My Journey

[Yaz]

I've been on this 'journey' for a long time, awakening slowly, and over time, I engaged in all the usual New Age type practices. I was deeply fascinated by the phenomenal world for a time. All the while though, I was aware of a black hole in my soul, which I filled with spiritual pursuits. One day, our lives started coming apart financially, and over a two year period, we witnessed how our greatest efforts came to nothing. As hard as we tried, as much as we prayed, focussed positively, begged, (you name it, we did it) the walls came crumbling down. I went to see a Swami in the area, hoping he would tell me what to fix in my life, and he simply said 'surrender totally'. I thought he was mad. A year later, my 21 year old son died. He swerved off the road and hit a wall bringing it down. I saw in an instant that this was my issue, that he had died so that we could all be free. That brick wall was solid my belief in my humanity. The crumbling of our lives had been the literal crumbling away of our ideas. In the years following my son's death, I learned that everything I thought was 'real' was a lie. The world and my personality was nothing but a set of ideas built up like a Lego construction. Dissolve the ideas and nothing existed but the True Self (that's the only way I can express it). Just the True Self which is formless. I went through an intense phase of recognizing my ideas and then dismantling them. I realized during this time that the Swami was right. I had to surrender my sense of self and everything that went with it. At the same time I went through an intense depression because I felt that nothing had any meaning any more.Nothing in the material world has meaning, I know, but my ego very much struggled to challenge it. I became suicidal, but even when I examined those beliefs, I realized that I was in a place where I had to examine the concept of death itself, which I also found was non-existent. These days, I am still in a process of 'dying' to the world. I have seen that my life as I once knew it is over, and professional life has ended; I am no longer doing the things that made me 'important'. I love this place I am in. Self-importance is something that the ego needs to flourish, and I am watching how my ego fights for it, and rejoicing when it is quieted that bit more. In a nutshell, for me, true death is the dissolution of any belief structure that manifests our humanity. A mouthful, I know, but that's how I see it.

What I'd like from this forum is assistance is letting go more fully. Sometimes I wonder if all this attention to letting go of beliefs is just making the beliefs more important. I get my knickers in a twist over this one, so help is sorely needed!

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Yaz,

I've been on this 'journey' for a long time, awakening slowly, and over time, I engaged in all the usual New Age type practices. I was deeply fascinated by the phenomenal world for a time. All the while though, I was aware of a black hole in my soul, which I filled with spiritual pursuits. One day, our lives started coming apart financially, and over a two year period, we witnessed how our greatest efforts came to nothing. As hard as we tried, as much as we prayed, focussed positively, begged, (you name it, we did it) the walls came crumbling down. I went to see a Swami in the area, hoping he would tell me what to fix in my life, and he simply said 'surrender totally'. I thought he was mad. A year later, my 21 year old son died. He swerved off the road and hit a wall bringing it down. I saw in an instant that this was my issue, that he had died so that we could all be free. That brick wall was solid my belief in my humanity. The crumbling of our lives had been the literal crumbling away of our ideas. In the years following my son's death, I learned that everything I thought was 'real' was a lie. The world and my personality was nothing but a set of ideas built up like a Lego construction. Dissolve the ideas and nothing existed but the True Self (that's the only way I can express it). Just the True Self which is formless. I went through an intense phase of recognizing my ideas and then dismantling them. I realized during this time that the Swami was right. I had to surrender my sense of self and everything that went with it. At the same time I went through an intense depression because I felt that nothing had any meaning any more.Nothing in the material world has meaning, I know, but my ego very much struggled to challenge it. I became suicidal, but even when I examined those beliefs, I realized that I was in a place where I had to examine the concept of death itself, which I also found was non-existent. These days, I am still in a process of 'dying' to the world. I have seen that my life as I once knew it is over, and professional life has ended; I am no longer doing the things that made me 'important'. I love this place I am in. Self-importance is something that the ego needs to flourish, and I am watching how my ego fights for it, and rejoicing when it is quieted that bit more. In a nutshell, for me, true death is the dissolution of any belief structure that manifests our humanity. A mouthful, I know, but that's how I see it.

