Calvin's journey to liberation

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

Are there any doubts?

There are no doubts. I just realised that my title "Calvin's journey to liberation" is funny and impossible. There's no Calvin who could be liberated. I see that "self" is not real, but this is still a little fuzzy. I can see that Calvin is a story, a fiction, like Batman, yet there still feels like a vague sense of me here.

Can you actually SEE in experience that the mind puts labels to the experience?
Or is this rather a logical conclusion?

No, this is a logical conclusion. It's an automatic process. It's very subtle. Thoughts appear in the mind as labels and descriptions. I have no control over this.

And how is “memory” happening in experience?
As an image? As a sensation? Or as another thought?

Memory appears as thoughts mostly. There can also be images. As with all thoughts, sensations can follow. For example, when thoughts appear about a regret, then contraction can happen in the body.

Does the I, the main character, Calvin, have any power over thoughts?
Or do thoughts just happen effortlessly, including thoughts about “They can seem personal.”?

Thoughts just arise, and they cannot be stopped. It seems possible to move attention from thoughts to something else, such as what is happening now. But it's not Calvin who can do this. It seems to happen automatically.

Does the anxiety belong to someone or something?

It seems to be about the Calvin (regret and fear); about what should have happened or will happen to him.

Can the one which feels the anxiety be found in experience?

This is a great question. At the moment there is a lot of suffering from the anxiety and depression. But who feels it and who is suffering? I will look into this more.


Thank you again. This is an exciting journey.

love Calvin.

[Luchana]

Hi Calvin,

Are there any doubts?

There are no doubts. I just realised that my title "Calvin's journey to liberation" is funny and impossible. There's no Calvin who could be liberated. I see that "self" is not real, but this is still a little fuzzy. I can see that Calvin is a story, a fiction, like Batman, yet there still feels like a vague sense of me here.

So good that you can see this. Yes, no one can travels towards liberation, because liberation is all there is. It's just doesn't belong to anyone :)
As for this vague sense of me - look.

Does the sense of me sugesting in any way that it is a sense of me?
What is it that makes this suggestion?

No, this is a logical conclusion. It's an automatic process. It's very subtle. Thoughts appear in the mind as labels and descriptions. I have no control over this.

Very good looking.

Is there something YOU control?

Memory appears as thoughts mostly. There can also be images. As with all thoughts, sensations can follow. For example, when thoughts appear about a regret, then contraction can happen in the body.

Exactly. Memory is nothing more that a thought content appearing.
But it can't be found at experience.

Thoughts just arise, and they cannot be stopped. It seems possible to move attention from thoughts to something else, such as what is happening now. But it's not Calvin who can do this. It seems to happen automatically.

Let's investigate this closer:

Close your eyes and sit quietly for 10-15 minutes.
Watch what focus does.

Focus on focusing, attention itself.
Is there anything moving attention, or it moves by itself?
Is there a focus-er?

Hold focus on breath - see how it moves to thoughts, sensations, sounds.
Is there something controlling it?
What moves attention?
Is thought in control of attention?

Thank you again. This is an exciting journey.

:-) it is

Much love
Luchana

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

Does the sense of me suggest in any way that it is a sense of me?

The sense of me is a thought and also often a feeling in the body, and arises with descriptions of a "me".

What is it that makes this suggestion?

This is just thought again, or a group of thoughts that describe the fictitious Calvin. And there are thoughts that believe the description, and then more thoughts criticising the fictitious person. What a circus...

Is there something YOU control?

There are a lot of things I think I control, or would like to control. But the truth is that all just seems to happen - moods, anxiety, thoughts, preferences, even actions? The problem seems to be that I think I can control things.

Is there anything moving attention, or it moves by itself?

It seems to move on its own.

Is there a focus-er?

No If focusing happens on its own, then there can't be a focus-er. It just happens.

Hold focus on breath - see how it moves to thoughts, sensations, sounds.
Is there something controlling it?

The suggestion to focus on the breath moves the focus to the breath. But then the focus moves on its own to other places.

What moves attention?

It seems to move on its own.

Is thought in control of attention?

No. Thought is in control of nothing.


Have a lovely day.

love Calvin

[Luchana]

Hi Calvin,

an exellent looking with the attention questions.

