Hi Warissem,
Thanks for your response and patience throughout this process. I have reviewed our entire interaction, and have a couple comments:
In your first response to me you said:
The truth is that : the experience is trully here now but beliefs are different from the experience.
I didn't know what this meant when I read it the first time, but I can see it now. Beliefs are concepts that are being layered as a filter of the raw experience. But those beliefs and concepts are also part of experience. A cloud cannot exist without a sky to be in.
Early in this dialog you asked about my expectations. My answer was as follows:
I have a loose understanding of what I expect from descriptions others have given, but when I truly try to put those to the side, it’s very hard to say what I actually expect. I guess the best description would be “prolonged states of being /here/”. When I try to just experience raw sensations in the exact moment of now, I am “here” for an instant, but not long enough to really feel immersed/present. The thoughts and labels come so incredibly quickly, that I almost don't even have a sense for what those sensations really /are/. It feels like I go from processing a sight/smell/feeling to analyzing that sight/smell/feeling so quickly, that there almost isn’t a distinction between the two concepts.
After reflecting on this sentiment, I have a couple thoughts: I still feel this haziness between the mental activity and the "physical" perception of sensations, however I now have experienced that they are both just experience, and neither are "my" own. Though this is not my default state. As you said in your last response, I can say with confidence that the knowing of the experience and the knowing of thoughts about the experience are both clear, which I absolutely could not say with confidence before our conversation. There is no longer the expectation to "prolong" these states, or to "get rid of thoughts", but rather just to be aware of thought content as thought content.
Your response was the following:
You are always being here 24/7. There is no need to prolong something. Yes there are sensations, thoughts and labels, it is normal and ordinary.
When I read this response the first time, it did not register with me. To me it felt like there were two separate states of being -- being aware, and being on autopilot. In some ways this still feels true, but when I look closely, I can see that even while being absorbed in the contents of thoughts, "i" am still here, always. To use your words, the sky is still there despite there being clouds. I see this.
Later you asked, and I responded:
Is there a separate self driving the show ?
No one is driving the show, the show is happening always. 90% of my day I forget there is even a show, and when I do spontaneously remember, I realize that even though I wasn’t actively aware during that period of time prior to “waking up”, that the show was still going on nonetheless. When I do remember there is a show, I try to process just the visceral sensations I am experiencing, but almost immediately find myself adding labels/sinking into thoughts.
This is still true in my experience. Having seen more clearly the lack of a self driving the show, this feels more concrete in my experience, however my answer still remains the same.
I also reviewed our dialog regarding intentions and the nature of thoughts, and realize that my understanding of how they "work" has changed dramatically from our interaction, and from looking very closely at how they arise/change.
At one point I gave an answer:
There were no body sensations that were me. Almost feels like i am whats "behind" all the sensations. When I touched my face i did not feel "behind them" in the directional sense, but behind them in a observational sense, like they were on a screen.
To which you responded:
Look at direct experience and tell me if awareness is behind sensations ? If it is the case, there will be a separation between them. Have you seen really that there is no separation between the knowing and what is known ?
And I now see that even the idea of “separation” of my sensations is not real. Awareness is not “behind” sensations.
Today you asked:
Is there any doubt about seeing through the illusion of a separate self ?
There is no doubt that i have had direct experiences that have fundamentally changed my perception of “I”. The phrase “Illusion of separate self” is still a bit ambiguous to me though. I have seen clearly that there is no “I” running the show. I have seen there is no separation between “me” and experience. I have seen, for short periods of time, through pure sensate experience, that that is all there is. I have seen how fast the filter of my thoughts/labels construct “me”. So in some sense, there is no doubt of what I have seen. But it doesn’t fully feel real/solidified because I cannot maintain this experience. It is not my default. It is not easily reproducible for me.
I have also seen that when I am looking without labels, that there is very rapid perception of sensate reality, and it is seen as "one at a time". I cannot clearly perceive a thought and sensation at the exact same moment. I can see attention/awareness move very quickly between objects.
Today I went back and watched the two videos you previously linked:
In this second video, she expresses feelings of joy and delight and awe. And I currently am unable to relate to this at this moment. I feel ease, and extreme curiosity and desire to understand better, but these feel like thoughts. So when you ask:
Is seeking still going on and if so, what are you looking for?
I would be lying if “I” said I wasn’t still seeking in some capacity. I am seeking for more clear seeing. I am seeking for the ability to not seek. I can see these are concepts, and I can see that they are not “me”, yet they remain at times very strongly.
Without doubt, I am (at times) able to distinguish my true direct experience and sensations before the labeling/thoughts/filter. This is something I didn’t even know was possible before our conversation. I get caught up in thoughts about thoughts, and have been trying to just relax, and see them for what they are. So... as a very long winded answer to your question. I do not know if I am ready for the final questions or not. I sense that I am on the beginning of a journey, with a better toolset to understand my "true" nature, though I do not feel like there has been massive shift in my "being". I hope what I am explaining makes sense. I recognize that there are a lot of concepts/ego in my answer, but I am trying to be as honest and straightforward as I can with you to respect the time and energy that you are dedicating to "me"... a stranger on the internet. I am extremely grateful.
-Pockets (Kevin).
