also occurred to me that maybe I already don't operate from a dualistic viewpoint. I could ask you how I would know the difference between operating dualistically and non-dualistically, but since there is no me, there is nothing that could know anyway. In that case I am already liberated because nothing was ever there to be captive in the first place.

All I can say is that I feel like my experience of life and the world has not radically changed aside from a few more strongly confirmed understandings. I am more aware of that stillness and it it easier to bring into focus. I actually do think about this every moment I can. For weeks it has been the first thing in my mind on awakening an the last thing falling asleep. Maybe I am over thinking it. You picked a tough nut Andrew.

[Andrew1]

Sorry Clark,
it's been a long day and I'm exhausted.I'll post more tomorrow.For now though I want you to view how you are living in a dualistic way.As seperate.Then I want you to look at how Clark fits into his slot in life seamlessly.There's no stops and stutters just flowing along.Next see how YOU are fighting this flow with your assumptons and opinions.Trying to change things to suit YOU.I believe this is where you're stuck.You can see no self intellectually but don't really believe it.Your "I" is hanging on for grim life.Your "I" is what is seeing this no self which can't be real.The false I will always be there but you have to feel the illusion of it.Not just see it but honestly feel it's falseness,then you will see it's effect on your life.
More tomorrow.

[Calyx]

You asked me to examine how I am living in a dualistic way. I don't know. I don't feel like I am fighting life. In fact all of the most important decisions I have had really seemed to make themselves.

I moved from Philly to Seattle without really deciding to. I had never been here before. One day I picked up a Seattle job newspaper and looked through it because of the pretty pictures. The next thing I knew I had a job offer and a place to live. I didn't really decide to marry either. Not marrying Rebecca was never really an option. I never really "thought" about it as much as waited for the proposal to emerge. I didn't even know I was going to ask her until after I had just done it. I didn't really decide to be a software engineer either. It just happened. The right circumstances fell into place at the right time and it all just seemed like the right thing to do. I have spent a decade redesigning the piano from the ground up into a completely new instrument, yet have often honestly said that it feels like the instrument designed itself. Most of my life has been this way, maybe even all of it. I have long been aware of the play of unintended coincidence in the directions my life story has taken and have trusted them to guide me. This is true for little decisions as well.

I guess how I feel the most dualistic is that I experience an inner reality that somehow feels distinct from my perception of "outer" reality. I know the two influence each other greatly and are mutually entwined. But entwined is still dual. I know that all phenomena both inner and outer are perceived the same way, in the field of awareness. But I don't experience inner phenomena as identical in nature to "world phenomena" and vice versa. For example I feel much more intimately bound to my own experience than I do to anyone else's. Am I just confusing myself?

[Andrew1]

[quote="Calyx"]I looked for who or what influences decisions. Actually, I waited... Waited for a decision to happen so I could witness its origin and influences. I had to wait a long time. I started upon reading your reply this morning. Its now 5:30 pm and I just noticed "making" the first decision. It was whether or not to pull out my phone and type this or sit with the question longer. The only reason I noticed it as a decision was that it went back and forth a couple times before I realized that it was the decision I had been waiting for.

That it took so long, that so much has happened today without any real decisions being "made" is a big clue right there. But even in that decision I didn't notice any decider or influencer.

Likewise, all of the little decisions about which words to choose as I type are not directed. I don't really know how each sentence will end as I am typing the beginning of it. It just emerges. Even if I edit something there is no perceivable "I" doing so. It just seems like the right thing to do.

Are you sure?.Think about it.No decisions about getting up orstaying in bed another couple of minutes,cereal or toast for brekfast,coffee or tea,clothes to wear,what to eat for lunch.

Of course these decisions are all predicated by my schooling and immersion in and english language culture. There is a desire to express something and the expression emerges. Sometimes elegantly, sometimes awkwardly, but never directed. In fact the times I find myself pondering what to type are really just waiting for the expression to pop into awareness. "I" don't actually form these sentences.

Look back at all the little so called decisions you made today as mentioned above.Are they all coming from your schooling and conditioning.

Despite my own experience on this I do still feel like I operate from a dualistic separateness between "me" and "world". Maybe it's because my only direct experience is single pointed; from the "I". Maybe I am not convinced in verifying something based on an observation of nothing. (Logic 101: You can't prove a negative.) Maybe I don't actually know HOW to look and verify with my own experience the lack of a person. Not knowing what an introspected person actually looks like, how would I know what to look for? I've looked the best i can and have seen nothing but that still isn't convincing enough to shift my fundamental world/self view.

