End the search

[Turnip]

Hi there

Being in nature seems to help most things. :)

I don't think I can deliberately think a though unless the thought 'Ok I am going to think a thought now' counts as a deliberate thought.

Even if that suggested 'deliberate thought' was apparently started by a 'you', would the exact timing be controlled and the wording? Also, how would that work? It it a thought that would initiate the 'thinking process'? Can a thought think thoughts?

2. No, I can never control what thought comes up.
3. No, I cannot stop a thought. I can try to ignore it or redirect my attention to something else but the thought does not go away on demand.
4. It seems to be coming from nowhere.
5. It just fades away, I have no idea where it goes. :)
6. I cannot. I can just see that the more relaxed I get, the longer the gaps.

Good observations.

Thanks for letting me know about your trip into the mountains. Great for being in a tranquil and receptive state. There's no need to communicate until you're back.

While you're away, if you wish you can also have a look at how actions happen. It's very similar in principle to our previous exercises. Choose two or three common activities like walking, breathing, brushing your teeth. See if 'I am walking' is more or less true than 'walking is happening' and so on. See which description feels more true. Also look to see if you actually initiate actions like picking up a cup or standing up after sitting. Look carefully to see how something like that happens. What is the actual process that's going on?

Make sure you remember to have a holiday and do some fun things.

With love

Tim

[Asha]

Hi Tim,

I hope you are doing well.

Just arrived back home. Thank you so much for giving the suggestions on what I could explore while being away. The place I was at was perfect to quiet the mind and do some looking.

Even if that suggested 'deliberate thought' was apparently started by a 'you', would the exact timing be controlled and the wording? Also, how would that work? It it a thought that would initiate the 'thinking process'? Can a thought think thoughts?

Indeed I did not control the timing or the wording. I was reading your instruction to try to deliberately think a thought and then the thought came in with that wording. A thought cannot think a thought or initiate the thinking process. Thoughts just seem to follow one after another.

Choose two or three common activities like walking, breathing, brushing your teeth. See if 'I am walking' is more or less true than 'walking is happening' and so on. See which description feels more true.

The description ‘walking is happening’ etc feels more true. I have this sense that even though the language is 'I am walking' it is not like I am suddenly gathering some effort and performing the walking. It happens effortlessly. Obviously when, for example, hiking in the mountains there is a sense that 'I' need to breathe deeper and put in more energy so there is an impression that someone / me is involved and controlling the action of walking.

Also look to see if you actually initiate actions like picking up a cup or standing up after sitting. Look carefully to see how something like that happens. What is the actual process that's going on?

It seems that there is some impulse or desire first often followed by a thought and then whatever action is desired it happens . A lot of times it happens unconsciously and I forget why / how I did something.

I look forward to receiving further guidance. So grateful to be able to do this.

Love,

Asha

[Turnip]

Hi Asha

It sounds as if you've had a good break and also continued to work on these mysteries. Perfect! :)

Indeed I did not control the timing or the wording. I was reading your instruction to try to deliberately think a thought and then the thought came in with that wording. A thought cannot think a thought or initiate the thinking process. Thoughts just seem to follow one after another.

So it seems that your experience of thought is that it appears to be 'spontaneous'. Is that fair to say?

The description ‘walking is happening’ etc feels more true.

Good investigation.

I have this sense that even though the language is 'I am walking' it is not like I am suddenly gathering some effort and performing the walking. It happens effortlessly. Obviously when, for example, hiking in the mountains there is a sense that 'I' need to breathe deeper and put in more energy so there is an impression that someone / me is involved and controlling the action of walking.

So what is happening here? What is effort? Please can you look again at 'picking up a cup' and 'standing up from sitting'. I want you to look at doing these actions 'deliberately', rather than looking back at when the actions appear to happen spontaneously. How do 'you' initiate these actions? What is the 'effort' that you put in to achieve them? Where and what is the controller? No theorising please, see if you can look at sensations and thoughts and whatever else arises here.

Good luck!

With love

Tim

[Asha]

Hi Tim,

Yes I did, thank you :)

So it seems that your experience of thought is that it appears to be 'spontaneous'. Is that fair to say?

Yes, 'spontaneous' feels like the right word to describe my experience of thought.

So what is happening here? What is effort? Please can you look again at 'picking up a cup' and 'standing up from sitting'. I want you to look at doing these actions 'deliberately', rather than looking back at when the actions appear to happen spontaneously. How do 'you' initiate these actions? What is the 'effort' that you put in to achieve them? Where and what is the controller? No theorising please, see if you can look at sensations and thoughts and whatever else arises here.

