I went through the 1st step of 7-Steps, now there's unexpected anger...

[Anastacia42]

No problem. It's best to be relaxed & rested.

Much love,

[alexmed]

Hi Stacy,

Sorry for the long report in advance. You can skip reading to the phrase "So, a question" below, as nothing too much important below I think.

So the day before yesterday, I met with a colleague after work. We spent 3 hours together, I noticed how some of my patterns were automatically recognised, but at some point it stopped - apparently I was tired, because I'm involved into a very hectic project that takes a lot of effort. And the next day I felt wildly tired in the morning.
And what was most unpleasant, along with the tiredness there was strong irritation and anger. And the recognition also stopped, as if it wasn't in action ever.

And then a huge chapter called "Miserable Me" from the book "How to be Alex" appeared. This is possibly one of the largest and most significant chapters I have learned since the childhood, and there are 25,000 reasons and ways how to be miserable. I think one could even give paid consultations following it. :-D

So I began to feel sorry for myself, to resent the injustice of my family, my job and others to me and all that. Of course, there were all these nasty sensations associated with thoughts in the body. I was just exhausted during the work day. My heart sank from the miserable stories in which I so zealously believed all day.
Just before going to bed, I managed to calm down a little and partially get rid of this illusion, first with this technique "Simply vision, Simply hearing, Simply a thought ...", and then with alternating questions "Is it me, or is it just felt / thought"?

This morning I was afraid that recognition was completely gone, forever. There was a residual "whining" inside, I clearly saw that there is still faith in the "miserable me" and all its stupidity. And at some point the thought came to remember how it was in the state of recognition. And as soon as I remembered, there was a click, and all the residual stories and sensations in the body disappeared very quickly.

Fantastic! Usually such a "drama" would have lasted for many more days and would have taken a lot of strength.

And this is over, clarity is in place.

But still I can’t achieve clarity about actions and decision-making.

So, a question.

I see that the process of decision-making is automatic, as there's no me to make it. But there is a thought process involved, and I don't know how to notice clearly what is causing what or when what happens. More often I simply do not notice anything as getting absorbed with the thought process, and when I see, it seems that thoughts are the cause of actions. Or not?... I still can't see clearly.
Apparently, the decision has already been made, and thoughts comment on it after? But that's more just an intellectual guess.

Could you give me any pointer please?

With gratitude,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Oh goodness. I free neglected to give you any choice pointers!

the decision has already been made, and thoughts comment on it after?

EXACTLY!

Try this:

Here's a pointer to look at "control" & the illusions of "choice" and "free will."

Palm Flipping Exercise

1. Hold a hand in front of you; palm turned down.

2. Now turn the palm up. And down...and up and so on.

Watch like a hawk.

Don't go to thoughts – examine your direct experience.

Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:

How is the movement controlled?

Does a thought control it?

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?

How is the decision made to turn the hand over? Track any decision point when a thought MADE THE DECISION to turn the hand over and the hand turns over immediately.

Who or what chose which hand - the left or right hand for the exercise?

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is choosing when to turn the palm up or down?

Loving,

[alexmed]

Thank you Stacy!

It took a while to research it carefully.

How is the movement controlled?

Somewhere inside there is a signal, and the hand moves as it should. This "signal" is not a thought, I just feel it when the hand moves. And looking at the hand, I see how the thoughts in this case label these movements after the fact.
Before it was not so noticeable, now it is better.

Does a thought control it?

No. A thought may arise as a label to explain what is happening. It's like looking at a text: the words start to automatically appear in the mind as a representation of the image of the letters. If I twist the hand for a long time, then the labelling stops and the mind starts throwing other thoughts (gets boring? :) ).

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?

Nuh.

How is the decision made to turn the hand over? Track any decision point when a thought MADE THE DECISION to turn the hand over and the hand turns over immediately.

Don't know. It just happens. Damn, this still sounds weird to me, but I can't deny the fact - it happens by itself. I still can't get used to it.

Who or what chose which hand - the left or right hand for the exercise?

