hi I'm Douglas and I'm seeking a guide to help me out

[doug1976]

Actually I'm suspicious of the desiring I'm wondering if it's as innocent as I make it out to be I sense it may be part of the manipulation of reality you mentioned before .
After desiring there's a grieving " should have could have..."
or a celebration " yes success I've done it , achieved it "
and even in the celebration an emptiness creeps in.

[doug1976]

Another thing you mentioned is having beliefs opinion judgements keeps me one meter off the ground.
And being grounded is the default state.
In nature , animals experience reality a lot closer because there isn't that self censorship or analysis reflection mechanism just experiencing what is now.

[vinceschubert]

I'm suspicious of the desiring I'm wondering if it's as innocent as I make it out to be

Doug, this is stuff of the mind. It is mind entertaining mind. You don't need to know the ins and outs of the creation of Desire. It happened, it occurred. Done. Nothing to do, but notice.
Is it recognized as useless mind chatter ?

[doug1976]

Yes I do .
Ok useless mind chatter.
Right now that's all there is.

[doug1976]

I'm annoyed with it ,
It just keeps going and going untiressly like a loud brass band with endless permutation of dissonant melodies.
I get entertain by that chatter it's difficult to put it aside I think it keeps me company a bit like a dog or a spouse.

[doug1976]

I'm annoyed with it ,
It just keeps going and going untiressly like a loud brass band with endless permutation of dissonant melodies.
I get entertain by that chatter it's difficult to put it aside I think it keeps me company a bit like a dog or a spouse.

[doug1976]

I'm not sure the forum idea is working out just going in circles , I forgot what I'm even looking for.

[doug1976]

The chatter just arises .there isn't a me" going now chat a lot".

[doug1976]

When I look in I experience a great fear of emptiness that's the sensation that arises " shit I'm surrounded by that great nothing and I'm gonna get swallowed whole by it" then the endless thinking chattering analysis etc arise from that to comfort me .
In a nut shell I'm shit scared .

[vinceschubert]

In a nut shell I'm shit scared

Scared is good. Not comfortable but good. Good because it means that the protection process is threatened.

I'm surrounded by that great nothing and I'm gonna get swallowed whole by it

Explore the "great nothing" a little more. What will get swallowed ?
What will it be like being absorbed by the "great nothing" ? What else comes to mind about it ?

[doug1976]

Being totally alone with no escape routes.
I'll be defenseless .
Douglas will get swallowed by the great nothing.
Then nothing of me as I know it will be left.
I might become the great nothing and that might be great and very freeing.
There'll be no thoughts like going into neutral between a gear change.
My survival ability might get swallowed up.
I could die I won't know how to look after myself.
Nothing might get swallowed in which case there's no change and I'll be stuck with myself.
I'm running thru all the different scenarios of what might happen or not and frankly I don't know , all of those speculations are generated by fear.

[doug1976]

I had a bit of a look inside and it feels like a fire burning consuming all the wood and that wood turning into ash.
The quality of ash is light , the wind can carry it and water can dissolve it but wood on the other has got a strong structure quite heavy and insoluble .wood is a powerfull fuel , ash isn't .
So it's a transformation.

[vinceschubert]

Being totally alone with no escape routes.
I'll be defenseless .
Douglas will get swallowed by the great nothing.
Then nothing of me as I know it will be left.
I might become the great nothing and that might be great and very freeing.
There'll be no thoughts like going into neutral between a gear change.
My survival ability might get swallowed up.
I could die I won't know how to look after myself.
Nothing might get swallowed in which case there's no change and I'll be stuck with myself.
I'm running thru all the different scenarios of what might happen or not and frankly I don't know , all of those speculations are generated by fear.

Ok, it's pretty obvious that this story is the main generator of the fear, isn't it ?
If there is a tendency (conditioned) to need to be in control, then there is also an underlying dread that directly feeds into survival instincts. Powerful stuff.
You see the tip of that iceberg when you 'look' inside and report, but what comes out is only an intellectual version (unless it is accompanied by an Aha! phenomena)
i can tell you that nothing will change (but everything will be different), that no catastrophe will occur, but that also is just a story. The portal to the other side of this inappropriate survival response is for you to 'SEE' that you never had control anyway. It has always been an illusion.
When i say (type) an instruction for you to move your left hand, Do it now..., was there anywhere a controlling entity ?, or did arising circumstances simply result in left hand movement ?

[doug1976]

No entity just a movement and beyond the movement an emptiness, an empty movement
There's a sense of fragility in that simple action.
It's doing it by itself I have no control over the moving of the hand.
The story of fear slowly pops its head out with a be careful message and a sunken feeling in my belly and a soothing feeling by the repetitive motion of my left hand with my consistent awareness on that.
A slowing of mind towards no mind.mind vanishing.
A stopping not the movement of the hand but the mind stopping .
The stopping feels like a vehicle suddenly being stopped like crashing in a tree or something.
Outer movement inner stillness .

[doug1976]

Ok I'm 100 per cent sure that there's no one or nothing moving the hand .
I'm watching the moving of the hand and I ask is there a watcher there's certainly a vigilance , a checking up mechanism 'is this true? '
I sense there's no watcher either but I still experience some separation between the experience of watching and the experience of the hand moving.
I still experience a me watching the hand.
Maybe that's all story to make something really simple "there's no one moving the hand"
Into throwing a heap of doubts into it.
I have some doubts left.