Look at one particular thing you do that annoys you.Follow it back to where it started ( maybe as a youth or child ).Find out why you started doing it.Pull it apart.See how as the years have rolled on that you get more entrenched in it until you believe it's true.See how you have identified it with "you".See how it has caused suffering through all these years.See how it is just an illusion from some past experience.Eliminate it as rubbish.

It has also occurred to me that maybe I already don't operate from a dualistic viewpoint. I could ask you how I would know the difference between operating dualistically and non-dualistically, but since there is no me, there is nothing that could know anyway. In that case I am already liberated because nothing was ever there to be captive in the first place.

A simple honest look at your day would reveal clearly if you are operating from a dualistic viewpoint.Are you leading your life from an "I" perspective.Correct,nothing was there to be captive buy you have put something imaginary there.Are you "honestly" operating from that imaginary person.As above,look at things that you do through the day and pull them apart.When you do this you will be surprised at how conditioned you really are.When you see that conditioning you will see right away how you are not leading your life naturally.How your old patterns are living your life.It takes honest work to break it down.Writing these things down is also a great help.

All I can say is that I feel like my experience of life and the world has not radically changed aside from a few more strongly confirmed understandings. I am more aware of that stillness and it it easier to bring into focus.

Remember your first post Clark.You have been reading,contemplating and meditating for 20 odd years.That's lot of influence right?.Have you put all that on hold for now?.You said you had an intellectual understanding and you still have.Thoughts will always be there.You can't stop them.You need to look at where the type of thoughts you have originated from as I said above.See how they are falsely influencing your life.For e.g. if,in my replies,I continually spell a word wrong and it shits you.Look into why such a simple thing as a wrong spelling would cause you grief.That's not real living is it.It's getting mad at an illusion.You need to see through that illusion of "that spelling mistake is shitting me".

I actually do think about this every moment I can. For weeks it has been the first thing in my mind on awakening an the last thing falling asleep. Maybe I am over thinking it.

Maybe but you have to keep hammering away.Try taking a short break,listen to some music,go for a walk.Then come back to it fresh.It helps me.I also found listening to an audiobook version rather than reading the book was easier for me as well.



You picked a tough nut Andrew.

It's all good Clark.Keep at it but don't get down about it.It will always be there.Maybe you just need to peel away your delusion bit by bit.Maybe you'll be having a shower tomorrow and it will hit you between the eyes.We're all different.Just remember to keep looking at real life and focus on how your opinions and judgements are clouding it.These opinions and judements are what you call "ME".

Andrew

[Calyx]

I have stopped reading and listening to everything else since we started. I really want to give this my best focus. I even stopped short of finishing Gateless Gatecrashers. Is it ok to read that?

Decisions whether to eat a banana or an apple are so trite that I can hardly call them decisions. I just eat what my mouth wants to taste at that moment. There is no amount of consideration for it.

When you say break down my responses to things what do you mean? Figure out where the response comes from? What is its origin? Or do you mean figure out whether it is either justified or conditioned?

I almost never get annoyed or angry so it's hard to find examples of that. I did get upset when I read about that woman who super glued her 2 year old child's hands to the wall and kicked her into a coma then wanted the judge to let her off because "she isn't a monster". I think my anger was a justifiable response to that. However, I can also see how it was bio-culturally conditioned (I say bio because I'm sure that child protection responses are hard wired in our amygdaloid reptilian brains). People in Olde England used to string up, tar and burn cats while they laughed and sang along to its screams. If I were born then I might have sang right along with them rather than be sickened by the story as I am. Likewise my response to the monster lady story is conceivably conditioned as well.

(Sorry to get so Grimm but it helps me see the extent of possibilities of human conditioning, and thereby recognize my own. That my response to child and cat torture is merely bio-cultural programming is a starkly un-PC sentiment, but disturbingly true.)

My biggest thought influences are those of inadequacy. Feeling like the things I produce are never as good as I want them to be or as good as others expect them to be. This deeply influences my software work as well as my instrument building. I also have a fear of completion that keeps many projects unfinished. The two are related. Both are contrary to reality but nevertheless continually threaten to become self fulfilling prophecies because of my mistaken thoughts. THAT is more pertinent to me than anger or annoyance.

