Please answer the following questions with some detail please, and answer what's true for you rather than any sort of 'ideal' answer. Also please provide examples where asked. There are some topics you might’ve written about in the last few days, but please write them about again, as if this were the first time talking about them.
I have dispensed with non-duality language here for convenience and ease of communication.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No – there is no ‘self’, ‘me’ or ‘I’ to be found in direct experience, nor has it ever existed in reality.
2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience.
The ‘self’ exists only as thought and the various manifestations of thought – including memories, beliefs, assumptions, concepts, emotions and conditioning based on past experiences – all woven together (by other thoughts happening) to create and sustain a ‘story of me’. This ‘story of me’ started in early childhood when we were given names by our parents and taught to answer to them, shown a body in the mirror and told that’s who we were (separate from our parents’ bodies and everything else around us), taught to curb natural impulses and spontaneous expression in the guise of ‘good behaviour’ (which we were praised for) and other conditionings which encouraged self-identification with the body as an autonomous, separate entity.
As we get older, our identity as a separate ‘self’ is reinforced through interactions with supposed ‘others’ and who we think we are is increasingly defined by how we appear to them (as a body) and their perception of our thought-story (as a personality). Over time, constant repetition of the ‘story of me’ happening as thoughts from moment to moment creates the illusion of a ‘self’ as a static, unchanging entity contained within the body that is moving through life separate from others and the world around it.
The illusion of ‘self’ shows up for me in a number of situations, which include:
When my name is called
Upon hearing the word ‘Tom’ called from another room, I experience the illusion of ‘self’ as a sudden feeling of separateness between a ‘me’ contained within the body and who or what is ‘out there’ that this ‘Tom’ will soon need to interact with. Additionally, I experience a lot of thoughts happening simultaneously and effortlessly to quickly recreate this ‘story of me’ (familiar memories, beliefs, assumptions, concepts, emotions and conditioning) - almost as a reminder as to who this ‘Tom’ character is - before seemingly solidifying into a static entity and reference point for the interaction to follow.
During times of confrontation and personal attacks (on opinions, beliefs etc.)
In these situations, I experience the illusion of ‘self’ as a sensation of contraction within the body, almost like it is closing in on all sides to protect this ‘me’ inside from negative forces ‘out there’ and provide a safe vantage point to fight back from. It is also experienced as the sensation of shallow breathing, dry mouth, rapid heartbeat and nausea in the stomach, all of which exacerbate the feeling of a ‘self’ being localised in the body as ‘feeler’ of sensations.
When anger arises
In times of anger, I experience the illusion of ‘self’ as sensations in the body - heat and tension in the chest, neck and throat and tightness of the jaw – and intense thoughts and emotions all happening simultaneously. At the same time, there arises a strong feeling of a ‘me’ inside the body that is separate from and in opposition to whoever or whatever is ‘out there’ causing the anger, who is working extremely hard to control these emotions and contain them inside the body.
Physical pain
A strong sense of a 'self' contained within the body that is feeling the pain.
Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
Before the inquiry, there was an undeniable sense of me being a body and everything I was (thoughts, ideas, beliefs, feelings, emotions, personality etc.) contained within this body. Now the awareness of a ‘me’ extends way beyond the body and feels boundless with all things – including the body – contained within it.
While the illusion of ‘self’ still appears on occasion – especially during times of conflict – it no longer feels like a tangible entity upon which negativity and criticism of abilities, beliefs and values etc. would leave significant and lasting imprints it would need to carry around (like a mammoth walking around with arrows in its side). Instead, this illusory ‘self’ feels far more hazy, without substance (invisible even) and completely detached from the abilities, beliefs and values it once believed it was. As a result, it feels like there is nothing left for incoming arrows to attach themselves to – they just fly right through without leaving a mark – and I feel more detached and less reactive to these situations than previously.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Before I started this dialogue, I saw separation everywhere – I was separate to others, we were separate to, and moving through, a static and dense world of matter - trees, grass, rocks, water (anything that wasn’t us) – and these things were separate from each other. All intelligence came from within us as thoughts and ideas which we ‘birthed’ into existence and manifested their creations into the world through the sheer strength of our own wills. Close family and friends aside, I was otherwise alone and in constant struggle with a harsh and unaccommodating world ‘out there’ and my ability to survive was dependent on my thoughts, decisions and actions, all of which were down to me.
