Hi Nic, thanks for the questions!
Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no separate self. There are only sensory experiences with different flavors. Most are quite neutral. Some (especially contractions) come with a sense of preference. But there's no need to make a story out of that. So there are only the sensory experiences and their different flavors.
Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The way I see it is that a sense of self is always created by implication. When there are sensations or thoughts, they sometimes imply that there's an entity in relation to them. Like an owner or doer or receiver. And as long as you do not look closely, the implication is enough to be convincing. But when you look closer then it turns out that there are only the sensory experiences to be found. For some experiences looking closely is easier than for others. Especially when they are unpleasant. Then it's more difficult to stay long and close enough to see through the emptiness of the implication.
How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Before the dialogue there was a long process (several years, actually) where the sense of self became more and more shaky, layer after layer slowly peeling off. It was also very challenging at times with trauma coming up, lot's of shadow work, intense meditation practice... About two months ago, the struggle dropped away when the "struggler" disappeared. This seemed like a good time to make sense of the whole experience and to get support in scanning experience for remains of the struggler. Which brought me here. The last days have been very easy. Before, the struggler mainly used to come up around unpleasant sensations and feelings. Like tiredness, hunger, nervousness, pressure on the chest, etc. But now, all the sensations are still there but without the secondary reaction, without the struggler taking it personally. It feels very present, very in contact with the moment-to-moment banality of life. Yesterday I found myself sitting on the couch, just being present with all the sense impressions, not knowing what to do with this freedom. :D
What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
There have been several moments that have pushed the edge of identification.
- The question about whether I could choose the thoughts to think was fun. I was surprised by how strong a sense of self came up there, "Of course I can!". Which was immediately corrected by reality, of course. :D
- Then there was the question about the experiencer. When I looked there, I felt a bit desperate searching and searching and not finding. But later it clicked that I had it backwards. It may not have been the looking that caused the desperation. But rather a subtle sense of desperation that was in the background that stood in the way of seeing. Having it in the foreground now seemed like a feature, not a bug, revealing a quite notorious layer of self.
- When you asked me to point at the location where "Rolf" is, I realized that I was busy exploring increasingly subtle qualities of sensory experience. Taking a step back from there to see the big picture again made it very obvious how - on that level of analysis - there's no doubt about the illusionary nature of the self.
- And in general it helped me to give written answers. Because it forced me to slow down and be thorough enough in my investigations until the answer is precise enough. Without the writing, it's easier to rush through things...
Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Getting out of bed or getting out of the shower are typical moments of "decision" for me. And it's almost comical to watch and wait for the moment when the decision is finally going to happen. Because until it happens, I have no clue when it will be. :D
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
I feel intention mostly in the form of "intending to make the best out of a situation", recently. It's a bit like watching a landscape with a soft, loving gaze. Without "me" standing out of the picture, just the whole scene. I think that has made me a much more kind and helpful colleague recently, because personal agendas are far more in the background.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
The whole idea of free will has stopped making sense to me a long long time ago.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
With choice it's similar like described above. First, the idea of different options to choose from are just thoughts anyways. But these thoughts often come with different, more or less pleasant sensations in the body. As an example from recent experience I'm thinking of a group of people deciding where the get lunch. There are options as thoughts, bodily reactions, and in the end the whole situation moving forward into some direction or another. There's not really a choice in there. At least not in the narrow sense of free will.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Here's a very recent example about the sense of control. I just got a rejection letter in an application process that was dear to me. The reaction was magnitudes smoother than it would have been a short while ago. There were some (productive) thoughts about what to do differently next time. There were some feelings of disappointment and regret that did not stick, just passed through. There was no sense of control about the overall situation to be violated by the rejection. There was just a sense of control in how to use attention skillfully in this situation. And even that passed quickly (~30min) because controlling attention also didn't work out. ;)
What makes things happen? How does it work?
I don't know! :D
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I used to feel a lot of personal responsibility. Like feeling responsible that everyone is happy in a given situation. Or that work results are always great. And these are still great goals to aim for. But as I described above, when a given situation is more like an integrated whole without the "me" sticking out too prominently from the scene, then the conventional sense of responsibility that often became a burden can relax. That has been my experience recently.
Anything to add?
Thanks a lot for your guidance! I found it really helpful to do these questions in written form and in a loop with someone. And I was looking forward every day to your new post! :)
Warmly,
Rolf