What I'd like from this forum is assistance is letting go more fully. Sometimes I wonder if all this attention to letting go of beliefs is just making the beliefs more important. I get my knickers in a twist over this one, so help is sorely needed!

This is John from the UK. Very nice to meet you. And thank you very much for sharing the story that led you here.

Happy to be your guide if you wish.

A few guidelines: look to post each day or post to say if a break is needed; and set aside any other spiritual practices during our inquiry together.

Also, there is some nice intro info here, our disclaimer and a cool short video too.

http://www.liberationunleashed.com/

If you could confirm you have seen all the above and would like me to be your guide - then we'll shall begin.

With best wishes,
John

p.s. You might describe it as a death - but what we look at here is simply seeing things as they are. So the fiction of the "I" is seen and doesn't die but is placed in the category of Fiction on the bookshelf to gather dust. :)

[Yaz]

Hi John, thank you for offering to be my guide. I've read all the disclaimers and things, so I know what to expect. I'm also from the UK, but am living in Doha, so I think in terms of time you are three hours behind. Your last comment as seeing the fiction of the I instead of describing my experience as a death is very helpful in itself. Just to be able to witness and not 'undo' is a liberation in itself. A pressing question for me at the moment is what to do when one sees and feels the pointlessness of this material world, but is still living in it! My own answer is to just accept the discomfort, and to get on with things as normal. I used to love the idea that I had a purpose in helping people (I was a teacher), but now see that I gave myself a sense of self-importance in doing it. So I try not to engage in activities that make me (ego) feel important. I have this idea that I should just let it 'die'. But it does make me feel that everything is rather pointless! Perhaps you have a better answer than mine. Thank you John.

[Yaz]

By the way, I don't have any religion or anything, and I no longer indulge in new age pursuits.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Yaz.

Hi John, thank you for offering to be my guide. I've read all the disclaimers and things, so I know what to expect. I'm also from the UK, but am living in Doha, so I think in terms of time you are three hours behind. Your last comment as seeing the fiction of the I instead of describing my experience as a death is very helpful in itself. Just to be able to witness and not 'undo' is a liberation in itself. A pressing question for me at the moment is what to do when one sees and feels the pointlessness of this material world, but is still living in it! My own answer is to just accept the discomfort, and to get on with things as normal. I used to love the idea that I had a purpose in helping people (I was a teacher), but now see that I gave myself a sense of self-importance in doing it. So I try not to engage in activities that make me (ego) feel important. I have this idea that I should just let it 'die'. But it does make me feel that everything is rather pointless! Perhaps you have a better answer than mine. Thank you John.

Ok, let's begin.

As you look around at life, is anything more equal than anything else?

Best wishes,
John

[Yaz]

In my mind, everything is equal.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Yaz,

In my mind, everything is equal.

With everything being equal, does nothing matter, or everything matter, or both?

Warm wishes,
John

[Yaz]

Both.

[Yaz]

By the way, John, I realize that it is Sunday, and I very much appreciate your time. Thank you.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Yaz,

Both.

What's the experience of that: to know that nothing matters and everything matters?

Many thanks,
John

p.s. It's a pleasure Yaz, been out chopping wood (really) :) - so glad of the break.

[Yaz]

Its hard to get a 'feel' or experience of it. I tried. I just know it to be the truth because everything matters because it ends with nothing matters, if that makes any sense.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Yaz,

Its hard to get a 'feel' or experience of it. I tried. I just know it to be the truth because everything matters because it ends with nothing matters, if that makes any sense.

What if this was happening at the same time - nothing matters right now - everything matters right now?

Is sequential time real?

Best wishes,
John

[Yaz]

I understand that it is the same thing at the same time, but my mind says something matters only to make me see it doesn't actually matter. Like those LCD cards, when you tilt them, you see a different picture.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Yaz,

Have to shoot off now. Thank you for your time!

Catch up later,
John

[Yaz]

Thanks John! Have a great Sunday and thank you for your questions which I will use in terms of my queries. You are much appreciated.