Standing on the edge

[Haileygirl]

Try to locate the entity which is YOU - find out whether it is really there or not. Test it. SEE if it can be falsified.

Are you asking me to find Sheila and see if she can be falsified or find Awareness.  It's unclear to me what you are referring to.

Thought is a result of awareness......Awareness is not controlled by thought. Feels True. There is Awareness and it feels constant. Sometimes, it seems the mind screens this reality and the false world is real again.....important.

Reminds me of that bible story where the people were worshiping the golden calf. God punished them. I think he destroyed their village or something. Anyways, isn't the result the same? When we believe an I is real/important (golden calf), we suffer. Funny how those old stories can be applied to the present. Awareness has been at work for a long time (in human years) haha.  I digress.

Sheila isn't real. She is made up of thoughts that are believed. Awareness is constant. I can't not be aware. When this belief in I manifests, awareness is still present. (Awareness) can see the madness of this belief and the pain. When I relax, my body starts to tingle. It's all good.

[Rohit]

Hi,

Ok. LOOK at your thoughts . Look for the owner of the thoughts. Can you find one? Now LOOK at your feelings and emotions. Look for the owner of the feelings and emotions. Can you find one?
Now LOOK at your body sensations come, change, and go. Look for the owner of the body sensations. Can you find one?

[Haileygirl]

I think my catholic upbringing is getting the way of LOOKING. I will honestly try to do this and get back to you. At this point, I realize there is no owner but it is possible this is still just another belief.

[Haileygirl]

LOOK at your thoughts . Look for the owner of the thoughts. Can you find one? No
Now LOOK at your feelings and emotions. Look for the owner of the feelings and emotions. Can you find one? No
Now LOOK at your body sensations come, change, and go. Look for the owner of the body sensations. Can you find one? No

So if there is no owner, how can a part of me be part of Awareness? Awareness Is. Life Is. There is no me in it only a concept. I do not exist at all! For realsies! I'm not Awareness or Presence. There is Awareness! I feel resistance.

[Rohit]

Stare deeply into the possibility that it might be true. That there is no you in any sense. Stare into the possibility. If it isn't true, you don't need to worry. If it is true, you'll never need to worry again. Once you are free, you won't go back. You've seen the truth, and you will never believe the lie again. truth can't be unseen. Push this hard. Keep going until you crack it.

[Haileygirl]

I can't go back and not see what is staring me in the face.
This resistance.....it's coming from a desire to be special in some way. Or maybe a fear of it! When I accept with no resistance to the obvious truth (no me) there is a feeling of relief. Even joy that the search is over. I can see! How wonderful! Then the thoughts move in.....'oh you think you are so special.....be careful!' then I move away and want to believe in Sheila again....and voila! She is there.......sort of. I don't believe in her anymore the same way I don't believe in Santa. But it's still easy to buy into the dream of her.
I will sleep tonight. Tomorrow will bring more clarity.

[Haileygirl]

I will keep pushing. Thank you for your encouragement.

[Haileygirl]

I am using my desktop PC to respond.  I tend to make my posts brief when using my Ipad because it’s more difficult to type on it.  I will be as thorough as possible with where I am at.  Right now, just noticing how much I use the word “I” and I want to go back and change it.  But I won’t.  
 
I have spent the last two days LOOKING for me.  I tripped over a landscape light in the yard yesterday and it fell apart, I looked at it and said, “oh it fell apart”.  My husband quickly responded, “no it didn’t, YOU broke it!”  First reaction, “I know it!”.  So I LOOK. Did I break it?  Where am I here?  Am I a thought?  Where did the thought to walk this body over there come from?  Is that me?  Am I this body?   I sit down and begin to LOOK.  Just as I suspected…………..there is thought, there is body, there is movement, there is emotion.  There is no Me to be found that is making this happen.  Hence, the subtle change in how life is living.  On the surface, much the same.  So the statement, it fell apart, was the most accurate and it appears life is flowing with no concept of I.  This is truth.
 
But then, there are thoughts with questions and doubt.  There is no me, then there is no one else.  Life is.  What about the holocaust and all those people?  Is that life?  No one really died?  You see, I try to understand this.  I lied awake last night, LOOKING for a way to understand this.  How can there be no ME or NO ONE.  It seems to accept this truth means to rationalize away horrendous things as not REAL.  
 
When the Truth is seen, there is alignment with Life and Life flows.  When the mind and thoughts are believed as real (as who I am), madness.  So Life is happening with madness AND without madness.  Life Is.  To attach to a self with thoughts and ideas and believe this is real, is madness.  
 
Thoughts continue to arise that cause doubts or confusion.  That’s okay.  It’s not personal.  There is no me to understand this.  
 
That’s it.  Comments?

[Rohit]

do you exist?

[Haileygirl]

No.

[Rohit]

So when you say "I don' exist ", what comes up? What is typing this? What does this mean to the rest of your life ?

[Haileygirl]

What comes up when I say "I don't exist?" if I sit here and 'think' about it, different thoughts and emotions arise.......relief, satisfaction, joy, disbelief...and so on.

Life is typing this. What does it mean to the rest of my life? Here is what it was like yesterday.  Yesterday, hurt feelings and sadness arose in my mind and body with events happening in my marriage. Familiar scenario.....it was challenging and felt hopeless at times.  "I" (Sheila) felt hopeless that this sadness would always be there waiting to arise and take over "me" again. I had to earnestly LOOK at what was happening and  my body and mind just wanted a diversion and to keep moving. 

There is no "I" so what is this pain and tightness in my chest? I SAT (literally) to watch it.....be with it.  All the stories running through my head seemed so valid and real. Thoughts along the line of:
"This no "I" is bullshit and I'm back to square one! THIS is real....my pain is real. This marriage is never gonna work, etc. etc! If there is no me, how come I am in this emotional pain and suffering.  Oh crap, I am beginning to feel depressed, failed again! "

All this mind chatter was loud and insane. Is that Me? Where am I in this? I stayed sitting in my room and followed the pain and tightness in my chest. When I got to it, it would dissipate! Gone.......huh? a little frustration arose.....hey! Every time I followed this ball of emotion and thought, there was nothing there. Nothing to latch on to. And some resistance arose......thoughts like, "don't let go! Find it again. That pain is you. That is real. You are real."

But the charade is over. The veil has been lifted. I can see what is real and what is not. I am not. 

So, what does this mean to the rest of my life? I imagine a better flow of Life and acceptance of what is. More love and enjoyment of It's unfolding. 

As an aside: all the drama that happened THIS time wildly happened in my head. (haha, i meant to type 'only' happened in my head and the ipad auto-corrected to 'wildly'). There was no lashing out and sharing it with my husband (as in times past). Consequently, less pain and suffering.  More love and affection.

[Rohit]

Good. I want you to go outside, have a walk in nature. Notice life, notice how everything is happening effortlessly. Look at everything. Does anything need a doer to happen?

[Haileygirl]

There is no doer....everything is happening on its own. It's interesting how this Seeing is changing life. Much the same still......but there is something very subtle happening at the same time. There is still plenty of thoughts and some reactions, but it is part of the flow and surrender arises. Sometimes surrender, sometimes resistance. The Seeing is still there....it doesn't go away. I feel reluctant to write now...I need a little time to just experience this Seeing. Does that sound agreeable to you, Rohit?

[Rohit]

yes. Keep LOOKING. Take your time.