Hi Vince,
What are the stories?
If we examine this, we find that this restlessness has foundation stories that it is built on. Assumptions.
Can you list those that occur as you contemplate what conditions are necessary to even think about future...?
Had to sit with this for a bit.The foundation stories(a lot of them) are non verbal,when thoughts appear regarding needing to know near future events or what can also be called expectation or anticipation they are cyclical in nature,then on closer examination,they engage the feeling/sensation for a need of safety, then safety downloaded to fear,fear of survival of the body.
This fear was in the childs environment,feeling or picking up other peoples projected fears and pain .This fear and confusion may have been instilled in the child.In a sense many feelings /sensations that come up aren't even "mine" originally.The feeling/sensations were around mini "me" and not always directed at her but most likely they were directed to her as well,even if there is no concious memory of some of the experiences/stories that occurred.
I do recall events but there is no feeling attached to them when I refer to them currently,they are just stories.They may have been deemed wrong to the mind complex and hidden or numbed.
Strong safety/fear feeling/sensations arise when current thoughts(expectation) arise,but not from recalling a past experience.In other words the safety/fear feeling/sensations arise after the thought of a near future event arises.These thoughts are identified with and then ( possibly ) unexpressed or unreleased feelings/sensations from the past arise.Which the body then responds to as a signal that action or flight is required.I sit with these sensations.
I can say as a list:
A mother with paranoia,deep fear of the future,deep regrets of the past,lack of empathy for others,overwhelmed,grieving,very angry,abusive,some love at times but most of it was transactional
A father who was later diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and was very cynical and down trodden about the world.Never trust anyone was his motto.It's a dog eat dog world,he used to say.Ha ,I used to think he was saying "it's a doggie dog world" which I thought at the time sounded nice as I liked dogs.
So no need to go into all the stories as it is quite long....
So sensations in the body appear to be realeasing big time currently and I am sitting with them quite often.It's appreciated that they are appearing.
There is also attachment to certain people that brings on comfort/safety/fear.I see it and I sit with the sensations........and then the paradox thought...doership arises....This thought "One should hold boundaries,express and act on these boundries when others aren't holding or respecting ones boundries".I have heard this idea many times in some of the fetter work to do this boundary action.This feels like it contadicts the non-doer or the what is is ..the doubt seed appears.The take a thorn to remove a thorn and then throw that thorn away.. ...yes useful thought...but it feels like a belief in a contoller doer and doesn't sit right.....I do hold most pointers lightly and they are extremely useful but this boundry thing feels more like efforting or striving.Of course there are natural boundaries we don't need to think about but boundaries when interacting with certain "others"? Monitor ones responses?
Thank you!
love
Judi
