Stepping in

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince.
I'm still here. Still waiting for some discernible something. Sometimes suffering for a while before letting it go. Sometimes doing sensual awareness: sensation and sound, mostly. I got to attend a couple of group awareness exercises this week. That feels good: noticing what awareness is like right now. Right now, kind of still, yet pulsing with the sounds of the refrigerator, and the sounds in my ears. Noticing a pain, sometimes more, sometimes less.
So, in a way, not much happening.
Love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

'evening Leela,

So, in a way, not much happening.

The tone of your writing suggests that you are still waiting for something special to happen. (or not)

That feels good: noticing what awareness is like right now. Right now, kind of still, yet pulsing with the sounds of the refrigerator and the sounds in my ears. Noticing a pain, sometimes more, sometimes less.

Is this a kind of hyperacuity?
"Nothing changes but everything is different" - does this sound familiar?

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince.
There is the belief that there should be a discernible difference. A "then vs. now." I hear others talk about that. I "hear'" that it is not always the case, and it is hard to believe, when so many others seem to have a 'then & now story.' A 'Big Shift' story. The more I think about this, the more I suffer. And the more I feel peeved. Is it better to go into the suffering and suffer fully, or direct attention elsewhere? I have a sense that going fully into it will lead only to more suffering, until I get bored with it. I'm bored with it already. This whole thought line is bullshit. And, there it is, it just keeps coming back.

The other thing I have been doing is Angelo Dilullo meditations. They are mostly sensual 'looking' exercises. If I consider what "hyperacuity" is, I imagine it is focusing down to a point. When I do any sensual meditation or looking, it seems to become more expansive. Even with pain. Pain changes, sometimes becoming diffuse and disappearing. I don't think that would classify as hyperacuity.

love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

There is the belief that there should be a discernible difference.

..and there will be once you start responding to the story that you are awake. It's your doubt thoughts that keep you on the 'lower plane'.

when so many others seem to have a 'then & now story.' A 'Big Shift' story.

Of course...and they are the loudest voices. The ones that don't have that are the quiet ones.

Is it better to go into the suffering and suffer fully, or direct attention elsewhere?

Neither. It is a good technique to ask yourself if there is anything wrong with THIS, right now, here.
Don't effort escaping or enhancing suffering. Accept that THIS IS IT and everything is different.

it seems to become more expansive. Even with pain. Pain changes, sometimes becoming diffuse and disappearing. I don't think that would classify as hyperacuity.

I imagine that in the beginning there is a narrowing of focus and this leads to that expansion. Certainly, pain changes when it is examined (focussed on) and then bleeds away at the perimeter. (my experience from Vipassana)
..but I was asking about hyperacuity as this is something that happens at times for the awakened. We not only experience awe at the drop of dew on the blade of grass, but we see it as though magnified and intensified.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good Evening, Vince.

..and there will be once you start responding to the story that you are awake.

Sadness. I have tried and failed a couple of times to shift the focus. I don't think you are saying 'fake it til you make it,' which I can't really do. Just respond from the stillness inside. Sadness welling up. And also listening to the background sound, the one that is always there and seems louder when things are quiet. Sadness is transient. Background is not. Sadness is a little lighter, and still there. Background is loud. Parrot playing in the room sounds. Hubby doing laundry sounds. Hubby irritated with me for not labeling a container. Talking. Background sound. Sadness still a little heaviness. Smile at parrot talking sweetly. Birds calling outside. Sunlight coming in. Rainbow. Background sound. Try to respond from background.

Squirrel distraction. Now energized by the interaction. Sadness lifted.

once you start responding to the story that you are awake.

That is a story. Just like other stories. Except that it promotes a sense of equanimity, instead of lack. Some small part has awake thoughts. They can be turned up by turning down the lack thoughts. Why am I crying? I want to flip the script that says 'I can't.' Background sound.

Is there anything wrong with this moment? No.

No hyperacuity experienced. Meditation on a blade of grass, yes, but nothing like what you described.

love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

I don't think you are saying 'fake it til you make it,

definitely not.

Sadness. I have tried and failed a couple of times to shift the focus.

