I have a pain in my face with Spirituality, I’m going home.

[Elad]

When I do the numbers exercise, it’s like numbers are just sound thoughts, the visual thoughts produced by the brain. I watch them struggle to come up and desolve. I dont feel like I’m thinking them, I’m just watching them come and go.

Good. Is this inquiry with you during the hours of the day when not doing an exercise? If yes, how?

[Truthfull]

I can’t say it is. I’m not looking and questing everything all the time. Outside the exercise life is just happening. I’m not going around saying that visual, that’s a thought, that’s a sound, etc. some parts of the day fell like conditioning us just happening. There is more space to reflect on what’s happening.

[Elad]

I can’t say it is. I’m not looking and questing everything all the time. Outside the exercise life is just happening. I’m not going around saying that visual, that’s a thought, that’s a sound, etc. some parts of the day fell like conditioning us just happening. There is more space to reflect on what’s happening.

Say more about "more space to reflect on what's happening".

[Truthfull]

Well it’s the silence that is just here before everything. Awareness you could call it. I think the practice is to pay attention to it. When I do that thought come to pull attention away from resting as awareness.

[Elad]

Good!

How do thoughts "come to pull attention" ? Investigate this in direct experience, aim to see through beliefs, only what is actually there.


Also, please give some consideration to the topic of Impression management. Impression management is when we (often unconsciously) try to be seen in a particular way, rather than just describe plainly what we observe. It can be to be seen as more wise/insightful then we are, but it can also be to hide our wisdom and heart (for example not to risk that it will be misunderstood). Impression management can be an attempt to control the impression of others, but can also be an attempt to control our own self-impression. This is very normal. Ideally, what you write in this thread should always be plain descriptions of what is observed, without an intention to make things (or impressions, our own or others) go anywhere. It is quite normal and expectable that impression management will be part of the process, and catching it and having the trust, sincerity and courage to shift to plainly describing what is observed, is a key part of the process. We can do impression management for all kinds of reasons. It can be to look better, but can also be because we don't trust we will be understood and treated in skillful and helpful ways, or for many other reasons. Let me know what considering this topic brings up.

[Truthfull]

Hi Elad, when it comes to impression management, you are right. it brought up an immediate judgement inside me. I felt stupid and as if I got something wrong. This impression making is very slippery. I can kind of feel it. I felt like a scolded child. It also link to my sense of seriousness that is part of my outward persona. I think I want to be liked and seen as knowledgable, taken seriously, seen as special, the list goes on. I will try to make time to see it before I respond. I’m doing this now. I notice I want to get the task done and move on. The mind is subtly creeping in to fill a feeling of unease. When I have a few drinks, I’m far more playful, willing to speek freely and even make a fool of myself in this spirit of truth and the search for freedom. There is a belief that you will give me a task and that will wake me up. So let’s get a move on.

We is comes to distracting thoughts. I just noticed that I believe this first thought “just be awareness”. The second (seen) thought says, this is stupid. This gets me back to the original thought believing, just be awareness. Slippery fuckers are these thoughts. There seems to be a feeling of being uncomfortable with just being with what is. A fear, a naked feeling. So I go back to the comfort of thoughts, like a drug addict . I’m also noticing a frustration with just being. I just had a little flash that I am thoughts. I can’t get rid of thought because I (a thought) is thoughts. I’m only here when thoughts are here. As I keep felling the frustration, Thought don’t pull me away from awareness, that’s a thought believed. It feels like I’m thoughts, not awareness. Awareness is something I notice as a silent place. I’m trying to be it, but I’m apart from it in experience.

[Elad]

"Hi Elad, when it comes to impression management, you are right. it brought up an immediate judgement inside me. I felt stupid and as if I got something wrong. This impression making is very slippery. I can kind of feel it. I felt like a scolded child. It also link to my sense of seriousness that is part of my outward persona. I think I want to be liked and seen as knowledgable, taken seriously, seen as special, the list goes on. I will try to make time to see it before I respond. I’m doing this now. I notice I want to get the task done and move on. The mind is subtly creeping in to fill a feeling of unease. When I have a few drinks, I’m far more playful, willing to speek freely and even make a fool of myself in this spirit of truth and the search for freedom."

Really appreciate the sincerity here - this is stuff that awakening is made of. Keep looking with such sincerity and sharing plain and simple what is observed, suspending to habitual pull to be something or achieve something. That is the best that can be done.

That and to keep questioning what is it that is experienced as a self and is it? And keep the exploration as down to earth as possible.

Finally, we might have done this exercise before, but either way, please do it again:

“I” labelling

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?
Let me know how you go and what you notice.

[Elad]

Keep looking with such sincerity and sharing plain and simple what is observed, suspending *the* habitual pull to be something or achieve something.

[Truthfull]

Hi Elad, I did the meeting with with Vince on Sunday night and have been doing some meditations since then on our discussions. I also did the paper exercise and see again that all thoughts are about me mainly. I'm just sitting and feeling the body and the sensations in the body. IT feels very uncomfortable and I'm trying to allow it to just come up. This seem like the think to do for a while.

[Elad]

Hi Elad, I did the meeting with with Vince on Sunday night and have been doing some meditations since then on our discussions. I also did the paper exercise and see again that all thoughts are about me mainly. I'm just sitting and feeling the body and the sensations in the body. IT feels very uncomfortable and I'm trying to allow it to just come up. This seem like the think to do for a while.

I get a good feeling about what you are saying here. Practice that way and write me when you feel ready 💚

[Truthfull]

Hi Elad, still sitting with sensations in the body. It’s softening a bit. Was on again tonight with Vince and the gang. Life is very busy the next 2 weeks so I won’t be on every day. I am doing the work often.🙏🏼

[Elad]

Thank you for the heads-up! Write to me as often as you wish and feel free to ask questions or ask for feedback when you wish. Rooting for you.

[Elad]

Felt like sharing with you I have sense here it's really key in your process to return to your own simple direct experience and your own simple "childlike" innocent language to describe, again and again. Not childlike in the sense of "not emotionally regulated" or "not maturely cooperative" or such. Childlike in the sense of openness, sincerity and simple discovery again again now.

Seeing the difference between that and language that comes from teachings - however wonderful - or past experiences - however powerful - which now can become frames of reference in thinking. Rather then being/discovering in direct experience as is. I think that might be the central extra ingredient to add to your all the practice there has been in your life.

Hope things are moving well. Feel free to share as often or not often as you wish, I think that's appropriate in your process now. Let's aim to keep tailoring it together.

[Truthfull]

Hi Elad,

I’m back. I got a job and collage is completed. Whew 😅
Thanks for the last post. I did attend Vince’s meetings, about 8 of them. It’s a help. I will try to speak as a child as you advise.

So I think I’m still stuck in not finding a self by still believing I am one. I still spend a lot of time worrying about the future. I notice it’s hard to just be. It feels scary and like things will be over if I do that.

Maybe you have a practice to kick things off again.

Thanks
Denis

[Elad]

Hi Denis, congratulations of finishing collage and finding work! Good to hear Vince meetings have been helpful.

Feel the fear and worry and see the thoughts about self emerge and dissolve. And look to what does it all really refer to. These images and thoughts you are worried about, what do they really refer to?

When you find nothing, how is that, what is that? Dont accept mind answers for these questions. Feel, look until a clear shift occurs.