On the edge, Requesting a guide for that last push

[cosmiK]

Hey :)

Hopefully I can catch you before you go to the void we called sleep :)

Yes. There will be flow of the things always. Even after the real seeing, or real insight into things can be some thoughts and feelings shadowing realization. So, it is kind of process. And it is good to know and to have some experiential assuredness that what is real is and will unfold, but that whole the organism needs to adjust. And to recognise that thoughts are always just that – thoughts and that they don't need to be believed in. And that changes whole the mechanism of thoughts triggering sensations and repeating the same experiencing.

Yes... I can see this. This morning I woke up and my mind was super quiet. I couldn't find a self all morning, but there were a few hiccups of thoughts trigger certain sensations and a regular discomfort I feel in the morning - i call these morning arisings - lol. These morning arisings trigger further resistance, a sort of 'it shouldn't feel like this' which leads to doubt and thoughts that there still is a 'self'. I kept looking and just simply looking and all there is just experience, albeit in the morning there is a lot of discomfort. I keep doing the loop:
- simple seeing, and perhaps basic labelling (seeing, hearing, sensing, perception, I am presence, thoughts), which is just experience
- and always checking if there is anyone doing the experience or experiencing the experience.
this simple loops seems to dismantle any resistance or seeking or self-hood and i'm able to relax more fully into it.

I get what you mean by the organism adjusting, there does seem to be a process. sort of an opening of clear seeing and flowing, and of a few bumps, which are also seen as just part of the flow, and then return to the flow, then some doubts and thoughts and a sel... wait no... just more experiece. I will keep at this simple circular process. thoughts, especially the ones that come in the morning following discomfort and doubt are also seen as that, just a thought, another experience. this helps tremendously.

Thoughts and beliefs certainly create our experience. But what is also available always and already here right now is the awareness. Through which is possible whole the creation of the mind and thoughts. That same consciousness or awareness that is looking right now through your eyes. And that is also here when you close eyes.
Does it have shape or form? Borders?
Personal identity before the thoughts come in?

In response to the first question there is a sense of no-shape and no-borderness. It doesn't necessarily feel infinite, but it just feels ike the question fades away, but with it also arise certain bubbles and blots of more 'solid material', which also, because of me not paying any real attention or reaction to it, just fade away in to nothing. It doesn't seem to have any border, but there is the seeming that it arises from somewhere in the body. this is seen as just a thought as well and there is resting in this 'awareness' which is like a sea of changing forms. it's hard to separate awareness from the forms (lol - form is emptiness, emptiness is form), but sometimes it is crystal clear (almost) and other times a mix of this and that, but when not labelled and just left there is just a silent sea... so more experience flowing and fluctuating.
The 'seeming it's coming from the body' is a persistant arising... that keeps popping up almost nagging for a thought to claim it... but when I just let it be with no labelling (which I will practice right now for 2 minutes), then it seems to flow more. I ask where is the beginning of this discomfort in the body and where does it end the answer is 'Right Now', and then it feels I am holding on to this part of experience, clinging to it, because there is a deep dissatisfaction with this type of experience (sensation, discomfort, whatever), but it is also realized that holding on to it is what is keeping it seemingly so solid, real and uncomfortable. then i question 'who is holding in to what?' and the answer seems to cancel itself out, bringing a deeper relaxing and calmness. this stomach knot that i've been rambling about has been present for ages, and I guess there is this story about it, and under the story a discomfort and a clinging. I will work with this more deeply as it seems to be a persistent group of arisings with a lot of reactivity.

In response to the second question, the question seems to confuse me a little, but the simple answer is there is no personal identity or even question about a personal identity before the thought comes in. It's only after the thought comes in that there is a sense of it, and this is usually the "I am presence" with some other body-based sensations which are further seen through rather quickly. I guess the organisms natural brain-wired response is to keep this 'self assertion' and whatever habits its picked up constantly going... it seems like I lapse in and out of a dream - it's a very subtle sense of this lapsing... but it's kind of funny and wierd.

