I'm ready

[Noro]

Dear Michele,

I am very happy to hear from you and am delighted that you have been following the work of Tod and Pernille

Yes, that was me !!

I would be happy to continue to guide you on the forum.

Perhaps you would like to share what is coming up for you in a reply to this post.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

With love,

Rowena

[Misha01]

Wonderful! I’m grateful for you.
I will give you a summary of what I have been working on with the 2nd fetter and where I am getting stuck. I will preface this with the knowing that there is no I, etc. but I know there is a lot of trauma in the body and I am a master diverter (which I’ve come to realize through this process). I am grateful for the chance to stop and give space and love to the trauma that still exists in the body.

My toxic starting point is passive aggressive bully. After listening to lessons 5 and 6 from the 2nd fetter, I was able to see so many patterns and conditioning. I will say I am able to see this starting point from a place of understanding and I feel no shame or guilt for what I have learned or seen. (I have plenty of guilt and shame for other things) :-)

I definitely notice the pattern of complaining, blaming and shaming. I complain about everything. If not out loud, then in my head. The shoes on the floor, the slow driver, the weather, another person’s body or style, (that’s more judgement but I do it often) it is a constant.

I definitely ruminate about the past and beat myself up over choices I have made and shame myself for the current life I have because “I screwed everything up”

Here is where I could use some guidance. I have really started to become aware of when I am in that toxic starting point. For example, complaining or ruminating. The slide in lesson 6 hit me so hard. It said “everyday annoyance and irritation is a diversion, there is usually something underneath. Often it is unexpressed sadness with lots of tears that are hidden under irritability and dissatisfaction” Here is where I could use some help. When I notice that pattern of complaining, I stop immediately and feel into the body. I close my eyes and allow any sensation to be there. I can sense I am diverting, but I can’t seem to get to any underlying feeling, belief, or emotion. I can’t give space to something that doesn’t want to be seen and I know I can’t force anything to happen. Is there inquiry that could help?

I can sense such a simmering lake of lava ready to explode, but it is elusive.

Thank you
Michele

[Noro]

When I notice that pattern of complaining, I stop immediately and feel into the body. I close my eyes and allow any sensation to be there. I can sense I am diverting, but I can’t seem to get to any underlying feeling, belief, or emotion. I can’t give space to something that doesn’t want to be seen and I know I can’t force anything to happen. Is there inquiry that could help?

I can sense such a simmering lake of lava ready to explode, but it is elusive.

I think that the easiest way to proceed would be to find some specific situation that triggers you and work with that.

Think about a simple occurrence that shifts your mood into that pattern of complaining and write it down.
What are the words coming up in relation to the complaining?
Is there a 'should' involved?
The word 'should' can have an immediate effect on the body, causing sensations of contraction.
"They should have......."
"I should have ........."

Also, I find it very helpful to do this work along the lines of IFS (Internal Family Systems). The perspective here is that there is a whole extended family of parts, or identities within us that are constantly interacting together, pushing and pulling at our reality. Each part appears to have its own perspective and often there can be a strong pattern of conflict. Now here is the most important thing to take away: THERE ARE NO BAD PARTS! Each part has arisen within us for a purpose in order to help us cope with difficult situations. Many parts are created in early childhood, and they are still operating from that childish perspective.

So, when something comes up and complaining happens, think of it as a part of your system that has been triggered because it is highly sensitive to things not being the way that part feels they 'should' be. Why would it be so sensitive? It might be that it is protecting another part in your 'system' from accessing feelings that have been buried. Does that make sense to you?

Please describe an actual scenario and as you describe it, really feel into the underlying sensations.
Allow the sensations to be there, fully and unconditionally.
See of you can find a sentence that adequately fits the scenario.
Notice that 'you' are aware of the thoughts and the sensations, therefore they are not 'you', they go with a 'part' of you that is fulfilling its role in the most helpful way that it can.

With love,
Rowena

[Misha01]

Rowena,

Thank you. You gave me very good, specific things to do. I will be watching for triggers and writing down the words that come up and reporting back with the questions you gave me. I have never heard of IFS work. It sounds really good. I just ordered the workbook by Richard Schwartz. Maybe that can help me hone in on the underlying words and feelings.

Also, would you recommend I stay here in fetter 2 or continue moving through the next fetters and circle back when necessary? I think they all can offer nuggets and insights as I circle back and forth, but I don't want to rush things.

Much love,
Michele

[Noro]

It's great you ordered the workbook by Richard Schwarz.

Also, you might like to check out another approach to the fetters by Kevin Shanilek:
https://www.simplytheseen.com
His approach is more linear than Todd and Pernille's, and he skips Fetters 2 and 3 but his inquiry approach into 4 and 5 and beyond is really good.

I personally am a dabbler! I can never stay in one place (i.e. one fetter) until I am supposedly done. And the big question with awakening and the fetters inquiry is "are we ever completely done?" If you feel a pull to move forward to looking at 3, 4 and 5 I would say "follow the pull!" My experience is that no matter which fetter is being inquired into, there will be area of identification which point to other fetters. The fetters is a helpful 'map' to identify where we are 'stuck' and 'suffering', but we might like to move around to other approaches. This is why I like to mix in other approaches such as IFS.

I also agree that you don't want to rush things. Follow the energy. Trying to 'go deeper' can create resistance and reinforce a sense of 'selfing' and 'doership'. Intellectually, it might be known that there is no separate, autonomous self, but when there are still 'parts' with which we are identified that have the role of 'doer' and other parts that are crying out "to give us a break!" having a purely intellectual understanding of no "I" is not helpful.