Okay, so when doing it 'deliberately' the process is like this:

1) A thought shows up about performing the action.
2) I am waiting for the action to happen but I cannot control the actual timing.
3) Then I am observing and feeling how the body is assuming a different position. In case of standing up the weight seems to be shifting to the feet and the body is leaning forward. Then I find myself in an upright position. In case of picking up a cup the hand is assuming position for holding. Then the sensation of temperature, texture arises when the cup is touched.

I don't know where and what is the controller. The mind gets very agitated though when I try to look at that and trying to tell me things like 'Don't be ridiculous, of course it is you controlling all of this'.

With love,

Asha

[Turnip]

Hi Asha

I don't know where and what is the controller. The mind gets very agitated though when I try to look at that and trying to tell me things like 'Don't be ridiculous, of course it is you controlling all of this'.

Haha! The careful case you have been building up about the illusory self has not gone unnoticed. :)

Try thanking the mind very much, even mentally bowing before it and thanking it for its concern. Ask it what is worrying it? Why does it feel threatened? Reassure the mind that you know it is only trying to protect you and that you appreciate it.

Be aware of body sensations and emotions during this as well.

Let me know what you find. :)

With love

Tim

[Asha]

Hi Tim

The mind feels like it's stuck in a loop. If I am asking the mind about its concerns isn't that just more mind? And I don't know anymore who is the one writing to you. Feels like an angry, confused person.

Feels like I am disappointing you with no better findings.

I am sorry..

Asha

[Turnip]

Hi Asha

This is a confusing search and many things don't make sense and that's OK. It would be wonderful if words could be used to just tell someone something, to apparently transfer knowledge and then seeing occurred. Unfortunately in this search, words can only be used to point in a general direction and then seeing may or may not occur. It will not occur for 'Asha' though as it didn't occur for 'Tim' as 'Asha' and 'Tim' are just characters in their apparent stories. Characters in a story can't write their own lines!

The technique of asking yourself questions seems wrong-headed but actually, most people talk to themselves often - eg apparently choosing between two yummy patisseries in a shop - 'Let's see, shall I have this one or that one?'. This technique of Ilona's takes that a step further with what she calls Deep Looking. You can apparently ask your mind questions and get useful answers and it's a technique that can really yield results. With the anger, you can ask your heart - 'Why are you angry?' and surprisingly, an answer may pop into your head.

You might find it helpful to look at Ilona's video on the technique here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7Uo4xPAimA&t=12s

Once again, there's no hurry, you're doing really well. See how you get on and let me know. :)

With much love

Tim

[Asha]

Hi Tim

Thank you again. The kindness flowing from your side is something amazing.

I think I am still not seeing what there is to be seen but I do feel something is opening up in the heart. All your pointers are very helpful in the process.

Last night after I tried the Deep Looking technique and asked my heart why it was angry, a sea of tears came and an apparent voice lamenting that I am not allowing the love coming my way, that I am closing myself off just in case I might get hurt.

The mind, on the other hand, feels panicked that it cannot provide logical answers. Its defense is to try to convince me that the agglomeration of thoughts I am experiencing is the one, fixed me and it's better not to touch it. There is some fear that if that collapses then I will not know what to do.

That's it for now.

With an open heart :)

Asha

[Turnip]

Wow Asha, this is so wonderful this opening up. :)

Have you noticed how little dogs make the most noise, fiercely barking at anyone who passes by, trying to protect their owner from harm? You can't question their loyalty and motivation but they can prevent their owners from having great experiences too. In some ways your mind may be like this fierce little dog at the moment. Give it love, thank it, let it ask as many questions as it wants and then ask it to step aside so you can see what it's protecting you from. You may get a surprise!

With love

Tim

[Asha]

Hi Tim

Amazing :) I have asked it to move aside and it turns out there is NOTHING there. I am not afraid anymore. Okay, maybe a little bit now as I am writing it I am ‘afraid’
that this will go away or I am just imagining it. But as I was walking to the train station (going to the Philharmonic now) I thought I would burst out in laughter at the irony of this discovery. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of!!! Wow!

I hope I will not burst out in laughter during the concert later today. That would not be good :)

Can’t stop smiling :)

Love,

Asha

[Turnip]

Hehe, enjoy it - you are discovering the so-called 'cosmic joke'. Have a good concert. Be in the moment and don't worry about what might or might not happen in the fictitious future.

