Now or Never

[Ingrid]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sense if self...In that particular instance I was strictly the seeing . The arm and body that I was seeing was not "me". It was just an it.

This was a knowing. Not a thought.

Mostly awareness and body seem as one unit. Not in that moment.

I understand that there is no person, just awareness and this body/mind. But awareness has travelled around with this body for many years. There is an intimacy with how it reacts. How it walks. How sensitive it is. The "personality" of it. I would say that in the moment it was nice to not need to remind myself that it was not 'ME".

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Tell me about suffering.

[Ingrid]

Hahahah. That is a great question. Like tell me about the history of America in a paragraph.

Suffering is self created shit. Mind create shit. Physical pain is one thing. A sensation.

Emotional suffering. Thoughts, upon memories, upon ideas about what we think should happen. Mostly nonsense. Stuff that I think we could switch off in an instant if we wanted to .

I remember suffering. I haven't felt anything approaching suffering in a long time. Not sure if I have lost the capacity or if I have just not found a circumstance worthy of suffering.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Good. Let's look at where suffering supposedly takes place.

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes'
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
ln the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
ls there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
ls there a boundary between the body and the chair?
ls there an inside or an outside?
lf there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
lf there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?
What does the word/label 'body' ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?
Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don't rush' You can look
several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering, having a
short break from work, walking, etc. before replying'

[Ingrid]

I will take some time with the excercise today, but I had a thought on suffering.

Remembering back to mu deepest suffering, there were many thoughts associated with it. But I seem to remember that there was a physical ache as well. A contraction in my throat and chest. It is years ago now so I can't really get deeply in to it. At the time I felt as if it were impossible to do a thing about the physical pain, however; I wonder now if the pain was a direct result of thought and totally in my own control.

[Ingrid]

Laying quietly and examining sensations in the body.....

There is no sense of size unless I reference thought.
There isn't actually a sense of a border unless I reference items that are touching the body. Pants tugging a bit. The cuff of my shirt. The sofa supporting me from behind. Mostly the sense of body comes in reference to other things.
There really is no sense of inside or outside just isness.
When I am thinking of the things you asked me to be aware of ....I am aware of my eyes moving. As if they are searching around somewhere inside my head for an answer. Perhaps a vestige of vision because my eyes are closed.
Not sure why but the head seems to have an inside and outside but the body only in reference to clothing. For example- My shirt is outside of my body. If I went by felt sense only....I can only say that my shirt touches me.
I would say that for most of my life I have felt uncomfortable in my body. As if I just can't relax"inside" it. Many times I have had a sense of my hands having been inflated like balloons. That hasn't happened in a while but it is not a good feeling. I suppose you would call it body dysmorphia.
I looked for that feeling today. It is a contraction. Once I became aware of the contraction and it released.....the discomfort eased.
I would say that at this point in my life I reference the awareness of the body as "me". And the body and its sensations as.....well, just the body and its sensations. But it isn't an automatic thing. I need to continually put my attenion on awareness and not get drawn into the body sensations.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Sit outside during the daylight.
Look at some distant object with the sky behind it.
Imagine that there is no depth or distance. (Since there isn't.)
Now imagine that that distant scene is immediately in front of you as on a giant screen.
Stay focused on that closeness as long as possible.
Repeat often.