This is just thought again, or a group of thoughts that describe the fictitious Calvin. And there are thoughts that believe the description, and then more thoughts criticising the fictitious person. What a circus...

:-) exactly.
Is there anyone doing the circus?
Is there an expectation that the circus/the story will stop playing?

There are a lot of things I think I control, or would like to control. But the truth is that all just seems to happen - moods, anxiety, thoughts, preferences, even actions? The problem seems to be that I think I can control things.

Oh, so sweet and sad in a way ... this desire to control.

But is it like this in reality?
Does a thougth about control makes control happen?


Let's play a little bit:-)

Please put some chocolate (or something you think you shouldn’t eat or drink) in front of you. Look at it. Inspect it closely. Smell its delicious fragrance. And pay attention to emerging desire to eat it.

When the desire is there, pay close attention to the thought process.
See how thoughts list pros and cons why you should or shouldn’t eat the chocolate.
These opposing thoughts might even try to argue or convince each other what to decide.

What is it that is considering these options?
Is there anything that is listing the pros and cons, or only just thoughts appear about pros and cons? – look very carefully

Now, make a decision, but whatever you decide, don’t eat the chocolate (yet). Rather just pay very close attention when the decision is made. Particularly pay attention to thoughts, as the decision is made.

Let’s say a thought appear: “I decided not to eat the chocolate”
So the thought about the decision just appeared. What made that thought to appear?
Can you find the thing that made that decision, apart from the presence of the thought about the decision?
How exactly the decision is made?

Now, act according to the decision. (Either eat or don’t eat the chocolate.)
What is it that performed the chosen action?


Much love,
Luchana

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

Is there anyone doing the circus?

No, the circus is just happening.

Is there an expectation that the circus/the story will stop playing?

There is a hope, yes, but I see that it will continue to do it's thing, regardless of the expectation.

But is it like this in reality?

Not at all.

Does a thougth about control makes control happen?

No. Thoughts can't do anything.


I have to travel now for a few days. I did the choice exercise before, but I will do it again over the weekend at my sister's house :-).

Thank you again for your patience and support. I am very grateful.

Much love.

Calvin.

[Luchana]

Hi Calvin,

you did very good looking.

There is a hope, yes, but I see that it will continue to do it's thing, regardless of the expectation.

Exactly :-) The story IS continue...
Regardless hope and expectations.

Is there something or someone hoping and expecting?
Something separate from the whole?
Or there are just sensations labelled "hope" and "expectation"?

I have to travel now for a few days. I did the choice exercise before, but I will do it again over the weekend at my sister's house :-).

Thank you for letting me know - sure you can make the the choice exercise again, but use each opportunity (life offers them all the time) to check control and decision making in various situations during the day. Incorporate looking in your dayly activities.

And here is something for you to contemplate.

Are you familiar with Bahiya Sutta (supposedly form Buddha)? –

In the seen, there is only the seen,
in the heard, there is only the heard,
in the sensed, there is only the sensed,
in the cognized, there is only the cognized.
Thus you should see that
indeed there is no thing here;
this, Bahiya, is how you should train yourself.
Since, Bahiya, there is for you
in the seen, only the seen,
in the heard, only the heard,
in the sensed, only the sensed,
in the cognized, only the cognized,
and you see that there is no thing here,
you will therefore see that
indeed there is no thing there.
As you see that there is no thing there,
you will see that
you are therefore located neither in the world of this,
nor in the world of that,
nor in any place
betwixt the two.
This alone is the end of suffering.” (ud. 1.10)

Please read it several times, and check it in experience, line by line, if it’s true.
Let me know what you find.

Thank you again for your patience and support. I am very grateful.

Thank you for the kind words. You are most welcome.

Much love
Luchana

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

Is there something or someone hoping and expecting?

If I'm honest, there seems to be a Calvin who hopes, but when I look for Calvin and don't find him, hope and expectations are seen as just thoughts that come and go.

Something separate from the whole?

Separation can seem real, but when I really look, there is no separation.

Or there are just sensations labelled "hope" and "expectation"?

Yes, just sensations labels of hope and expectation.

Are you familiar with Bahiya Sutta (supposedly form Buddha)?