Sure. Why I told you in the beginning that your expectations are a bit beyond scope of this forum is because for the most people I have seen here it was more like the beginning of the awakening. There was a shift in perception regarding background belief in some solid center of life, but with still whole way to go to unfold real freedom.

Yes I understand. I have been feeling this initial shift occuring, but I guess there is still an expectation that the initial permenant realization will be something that will become a center where I can operate from, and maybe that needs to be also dropped, because like you say, and i'm starting to see... is there really a center?! Seems like there isn't, but there is a natural tendency to find one and stay there.

I understand that patterns and emotions and such will still arise due to whatever karmic-momentum or whatever, but I feel the permanent realization should destroy the impulse to seek and change and become... perhaps that is also just another thought to be dropped and seen through? I know that one thing that I keep reading is, including my horoscope yesterday (Free Will Astrology - Virgo), is drop all expectations!! I guess I can't wait till the seeker drops so I can actually finally start to dive in and fall in deeper and deeper.

That’s ok. Moods change. But once you see transience of all experiences and more and more often always come back to simple here and now, to questioning reality of thoughts that color experience, letting all the feelings unfold, wakefulness becomes more natural and more radiant as you also talked about.

Yes... this simple return to Now and looking, and questioning of is there a looker/doer is my simple constant practice that seems to be canceling itself out. And yes... I miss that radiant wakefulness, but I'm willing to drop that expectation too and stay dedicated to the process, to simplicity.

Thanks for the articles, I read and contemplate them as I go.

Maybe just being with it, meeting it with this awareness make it dissolves back. Magic of awareness.
It might be also good to look at all this and to contemplate in a bigger context in nature and in social interactions. If and when you feel so.

I will keep giving whatever arises space, and looking at it simply. Can you explain further what you mean by contemplation in a bigger context in nature/social interacitons? Do you mean looking at the doubt/hesitation while around nature/people?

It is kind of spiritual autolysis (interactive one :) if you have read Jed McKenna.
Keep looking and writing till there isn’t satisfying clarity.

I'll read on this. Do you mean keep looking till there IS clarity? or am I not understanding this?

What we are will never be possible to find, or find out. And this is about seeing what we are not although it is consciously or unconsciously believed in.

Yes... I am anxious to just fall without needing a center :P but that idea also produces a sense of terror, excited terror!!

Much Love.

[Eloratea]

Hey,
sorry, I am usually not online that late :) but it seems that you are doing fine.

I will reply to your post little bit later,

Love.

[Eloratea]

I kept looking and just simply looking and all there is just experience, albeit in the morning there is a lot of discomfort.

Let me know if there is more I should know about that morning discomfort.
Could you face that discomfort with the simple fact that it is not you, nor it has anything to do with you.

thoughts, especially the ones that come in the morning following discomfort and doubt are also seen as that, just a thought, another experience. this helps tremendously.

Great. Whatever may be the cause of the discomfort, traceable or not, the best approach if possible is just to deal with it here and now, as what it is – thoughts and sensation.

this stomach knot that i've been rambling about has been present for ages, and I guess there is this story about it, and under the story a discomfort and a clinging. I will work with this more deeply as it seems to be a persistent group of arisings with a lot of reactivity.

Ok. That might need more of your simple, kind attention. But can you see at the same time that there is no you anywhere in the equation and never was. No personal self to which this happens?

In response to the second question, the question seems to confuse me a little, but the simple answer is there is no personal identity or even question about a personal identity before the thought comes in.

Of course, how it could be?

It's only after the thought comes in that there is a sense of it, and this is usually the "I am presence" with some other body-based sensations which are further seen through rather quickly. I guess the organisms natural brain-wired response is to keep this 'self assertion' and whatever habits its picked up constantly going... it seems like I lapse in and out of a dream - it's a very subtle sense of this lapsing... but it's kind of funny and wierd.

Yes, this “I” arises as instinctively in body-mind combination, as a survival tool, but believing whole the identity which grows out of that one, innocent thought is actually incredible and kind of crazy :)
Can you see a bit of this mechanism?

but I guess there is still an expectation that the initial permenant realization will be something that will become a center where I can operate from, and maybe that needs to be also dropped,

Please, could you drop it. What is real will stay no matter what is believed.