But even for that I pretty much know what the root of it is (the consequences of having grown up black in a tacitly racist white community and the subtle and overt social cues around being "lesser" that I picked up and carried with me throughout life). But it's all psychological sludge. More drama for my mama. I know well the elements of "me". Why keep analyzing something that doesn't exist?

I am more compelled to investigate something more rooted in present experience than distant memory. Like why, for example, when I walked past the chocolate factory tonight I believed that it was an amazing fragrance in the air. Where did that preference for sensory stimuli come from? Why was it a "good" smell and not just a smell? What is the source of the judgement? Doesn't that seem more potentially revealing of my dualist self conception? If you think otherwise then I'll wallow in the muck. But at 44, I think I'm pretty familiar with my muck. I'm ready to be done with it.

[Calyx]

I hope you're feeling better today. :)

[Andrew1]

I'm feeling much better thanks mate.

I have stopped reading and listening to everything else since we started. I really want to give this my best focus. I even stopped short of finishing Gateless Gatecrashers. Is it ok to read that?

By all means keep reading Gatecrashers.I just don't know what you are reading so it was best to stop altogether.The end of your world by Adyashanti is also another good book to read.It's about post liberation but is very useful.


Decisions whether to eat a banana or an apple are so trite that I can hardly call them decisions. I just eat what my mouth wants to taste at that moment. There is no amount of consideration for it.

This is a big thing right here and why I asked about decisions.Compare it to this statement
"I looked for who or what influences decisions. Actually, I waited... Waited for a decision to happen so I could witness its origin and influences. I had to wait a long time. I started upon reading your reply this morning. Its now 5:30 pm and I just noticed "making" the first decision. It was whether or not to pull out my phone and type this or sit with the question longer. The only reason I noticed it as a decision was that it went back and forth a couple times before I realized that it was the decision I had been waiting for."
For a decision to be made there has to be a decision maker.Re-read what you said about eating.No decision maker just life being life.Go back over what took place when you were "deciding" what to do in the second statement.Was there really a decision being made or was it just life rolling along.

When you say break down my responses to things what do you mean? Figure out where the response comes from? What is its origin? Or do you mean figure out whether it is either justified or conditioned?

Both.The origin is usually previous conditioning anyway.

I almost never get annoyed or angry so it's hard to find examples of that. I did get upset when I read about that woman who super glued her 2 year old child's hands to the wall and kicked her into a coma then wanted the judge to let her off because "she isn't a monster". I think my anger was a justifiable response to that. However, I can also see how it was bio-culturally conditioned (I say bio because I'm sure that child protection responses are hard wired in our amygdaloid reptilian brains). People in Olde England used to string up, tar and burn cats while they laughed and sang along to its screams. If I were born then I might have sang right along with them rather than be sickened by the story as I am. Likewise my response to the monster lady story is conceivably conditioned as well.



(Sorry to get so Grimm but it helps me see the extent of possibilities of human conditioning, and thereby recognize my own. That my response to child and cat torture is merely bio-cultural programming is a starkly un-PC sentiment, but disturbingly true.)

Anger is an emotion like love.You would be a zombie without them.They won't go away but what you need to do is see them as emotions.Your emotions turn into thoughts and they turn into "you".This is another example of something that clouds your view on reality.

My biggest thought influences are those of inadequacy. Feeling like the things I produce are never as good as I want them to be or as good as others expect them to be. This deeply influences my software work as well as my instrument building. I also have a fear of completion that keeps many projects unfinished. The two are related. Both are contrary to reality but nevertheless continually threaten to become self fulfilling prophecies because of my mistaken thoughts. THAT is more pertinent to me than anger or annoyance.

Ok,you're looking for perfection in everything you do instead of doing your best and accepting that that's all you can do.What are your mistaken thoughts??.

But even for that I pretty much know what the root of it is (the consequences of having grown up black in a tacitly racist white community and the subtle and overt social cues around being "lesser" that I picked up and carried with me throughout life). But it's all psychological sludge. More drama for my mama. I know well the elements of "me". Why keep analyzing something that doesn't exist? .

Yes,more conditioning.You can see that it is but are you willing to let go of it?.You still seem to have an attachment to it.See it as just thoughts from a past that does'nt exist anymore.Each moment is new in itself.You said it yourself '"why keep analyzing something that does'nt exist".