Yes, I have read this in Ilona's book. It is beautiful, but I don't fully understand all of it. I will keep re-reading it :-).

I willl continue also looking at the choice making process in my daily experience.


Love Calvin

[Luchana]

Hi Calvin,

Separation can seem real, but when I really look, there is no separation.

Yes, it is very common 99,99% of the people in the world :) experience this separation.
But notice what separation is made of?

Are you familiar with Bahiya Sutta (supposedly form Buddha)?

Yes, I have read this in Ilona's book. It is beautiful, but I don't fully understand all of it. I will keep re-reading it :-).

What is not clear in it?


Take your time

Much love
Luchana

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

Thank you for your reply.

But notice what separation is made of?

It seems that separation is created by thoughts, and by labelling things. Is this it?

What is not clear in it (Bahiya Sutta) ?

I have read it many more times, and the feeling here is that it speaks of the emptiness of all phenomena, including ourselves. There is no seer, hearer, cogniser etc. As I read it, I feel myself disappear into that emptiness. It is very beautiful. I will read it again and again.


Have a wonderful day,

love Calvin.

[Luchana]

Hi Calvin,

But notice what separation is made of?

It seems that separation is created by thoughts, and by labelling things. Is this it?

Wonderfull!
Is there an expectation that thoughts and labeling will stop?
There is no you even now and still there are thoughts about a seeming separation.
Why seeing through illusion change this?
The question is - is there a real separation?
Is there an you thought maker?
Someone who arrived in life and started thinking about it? Started taste reality, smell it, hear it, feel it? Or there is just reality - colours, sensations sounds,smells, tastes and thoughts?

What is not clear in it (Bahiya Sutta) ?

I have read it many more times, and the feeling here is that it speaks of the emptiness of all phenomena, including ourselves. There is no seer, hearer, cogniser etc. As I read it, I feel myself disappear into that emptiness. It is very beautiful. I will read it again and again.

I see where you stuck. The belief is that there is you who is part of phenomena :) and the expectation is that this you will disappear in emptiness, but this sutra is to find that there is no you and never was.
Notice again, In the seen there is only the seen - look around, this is it. There is no you who arrived here to see this. There is just this - in the seen is only the seen.
Is there someone outside what is seen to see it, outside life to see life?
Outside reality to see reality?
...you are therefore located neither in the world of this,
nor in the world of that,
nor in any place
between the two...
What and where this point to?
Where is you? Is there an you at all?


Much love,
Luchana

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

Is there an expectation that thoughts and labeling will stop?

There is an expecation that the mind might become silent, or at least less noisy, yes.

There is no you even now and still there are thoughts about a seeming separation.
Why would seeing through illusion change this?

Good question. Yes, logically if there is no me now, then seeing through illusion would not change this. This needs to be fully experienced/seen/known.

The question is - is there a real separation?

The separation is assumed or imagined through beliefs and ideas. If there is no thinking arising, then separation is not experienced, but when there is a feeling and description of a me, then there is a notion of self and other.

Is there a you thought maker?

Definately not. Thoughts arrive on their own.

Someone who arrived in life and started thinking about it? Started to taste reality, smell it, hear it, feel it? Or is there just reality - colours, sensations sounds,smells, tastes and thoughts?

Thinking is not necessary to experience. So there would just be experiencing of all of these things. Nothing would need to be or could be done to experience, because experiencing happens automatically. This is true of babies or very young children, who have no vocabulary to think with.

I see where you are stuck. The belief is that there is a you who is part of phenomena :)
Is there someone outside of what is seen to see it, outside of life to see life?
Outside reality to see reality?

No, there is not a me outside of what is seen or outside of life. I can't be separate from life. This is fascinating to look at. I must be inseparable from reality, from what is, yet... (below)

...you are therefore located neither in the world of this,
nor in the world of that,
nor in any place
between the two...
What and where is this pointing to?
Where is you? Is there an you at all?

The mind is struggling with this. There is a point of reference from which things are apparently experienced, and people call this Calvin. I suppose this point of reference has no location as such. Could this be called a person? But the person is just a concept, a group of descriptions, so in this respect, there is no definitive Calvin. I can only find thoughts about Calvin, including memories. Yet something is experiencing, including the arrival of thoughts. Am I on the right track? I'll keep looking...


