Dear Lubo,
Here are my responses to these questions:
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there isn’t a separate self anywhere and there never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
This illusion is created through stories told to us beginning in very early childhood. We are taught to identify with the body, thoughts and feelings and told that they are “me”.
Thoughts appear as a narrator in our head, speaking in our own voice, telling the story of who we are, what we believe and what everything around us is and means. Thoughts become self-referential - "this is me, these are my thoughts, I believe these thoughts, I am the thinker, I am my thoughts". It becomes a tangled maze of thoughts reflecting on more thoughts. The illusion becomes very convincing because the body responds to these thoughts with corresponding sensations. These sensations bring the thoughts to life and create a unique experience that feels like a separate self living in time and space, disconnected from everything around it.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There was an incredible sense of relief and freedom and the body relaxed deeply. Experience is more vivid and direct, expanded, interconnected, and impersonal. Thoughts and feelings come up, but they just pass by - nothing is grasping at them, believing in them, or identifying with them.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Knowing that Lubo was here supporting me helped me look more deeply and honestly than I had ever done before. It was so helpful to have a guide and friend on this path.
At one point after weeks of direct looking, I went deeper than usual and explored everything I didn’t want to look at, particularly fear, resistance, and doubt. Even though the experience was intense, I let everything come up and be exactly as it was, without trying to change or avoid anything, no matter how uncomfortable. I became completely focused on direct experience, feelings, and thoughts and saw clearly how the illusion had been created. There was a huge physical release and an ongoing experience of expansion and presence.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Decision, intention, free will and choice are all thoughts/beliefs/illusions created by the mind. They seem to maintain a feeling of safety, predictability, and control. Believing you are a separate, vulnerable, self, alone in this chaotic world is extremely scary, and so the mind creates the illusion of control to provide a sense of safety and certainty.
For example, I recently moved to the country. The thought was “I don't enjoy living in the noisy city so I have decided to move to the country”. This makes me feel like I have some agency and control. But, when I look, there is nobody actually making this decision and there was no decision point. The truth is that for some reason, this body is sensitive to noise and pollution and feels more relaxed in nature. An opportunity arose to move to the country, and there was a strong pull towards it. Life simply moved me to the country. The separate self will say “I decided to move” in order to feel in control and make sense of life. There is no decision, there is no self making the decision, there is simply life happening.
Free will assumes that we are a separate entity that can control and create something independent of everything. The sense now is that everything is completely interconnected and interdependent. If there was a self who actually had free will, it would choose to have beautiful thoughts and feelings forever. Life clearly has other plans! :)
What makes things happen? How does it work?
I have no idea how life works! It’s a beautiful mystery. It feels like life is experiencing itself thought the body and mind.
What are you responsible for?
Hmm, this is an interesting question. It appears that I am responsible for my actions but there is no separate I that is taking action or responsible. Life is simply happening through this body and mind, including actions, responsibility and consequences.
6) Anything to add?
It is a beautiful and freeing experience to see through an illusion which was so convincing and so limiting. I am ever grateful to Lubo for his guiding, humour, and constant reminders of how simple this is.
Please let me know if there is anything I can clarify.
With love and gratitude,
Valli