I think it was a preset, a habit maybe. It's like in the "Gatecrashers" book: "scratch where it itches" (don't really remember if it was the comparison about the same). Here the right hand "scratched", because it "itched" - at least, that's how I see it.

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is choosing when to turn the palm up or down?

No. It just happens.

And one more thing.

Yesterday I had another fight with the "demon of Miserable Me". It was tougher than before: I didn’t sleep all night, fell asleep only in the morning, fortunately it was a day off. The next day: a strong identification, wild irritation, anger, then sudden release, then internal "whining", and finally complete release. This went on for almost a day, until the evening.
I was exhausted again, so I didn’t even write anything here. Apologies...
Hope it's dead completely. :)
The cherry on the cake was a bunch of beliefs that came out right after that. For example, the belief that I should be ashamed when others have something worse than me. Where did I pick it up?..

This morning I discovered a subtle faith in the observer. A second layer? When I began to investigate this "observer", even a slight fear appeared: oh no! what if "I" would "disappear"? Like a mini version of the original ego with the "gate keeper". :)

The difference of this "subtle observer" was that it did have any noticeable sensation in the body - only the location in the head, behind the eyes. And of course a thought that "I'm" watching everything. Still.
During the evening walk, it seems that this idea was discerned.

I'll watch more tomorrow.

With gratitude,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Okay! Good work !

Here's another "choice" pointers.

Drink Exercise

The aim of the following exercise is to discover whether the function of choice can really be found or confirmed in actual experience. The idea of making ‘choices‘ is a very clear example of a function that we wrongly identify as the basis of our identity.

Here's what’s needed - a chair, a table and two different drinks. Any two drinks you like are okay for this: coffee, tea, milk, water, juices, smoothies, beer, wine, etc.

Preparation - Place the two drinks side by side on the table in front of you, sit comfortably on the chair and mentally label them as drink A and drink B.

Experiment - Finding the function of choice

Sit for a few moments, take a few relaxed breaths and let the dust settle. When you feel ready:

1. Look at drink A and at drink B. Think about their respective qualities, the things you like about them, compare and weigh the pros and cons of each. See if a preference is manifesting for one or the other.

2. Count to 5.

3. Choose one of the drinks. Pick it up and take a sip.

Questions:

Remember that we’re looking for some kind of function, a something, an ‘I’ which is doing the ‘choosing’.

In step 1 when thinking about their respective qualities, did you ‘choose’ the qualities? Or did they kind of appear by themselves? If some preferences manifested, did you ‘choose’ these preferences? Or did they just pop up by themselves?

In step 2 when you counted to 5, if the preferences took the back seat while the numbers took the front seat, did you ‘choose’ this sequence of event? Did you ‘choose’ to shut down the preferences to give way to the counting?

Did you directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Have you seen this function in action?

In step 3 where you made a choice, did you actually witness or directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Did anything arise that announced, ‘I am the chooser’? If so, what does this function look like?

Sometimes we describe this sense of choosing as a ‘feeling’: It feels like ‘I’ did the 'choosing’. But the question is, can a feeling ‘choose’? Is it in the nature of a feeling to 'choose’?

Loving,

[alexmed]

Hello Stacy,

Thank you for the 2nd exercise!

In step 1 when thinking about their respective qualities, did you ‘choose’ the qualities? Or did they kind of appear by themselves? If some preferences manifested, did you ‘choose’ these preferences? Or did they just pop up by themselves?

They just appear by themselves. Apparently just some memories came to the mind, but the choice... Looks like at a random. No logical explanation, just momentary preference.

In step 2 when you counted to 5, if the preferences took the back seat while the numbers took the front seat, did you ‘choose’ this sequence of event? Did you ‘choose’ to shut down the preferences to give way to the counting?

No, the attention just switched to the counting for a while.

Did you directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Have you seen this function in action?

Not really. In fact, I had to redo the exercise because there was an excitement from the anticipation of the result, so the decision didn't happen for some time. :-D
But there was no anyone who was saying 'I am experiencing the excitement'. It was a feeling, and there was also a commenting process on it.
The 2nd time there wasn't anyone who preferred the drink B, but there was a feeling of the 'choosing'.