Thank you Luchana.

love Calvin.

[Luchana]

Hi Calvin,
Nice work.

Let's start from the end:

The mind is struggling with this. There is a point of reference from which things are apparently experienced, and people call this Calvin. I suppose this point of reference has no location as such.

The point of reference is a mental construction.
What words non-dual and not two point to?
What Buddha point with "In the seen there is only the seen"?
Is it possible that someone arrived here and start seeing what is here?
Where this one comes from?
Notice what this sentence point to - There's just this?

Could this be called a person? But the person is just a concept, a group of descriptions, so in this respect, there is no definitive Calvin. I can only find thoughts about Calvin, including memories. Yet something is experiencing, including the arrival of thoughts. Am I on the right track? I'll keep looking...

Wonderfull - person is a concept and can be found only in the thoughts-story.
Can a thought build real Cavin?
Can thoughts experienced? Or thoughts are also experience?
What is real experiencer or expirience?
Yes thoughts explain that there is calvin who is experiencing his life, but notice - can thoughts know who they are coming for?

No, there is not a me outside of what is seen or outside of life. I can't be separate from life. This is fascinating to look at. I must be inseparable from reality, from what is, yet... (below)

"I can't be separate from life" + "I must be inseparable from reality, from what is"
Is there an you part of life or there is just life happening?
Is there an you inseparable from reality or there is just reality?
Is there an you arrive here? Or there is just here?

Let's look this:

There is an expecation that the mind might become silent, or at least less noisy, yes.

and this:

Definately not. Thoughts arrive on their own.

The thoughts are small part of life and not importand even, the life is just more juicy with thoughts. Why thoughts must be less noisy?
The thought "waterfall" - life is happening like a waterfall or like a thought?
Is there even one drop water in thought "waterfall"?
There are 100 thoughts "waterfall" - blue one, big one,noisy one...where is the problem?

The separation is assumed or imagined through beliefs and ideas. If there is no thinking arising, then separation is not experienced, but when there is a feeling and description of a me, then there is a notion of self and other.

Does a thougth have a super power?
To create real separation? To create me? Or water?
Notice what is real and what is not?

Definately not. Thoughts arrive on their own.

So, is there an you who create the story about Calvin and others?
What is the problem with the story?
Is there someone responsible for what story the thoughts are creating?

Take your time
Much love,
Luchana

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

What words non-dual and not two point to?

Only one, whole, no separation.

What did Buddha point to with "In the seen there is only the seen"?

Seeing is happening, without a seer.

Is it possible that someone arrived here and started seeing what is here?
Where would this one come from?

Great question. I have nowhere to go with this. I have to admit that this points to there being only oneness. Nobody could come from somewhere else. Like you ask, where would thery come from?

Notice what this sentence points to - There's just this?

Just this, meaning nothing else, nowhere else, just what is happening, here and now, direct experience.

Can a thought build a real Cavin?

No, of course not :-). But a thought can certainly build a ficticious Calvin along with his story, failures, anxiety etc. When this is believed, trouble comes. The thinkg here is to see though the ficticious Calvin.

Can thoughts experience? Or are thoughts also experience?

No, thoughts cannot experience anything. But thoughts are experienced / seen. When the "me" is beleived in, then the toughts becom personal and real.

What is a real experiencer or experience?

Well there is no such thing as a real experiencer (Calvin is a set of descriptions). There is only experiencing.

Yes thoughts explain that there is calvin who is experiencing his life, but notice - can thoughts know who they are coming for?

No, thoughts have no intelligence to know who they are coming for. They only arise one by one. However, additional thoughts can come that give the impression that the thoughts apply to the ficiticious "me".

"I can't be separate from life" + "I must be inseparable from reality, from what is"

Is there a you as part of life or is there just life happening?

Without thought (of self), life appears to be just happening, including this "being". But, admittedly, it often feels like there is a Calvin living life and needing to make decisions etc.

Is there a you inseparable from reality or is there just reality?

Outside of thoughts / the mind, there is just reality.

Is there a you who arrived here? Or is there just here?

There is no memory of a me coming here. There is always just here, present.

The thoughts are a small part of life and are not even important, life is just more juicy with thoughts. Why should thoughts be less noisy?

