invitation to start now

[Elizabeth]

If you are ready to jump in with some intensity and willingness, this is the time.
Please share a bit of your path and your story.
And we've started.
Love, Elizabeth

[filipek]

Hi would really like to be guided by you ;) i will write something about myself within 2 hours ;)

[filipek]

I am 23 year old man from Poland. I began working with myself about 5 years ago. One day i came upon a site with techniques

for picking up girls. hehe. I never had any luck with it so i realised that it will be interesting. Well, trying out those

techniques and stuff i realised there is something wrong with me on a deeper level. I tried psychology and realised i had

what psychology reffers to as social phobia wich is not being able to be open with people. So i went to psychiatrist and

got some antidepressants. She also gave me a book on this topic. So i read the book and i figured i already dug deeper into

the social phobia than this book and i still haven't found any answers. So i've pictured myself as this groundbreaking psychologist that "solves" this social phobia problem. So i started to study psychology, but i was working by myself and taking notes as the literature on this subject wasn't really going far. So i found myself going beyond psychology. And than i found out spirituality and found out that it was what i was doing all along. Later i came across ayahuasca. It's a plant that changes your perception and allows you to heal your wounds very deeply. I also met a woman that is now my fiance and it'sa great adventure "evolving" tograther"

So where am i now? After working with ayahuasca i kind of stopped going the direct path. The whole selflesness thing. I had many experiences of realising and letting go. I dropped the selfless way because on ayahuasca i discoevered myself. All my life i was unconscious and following something or someone. So later i found out that i exist and it is best feeling in the world i ever had. It's a feeling of being grounded to my body. Being able to stand up for myself and do things i want to do. Being ALIVE. Feeling myself. I was rejecting myself all my life. I did not love myself. And wasn't able to feel myself. So i kind of focused on that as being myself, being in my body, being home was the best experience of my life. Also love, that is one of my favourite discoveries. It has such a power to transform everything. WOW. So beautiful. I had an experience of falling in love with myself. It's a funny story actually, during one ayahuasca session i realised that there is a huge demon in me and he's the reason why i can't express myself. so i began trying to eorcise it, get rid of it or wahtever. On the other ayahuasca ceremony, christman 2011, i realised that the demon was me. Part of me that i rejected. Beautiful, beautiful experience of inviting this part back to my life and stopping to fight with it.

So i am at this moment. Experiences are coming and going. Sadly for me last few months they were not here and i didn't have a lot of feeling love etc but i feel i was maturing anyway, getting rid of old habits etc. With help of ayahuasca i touched what it is to be myself. Some time ago i started being called again by selfless path. Somewhere i know that selfless path and the path of being yourself is the same. But it is a bit contradictory to me and i do not really get how to combine it.I used to think that maybe first i should become grounded in myself, in physical reality before realizing my true nature. How do you see it? What i want is to see the truth, whatever it may be. I do not know if i am ready to lift the illusion but i want to do it. I thank you very much for sharing your wisdom and energy with me ;)

[filipek]

I forgot to add two things i had in mind when writing. First is that i did quit antidepressants after about 2 months as i saw it wasn't the cure. Second is i could never bring myself to meditate systematically. i have discipline problems :) my insights always happened spontaneously, not by sitting everyday the same time. but i am very willing to look and work with you everyday :))

[filipek]

One more thing - my dad died when i was 7. i was unable to recover any feelings i had about his death. i know (intelectually) his death changed something but it's not like i avoid subject of my father's death. I just don't feel anything in relation to his death, i guess it's buried very deeply. I am willing to go there however, just do not know how at the moment ;)

[Elizabeth]

Hello filipek,
Nice to meet you :-)
Thank you for the information. It's helpful to see how people come here, and what they expect.
You've done some work and exploration, so let's start with this:

In all your looking within, was a real self ever found?

Much love, Elizabeth

[filipek]

i thought i did but as i now got deeper i noticed that all i was finding in my looking were aspects of myself. it was becoming veriety of roles. warrior, victim, son, friend, etc etc. thank you, that experiences were so intense that i got identified with them and thought of them as goal im going to. it is now lifting, and i feel more myself, but also i discovered i have identification with the body. i know intelectually that im not my body but i still feel what i feel, and that is seeing myself as being the body.

[Elizabeth]

i thought i did but as i now got deeper i noticed that all i was finding in my looking were aspects of myself. it was becoming veriety of roles. warrior, victim, son, friend, etc etc. thank you, that experiences were so intense that i got identified with them and thought of them as goal im going to. it is now lifting, and i feel more myself, but also i discovered i have identification with the body. i know intelectually that im not my body but i still feel what i feel, and that is seeing myself as being the body.

Yes, seems hard to nail a 'real' self down.
Roles and stories.
Are these real things?
Or found in thoughts only?

[filipek]

this are all roles i see it now. but yet there is something that is assuming all those roles. kind of changing form into them and becoming them. and they are not roles i made up, i did not invent the role "son", or "man". i discovered them, in the reality which was already here, before me.

[Elizabeth]

Great start. Let's check about the thoughts and roles and labels. See what they are about.
This is very simple exercise with big implications.

Please get a cup of tea or coffee or whatever is pleasant.
Set it in front of computer.
OK?
Now, what is more true...to call it A cup, or a MY cup?
And why?

Much love, Elizabeth

[filipek]

Thank youfor your response.

I noticed that what a cup is, how it appears to me, depends on how i look at it. when i look at it as my cup it's my cup. as if i changed what it is. so if its my cup i kind of suck it into me, and it becomes part of me. but i guess my cup and a cup, both are true.

[Elizabeth]

Ha, I agree, it IS as if you kind of suck the cup into a you :-)
How does that happen?
What is the mechanism?
Does it happen with every thing that has a MY on it?

Much love, Elizabeth

[filipek]

ok that one really struck deep :D I'm gonna work with it for a bit before i give you ananswer ;)

[Elizabeth]

OK, feel free to post as you look for the answer, it helps to put down the places you look. That way the mind can't 'forget' :-)
Love, Elizabeth

[filipek]

Well, yesterday i was struggling with the question. I asked MY coffe/ A coffe question, but this time instead of coffe there was my body, my thoughts etc. there was much dissolving, however i did not enter any peacfull, awarness states. it was more dynamic journey of destroying illusions than resting in awareness and letting it all flow by itself. i also realized what was blocking me in the past was that i was chasing a state where i feel good instead of chasing the truth whatever it might be:) only one idea but so powerful obstacle!! yet so easy :)

me and my fiance (which also started to use this forum:) after reading some of the posts here, started to use your method to help each other and guide each other in the process. on the emotional healing level, it was first time where i consciously felt emotions toward my father's death. mostly anger, sadness and fear. that is groundbreaking for me, even though not so very intense healing that is the first time it really comes up. so my fathers death led to the ideas that the outside world doesn't want me, that it is hostile and dangerous, not really pleasant place ;)

Also one more thing. When being stressed, it's now easier for me to relax. i just remind myself that all those tensions are not me.

What im working on right now is trying to find myself, looking for it and seeing all those illusions that i thought were me. i won't stop until i find what is I.

Having said all that, there is still a sense of separate self deep inside. No idea what it is, but i want to discover what it is. There was a realization that "I" is just a word, and this concept, idea dissolved. it was just funny to see that "I" means nothing. i wouldn't be honest if i said that there is no I and im at peace. there is something there, something separate, but i want to get to the bottom of this.

Any suggestions ? ;)

thank you for your help, and if my writing is too chaotic for you to understand, i can take time to make it's form more tidy the next time.