I understand that patterns and emotions and such will still arise due to whatever karmic-momentum or whatever, but I feel the permanent realization should destroy the impulse to seek and change and become... perhaps that is also just another thought to be dropped and seen through? I know that one thing that I keep reading is, including my horoscope yesterday (Free Will Astrology - Virgo), is drop all expectations!! I guess I can't wait till the seeker drops so I can actually finally start to dive in and fall in deeper and deeper.

Yes, stop of the seeking seems to be common to seeing „no-self“.
But look at expectations, what they are? Always suggesting that this isn't it. That now is not enough, that something needs to change. What? For whom?
What is seeker? There is no seeker entity, just this momentum of seeking, created with thoughts and beliefs in them.

I will keep giving whatever arises space, and looking at it simply. Can you explain further what you mean by contemplation in a bigger context in nature/social interactions? Do you mean looking at the doubt/hesitation while around nature/people?

I mean looking around with this possibility that there is no inherent core anywhere: neither in people, nor in experiences. Looking as being aware how there is no clear borders anywhere in this experience. In awareness.

I'll read on this. Do you mean keep looking till there IS clarity? or am I not understanding this?

I would recommend his books. But maybe better after the „gate“; just to stay focused on your actual experience now.
I mean keep doing the job till it is finished :) Writing helps see thoughts more clearly. Helps re-formatting the brain. :)

Yes... I am anxious to just fall without needing a center :P but that idea also produces a sense of terror, excited terror!!

Good :) It might be said that this also requires courage. Maybe it is just readiness, whatever it means.
It is like at some point self, or any other belief, is no longer projected by the mind. It feels like liberation in comparison with memories of the experience with that belief.

Be well,
much Love.

[cosmiK]

Heya,

Let me know if there is more I should know about that morning discomfort.
Could you face that discomfort with the simple fact that it is not you, nor it has anything to do with you.

Well. I guess the way I feel it is just discomfort - lots of muddled up sensations, knots. I've also suffered previusly from uncomfortable stuff in my stomach - acid reflux, whatever, and I still react to whatever food I eat to the point I ahve to be very careful with what I eat - but the doctors could not really find anything really wrong - so I assumed it was just some deep anxiety/resistance. I guess the way I would describe it is it just is plain uncomfortable to be in my body. It's like waking up in a container or a room that is just discomfort. It's gotten a lot better over the years through better diet, quitting drugs and alcohol, and just meditating regularly. Usually my mind gets very chatty in the morning, and when I attempt to stay in the present, I just feel discomfort, and then my mind goes back in to chatter - perhaps and most probably to cover up the discomfort. It's like I am just uncomfortable with my body/life, and just cannot at some deep level seem to accept it. I guess I wish one day that I would wake up and just feel alright in my body, and I feel that isn't a big deal to ask for, but I do realize it is being at odds with what is, in the morning at least.

Yes, today I did face that as soon as I woke up. I just felt, and I just responded to every thought that arose - "it's just a thought". This helped, and it wasn't that bad this morning. I guess my mental response to 'facing at as nothing to do with me is' - well... regardless of a me or not-me, I still feel it, and have felt it for years now, and I hate it. <--- I can understand that this is a thought, a story, and resistance, but it seems to have a lot of charge.

Ok. That might need more of your simple, kind attention. But can you see at the same time that there is no you anywhere in the equation and never was. No personal self to which this happens?

Yes, I am seeing this more and more, and at a deeper level. But there is still a strong resistance, and on top of that the thought "regardless of me seeing anything, I continue to feel this discomfort and being uncomfortable in this body... regardless if there is a me, or if there really is a body, it's just plain discomfort". I get that is just a thought, and a story, and resistance - and so my practice continues.

Yes, this “I” arises as instinctively in body-mind combination, as a survival tool, but believing whole the identity which grows out of that one, innocent thought is actually incredible and kind of crazy :)
Can you see a bit of this mechanism?

