Dear Delphi,
I do not take your beautiful words lightly. Your warmth, sincerity and openness is well received and welcome. The intention is never to dismiss the depth of your expression and experience. I really do hear you, and can relate to you.
It is however important that you see the necessity of the "Zen stick": we can either grasp at the same old stories, or we can perceive differently. We need stillness. Sometimes, the shock of rejecting the temptation to engage with old stories becomes the passage to clear seeing.
My goal is to walk you through the Gate, and there are some things that must be kept aside for just a little while to do that. ❤️ Pointers work best when we report exactly & precisely what we SEE, unadulterated by thought content.
When it does of late however it seems so much stronger in contrast to my usual sense of peace. I have been much more obviously aware of this and is why I am here.
I understand.
I certainly reread my past answers to your questions and understand their intellectual content but my life is experienced on many levels. I sometimes feel that many people want to deny the self because they don't want to deal honestly with their trauma or pain. I don't want to do this here.
Yes. Indeed it is not uncommon to come across denial of self rooted in the premise that one is sick of living with the self, and not on having SEEN the absence of self.
"Level confusion" is a term that might be helpful. Right now, we are focused on the absolute level. On a relative level, pain holds meaning, and we will learn from it and integrate it.
Great LOOKING on the exercise!
In direct experience without refering to myself there is immediacy and ease when I refer to myself the intimacy is lost and a sense of contraction is felt.
Wonderful. The sense of contraction you feel is the "lie feeling".
Lets get more familiar with it:
Here is how to distinguish truth from lies.
We often lie every day & don't realize it.
For example, the grocery clerk asks, "How are you?" You reply, "I'm fine." While, yes, there is a sense in which we are always fine, even in the middle of suffering, but at that moment, lets say you were grieving the death of your dog, you had a slight sore throat & you had a headache, but you didn't feel like sharing all of that with the grocery clerk, so you lied, "I'm fine."
Also, it matters none at all how "distant" the remembered lie is. Besides the fact that time itself is fictional, a kind of lie, as we recall the lie it becomes present in this moment, as if it were happening now. This brings the body sensation that accompanies lying.
Lies can be intentional or unintentional, conscious or unconscious, even so automatic that we ourselves are fooled.
The story of a separate "self" is a lie.
This is the lie you came here to see through. Therefore, it is helpful to notice the body sensation of lying as one of the tools for finding the truth of no self.
You want to be in touch with body sensations & able to clearly express them in words. This will help.
Lies are usually felt in the heart or solar plexus as a contraction that we may label as tight, heavy or tense.
In contrast, truth is usually expansive. We may call it loose, light or relaxed.
First, can you remember a time when you lied to someone you loved?
Here we count anything, lies we think of as "big" or "small" that "matter" or don't "matter."
How are you? I'm fine. No, your knee hurts, but you don't feel like discussing it with the grocery clerk.
It's a lie. A seemingly "bigger" one will work better for this exercise.
Find the lie. I don't need the whole story, just a few key words to refer to it.
Then scan your body for any Sensation (DE or Direct Experience), particularly in the gut or maybe the heart. Check very closely.
What is found?
If you think the memory you used wasn't clear enough, find another one or lie to yourself right now, make something up.
1 + 1 = 14 is a lie.
I love eating worms is (probably) a lie.
Or call up a video of a lying politician & notice what sensations arise as you listen.
Here's a clue: it is not the sensation you felt when you omitted the "I" in the previous exercise.
Please report back with what body sensations (not interpretations) you feel. Bodies can feel hot or cold, heavy or light, contraction or expansion, etc.
"Peaceful" is an interpretation of a body sensation, not the sensation itself, for example.
Do you see that?
Loving,
Ankita
