Some guidance would be much appreciated. Thanks!

[MerlinC]

It must at least be becoming manageable if you can face it. the mind will say anything that it believes will fix what it perceives as a problem but awareness can sit with it and its that recognition that you are apart from thoughts emotions and physical symptoms that show us they can come and go within our truth. much like bird watching in a sense but more emotional. every time we are present to these conflicts it makes us a little more braver then the last to look at these things. even the fear of confronting starts to dim and disappear and we may not like even that thought but we start to get a taste for the gifts awareness gives us and we want more inner space and more peace but those things are gate keeped as long as were not willing to be courage's enough to watch them. Here's a pretty cool video of the great teacher Mooji talking about just this thing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrvPCl ... ningBridge

[01Brianna]

Thanks, that’s a good video from Mooji. I’ve been listening to Mooji for a few years now but never seen that one before. Angelo Dilullo and Rupert Spira have some good ones on fear too.

I’m back in the frustration now, the feeling of swinging back and forth between being aware of awareness and then forgetting again. And also awareness of my body followed by distraction from sensation.

[MerlinC]

Can you focus on the fustration deeper, can you see the story unfold with its emotional charge? Be there to unfold. Get the sense of the fustration, the color the texture. Whats it feel like, milk that cow dry lol

[01Brianna]

The frustration got less and less and an acceptance and welcoming has come. Feelings are arising and dissipating on their own.

[MerlinC]

have you found piece with that memory sometimes theirs another layer but often times its on its own.

[01Brianna]

I’m not sure which memory you mean. I think everything I’ve mentioned so far has worked it’s way through. But I’m on to a new issue 🤣. I’m feeling my solar plexus and throat are constricted, there is a lot of fear and something else I can’t define.

[MerlinC]

I assumed it was from a memory so its just sensations you are finding in your inner space, are you noticing any story with them?

[01Brianna]

Yes, sorry, I just didn’t know which one you were referring to. I’ve been following the thread of numerous feelings over the last few days. Each one starts with a physical sensation, then usually a thought label as an emotional type of feeling, then when I just stay in awareness and let the thé thought and sensation be there are more thoughts which do link back to memories as you say, yes. Eventually the sensations get less and dissipate completely. Soon to be replaced by a new sensation and label.

The current one is quite complex. The sensation was in response to an email I received. The sender is telling their story (with some very serious allegations in it) and it is different to the story they told me before, and the one I observed (to a limited extent). I actually feel sick. I remember raising similar discrepancies with them in a group. I remember how they reacted and how I felt. My stomach is churning, the label is fear. There is a thought about how they missed my name off the list when they sent the email to the group and what that might mean. Fear of them retaliating after I raised an issue. Fear of not knowing the right action for me to take going forward. To speak out or not to speak out.

Sensations in solar plexus and throat. Heart pounding. Difficulty breathing. Confused and conflicted thinking. Thoughts about how I felt like this as a child with my mother. Divided loyalties. Not knowing how to do the right thing.

[MerlinC]

Who would stay as awareness or have that ability?

[01Brianna]

No one can stay as awareness, awareness is always aware because that’s what it is. It seems like I’m doing something to get back to awareness, in order to be aware of experiencing, but really I am ‘not doing’, ie not identifying with experiencing. So the next thing is, I desperately want to be not identifying with experiencing permanently, instead of intermittently as it is at the moment.

[MerlinC]

To abide as the self you must cut out distractions from yourself which is kinda getting hard for us living in the tech age. Youve spent time digesting what you been through the only thing now is to keep it up. Go for walks, meditate, anytime you spend with yourself you are dealing with yourself and thats the healing process. See their is a very human side to this spiritual stuff nobody talks about and that is that We've been hurt. Alot of this stuff is a wild goose chase. Allot of people need time to mourn but shovel tv or Internet down their throuts instead because feelings are uncomfortable. They call it purifying but its really healing. Imagine how far you've come in your process. Things must have been super confusing and extremely painful. Do you find that things have gotten better?

[01Brianna]

Yes, things are getting much better. There is less unnecessary suffering and more clarity.

[MerlinC]

Good, how goes the battle with the fears and divided loyalty?

[01Brianna]

The fear has gone and I will have to deal with the people concerned as the situations crop up, in the moment. I’m not worried about it any more.

I’m spending quite a lot of time meditating and staying with what comes up. It seems to be just flowing through me.

[MerlinC]

Cooler heads prevailed, it would be nice if the world would start meditating Wouldn't it? A more logical approach to problems would work better then reacting in any situation. Have you tryed to meditate with the lights off before? The gurus had caves but today we have sensory depervation tanks, have you ever been in one?