TRUTH REALIZING. WOULD LIKE TO WORK WITH ILONA

[Jenny]

I have really looked at the identification and found, yes, it can happen but to whom? It is just also happening. Who does not like identification? The idea of a me, so this was clearly seen and now there is a lot of joy. If there is no me behind identification......then? does it matter? does it matter that the illusion is believed at a moment, if there is no me? Nothing really matters to "that". It is just to be seen and seen over and over again. Thanks for this one. It really feels very freeing.
All love,

Jenny

[Ilona]

Wonderful. Yes, identification or not is just happening. To no one, as this.
How does it feel to see this, in more detail please.
Do you exist?

:)

[Jenny]

No, I do not exist or never existed. And there is not gate to cross. Who would cross and what would be crossed?
How do I feel? When I look I feel free. But the experience varies. Yesterday I felt very free in seeing there was nobody to identify. This morning there was an identification. There was a deep pain of not having a huge shift or of being immersed in love all the time! So the identification was questioned but had to go through the pain. Maybe it was not possible to really see it and it would not dissolve immediately, then the pain was felt and then again the experience changed to openness and love. The mayority of the time I am experiencing the void. Could I say I feel the void? No. If I look there is nobody here.Who is experiencing the void? The void is aware of itself. But still Ilona, in truly describing this, it feels as if there was an experiencer. So again and again it needs to be looked at. Are there deeper layers of illusion that need to be seen? It is as if the illusion of an experiencer shows up in a subtle way and needs to be looked at and looked at. I can also see right now the idea of a me that wants to be "more free" creeping in. And again and again there is no me and nowhere to go. Just openness to this present moment.You know how it feels? As if there is a lot of pain waiting to be felt about letting go the illusion there is something more.
I hope with this I am ansewering the question about how I feel.
All love,

[Ilona]

Hmmm, let the pain rip. let it out. The love and peace forever is a nice fairy tale. Life goes in as it did and feelings come up to be felt and released. Such is being a human.

Seeing through illusion of separate entity 'me' is a beginning of deconstruction of belief system. It may take years to settle in. It's an ongoing process. So feel that pain of disappointment that this does not give you eternal love and piece. Feel it fully, look, what is behind it. Is it your pain?

Wrote what comes up.
Much love.

[Jenny]

Dear Ilona, Now everything is showing up:
I can see clearly how I have been holding to an idea of a me achieving some spiritual greatness, how much desired has been the suppossed goodies of an awakening like eternal love and peace, how much I have desired that instead of the pure truth, and how this supposed greatness of a me has been there to compensate a suppossed me that is not happy with itself and to cover depressive feelings underneath.
This morning I have just been with the feelings included desperation of these illusions being seriously questioned.
Yes, I see all this, and now I can see what has been the resistance to let go the believing of the idea of a me. I also can see that all this is just happening. Incredible! When I say it, it provokes pain! How much adoration and reverence there has been to this me! It feels like such an enormous investment in this me!
Right now I am with all this,
Much love and gratitude,
Jenny

[Ilona]

Great, I can see that illusion is crumbling and the purging is part of disillusionment process. That comes with pain and sometimes even physical weakness. It is great to bash through the wall of ignorance with honesty. It's just happening. Yes. And no one is here to gain anything. Just loose all those precious images of invented self. The enlightened me image is a difficult one to let go.
Let it go.

You do not need to substitute reality with images. Reality is much kinder than that. It is silent and peaceful, until thoughts are not believed. If we start to take ideas seriously, the holding on happens.

Ok, look at Jenny as a character. Can you see how beautiful she is? Don't you just love the story of her? Can you see her? You can love the story and know its fiction.
What do you see when looking at Jenny?

Sending love.

[Jenny]

Dear Ilona:

It is impressive you mentioned the physical weakness because that is exactly what this body is going through. This physical weakness comes with pain and even a depressive feelings that seems underneath all the rest. It seems as every single activity in life has been done to cover this depressive feeling. So the personality structure constructed over that seems crumbling. It is seen that all the ideas of spiritual greatness, (my dad was announced before I was born that an evolved soul was going to be born as his daughter, what a story!) have been here to cover this depressive feelings. And also I have always liked the teachers who talk about the Self being love and beauty and it is like that has always been the hope to compensate this depressive feelings..
Now as much as I can I have been embracing this depressive feelings and right now I can see them with big compassion. I can see so clearly now why I have not let go the illusion of this me who is supposedly going to achieve spiritual greatness! but I will keep experiencing the depressive feelings and the pain meanwhile it is here. It feels really convulsed. Crumbling, and this is what I have wanted.
About the character, yes the character I can love and I can love much the story, huge fantastic story! Yes , i can see how much fiction the story is. What do I see when I look at Jenny? Right now I see all this layers: the pain, the depressive feelings underneath, her compensation on achieving something great someday though the spiritual and the compensation too when helping others as a therapist and being a "knowlegable" women, with a lot of 'truths' about life. Any pretension in this character causes a little of repulsion right now, but its not with the character but with pretension itself.
More and more I want to know reality and let this illusion go. More and more from the bottom of my heart I want to enter this non existent door of reality and leave behind this fiction game. I am seeing right now as the games children play. Pretending to being different characters, or pretending playing dramas. But when really wanting, we can return home to nothingness and to reality. ( Hope this is not another romantic prolongation of a character into reality) I am going to watch that too. But the inner longing for this is being felt very very strongly. Right now tears are coming out of my eyes about this.
All love and many thanks,
Jenny

[Ilona]

Dear Jenny,
Hope the spell of feeling week and sad has came to and end. If not, keep with it, allowing to experience it deeply without reservation.

Write to me what you are noticing.
Look at Jenny again, what do you see today? Does the fictional story really matter? What are you with no story?
What is here with no story?

Sending love and a hug.

[Jenny]

Dear Ilona:

The sadness and weakness changed yesterday dramatically after writing to you.
At the end of writing to you the longing to be in reality and "home" became very strong and very felt. Suddenly I was identifying with someone getting home and being united. It feels this is very close but of course I am seeing the trick of the illusion that does not want to let go and just continues imagining and imagined jenny entering somewhere. and I can also sense the drama of the story and there is a certain pleasure in the story.
Is it possible to watch and identify at the same time? It feels like this. It is like the character believing and wanting to survive and having the hope it will survive and that at the same time being watched. Feel also love and compassion for it and there is another reaction: so difficult to let go!!!!! That is being watched too. And part feels nothing and knows its nothing.
The fictional story is here and there is really a great love for it. Yes, at a level it does not matter at all. It is just part of what is happening. Nevertheless I also watch a desire to believe it and not let go completely. It seems still dangerous to let go completely!!! (Sorry to be so slow!, which I know is at the same time the fictional story! So it is as if the two things at happening at the same time, and there is also a change from an identification to a seeing reality in any minute. Identification even if its seen it does not matter, it feels still strong.
Your last question: What is here with no story? the beauty of reality and the presence and awareness of the present moment. The silence, and the openness of the heart.
I will keep watching and asking myself does it really matter?
Much love,
Jenny

[Ilona]

. It feels this is very close but of course I am seeing the trick of the illusion that does not want to let go and just continues imagining and imagined jenny entering somewhere.

Ok, stop imagining for a minute and see that there is only home, nowhere to get, this here now is IT. Imagining can be fun, but it is not necessary, and once you get sucked into the stories, notice what is here.

What is identification? How do you experience it and what happens in the body? Can you describe? Is this 'identification' a label for a certain sensations? What are they without this label?

SENDING LOVE.

[Jenny]

Yes, when not imagining anything, there is only here and this is home.
And identification is just sensations that when not labeled are just sensations, energy, like any other movement in form. No meaning.
Much love,
Jenny

[Jenny]

Yes, it is time to stop.

[Ilona]

Ready for final questions? Can you confirm that the line has been crossed?

[Jenny]

This is what I am aware of:
1) the me is an ilussion, it is just an idea and so it does not exist.
2) the me is very conditioned so it seems to exist and continues appearing.
3) there is no sense in paying attention to the desires in following any desire or idea of thought because it does not take anywhere.
4) I have seen that any desire of thought needs to just be experienced in the present moment and just that.
5) In the oppening of the present moment everything is (including any desire of thought)
6) awareness and oppennes is the same
7) everything is happening: awareness and thoughts.
Sometimes a desire for "more" is experienced but there is no more desire to follow it,but just be with it in the present moment.
If this can be called crossing the line, then yes, if not, then no.
All love,
Jenny

[Ilona]

Close. Very close. Still your post sounds a bit intellectual, rather then description of what you see. You say everything is happening: awareness and thought. As if there is something there that is in between awareness and thoughts. Can you look deeper, tell me what is the relationship between awareness and thoughts?

Also- the me is very conditioned. The me is a thought. Can a thought get conditioned? Or is it part of programming language?


What we are looking here at is one question only, the rest gets clearer once the the main question resolves. Is there a self, was there ever? If not, what is going on, if yes, give me a proof from your experience.

Much love