Yes, I've seen it many times, but only recently, and especially when I started working with you have I just been totally still and just allowed it to pass by, and just labelled it as 'just a thought'. Previously so much energy was devoted to doing something to get away from it, to remove it. I'm just so tired of all of that, so I'm just going to let it be - lol. It is crazy, but it's so pervasive, especially in the morning. Like barrages of it for an hour or so, sometimes more.

Please, could you drop it. What is real will stay no matter what is believed.

Yep, done. Today, and hereafter, is devoted to not believing thoughts. Fuck them, or more accurately their content. Im sick of trying to slow down and calm thought. I just want to let it be too.

Yes, stop of the seeking seems to be common to seeing „no-self“.
But look at expectations, what they are? Always suggesting that this isn't it. That now is not enough, that something needs to change. What? For whom?
What is seeker? There is no seeker entity, just this momentum of seeking, created with thoughts and beliefs in them.

Yeah, which is why I keep getting dissapointed, because there is still seeking! lol, but then that is again another form of resistance, and another thought, so I do the same thing, turn and ask what is seeking, and realizing it's just another bundle of thought, sensation, another illusion.
Seeker is just a deep seated dissatisfaction with what is... that's really all it is... sigh. What a sad illusion, i'm so done... but that's just another thought too - lol!!!!

I mean looking around with this possibility that there is no inherent core anywhere: neither in people, nor in experiences. Looking as being aware how there is no clear borders anywhere in this experience. In awareness.

Right, I do this regularly. "Is there separation?"... it's just all experience. and pops of thought here and there, which is also just experience.

I would recommend his books. But maybe better after the „gate“; just to stay focused on your actual experience now.
I mean keep doing the job till it is finished :) Writing helps see thoughts more clearly. Helps re-formatting the brain. :)

To be honest, I don't want anymore fucking books (not to be rude to you at all, that's just what I feel), or Gurus or anything. All I want to do is get this, and at the same time i'm realizing there isn't really anything to get, but that there is noone here to get anything, just a reformatting as you say. And yes, I do see it as a job and a process, and I do see it's making some great change, but the onion is thick and stinky.

Good :) It might be said that this also requires courage. Maybe it is just readiness, whatever it means.
It is like at some point self, or any other belief, is no longer projected by the mind. It feels like liberation in comparison with memories of the experience with that belief.

Definitely feeling a lot more liberated each day, but there is still this expectation of something 'final', and yes, I will see that for what it is as well, and drop it as it arises.

I had a little breakdown yesterday, and thought I should mention it. It was in the night when I was going to meditate. I was just so frustrated at 'not getting this' and about spirituality and all this shit in general. It is also my birthday, and I hoped to have some progress by now (yes, an expectation, dropped). I just felt that anything I was doing was pointless... any thought, any strategy, anything... I was just like head dropped in my knees... i just felt like I completely crashed, and I was so ready to be done wasting so much energy chasing after something that isn't there, but at the same time, this is a real process... or is it? i was pissed at the world, god, myself, and just felt completely exhausted and lost. this morning i felt a lot better, but had a conviction not to buy in to anymore dreams and especially thoughts and beliefs. Just keep it simple. Simple.

So, like you advised, is to continue looking 'until the job is done' right?

Much Love, and thanks for putting up with me (god knows I've tried!!! lol)

[Eloratea]

I can understand that this is a thought, a story, and resistance, but it seems to have a lot of charge.

Ok, feel that charge. And before it is labeled as charge :)

But there is still a strong resistance, and on top of that the thought "regardless of me seeing anything, I continue to feel this discomfort and being uncomfortable in this body... regardless if there is a me, or if there really is a body, it's just plain discomfort".

Just stay cool, don't think too much about that.

Im sick of trying to slow down and calm thought. I just want to let it be too.

As you stop believing them, they slow down. It is a natural mechanism.
Remember, there is no you, nor it ever was to control thoughts. It is just one thought fighting another, because of the inaccurate belief that some thoughts are more than others and can control others.
Please stay some time with this.