I am more compelled to investigate something more rooted in present experience than distant memory. Like why, for example, when I walked past the chocolate factory tonight I believed that it was an amazing fragrance in the air. Where did that preference for sensory stimuli come from? Why was it a "good" smell and not just a smell? What is the source of the judgement? Doesn't that seem more potentially revealing of my dualist self conception? If you think otherwise then I'll wallow in the muck. But at 44, I think I'm pretty familiar with my muck. I'm ready to be done with it.

That's the human body for you.Why does a lemon taste sour?.Your bodily senses tell you what smells nice and what doesn't.You would end up eating food that was off if not.This is reality.Clouded thoughts aren't.Go back to the chocolate factory and take another whiff of reality.Don't judge it,just see it as it is.Wonderful life.
Reality Clark,reality.Life in all it's glory.Go for a walk and see everything as it really is and not what you're trying to make of it.If you see a judgement coming up,piss it off and see the truth of it.If you see a dog marvel at it.If you see someone litter don't torture yourself over it.It just is and that's reality.It's not good,it's not bad.It's REALITY.[/color

[Calyx]

I get it now. There is no me. It's that simple. I don't need to be any specific way or uphold any expectations of myself. I don't need to be consistent with anything that I thought I was in the past. There is nothing to be consistent with. There is only what is right now. No quality of self that is expressed in the present new be persisted into the future. If I feel a certain way now that feeling doesn't indicate anything about any so called "character". There is no character. Its a fiction, like batman. There is only the feeling, the action. Nothing persists. Even memory is just a thought, ever perceived in its present state. It need not be adhered to because there is nothing cohesive to adhere to it. Memory is continually updated and has no persisting character. Any patterns seen in it are likewise impermanent, not evidence of any persisting character. Liberation is being free from the limitations that memory, striving for self consistency, imposes upon perceptions, thoughts and actions. There is no me. There is only what is now. Nothing need be expected or dreaded.

Is it really that simple?

[Andrew1]

I get it now. There is no me. It's that simple. I don't need to be any specific way or uphold any expectations of myself. I don't need to be consistent with anything that I thought I was in the past. There is nothing to be consistent with. There is only what is right now. No quality of self that is expressed in the present new be persisted into the future. If I feel a certain way now that feeling doesn't indicate anything about any so called "character". There is no character. Its a fiction, like batman. There is only the feeling, the action. Nothing persists. Even memory is just a thought, ever perceived in its present state. It need not be adhered to because there is nothing cohesive to adhere to it. Memory is continually updated and has no persisting character. Any patterns seen in it are likewise impermanent, not evidence of any persisting character. Liberation is being free from the limitations that memory, striving for self consistency, imposes upon perceptions, thoughts and actions. There is no me. There is only what is now. Nothing need be expected or dreaded.

Is it really that simple?

Cool.Do you see through the illusion of a seperate self.Do you have any doubt about this?.

[Calyx]

There is no doubt, I am sure (or, there is sureness), although it still has to settle in a bit.

It happened this afternoon when the song "I am Superman" popped into my head and I started giggling. It was obvious that Clark is just like superman, a well known fictional character.

I think what was really holding me back was acknowledging the implications of it all. That there is no one to protect, no one to preserve, no one to build or destroy, no one to understand or be understood. I am no one. Just a collection of perceptions and thoughts with no inherent reality whatsoever. The sense of self arises and fades just like any other thought, feeding in attention. Thoughts can be random or follow a thread, but they are just doing their thing on their own. Writing fiction.

The strangest thing is that it's so pedantic. So mundane. There's nothing special about this at all. Also I find myself conflicted in the use of language. English is so dependent on I-me-my talk that it's hard to write anything genuine any more. But if I were to write it without these words it would sound stilted and awkward. Like I were trying too hard to be something not. I do t find myself dwelling on it, reminders are still necessary, but it's obvious whenever I do.

We are heading to Spain tomorrow. There's a lot to think about on the plane. I ordered "The end of your world" on kindle. Good timing.

Thank you Andrew from all of my giddy heart. Honestly, I was just about ready to give up. I wasn't thinking about it very much when... pop. The debt I owe you would be immeasurable and unpayable if there were anyone to owe or anyone to pay :)

With Deepest Gratitude,
Clark