As I have gone through this dialogue, there has been a gradual softening and falling away of the perceived separation between ‘self’ and ‘other’, ‘us’ and ‘nature’, subject as ‘experiencer’ (in here) and objects as ‘experienced’ (out there) until the world, the wider universe and everything contained within it now appears as a single unified process that is constantly changing and expressing itself in different ways, but all dancing to the same tune of life.
I am also filled with wonder at the vast intelligence of the universe and its capacity to create so spontaneously. Discovering that ideas, decisions and feelings are not something willed into being by a ‘self’ but rather thoughts just happening automatically has given me a newly found trust in life itself to provide whatever is needed to steer the ship so I can let go of the wheel and be led wherever it takes me.
By far, the greatest gift of all is being much more present with what is happening right now. While these moments used to be fleeting at best - barely interrupting the thoughts and internal jabber of life going on inside the head - they are now becoming more commonplace to the extent it requires effort to think about something that hasn’t happened yet. Where the head was once full of past ruminations and future uncertainties all fighting for attention to be the next source of worry, anxiety and fear, there is just now and what is being seen, heard, sensed, tasted, smelled in experience.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
When I discovered that awareness was not something that experiences were happening ‘in’ or ‘on’ (like painting colours on a blank canvas) but that awareness and knowing were contained within experience itself, as it was happening. Without awareness, there can be no experience. At that moment, the duality of ‘experiencer’ and ‘experienced’ ceased to be, there was just experience! Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, sensation and thoughts all happening at the same time and being experienced by no one.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
All of the above are thought stories based on the illusion of ‘self’ in the role of ‘decider’, ‘intender’, ‘chooser’, ‘doer’ and ‘controller’. In reality, there are just thoughts and experiences (as felt through the 5 senses) happening automatically and spontaneously without anyone or anything ‘birthing’ them into existence.
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Choice and decision
- Thoughts are happening automatically
- Some different thoughts – about a decision to be made (e.g. what do I want for lunch today?) and options to choose from (e.g. Pizza, Sushi, Sandwich, Thai Curry, McDonalds etc.) – happen automatically and at random, one at a time
- The selection of one of these thoughts as the ‘decision’ (e.g. Pizza) – happens as a thought, automatically and completely random
- The thought of ‘I’ intervenes to label this thought as a ‘decision’ and assume ownership as its ‘decider’
Intention
- Thoughts are happening automatically
- Among the random thoughts going on, a thought about an action happens automatically (e.g. touching the toes)
- The movement of the body happens automatically to touch the toes. This happens completely independent of thoughts about touching toes happening
- Thoughts happen to establish a connection between the thoughts about the action (touching the toes) and the action itself
- The thought of ‘I’ intervenes to label this thought as an ‘intention’ and assume ownership as its ‘intender’
Control
- The movement of the body happens automatically to perform an action (e.g. pour a cup of tea)
- Thoughts about the action of pouring a cup of tea happen automatically
- The thought of ‘I’ intervenes to take ownership as ‘controller’ or ‘doer’ of the action being performed
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
There is nothing I can be responsible for because ‘I’ don’t exist. There is only the illusion of responsibility which results from the thought of ‘I’ attempting to take ownership of thoughts and experiences which are happening by themselves.
Making a 30 foot putt playing golf today
- Thoughts about where to aim the putt and different directions happened
- Thoughts about where to stop the putter before starting the swing
- Movement of the body to swing the putter head happened
- The putter head striking the ball happened
- The ball rolling along the ground in a direction 3 ft right of the hole happened
- The ball curving back towards the hole due to a slope on the green happened
- The ball going in the hole happened
- The thought of ‘I’ intervening to take credit as ‘decider’ of the putt’s line and speed and ‘doer’ of the putt happened
6) Anything to add?
Since setting out on this inquiry, I have become increasingly content with just being with what is and not doing anything at all! When fully immersed in all that is being seen, heard, tasted, smelled and sensed in the present moment, ‘I’ disappear and there is just a profound sense of peace. Similarly, when walking (especially through nature), it feels like I’m not walking through it but everything – trees, paths, scenery – is all passing through me. Hills I used to climb now lift me up from under my feet, wherever I was walking towards now comes to me.
And at least once a day, I contemplate how amazing it is to be anything at all.