Seeker is just a deep seated dissatisfaction with what is... that's really all it is

Give that poor seeker some loving attention, let them see he is not needed anymore and leave in peace.

And yes, I do see it as a job and a process, and I do see it's making some great change, but the onion is thick and stinky.

Ok, even if it is, it is still empty in the middle. Stay with this some more time too.

This inquiry is not pointless. If it begun with serious intent it will inevitably unfold as it need to. So, please stay well and out of the stories as much as possible :)

And happy birthday :)
Much Love.

[cosmiK]

Hey :)

Ok, feel that charge. And before it is labeled as charge :)

I dedicated today to just giving space to whatever charge, resistance, screams, hate, pulling/pushing to arise. I just sort of let it play out and give it attention, like watching a movie, but also allowing it to say its share, thanking it, and letting it see itself as just a play of form, not ultimately real, and not ultimately needed. It felt as if there was a lot of energy inside of me, and I just dug it all out consciously. I sort of said "okay... whatever resistance and war there is with What-Is, please stand up and show yourself, I am all ears and there is infinite space. It felt like undoing huge knots all over my body and I felt very spacious.

In the night I continued my self-inquiry style practice with "To whom does this experience arise?" and "Who am I?". I really held this "I" thought in my focus really hard to the point that all other reactionary patterns that arise with it (sense of self, other thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc) are also held in my focus. This feels uncomfortable at first, but then it starts to just dissolve until I have no more "I"-ness to focus on because there is really nothing to focus on but a thought, just a thought. I kept doing this in meditation, and when I went out to celebrate my birthday with my family, I had another moment of super-clarity where everything just got super clear and I felt like a little kid again. It didn't last, but whatever was returned to was totally fine too.

As you stop believing them, they slow down. It is a natural mechanism.
Remember, there is no you, nor it ever was to control thoughts. It is just one thought fighting another, because of the inaccurate belief that some thoughts are more than others and can control others.
Please stay some time with this.

YES YES!!! I always knew that "enlightenment is not believing ANY thought you have"... but today I felt I realized this very deeply. I was laughing so hard because I was on the app, and the app was asking if you can control thought/hand/legs... and I was like thought1, thought2, thought3... and I was believing it when I just realized... OH!!!!! they are all thoughts. The thought about controlling is also that, a thought!!! I was trying to prove something was real, with thought. Thought was trying to prove it can control other thoughts and functions.... how ridiculous. I was laughing a lot! I am going to keep looking, as usual, and really nail this 'thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more'.

Give that poor seeker some loving attention, let them see he is not needed anymore and leave in peace.

I dug up whatever seeker, puller, pusher, resister and hater I could find and gave it love, space and a mirror to look at it itself. I think this helped a lot.
It seems that this resistance can be unearthed in a focused amount of time, instead of waiting lots of time for them to just pop up. This isn't to say you can clear up everything at once, but that there are some methods can dig up the psyche so to speak and deal with MORE in LESSER time. I seem to think this is an affective method, especially today, but i don't always use it, because sometimes it becomes just more resistance to what-is. What are your recommendations on this, or did I not clearly express this?

Ok, even if it is, it is still empty in the middle. Stay with this some more time too.

This inquiry is not pointless. If it begun with serious intent it will inevitably unfold as it need to. So, please stay well and out of the stories as much as possible :)

And happy birthday :)

Is there anything specific question/inquiry you recommend for this 'empty in the middle' direct path/contemplation. Sometimes it feels as if you are surfing on the layers and it feels almost impossible to get to the middle, and even harder to 'stay' there. I guess maybe the best thing to do is just ask "to whom are these layers/experiences arising?" --> this usually does the trick.

Yes, it isn't pointless. Inquiry has been my favorite method, besides meditation. And there is definitely serious intent.

And yes, I am seeing so much more, that is just thoughts.

Thank you. I am very happy tonight:)

Much Love.

