TRUTH REALIZING. WOULD LIKE TO WORK WITH ILONA

[Jenny]

It really feels more like the crossing its still going. It does not feel as the point of return has for sure passed. To the question is the line crossed? I would say i do not know, which probable means no.

So........???????? What now?

All love,

Jenny

[Ilona]

Ok, so what else is coming up? You can see by where resistance is felt. What else needs to be seen? What expectations are still at work?

Bring it all.

[Jenny]

Thank you so much for sticking with me. I thought you were going to say: "I cannot do anything else for you."
I do not even know what I need.
I cannot write today I am right now in a big rush to go to work but I will answer tomorrow. I am going to carefully look at your questions.
Thanks so much.
Jenny

[Jenny]

Hi Ilona:

I have been meditating on your questions and this is what i have to say:
EXPECTATIONS: I expect to have the kowing that there is no one here and the knowing that I am this energy form a deeper level, knowing it is an irrevocable truth. I know it, but I really have to look because it is sensed as if the me was here. Also, I do not know I am that energy, just I cloclude I am the energy when it is clearly seen its the only thing that exists. I know there is a deeper knowing. In other words the feeling is I know with the head but I do not feel it or completely experience it.
RESISTENCE: I have been meditation a lot on this one. I feel my main resistences are fears. All my fears (money and health) have to do with survival. So my question is I am resisting death? I am resisting the possibility of being sick, of being totally impotent or maybe not protected? Can I dive into these feeligs with no defense?. (Latey I am not sleeping all I need and therefore I am assuming its because of this fears that need to be more conscious and experienced.
NEED: I really do not know waht I need. I guess to really be willing to a deeper level to let go of everything and be willing to die.

All love and gratitude for this,

Jenny

[Ilona]

Dear Jenny.
Energy, life, reality, whatever you call it is real. It is felt and experienced. Perceiving is real.
But it's not a me. There is no me at all. I is a thought arising in awareness but it is not an owner of awareness nor energy same way as thought table is not.

Fear is only trying to protect. But take a closer look, is there anything that needs to be protected and from what?
Can this I die? Can a thought die? is thought alive?

Dig here a bit and write what you find.

Much love.

[Jenny]

Dear Ilona:

I did not answer yesterday because my mind was wanting to talk aboout a lot of stories of me. Very funny how it felt cornered and wanted to bla, bla bla.

But yesterday was a good day. I saw how my conditining, specially being a psychologist, would not stop when just seeing things but continue elaboratin on them with the mind un-observed.

I also saw that I have a continuous experience of the life, eterniyy, the void, from a long time ago but it is experienced as a me perceiving that. I could then see again the importance of looking at the idea of me. If I perceive this way, then the mind reminds utouched, unquestoned and unseen.

So, when doing that I started perceiving the other way around. It was very clear. it was "that" perceiving whatever was there including any thought or idea of me. There I felt a shift. There there no identification, just watching whatever happened. there was no resistence in doing whatever I was doing in the computer. then, suddenly a reaction happenned. there was more identification again.

This morning the tendency was again to watch from a a me as if it existed. The me was questioned and here the watching is happening again. (I know the watching never leaves, but when the supposition of a me is not seen it is as if...... the me would be watching.

The fact is the me does not exist and it seems it does as a conditioning not looked at.

all love,

Jenny

[Ilona]

Nice. Yes, there is only watching without doer of watching.

Does conditioning imply a me? Cats, dogs get conditioned, even fish, do that have a me? Conditioning is patterns, these patterns form as life goes on, and get seen when looked at, but can you call these patterns 'me'?

Look here. What is it that gets conditioned?

Sending love.

[Jenny]

Conditioning obviously does not imply a me. It is just a conditioned form. then the idea of a me if formed and then believed.

This shift I talked about yesterday seems like a figure ground shift. Instead of the me percieiving "what is", it transforms to "what is" perceiving the void, the forms, the objects, this body, this conditioning, any thought or any idea of me.

This is what has felt more important, and when the percieving from "what is" is not ovious and seems a me percieving I am just having a second look and trying to find de me.

Much love and thanks,

Jenny

[Ilona]

Nice. So is there a you?
Was there ever?
Does life happen to you, for you or as you, as this?

:)
Sending love.

[Jenny]

There is no me. There never was. Life does not happen "to me"" life is happening and this body or form is part of life happening.

Ilona, If this is seen, is it natural then to be percieving sometimes as if there were a me? does the awareness of "what is" watching itself in the void and in the forms grows? (in the sense of being more conscious of it?) (I know something unchangeable cannot grow). Another way to put it: does the conditioning to feel a me looses strength when looked at and looked at?

Much love,

Jenny

[Ilona]

Yes, the seeing becomes clearer with every belief dropped. This belief in the I is the core, the bulls eye of illusion. When it seen to be an illusion, it can be recognised over and over again, till mind stops checking. It may take some time to stabilise. The rest of conditioning around I has to been seen through too, if it does not fall off by itself. So keep looking. :)

Great that you came to realise that there never was a me. Please describe in detail, how does it feel to see this.

MUCH LOVE.

[Jenny]

When you refer to the rest of conditioning around I, can you give me examples?

Obviously if there is no me now, there was never one. If its just an idea that was always just and idea. There was never a real me. This is obviously very freeing. But it doesn't feel like a huge shift,it feels like a shift little by little.

love and gratitude

[Ilona]

Should it feel like a grand shift?
It is too easy to expect some Big Bang after reading how it was for other people. For me it was a gentle pufff and no grand shift at all, no forewords, just awae- wow, how come I never questioned that!

It does no matter how others describe it. All you need to take notice of is how it is for you. At this place comparison has no more meaning.

The rest of conditioning are noticed as strong reactions to certain thoughts and ideas, for example if something makes you angry or fear comes up. This is where toy look for hidden beliefs and see through them same way as you saw through illusion of separate entity 'me'.

So is it clear for you that the line has been crossed?

Much love.

[Jenny]

Why is it hard to say the line has been crossed I do not know. I know there is a subtle change happening and expanding. There is a knowing that there is no me here. there is a knowing that there is only "that" happening and that there is no doer.
There is still probably fear to identification, where the me could start feeling real again. I just hope it can be seen and seen and seen.
All love,
Jenny

[Ilona]

Of course it can be seen over and over, it is always available, if you look. If you are hesitating to say yes because if fear of identification returning, then look directly at that fear. What is it protecting and what is behind it.

Once you answer the final questions with clarity, you will be invited to aftercare groups for continuing support. This as you see is not an end, but a new start. Many things will come up and all beliefs will need to be seen through, this only opens the doors.

So investigate what is it exactly that you are holding on here. Is identification or not is up to you?

Sending love.