Sadness - accept it.
Happiness - accept it.
Anything - accept it.
What you experience is IT. DON'T HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT IT. ACCEPT IT.
A welcoming acceptance to whatever arises is what removes all desire.
A willing surrender is where freedom (liberation) starts.
No need to DO anything. (you can't anyway)
Recognize that whatever is being experienced has already happened by the time you become aware of it, and so it is fruitless to wish it was different.
Anything other than complete surrender to THIS can only corrupt and distort.
Only total acceptance allows it to be a learning experience. Allows a wider perspective that can see more possibilities.
When you hear the parrot sounds, you don't hold onto that which is finished. You are open to what comes next.
When you feel sadness, why do you hold on to it?
If you examine it without opinion, it will change (or not) Accepting it will likely reveal a jewel or two.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince!
I've been doing some inner child work along with forgiveness. Not really an LU thing, so I have been hesitant to write to you about it. (Oh no! Doing it wrong!!!;0) While I was practicing on Monday, something dropped in that seemed like a core wound. Pre verbal, and many other wounds are piled up on it. I felt somewhat stunned all day on Monday. Continuing the work and seeing how it all settles out. I can see how, given that I wasn't born yet, it is not my fault. There is no blame. A lifetime, so far, of feeling like I do not belong and something must be wrong with me are built upon it. So, doing my best to let go of those stories, giving the fetal and infant Leela love. Forgiving myself for not understanding. And gratitude. That is all I have been doing this week.
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

I've been doing some inner child work along with forgiveness. Not really an LU thing, so I have been hesitant to write to you about it.

Everything that you experience is relevant.

(Oh no! Doing it wrong!!!;0)

Not so.

A lifetime, so far, of feeling like I do not belong and something must be wrong with me are built upon it.

Yes yes, it's great and wonderful to see the origins of responding that have become habitual. An epepheny that is a huge release. There's a big but here & that is that you don't need to see the origins of everything to let it go.
For many habits are no longer tied to their original cause.
"For they know not what they do." (& I don't either) means it's appropriate to forgive everybody for everything (nothing needs specifying)
Total acceptance of what has already transpired means nothing to forgive or be forgiven. It's implicit in that lovely surrender.

And gratitude. That is all I have been doing this week.

Lovely.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince!
It was nice to see you yesterday.
I'm continuing to focus on love, gratitude, and forgiving myself for misunderstanding whenever an uncomfortable memory comes up. Also, a question. Flavor of the week has been: what is the evidence that what I see is separate?
Sensing, listening to the familiar sound that has been with me since I was a child, other sounds, vibration of the body, blending. Visual field seems challenging, though. I close eyes, stuff is gone. Open eyes, stuff is there. Turn head, some stuff appears and other stuff disappears. Slow movement of head has hypnotic effect. At this time, I cannot prove to myself that the stuff is not separate or that it is separate. Don't know. Just that it appears within the awareness of the one looking.
I find myself seeking coziness and avoiding people.
I have been reading Angleo Dilullo's book, and the chapter on paradox made a big impression. He says that when we have an opening, we have a contraction soon afterward, for some (unknown amount of) time. I have never heard this before, and it rings true. The contractions have been my evidence that nothing is moving, that I'm spinning wheels. He says it is evidence that one is opening. Last year, I did the Hareesh 21 day awareness intensive, and it was wonderful, I did it fully along with a couple of classes, so it was like being on a retreat. I felt great, peaceful and expansive until the very last day of the intensive, when I had a run-in with a crazy guy with pit bulls while meditating in the cemetery next door. After that, I experienced a lot fear and anxiety about that guy, who was turning up there a lot (he obviously can't take them to the park next door because they are aggressive with other dogs, and possibly people). I lost one of my favorite sitting spots, and had fear. So seeing it as a part of the opening that occurred makes sense. I can't say I have fully dealt with the fear, the guy has had run-ins with other neighbors, and we all agree that he appears to have mental health issues. It was helpful to hear that it isn't just me he has a problem with. (I was just sitting on a bench meditating, did not bother him at all.) So is the issue fear of crazy people with dangerous dogs? Or just fear? Lack of safety? Since this event resurfaced this morning, just hanging with it.
So what I learned is that I don't need to feel like I'm failing to awaken when there are these (rather large-seeming) set-backs. It is just life showing me what needs to be faced.
It is spring-time, and I am enjoying watching all the returning birds and flowers.
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

I'm continuing to focus on ... and forgiving myself

Can you see that you are locking yourself into a seeker role. Waiting for something to happen in the future?
You are making hard work of what is really simple. By simple, I mean not complex. Also not difficult.
The portal that I fell through showed me this.
There is nothing to do.
You don't earn liberation. It is there (here) for the seeing.
..and what is there to see? (rhetorical question) THIS.
What is THIS?
Whatever you are currently experiencing.
Whatever it is. Good/bad (ha) Pleasant/unpleasant. Spiritual/whatever the opposite of spiritual is.
You can't DO anything about it, but if these words provoke an intention to do anything, then let it be that you simply watch whatever arises without opinion.
Trying to be loving/forgiving/have gratitude only gives strength to their opposites.
When you focus on them, the absence of them in yourself and others colors your world and shuts out the sun.
Now, don't get hung up on how successful you are at this.
You can't fail, because even (apparent) failure is THIS.
How simple is it?
Nothing to do but watch (or not)
You are by nature a loving being. A gracious being. A forgiving being.
These thing show themselves best when you are relaxed and peaceful.
This will happen as complete acceptance arises for whatever life-ing offers.