In step 3 where you made a choice, did you actually witness or directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Did anything arise that announced, ‘I am the chooser’? If so, what does this function look like?

There was a commenting process on the excitement a bit, including the moment when the final choice was made, but there was no any 'chooser' feeling.

Sometimes we describe this sense of choosing as a ‘feeling’: It feels like ‘I’ did the 'choosing’. But the question is, can a feeling ‘choose’? Is it in the nature of a feeling to 'choose’?

There was a feeling, but there wasn't any belief that it was 'me choosing something'.

Many thanks,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Okay, Alex.

Can you say 100% there's no separate "self?"

Loving,

[alexmed]

Can you say 100% there's no separate "self?"

No, there's no separate "self".

And now I feel ready to answer your control list of questions. :)

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No, there is no such entity as a separate "I". It just doesn't exist. And it wasn't. There was (and is) the thought "I", some feelings which can be temporarily associated as a feeling of "me", the belief that this thought, which names everything as its own, is me.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

It's hard to say exactly. What I could see from my own experience: thoughts constantly appear in the mind by themselves, and one of these thoughts suggests that everything should be “acquired” and “saved” (by the way, maybe this is not one thought, but many different - depending on the situation, but this is just an assumption). This thought-I is just like the habit of mentally naming everything and tying it into one big knot through the words "mine", "I", etc. You get used to this habit and you think that this is all true, you can't live without it. You carry it with you like a mask in a pandemic, like a smartphone in your pocket, and it somehow seems impossible to live without it, as if you were born with it.
Something like this.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Quiet, calm and smooth. And at the same time - a slight delight from everything. :-)
The content of life has not changed. I do everything the same: I work, I am happy, I get upset, etc. But the point of view on it all has changed: it just happens. Now some identification may also emerge, but after a careful investigation of "Is this me?" - the identification either gradually "falls off", or more often it turns out that it never existed - there was only the habit of believing that it was me.
Suffering passes very quickly. Turned on - turned off. Like a charm!

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Seems the main shift happened 1.5 weeks ago, on a Sunday morning, when I decided to review the exercises that you gave me. I began to look and compare who is actually doing something. Does anyone feel it or is it just felt? After playing with it for a bit, there was an initial vision that all these feelings and thoughts are not me, they are just thoughts and feelings. Then all these things of the vision of how every is really happening started to unfold.

5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Describe control & give examples from experience.

It seems to me that all these questions are essentially about the same thing, so I will answer as 1 question, but please let me know if I have to answer them separately.

When I'm quiet and attentive, it's easy enough to see that it's all happening on its own. Now for me it even has become a kind of entertainment, when I notice after the fact how the hands do something themselves, thoughts run by themselves, everything is done quickly and well.
When I (attention) is absorbed in the thought process, I do not realize how and what is happening. It looks like there might be a feeling of "doing", but I do not see that there is any strong association of this feeling with the "doer". I'm not 100% sure here yet, maybe this doubt is just a matter of time.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

I didn't think I'd ever say this seriously. It just happens. :-)

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experiences.

Is it the "I" that has been leading me by the nose for so long? No, there's no such character. So, nothing. :-)

As an example, when I'm focusing on an intellectual work, and then the attention gets back from it, I'm analysing who was doing this? and today I was easily coming to a conclusion, there wasn't any "me" or "myself". There was a feeling of "doing something", but not a feeling of any kind of entity of belief in "me" doing this.

6) Anything to add?

Honestly, I don't even know how to thank for all the work you've done to me. :-)

Please, let me know what can I do for you?

Much gratitude,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Alex

Great clarity. Your answers will be shared with other guides who may have questions.

For me? Live in peace & share it with others who are interested. This is how I work for world peace one mind at a time.

Loving

[Anastacia42]

Good morning!

No one had questions.

Watch for a message with our Facebook groups.

Welcome home!

[alexmed]

Oh, thank you so much Stacy! To you, Ilona, Elena and all the team!

You guys are doing so important job that it couldn't be overestimated.

[Anastacia42]

You are quite welcome!