Let me know what comes up for you later in the day or tomorrow.

I am just so pleased for you.

With love

Tim

[Asha]

Hi Tim

Had a beautiful day and came home feeling light as a feather :) Before the concert I had dinner with a friend and I was surprised to notice how present I was when with her. I was absorbing her with all my being and when responding to her it felt like what I was saying was more insightful than normal. I just knew what to say without thinking about it. Everything felt so vivid and real during that dinner.

At times I felt a wave of an overwhelming joy and love. It felt hard to contain.

There were also moments when the mind wanted to be noticed and some fear would be experienced in the body but it would dissolve pretty quickly and somehow I knew how to do it.

Right now I feel calm, content and feel like I want to taste life more, experience things, curious what they are like without the mind involved. In the body I feel pleasantly tired and ready to sleep. Sort of like a child after playing outside all day.

Thank you Tim so much :)

Love,

Asha

[Turnip]

Good morning Asha :)

I absolutely loved your description of your day. Just Wow! That intensity and focus and

I was absorbing her with all my being

- so spot on.

At times I felt a wave of an overwhelming joy and love. It felt hard to contain.

Could this actually be a sense of what just is, not something that is separate and needs to be or can be caught or contained? Why not look and see if you can sense this elsewhere, perhaps in nature, perhaps in the sensation of touch, perhaps in conversation, perhaps in a crumpled piece of paper or a typo on a page. Is there any boundary between inside and outside?

There were also moments when the mind wanted to be noticed and some fear would be experienced in the body but it would dissolve pretty quickly and somehow I knew how to do it.

Great to see this. Of course you are still a human being, still Asha as well. The mechanisms both physical and mental remain. In some ways this is the beginning of the journey, a wonderful journey with increased openness and an ability to engage in a loving way with the different aspects of what seems to be happening whether apparently internal or apparently external.

Loving this and thank you for sharing it with me.

Tim :)

[Asha]

Hi Tim :)

Thank YOU for letting me share it :)

I was away all day on an adventure :) This time I went mushroom picking. Being in nature I wanted to see what else might come up for me. I did notice that I was expecting and waiting for those amazing feelings I experienced yesterday and well the expectation is a big obstacle to experiencing 'what is'.

Could this actually be a sense of what just is, not something that is separate and needs to be or can be caught or contained? Why not look and see if you can sense this elsewhere, perhaps in nature, perhaps in the sensation of touch, perhaps in conversation, perhaps in a crumpled piece of paper or a typo on a page. Is there any boundary between inside and outside?

Reading this, it is more wishful thinking now than my own experience but at least I have this calm and confidence that everything is as it should be and will come in its own time (or not come which is ok too).

During the day I received 2 difficult phones calls. People close to me experiencing difficulties in life. I was present for them and more loving than I remembered I could be before. I did not have a sense that it was weighing me down and though the subject does show up in my thoughts, I know there is nothing to be done until the next moment when I am asked to be involved.

So even though there are no 'fireworks' today life just appears to be going as it should. No action feels rushed, no special conditions need to be there for me to be okay, everything is well.

Lots of love and gratitude,

Asha

[Turnip]

Hi Asha

I was away all day on an adventure :) This time I went mushroom picking. Being in nature I wanted to see what else might come up for me. I did notice that I was expecting and waiting for those amazing feelings I experienced yesterday and well the expectation is a big obstacle to experiencing 'what is'.

What a great thing to do. I feel maybe I contributed to those expectations with my last post - I was excited too. :)

Reading this, it is more wishful thinking now than my own experience but at least I have this calm and confidence that everything is as it should be and will come in its own time (or not come which is ok too).

What I described in my post to you should not be taken as 'you should now experience all these things'! Far from it. I was remembering how amazing everything was for me at times and how that feeling of excitement could be triggered by the strangest things! LOL. That calmness and confidence sounds wonderful.

During the day I received 2 difficult phones calls. People close to me experiencing difficulties in life. I was present for them and more loving than I remembered I could be before. I did not have a sense that it was weighing me down and though the subject does show up in my thoughts, I know there is nothing to be done until the next moment when I am asked to be involved.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties. It sounds as if you are finding more openness and love than before and are being less affected by thoughts. To be able to be present for people is one of the best things we can do. Such a blessing for you and for those around you.

So what to do now Asha? We can continue to chat about things as they arise or there may be areas that you particularly want to explore. There is just no hurry at all about anything.

With love

Tim