Hi Vivien,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No, the 'I' never existed. It is just a story created by thought. A labelling of certain sensations/perceptions as 'me'. In DE these sensations and perceptions are just objects, just like all other objects that equally arise.
2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
When the thought is believed that a separate 'I' exists, this then leads to the belief that there is a 'me' responsible for managing thoughts, controlling actions, making decisions and so on. This can make daily life feel exhausting and heavy, the constant burden of making decisions, having to use mental acrobatics to keep up identities and navigate life, judge and analyse thoughts etc.
Through inquiry, when the separate self is clearly seen as non-existent, life is the same but it now feels lighter. The sensations and perceptions of the mind and body are just objects arising like every other object in DE.
Rather than believing that there is an 'I' that has a freedom of choice, there is now a clear freedom FROM choice. It is relieving to see that there is nobody there doing anything, it's all just one big effortless play. There is more acceptance to what is, a surrendering, just everything being as it is.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Things just feel lighter, it is relieving to be free from all the constant effort that was required to keep up the appearances of an 'I'. Things can just be let be.
Before this dialogue, there were definitely still subtle beliefs that were reinforcing the separate self. A strong desire to understand non-duality, an expectation of what awakening should feel like, and also the belief that 'I' had some control over attention.
The investigations that you have put me through have really clarified that there is no 'I' here, and have shed light on the fact that the beliefs listed above are also just thoughts, content that appears in DE. They are not 'me'. Believing in the content of these thoughts just reinforce the separate self.
There is still zooming in on thought, but the recognition that there is no self and that thoughts are just objects in DE happens much more quickly and frequently now, which naturally creates a strong state acceptance and surrender, where everything can effortlessly arise and fall on its own without anybody doing anything. DE feels much more restful.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
It has felt more like a steady process over the last several weeks but one of the pivotal moments for sure was when you made me question who actually has the strong desire to find the self. This really made clear that the burning desire to understand non-duality and find the self was just thoughtness, and a belief in this thoughtness was clouding what actually already is. The awareness that is already here without any effort, 'behind' (if you could say that) all the content that appears.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
These are all just labels and concepts created by thought. Through thorough investigation in DE, free will simply does not exist. It is illogical. There is no awareness of anything outside of DE, objects can only be observed once they are in experience. There's nothing observable outside of DE, pulling the strings and navigating life. Everything arises and happens effortlessly without any entity making it happen.
Some examples:
- There were several meal options for lunch that could've been chosen today. Thoughts just arose in experience. After a stream of thoughts there was then a final thought/desire to eat one meal more so than the others. These all appeared spontaneously without anybody deciding anything
- The body functions effortlessly. The heart beats, breathing occurs, digestions happens all without anybody putting in effort. Likewise, functions such as walking, lifting up a mug or opening a door also happen without effort.
- Conversations happen organically and flow naturally without anybody actually putting in any effort. Nobody is moving the mouth, creating sounds and choosing what words come out. It is just arising effortlessly.
One thing that has been noticed is that in a situation when a decision needs to be made, when trying to wait for an 'I' to make a choice, this seems to cause an inability for a decision to happen, since an 'I' never makes a choice, there are just thoughts/desires that appear. Yet when it is seen that there is no 'I', there is a growing acceptance and surrender and everything seems to flow effortlessly.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
There is no 'I' responsible for anything. Everything arises on its own without any effort from anybody, and so there is nobody present to be responsible for anything.
Despite experientially seeing that there is not an 'I', nothing has changed in a worldly sense. What needs to be done is done. When I'm at work, the tasks at hand are still completed, in my personal life all my commitments and duties are upheld, but there is nobody responsible for controlling and performing these. These responsibilities just arise and are fulfilled effortlessly.
6) Anything to add?
No not really, there has been a recurring thought over the past few days, a doubting thought as to whether non-duality is just simply another belief that has replaced an old belief, and whether it is a form of spiritual bypassing etc etc.
This however is seen as a thought arising in DE. A belief is just another thought, more content in DE. DE is just the effortlessly allowing of all appearances.
I would also just like to say a big thank you for taking the time to guide me along this investigation over the past several weeks. I'm very very grateful :)
Cheers,
Reece
