It’s already present

[Elad]

With you in my heart in all you experience. I support you praying to god whenever your heart feels called to do so. I salute your courage and authenticity in looking at what is really there inside, including acknowledging the pain/depression. And I salute the wisdom heart that discerns the important difference between the intuition that acknowledges all experience, and the defensive voice that denies and minimizes pain/depression (etc).

Regarding depression/pain: We wanna meet it (the pain/depression) with as much love and clarity as possible. Almost as if it is a person we want to get to know. How does she feel? What does she have to tell us when she gets lots of room and stable attention to speak? What does she have to say about past and present life, about her wishes and sorrows? If she had an age(s), what would it be?

Wanna listen very carefully and hear everythig with as much precison and love as possible. I recommend you to ask those questions and journal about them carefully. Give this good time. Let it be as close to the images and details of everyday life (waking up in the morning, what is hard, etc) as possible.

Beside that continue with the general direction of looking "what wants to/is there to be seen with love and clarity now?"

As for "nothing". It sounds like you might be making "nothing" into something (lacking and negative). It is not. As Thich Nhat Hanh beautifully said it "a flower is full of everything except a separate self". So empty doesn't mean empty of life, creativity, love, dreams, personality, etc. It only means empty of a separate self.

As for the fear around nothing, when it comes, just feel it wordlessly, and if intuition says so, also let it speak and get lots of space to be heard and felt, in the same way as with the pain/depression, journalling, etc. With tenderness and ample time.

Love, clarity and precision

[Rega]

I actually didn’t have enough time or the feeling of great patience to do this yesterday - inquire with the pain… I just feel the knot in my stomach, not so willing to open it up. I’ll try again this evening.

Even so, what you said about nothing is important. It released some sort of a mental image of how is it like to be nothing… yesterday it just felt like life is flowing, like I am in the same space as everything else. I’m not really putting it right. But I’m not sure how to put it otherwise. This was important, and I’m looking there now and seeing the same quality.

I’m looking now, anger for the process arises, sadness. Feeling of doubt why am I doing this. This brings a lot of sadness to the surface. I cry every time I look the past week. I see how this is part of the process, but that’s also a thought.

[Elad]

I think it might be most helpful to address what's shared here in session. However feel free to write more here, report, request particular guidance or ask questions.

[Rega]

Hi,

Im not sure what to say. I’m seeing something, it’s very approachable but when I come to write to you i stop. While seeing my head runs like crazy, giving a lot of phrases to what is experienced (something in the Awake spirit). I hear it too, feeling like it’s another dimension of existence in a way.

Having said that, my life is extremely full lately, and running between everything else and this is such a weird experience. It’s good in the way that it releases a lot of fear, because I see I can manage life, but I feel like right now, giving it the space it asks is not really possible. Now I feel like something can be more open, but I have an exam to study for. Anyway, trusting this to come up in the right pace, just weird.

What am I seeing? Something with less illusions. A space.

[Rega]

I feel like we did a good job talking about the ambivalence I have. It’s easier to take responsibility and to know that I want this and choose this. But yet again, I now see that I didn’t write for three days, maybe waiting for you to write or just avoiding. Interesting to look at… but now it feels like it came from me and that’s good.

Thank you

[Rega]

I feel like we did a good job talking about the ambivalence I have. It’s easier to take responsibility and to know that I want this and choose this. But yet again, I now see that I didn’t write for three days, maybe waiting for you to write or just avoiding. Interesting to look at… but now it feels like it came from me and that’s good.

Thank you

[Rega]

I feel like we did a good job talking about the ambivalence I have. It’s easier to take responsibility and to know that I want this and choose this. But yet again, I now see that I didn’t write for three days, maybe waiting for you to write or just avoiding. Interesting to look at… but now it feels like it came from me and that’s good.

Thank you

[Rega]

I feel like we did a good job talking about the ambivalence I have. It’s easier to take responsibility and to know that I want this and choose this. But yet again, I now see that I didn’t write for three days, maybe waiting for you to write or just avoiding. Interesting to look at… but now it feels like it came from me and that’s good.

Thank you

[Rega]

I feel like we did a good job talking about the ambivalence I have. It’s easier to take responsibility and to know that I want this and choose this. But yet again, I now see that I didn’t write for three days, maybe waiting for you to write or just avoiding. Interesting to look at… but now Cfeels like it came from me and that’s good.

Thank you

[Rega]

I feel like we did a good job talking about the ambivalence I have. It’s easier to take responsibility and to know that I want this and choose this. But yet again, I now see that I didn’t write for three days, maybe waiting for you to write or just avoiding. Interesting to look at… but now CB it feels like it came from me and that’s good.

Thank you

[Rega]

I’m not sure why this happened… must be some error on the website🙃🙃

[Elad]

Great.

During normal social activity and work/study, investigate if a separate controlling and efforting agent is needed/found, or if rather, awareness, intelligence, learning, love, creativity flows by itself? Take many *short moments* during any activity, letting go of (imagined) effort and control, and rest as the open awareness-energy that is there by itself. Just split second short moments will do. Is there a need to introduce a separate effort or agent for intelligence to function and activity to happen?

[Rega]

Hey,

I don’t have an answer to the question. When taking these short moments of awareness I just feel something. The only real “hold” I have of it are the tears coming, knowing that it’s the same feeling. Not knowing what to say beyond it or what happens or what does it feel like.

There is hearing of thought more clearly, when taking an action, and this mechanism is the seemed control. I don’t know yet about control, about free choice, right now it’s taking your word saying there is only awareness. It right now feels that writing is happening on its own actually, that on its own doesn’t actually means what I thought it meant, that it is just writing. That it’s ok that it feels like this. That the words heard in the head doesn’t necessarily imply a self. Just this is the experience of life.

[Elad]

Belief that everything is awareness could easily become a belief and hindrance.

"On its own is just writing, not what I thought". Yes!

"The the words in the head don't necessarily imply a self". Look closer at that, do they or don't they?

[Elad]

Also, take more short moments. What is seen, is it really only a feeling? Or are all aspects of experience as it is in that moment actually there? Plus a habit/tendency to emphasize feeling?