[Eloratea]

Thought was trying to prove it can control other thoughts and functions.... how ridiculous. I was laughing a lot! I am going to keep looking, as usual, and really nail this 'thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more'.

Yes, it is main part of this liberation process.
Thoughts are neither good nor bad. They can not make anything good or bad. They are just thoughts.
Now they are useful as we use them in this communication.

I dug up whatever seeker, puller, pusher, resister and hater I could find and gave it love, space and a mirror to look at it itself. I think this helped a lot.
It seems that this resistance can be unearthed in a focused amount of time, instead of waiting lots of time for them to just pop up. This isn't to say you can clear up everything at once, but that there are some methods can dig up the psyche so to speak and deal with MORE in LESSER time. I seem to think this is an affective method, especially today, but i don't always use it, because sometimes it becomes just more resistance to what-is. What are your recommendations on this, or did I not clearly express this?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable sit with that, dig deeper if you feel so. But be aware not to artificially fabricate anything in the experience. Let what is be as it is. :)

Is there anything specific question/inquiry you recommend for this 'empty in the middle' direct path/contemplation. Sometimes it feels as if you are surfing on the layers and it feels almost impossible to get to the middle, and even harder to 'stay' there. I guess maybe the best thing to do is just ask "to whom are these layers/experiences arising?" --> this usually does the trick.

Is there a "whom" to whom it arises? Isn't that an assumption?
I meant generally on this inquiry as it goes.
Is there you behind the thought you?
Where all those thoughts arise? Is there a thinker, or controller of them?

And yes, I am seeing so much more, that is just thoughts.
Thank you. I am very happy tonight:)

:)
With Love.

[cosmiK]

Whenever you feel uncomfortable sit with that, dig deeper if you feel so. But be aware not to artificially fabricate anything in the experience. Let what is be as it is. :)

Yes. I see how even 'sitting with struggle or drama' can turn even in to more struggle and drama :) i've had a lot of experience with dealing with 'my issues'. so i think i can sense that fine line intuitively, hopefully :)

s there a "whom" to whom it arises? Isn't that an assumption?
I meant generally on this inquiry as it goes.
Is there you behind the thought you?
Where all those thoughts arise? Is there a thinker, or controller of them?

Yeah, I guess what I like about that question is that it brings even the assumption of any whom or self to the light, and then all that is just seen as just more experience. it seems to help with bringing it all to the foreground. it has proved rather powerful, and so far so good. and yes, it is definitely an assumption built in to the question to be seen through real-time.
There is definitely no me behind the thought "me" :) Yay! And no, there is no controller, only thoughts that seem to arise to say "i can control a thought", which is just that, another thought. I've been sitting and walking with this deeply, and really seeing how many thoughts come up begging for identification. none have won today :) i think i am finally trusting the process, and there is less and less rush, because rush is seen as part of the flow that is flowing in to itself as flow --> i don't know if this makes any sense... but it just seems if things are just kinda melting away... thank god, whatever that is.

I even got through my 'morning discomfort' with a lot of grace. I just sat through it and felt it deeply, allowing it space, and just labelling thoughts about it, or struggle, or 'what to do about the discomfort' as just that - thoughts. It has really helped.

I had another moment, or a whole minute rather, of clarity today on a walk. So beautiful. These moments seem to be more numerous, and the 'sleeping in the dream' seems to be deconstructing itself. The truth of no-control is sinking in at deeper and deeper levels and it's so much relief and joy to know that there is definitely nothing here, and definitely nothing to take control :) flow is naturally becoming itself, and everything that is assumed to be not flow, and thoughts that try to take charge and get back in to the flow, are also understood as also part of the flow! lol! how funny and ridiculous. deeper and deeper levels of revelation, or obviousness, that was totally missed. It's kind of beautiful. Life is waking up through me... the "ego" and everything else is just life moving, and waking up. I feel so honoured :):):)

the things that are arising now are
- doubts "this can't be it", "it's not as clear as before", "being enlightehned wouldn't feel or seem like this"
- seeker/fixer "this emotion is not good", "this needs to change in order for...", "being enlightened needs this to change"...
These are persistant, but the more I see them and just realize that they are just thoughts... well, things loosen, flow flows.