Much love,
Rowena

[Misha01]

Rowena,

I have continued to be aware of irritations and I started the first section of the IFS workbook. I have a few things to share.

Please describe an actual scenario and as you describe it, really feel into the underlying sensations

.
After dinner, my husband grabbed a bunch of oreos to eat. I immediately felt a contraction and irritation. I felt disgust and frustration. (He has been gaining weight and keeps saying he wants to do something about it but hasn't) I felt so much judgement and I really felt the "controller" part of me present.

Allow the sensations to be there, fully and unconditionally.

I allowed the contraction, disgust, frustration all to be there, but I tried to just feel the sensation and not put a label on it. (tightness in the chest, quick heartbeat, contraction in the throat)

See of you can find a sentence that adequately fits the scenario.

He shouldn't eat junk and he should be trying to get in shape.

Notice that 'you' are aware of the thoughts and the sensations, therefore they are not 'you', they go with a 'part' of you that is fulfilling its role in the most helpful way that it can.

I was able to see that and I was able to see the reaction as parts of me that think they still have a job. I was able to just be there with that. Things didn't get much deeper than that and that was OK. Just a knowing that there is a controller part of me that is very strong.

Something that was interesting as I was working through the 1st chapter of IFS. I was able to do the intro meditation and exercises where I begin to identify the different parts. I identified several and the metaphor of the big house with lots of rooms was helpful. Some parts I could just know were there and that was as close as I could get. Other parts were very vocal and visible. Here is where it got interesting. There was a "discovering Self" exercise where I had to write down the attributes of my Self that I could identify (Calm, clarity, confidence, curiosity, connectedness, creativity, compassion and courage) As soon as I got to that exercise I was in complete Freeze mode. I could not think of nor write down anything. There was such a presence of a part of me that made it very clear it was not safe to be free and to have any of those attributes. I sat with that part, felt into the body (heavy contraction) and just let that be. I didn't want to go any further with the workbook, but I was fine with that. It was clear that I needed to stop there and just take some time to be. Normally, I would let that shame voice completely derail my day, suck me into depression, etc. I definitely was able to see the "not me" energy.

I am starting on Fetter 3 and I look forward to doing the exercises on dissolving the diversions. Pernille says it's important to have your guide on stand-by as this can get heavy. (I Hope you're ready) :-)

Thank you for your continued support!
Michele

[Noro]

Hi Michele,

Here is a link to Kevin Shanilek's outline of working with Fetters 4&5. I think it could be very helpful. Of particular note is #4 which refers to the wording of the situation in question. The whole outline is very detailed and well written, and I think it can be used effectively with some Fetter 2 identifications as well as Fetter 4 & 5.

https://www.simplytheseen.com/fetters-45-guide.html

He shouldn't eat junk and he should be trying to get in shape.

Focusing on what you want to see or hear is different from focusing on what is happening. Focusing on what someone is NOT doing is more of an abstract idea, and therefore can have less reactive energy associated with it. Are you clear on what it is you DO want from this person or situation, by which reactivity presumably would not arise?

If you could re-word what you wrote above what might you say focusing on what or how you want to see your husband behaving differently. For example: "He doesn't eat healthily and is not looking after his body."

And then (#5) the sentence can be intoned while your attention is placed on to the body sensations arising. And this will keep on being repeated over the course of a few days while you follow what is going on with the sensations. Are they changing or weakening at all? Eventually you might find you can add the phrase "So what?" to the end of the sentence and there will be little reaction left.

If you decide to work with this method, I suggest that you let go of the IFS perspective just while you are working with the sentence and the sensations. Think of it like you have two musical instruments that you like to pick up and play with alternately.

There was a "discovering Self" exercise where I had to write down the attributes of my Self that I could identify (Calm, clarity, confidence, curiosity, connectedness, creativity, compassion and courage) As soon as I got to that exercise I was in complete Freeze mode. I could not think of nor write down anything. There was such a presence of a part of me that made it very clear it was not safe to be free and to have any of those attributes. I sat with that part, felt into the body (heavy contraction) and just let that be. I didn't want to go any further with the workbook, but I was fine with that. It was clear that I needed to stop there and just take some time to be. Normally, I would let that shame voice completely derail my day, suck me into depression, etc. I definitely was able to see the "not me" energy.

The above is really good work!


With love,
Rowena

[Misha01]

Thank you so much!

I will dive into Kevin's work and see where it takes me. I agree with playing one instrument at a time. :-) I have really found IFS helpful as I can now separate my reactions/sensation into specific "parts." I see them as different mini-michele's from the past. It makes it feel not so overwhelming when big emotions hit. It's just that "part" doing its job. I did a meditation this morning just letting different parts be and see if they had anything to say. It was very powerful with lots of tears. I'm glad I am taking this "detour" from just direct experience work. I think I have too much resistance in the body and I'm grateful for the opportunity to be with what is in the body for a bit.

I'm grateful you are here. I will pop in and let you know how the fetter work is going and share any insights I have or questions that arise.

So much love,
Michele

[Noro]

Hi Michele,

I’m so happy to hear that the IFS approach is helpful. I certainly find it to be so as there is always something arising to become aware of!

I’m happy too that you like the one instrument (or perspective) at a time approach.

Looking forward to hearing from you when ever I can be if assistance.

With love
Rowena