I suppose there's no reason for thoughts to be less noisy, just nobody who they are coming for.

The thought "waterfall" - life is happening like a waterfall or like a thought?
Is there even one drop water in thought "waterfall"?
There are 100 thoughts about "waterfall" - blue one, big one, noisy one... where is the problem?

There is no water in the thought "waterfall". There is no problem for 100 waterfall thoughts :-). There may seem to be a problem for the thought-based "me" if the thought was negative.

Does a thought have a super power?
To create real separation? To create me? Or water?

No. No powers at all, to create anything. Thoughts arise on their own, seamingly randomly, and mostly unwanted by the me. Thoughts naturally label everything, giving the impression of separation. There doesn't seem to be an intention to separate, it's just what they do, as well as descriptions of a "me" based on memories and beliefs.

Notice what is real and what is not?

Direct experience is real. Thoughts are also real, but they are not pointing to, or creating anything real. They describe, and create images that are not real. When thoughts are believed, what they descripbe can seem real

So, is there a you who creates the story about Calvin and others?

No. Thoughts arise about Calvin and others, describing memories and commenting on what is happening and creating stories about the past or the future. The "me" is described by thoughts.

What is the problem with the story?

The problem with the story is when it is believed, and separation arises. The belief is just another thought.

Is there someone responsible for what story the thoughts are creating?

No. Not at all. Story thoughts arise spontaneously. They can be based on the past memories. They are either believed or not.


There is still a lot of anxiety going on at the moment - the story of Calvin with regrets and fears.


Thank you for sharing this wonderful journey with me.


love Calvin.

[Luchana]

Hi Calvin,
Nice work!

What words non-dual and not two point to?

Only one, whole, no separation.

Exactly! Excellent!

What did Buddha point to with "In the seen there is only the seen"?

Seeing is happening, without a seer.

Is there seeing and seen? Or they are one and the same?

Is it possible that someone arrived here and started seeing what is here?

Where would this one come from?
Great question. I have nowhere to go with this. I have to admit that this points to there being only oneness. Nobody could come from somewhere else. Like you ask, where would thery come from?

Yes! Stay with this. Notice what brings information that there is an you droped here like a soldier in the middle of the jungle and start fighting with this danger and wild place?
Notice that what brings this information is not you.
Yes, what is, is wild but there is only this and there is no you who must deal with it, who have the power to influence it.

Can thoughts experience? Or are thoughts also experience?

No, thoughts cannot experience anything. But thoughts are experienced / seen. When the "me" is beleived in, then the toughts becom personal and real.

Yes! But see that these are only thoughts, there is no you. This is the key. Thoughts appear but not for you :)
Look this only once. The Gateless Gate can be crossed only once. What is seen can not be unseen.

There is still a lot of anxiety going on at the moment - the story of Calvin with regrets and fears.

Yeees, this imaginary soldier must to carry all the suffering :)
Just notice that the story is just a story, thoughts happening.
And notice also the fear.
Fear is here, and do its job very well, isn't it? But look behind the fear.
Who or what fear protects?
Is there someone or something?

Take your time
Much love,
Luchana

[calvinb]

Dear Luchana,

I have been recording your questions and listening to them over again to help in my looking :-).

Is there seeing and seen? Or they are one and the same?

When I look, seeing and seen seem to one thing. I can't separate the two without conceptualising.

Yes, what is, is wild but there is only this and there is no you who must deal with it, who has the power to influence it.

Only this. What's happening now. Nobody to change it. Only observe what is happening.

Yes! But see that these are only thoughts, there is no you. This is the key. Thoughts appear but not for you :)
Look this only once. The Gateless Gate can be crossed only once. What is seen can not be unseen.

Yes, I am seeing this more and more. Thoughts are observed as they come and go. Some are more sticky, especially the negative ones. The trick is catching them before they take over. There is also a resting in the seeing or the observing, which is relaxing.

Fear is here, and do its job very well, isn't it? But look behind the fear.
Who or what fear protects?
Is there someone or something?

Fear is all about the unknown future, based on imaginings or gathered or predicted information. It comes for the false me, who is scared for it's existence and well-being. However, as you say, it is just a story. RIght here right now, all is well. There is nobody to protect.


Thank you so much Luchana.


love Calvin.