I'm excited for this process to unfold. It's not an anxious-needy I want to get this over with, but an anxious-excitedness, I don't know if that makes sense? :)

Hope you are well & Much Love.

[Eloratea]

There is definitely no me behind the thought "me" :) Yay! And no, there is no controller, only thoughts that seem to arise to say "i can control a thought", which is just that, another thought

Is there separate self in any way or form?

I think i am finally trusting the process, and there is less and less rush, because rush is seen as part of the flow that is flowing in to itself as flow.

:)

I even got through my 'morning discomfort' with a lot of grace. I just sat through it and felt it deeply, allowing it space, and just labelling thoughts about it, or struggle, or 'what to do about the discomfort' as just that - thoughts. It has really helped.

Really glad to hear about that.

flow is naturally becoming itself, and everything that is assumed to be not flow, and thoughts that try to take charge and get back in to the flow, are also understood as also part of the flow! lol! how funny and ridiculous. deeper and deeper levels of revelation, or obviousness, that was totally missed. It's kind of beautiful.

Yes, it is :)

the things that are arising now are
- doubts "this can't be it", "it's not as clear as before", "being enlightehned wouldn't feel or seem like this"

Let's look at enlightment as something ongoing, like a process, like flow, like everything. And not as some thing that can be achieved. Like an enlightening…without subjects and objects.

- seeker/fixer "this emotion is not good", "this needs to change in order for...", "being enlightened needs this to change"...

It is kind of little judge in the head; result of past conditioning. Just be aware of it. No need to fight it, neither to follow it; Follow the „heart“, it's voice has quite different tone by which can be recognized.

These are persistent, but the more I see them and just realize that they are just thoughts... well, things loosen, flow flows.

Wish you a good further flow into lightness and clarity,
much Love.

[cosmiK]

Hey,

Just wanted to hopefully catch you before it gets too late.

No there is no separate self in any way. There is just the checkig for one, not funding one, and returning to the present moment. There is a sort of limbo though. There is struggling to try, to do, to become, and all of them are just seen as little blips and waves. The mind seems to want to find some ground, some technique, some focus, and there really is nothing that makes sense to do, and no one to do it. So best way to describe it is that is like stuck in a muddle of movements trying desperately, but nothing makes sense to do or focus on because there is noone there.

Its jncomfortable and feels like its just part of the process of settljng. Even justlooking is seen as just another movement, and dont make sense to do... so I just stay still... realizing no one is there to stay still.... and on it does.... does this makes sense? A bundle of confused chaotic movements and I am in limbo realizing that is no me, also realizing this is all a story with no one telling it.... ahhhhhhhhh!

Much Love

[Eloratea]

Hey,
Just wanted to hopefully catch you before it gets too late.

You succeeded :)

Relax a bit. Have trust in life unfolding further. Don't push anything just intellectually. There is probably readjusting process ongoing.
Have some walk or whatever feels most ok right now.

Till later,
much Love.

[cosmiK]

Relax a bit. Have trust in life unfolding further. Don't push anything just intellectually. There is probably readjusting process ongoing.
Have some walk or whatever feels most ok right now.

Done, and doing :)

I am attending a Satsang with a local teacher - mostly sitting in silence and open discussion. Will write you later tonight on happenings,

Hope your sleeping well,

Love.

[Eloratea]

Hi there,
how it is going?

[cosmiK]

Hey :)

Just wanted to write what I was feeling today,

I feel like there is a depth, a feeling-sense of a sense of aliveness, of flow,

but,

there is also the same I described yesterday. A discomfort, a restlessness, a what-to-do-now-ness... it seems no matter what I do just leads to more frustration, at least that's how its felt now and most of yesterday.

It both feels as if I've come so far, and that I havent' at all :) I am taking your advise and doing the best I can, but at the same time just surrendering and relaxing into it... that is perhaps the hardest part.

Love.

[cosmiK]

Haha, just pressed send when I got your email:)