great love

vince

[Birdie]

HI, Vince.
I'm still here. I want to apologize for getting frustrated and abruptly quitting. I have been watching your videos with Pernille. The last one was especially helpful. I read all of our discussions, and was so awed and grateful for all the work you did with me. Thank you so much! At the beginning I thought, 'well, obviously this person is awake!' But when you suggested that I pretend to be awake to see if it shifts the way things are viewed, all hell broke loose. One drama after another. Don't know where that supposed awakeness went.
I have been doing Pernille's course, up until she said not to go any further (in the doubt section) until you know you have broken the first fetter. I'm gonna just go ahead and listen, anyway! I'm also in a fetters group that is a part of the POK group I have been in for years (however, the fetters group just started last fall). Now that Pernille is singing your praises all over the place, you probably do not have time. However, if you do, I would like to know how I can know if I have broken the first fetter (given that there has been no shift), and what to work on, if not. There is a lovely person from POK who is also helping me, in case you don't have time. I'm at work during your Sunday group, and unable to attend, unless you have shifted the time to a later time.

With love, gratitude, and appreciation,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Hi Leela, the time i do the Sunday meet-up is 6 am (Monday) here, but that's 9-10 pm in Europe. It's challenging to find a time that suits everybody.

I would like to know how I can know if I have broken the first fetter (given that there has been no shift),

WHAT THE FUCK! ARE YOU STUPID? WHAT A RIDICULOUS QUESTION!

Your reaction to that is the answer. (by the way, I didn't mean any of it)
If you were equanimous as you read it, then there is no identification with the illusory self.
It'a a pretty brutal test, so if you had a sharp, intense response that quickly faded (before reading the next line) then you may have still broken the first fetter, but your 'trailing edge' is still there.
The first fetter is about identification (selfing), but bits of this can still linger right up to the 5th fetter.
Describe the emotional response to reading that line.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince.
Laughter, and a smile.
Don't you have to go before a tribunal and get grilled? (Which does scare me.) I saw the Todd interview where he said that the people who retained their (what do you call breaking the first fetter?) the best were people who guided others. I don't feel I could do that right now. Need to break other fetters first?

Much, Much, Much Love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Hi Leela,

Don't you have to go before a tribunal and get grilled? (

No, it's not like that.
It's actually me that gets grilled, as other guides are looking for anything that I might have missed.
Are you ready for those 'final' questions? Do you feel confident that you have seen through the illusion of an inherently separate self?

I don't feel I could do that right now. Need to break other fetters first?

That first fetter (indeed, all of them) are just sign posts on the 'path'. There is no end to discovery.
LU concentrates on "Stream entry". On the first fetter.
Anybody who has broken that one usually has a perspective that makes them capable of helping others to do the same. There seems to be an awakening of innate wisdom that facilitates this.
..but although it highly recommend guiding as a way of 'deepening', it's not everybody's cup of tea.

Ok, tell me that you're ready for the final questions or tell me where we need to do more work.
Oh. incidentally you didn't answer my question about what you're response was to my test. (although I have presumptions because if your laughter)

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince.
Laughter and big smile were the reaction. Gratitude, on reflection.
There has not been anything I can call a shift. Some teachers say there must be a shift with a definite before and after. That is not my experience. Based on that, I'm not ready. And, I don't know what to do. I read the Gateless Gatecrashers the fall of 2021, and did a lot of the exercises along with the stories. I just ordered Christiane's book, and the other LU book and started on Christiane's. Since she does not spending a lot of time on the first fetter, I could just switch to the other book and work with it for a while. I was also looking at a LOT of questions posted by Tancha, who leads our fetter group (about thoughts/thinker, etc). I did not write out answers, just answered in my head. Perhaps writing out is better? I guess there is no hurry. I will finish that book, or if I feel more confident, then I will get back to you for the final questions sooner. And yesterday and today, processing emotional crap that came up by noticing the thoughts that come up, and the feelings they point to, then looking under them to the energetic sensations in the body, and just sensing while they change and leave or lessen to the extent that I get distracted. It is the practice my POK guide gave me. I (to have something interesting to work with?) stirred this stuff up, so I believe I'm getting the most use out of it by working with it. Or maybe it wasn't me that stirred it up, but life. Any which way. It is OK.
Love,
Leela