xicadelliberation

[Elad]

Ps. For the hands on legs exercise, if a hand lifts quick, keep going same way for the full time duration, mark on paper how many times a hand lifts.

[xicadel]

Elad,

I so appreciate all of the last exercises and suggestions. Thank you for all of the time you are putting to this! I stuck with the "choosing a number" and keying in to the "who or what is deciding" part. Fundamental. Underneath any trained focus or concentration. I am unable to locate a doer or mover or origin of the deciding.

I will attempt the other suggestions (or at least one of them) tomorrow. Sorry, a demanding emotional day here... interesting that when I examine my emotional upheavals to see the origin or beginning, I can see a similar dynamic as with thoughts: at what point do they arise? At what point do I notice them? Do I control them, do I decide about them, do I steer them? It almost seems silly to claim I do (beyond a superficial layer of "control" - which seems really to be a professional level ability to distract myself :))

More tomorrow.

[Elad]

Beautiful! Yes, keep at that, you are on the target...

[xicadel]

Hello. I slept well, got up early, took on the mind labeling activity. Super interesting.

1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?

Just noting "hearing crickets" (vs "I am hearing crickets") felt closer to the experience. Using "I" had a feel of watching a movie, a distance. I don't know if one experience is "truer" but they had different qualities.

2. What is here without labels?

Experience. Sensations, emotions. Also thoughts.

3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?

I def felt the labeling effected the experience.

4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

This was the most interesting part. After awhile labeling with "I" I noticed some tiredness. Right away it felt tedious, slightly heavy in my body. It also felt more in the top most part of my body (my head). Slower also. Uninteresting after a bit.
Without "I" my body felt slightly more alert, more alive. I noticed more of my internal chest/stomach area and felt stiller, calmer. As my attention both relaxed and yet became more alert and went slightly away from the exact physical surface of my body, the experience felt more spacious, as if there was more room to notice more. It was more interesting than using "I."

This activity helped me understand something about how "I" can constrict experience. I knew words and thoughts can do that, but had never experienced the "I" that way before. Really informative.

[Elad]

Great work! Now in continuation of your observation of felt sense difference, say out laud several times these two sentences and report how the felt sense unfolds with each one:

1) "The labels Xica, I, me, the controller, can be found in actual experience"

2) "The labels Xica, I, me, the controller, cannot be found in actual experience, except as labels"

While saying out loud each one several time be still and look and feel.

Report what is seen and felt in response.

[xicadel]

hmmmm, I don't get a lot out of this speaking out loud exercise. My body didn't respond much to either one. The first phrase my body felt slightly more tense. The very first time I said it aloud it felt slightly startling. The second phrase, my body felt slightly more relaxed. Maybe if someone else had spoken the phrases to me it would have had more impact. I sometimes see how things feel "in my mouth" (true/ not true) when I say them and neither had much feeling (true, not true) in my mouth. I like these exercises however, they are intriguing. I feel each one moves my perception ever so slightly away from "I" as where I locate my awareness.

[Elad]

All right :) Awaiting your report on the hands on laps exercise!

[xicadel]

Elad, I am hesitant to write all this as I hope it does not feel critical (it is not critical of you or of the process). Yet, I must write it because it is my experience:

The hands on lap exercise was uninteresting. (Three minutes was a long time to do this!) What changed over 3 minutes? I became aware of the weird imprecise gaps between willing something to happen ("choosing") and the moment *before* choosing which is empty and then it actually happening (moving my hand). I could feel the not knowing as I examined what was determining my hand moving- not knowing the moment of decision, until it has already happened (until I already made the decision). I was aware of the boredom that preceded the urge to decide, to make something happen. That was interesting to me (in as much as boredom can be interesting!!!) Maybe it is also accurate to say I became aware of my drive to make things happen. Where does that drive originate? Who is actually driven? What part of me wants to make something happen? What part of me experiences what I interpret as boredom? I am not expecting you to answer of course, just wondering...

[Elad]

Hi Xica, the honestly is good. Boredom, frustration, judgemental thoughts and "worse" often comes up close to major insight. The illusion maintains itself in this way, until it doesn't, "I know what is going on, I need to insert myself, I fail, I succeed, I doubt, this is my way, I am above this, etc.".

For the next day:

1) As much as your heart is in this and your time permits, sit facing a wall, let all unfold by itself and let what is seen by itself be seen by itself (as if it could be different). At the same time attend to: What is controlling all this, including "the so-called inner voice", is there any separate doer/controller/self/Xica?

2) Write a loving goodbye letter to the illusion of Xica, the separate self, the controller. Let it be as genuine and heartful as possible. Don't censor or edit. Send it to me.

Looking forward to hear you.
Elad

[xicadel]

Hi Elad,

Thanks for the reminder that so-called negative feelings are indicators, not bad in themselves.

