Hiya,
Nice idea.
There's quite a bit of emotion coming up as I sit down to respond. The energy is directing this way, typing is happening and there appears to be a kind of release occurring.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
To say no to this right now doesn't feel plausible. I feel, before, I would've assumed I'd be saying no at this 'point', yet there always has been and always will be an idea of a 'me', an 'I'. This too is an assumption and maybe one comes to a place of no ideas of any 'me' or 'I'. Maybe, even, not necessarily in this bodymind, but maybe there will always be a me or an I until there no longer is.
There is a form (idea/assumption) of a me (a thought) created by the habit of corresponding sensation with body with thought.
However, THIS idea and assumption is only that. The habitual linking of varying experiences is an illusion. All the parts are an illusion that seemingly float in and out of current experience. When I say illusion, how best to describe it, they are simply passing experiences in the frame or window of happenings. All of these labels and identifications are words, language, thoughts, projecting across the emptiness that holds it all, where this typing comes from.
Anything that might arise and be labelled a 'separate entity' is a layering that has no root in anything. It is a thought. Thoughts are fleeting, they come and go; what they come and go in and what they are seen by/in/with is unchanging, formidable, vast yet just here.
Ultimately, there never has been or never will actually be an I or a Me. Not in the way I or we have been conditioned to believe. The I that I assumed I was, after investigation, has been recognised as a bundle of ideas, thoughts, labels, lies. Endless threads of experiences have been loaded onto the name this body mind was given at birth.
The baby was born, she was labeled a girl, she was given the name Sophie, and like a tips jar or storage container, this new 'Sophie' then started filling the jar with everything that happened and didn't happen, attaching more to the parts that fitted nicely with the conditioning 'she' came in to/with.
So, is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any shape or form?
Not in this physical world, not anywhere to be seen here; only in a thought that comes and goes just like the wind and the rain.
2) Share your own words, what the illusion of a separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry
It shows up in my experience through thoughts and sensations.
Sophie is the illusory separate self I've learned to live 'as'. All thoughts about Sophie, present, past and future, have no anchor or root in anything. Sophie is a bundle of thoughts, labels, ideas, assumptions, feelings, sensations, that have been familiarised and limited in the apparent container of 'her' being. Her 'body-mind'.
There is also a deep and intense physical contraction, tension, that has been connected with 'self' thoughts, and which has been personalised. The sensations within the body have been personalised - Sophie (label/thought) has said they're hers; the sensations have been filtered by the conditioning of Sophie's body-mind and thoughts have attached themselves.
Then we have story. The beautiful, complicated story of the separate self.
What is different now?
This is the strangest question to answer.
Not much but so much?!
The place I see this from. The space of where the seeing is?
How to put this into words.
The only words that seem to fit are that a switch has occurred.
I see from the space prior to the illusion arising rather than from the space AS the illusion?
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
These questions are so good; it feels wonderful; it feels normal; it feels like 'oh Jesus, yes, what? of course, there's no difference but such a difference!'
Maybe more words to describe will come, I'll keep doing my best.
It feels normal but extraordinarily normal. Like a supercharged normal that's been here forever and I can't imagine it not being like this.
I found a journal of mine from Christmas, so only a few months ago. It brings up emotions as typing is happening and this memory floats in. I started this dialogue only a couple of months ago max, and to see/recognise the before and after is a beautiful gift. The words and language I've used is all of 'spiritual' origin. I can see the trying, the almost there getting it but hanging around on the periphery. I used the word divine on one page and that word now doesn't connect in the way it used to. I don't have much feeling for the word right now. It's something I'd aspired to, conceptualised and thought I was trying to be but it's just another word that continues the layering of the illusion and an object for the separate self to attain.
I'd started to realise the switch having dipped into a few videos of Rupert Spira, Mooji and Lisa Cairns. I hear them completely differently now; I KNOW what they're talking about, I'm fully with them, IN that place where the words are coming from; it's like I'm hearing them from the inside now and not trying to get in. If this makes sense?
It's really interesting because I used to devour these videos, and now it's like there's nothing to 'gain' so the desire for them has lessened. I still enjoy listening if called to and most of the time I listen to a few seconds and turn it off.
There is much less suffering. And if suffering happens it is seen and is here. Sometimes suffering might happen and I become the suffering again, and that's ok too. It's all part of this. It's almost like suffering happens and it's not necessarily Sophie who is suffering, there is simply suffering. If it happens.
Sometimes the habit of confusing sensations and thoughts as Sophie happens and it's all an open journey to watch this unravel too.
Things seem clearer. Directions via my body are clearer. If something HAS to be said or done I know! It's loud and clear and there's no escaping it.
One day last week it was raining heavily and I was on my lunch break. I walked out of the office and onto the street and had this genuine rising of love-filled laughter. It was a laughing
with the rain rather than at it. Something like that. It was beautiful and messy and perfect all at the same time.
I'm falling in love with strangers as I sit listening to them at work; totally present and enjoying their stories, seeing the beauty of their story and loving that they're sharing with me.
I'm also experiencing a greater level of okness with being whatever is called for via this body mind.
If I'm not feeling like chatting I'll sit quietly at the reception desk and not make a fake effort. There is a lot less limitation by the label of 'having to be good person' and whatever that means to me; being more assertive? more blunt if it happens, just more of everything that's been called for but held back. It's so freeing to be Sophie without the limits of Sophie!!!!
There maybe more but that's all for now.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, that made you look?
Reading the LU book pushed me over. The combination of dialogues with Ilona and her guidees and the various chapters - especially the one on language, catalysed the switch. It was in this time I see it happened.
I am also aware that there has been a degree of belief in 'not' being awake. This is something that brought up a little frustration, but that's been seen through and now, I'm ok with that, I'm ok with the belief being there; it'll be there as long as it needs to be, it doesn't stop me from being awake and I don't need to change it. I'm not in a rush to change it, mostly :) A rush thought might come up, but it's soon seen and a remembering of how nothing's been in my control comes up.
It's nearly 9pm, I'm going to get ready for bed and send the rest tomorrow.
Much Love Vince,
Soph