I'll do this meditation facing a wall (familiar with this from the zendo) when I can. I would like to fit it in over the next week so I can devote some time to it I have several extremely busy days (work, travel) so I suspect I cannot get it it until Friday Sept 1 (your Sept 2 I think?). Sept 1-9 will be good days for me to ponder the letter and write it. I'll be visiting my mom who in the last 6 months has declined much deeper into dementia and is in a facility now. Based on the last few visits it will be very emotional for me, and also a lot to manage (her medical, legal, material, financial affairs). So, it is actually a very good time for me to see how little I control, even though I want to think I do!!! I've been surfing tons of fear, anxiety, and grief ... all of which to say, this process here of seeing the illusion of control is important to me. In the last 6 months I've learned so much about letting go, and this process is bringing the illusion of self as mover/controller/mastermind into view. I've seen that in the last 6 months - after all no one controls death and decline! but this is a different level.
So, I want to take my time. My priority in the next week or so is being with my mom while she still recognizes me. I want her to know I am with her and love her.
I will def be in the process you are guiding, and in touch as I can, but perhaps not daily for the next ten days.

[Elad]

Hi Xica,

Your priority sounds very heartful and healthy to me. Yes. If you feel like it, during this period read the book "Gateless Gatecrashers" which is available for free here on the site (look for resources). And just be open to see the reactions that come on every level, and their nature of happening without any controller/chooser. Feel free to spontaneously write as you wish. I am imagining you with your mom, and a sense of tenderness and care emerges, with the best wishes for both of you and your time together.

With warmth,
Elad

[xicadel]

Thank you for the warm, lovely reply.
Even imagining writing the loving goodbye letter to the illusion of Xica brings up a lot of emotion. Sadness, anger, resistance and also relief. Wow. This is all fascinating. I had a great talk with a friend tonight who made some beautiful connections between the illusion of separate self/controller/doer and novelty. Where does novelty come from? I certainly can't make it happen. Something clicked in with that connection and I felt I saw a much bigger picture.
Again, thank you for your attention and I will continue to be in touch as I can.

[Elad]

This is just beautiful Xica, all of it. The connection you made about novelty and creativity is poignant. Yes, keep touching space as seems right and helpful.

[xicadel]

Hi Elad,
I have read a few chapters of the book (before I began this engagement) and will continue.
Thank you for your sweet words about my time with my mom. It is with her I feel most that I am in the exact present (as she is, because of her dementia) and that the exact presence exists between us. Kind of timeless. Maybe that is fantasy, maybe it is because I am her daughter and we love each other, maybe it is the altered state of grief. I don’t know. But it feels tangible to me that when I am with her that there is less “me” and more a field of love. Her self is slipping away, so it seems to be showing me the way to letting go of many things, including my illusion of self. Our best moments together are when I take her outside to feel the sunshine on our faces and we just sit, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine.
In my spacious moments alone, I consider writing this letter of goodbye to the illusion of Xica and so much comes in that surprises me. This morning I have a beautiful morning of cool breeze and warm sunshine and a house to myself, blasting music and dancing. It feels good to be alone, it feels glorious! Such a surprise to realize just how much I enjoy my life and this illusion of separateness. What will I gain if I say goodbye to the illusion? Will anything change? I am scared that I will not have that enjoyment. Scared to let go of the “me” that has been built for 57 years. It has not come to me easily…. So, am I supposed to trust that the process will bring me joy and satisfaction? What is that kernel of distrust lodged in me? Xica wants to live! Xica wants to revel in all the pleasures of daily life. Even imagining this exercise, I see the way my perspective has been “me” almost every second of my life. For a brief second this morning, I felt a shift to a view outside of “my self”… I was looking at a vase of flowers on my counter and for a second the view was somewhere between me and the flowers, in the sunshine itself. It felt like a small shift, not totally unfamiliar, but also surprising.
It seems to me that if I am even asking these questions of “What’s in it for me?” I am pushing away the possibility of nonduality. I dunno. I don’t really need to analyze the process (except that it is so fun to analyze it and write about it!). It’ll happen as it happens. It is nice to be able to write to you about the process and feel there is a landing place for my words.

[Elad]

Hi Xica,

Very good, the process is flowing. Thank you for the poignant and genuine sharing about your time with your mom and the moments alone and the love for and raveling in the pleasures of life. All that is beautiful. I would not encourage anything that goes against that.

Seeing through the separate self/doer will not make any of that go away, not even the illusion of aa separate self. It will only be clear what is what. That you enjoy life, enjoy what is enjoyable, yes, that is a core aspect of liberation.

Please write free flow about what you mean with that "you are enjoying the illusion of separateness"?

Nothing wrong in enjoying good fiction ;)

Elad