Freedom to be!

[Eric001]

Dear Ilona,

thank you for your patience. I'm quite confused still, but will do my best to answer your questions as simply and directly as I can without adding philosophical interpretations (although that is how my mind works automatically). Here we go:

Look at my questions again and answer as simply as possible. Are you aware right now? Yes or no? Not some philosophical theory about unfiltered unconscious awarenesss, plaease. These questions are meant for you to bring you to simplicity and you are giving me answers from thinking about being aware. I simply ask you to notice, are you aware right now? (I’m not asking if you like what is or how this should be)

Yes, I'm aware now

It does not matter what content is, there is awareness of content, right?

True, there is awareness of content

Sorry, but go back to basics. Awareness is doing being? Seriously...
what do you do in order to be?

There is nothing being done here in order to just be. Being seems the basis of being alive.

Can you stop being aware? (Again, thoughts, sensations, feelings, cloudiness is included and valid content)

No, there is nothing that can stop awareness happening. Only the content shifts and changes (sometimes seemingly according to some sense of choice of where attention is directed, but also this could just be an interpretation of life just happening).

What is that identifies with Eric? Thoughts? Sensations? Images?

It seems like it's awareness that identifies with the fictional character Eric. And yes, it's thoughts (and some associated sensations/feelings and images seemingly stored in memories)

What is Eric? Where is he now? (Right this moment) find it.

Eric is the fictional character often identified with here in awareness. He is made up of thoughts and associated emotions.

Thankful love from Koh Phangan!
<3 /e

[Ilona]

Thank you, now this sounds simple and clear.
Yes, being aware is uninterrupted. Life experiences are ever changing.
You are saying that there is awareness that identifies with fictional character Eric. It sounds that there is a gap between something called awareness and something called Eric. Is that so?
It appears that Eric is made up of thoughts and emotions. But check this out- thoughts about Eric does not make it into an entity. Story about batman does not make him into real being. So what that thoughts talk about a fictional character, that is not going to stop. There is nothing wrong with that.

But are you a fictional character?

As you see beingness, aliveness is here, always. Fictional character comes and goes with a story. Are you here when there is no story?

What is here besides the story?

Love.

[Eric001]

Dear Ilona,

thank you again for these clarifications. Something is relaxing deeper here as these are taken in. Here are the responses to the last few questions.

You are saying that there is awareness that identifies with fictional character Eric. It sounds that there is a gap between something called awareness and something called Eric. Is that so?

Not quite sure, but is seems that when beingness/awareness is fully identified with the character Eric then there is no gap at all. But when there is recognition of the fictional nature of the character Eric then there seems to be some kind of gap, or rather some kind of discernment that allows relaxation and disentanglement from the thoughts and emotions associated with the fictional character Eric. This "disassociation" from the fictional character seems to allow greater freedom of responding outside of the conditioned patterns of reactivity.

But are you a fictional character?

No, I can't be since it's a fictional character.

As you see beingness, aliveness is here, always. Fictional character comes and goes with a story. Are you here when there is no story?

Yes, beingness/aliveness is still be here even without a story of any fictional character

What is here besides the story?

Beingness/aliveness is here as life is unfolding, and it's constantly perceiving/experiencing content through the senses and the mind (thoughts, feelings and sensations).

Love from a bright night in the tropics!
<3 /e

[Ilona]

Right!
Let’s clarify this
Beingness/aliveness is here as life is unfolding, and it's constantly perceiving/experiencing content through the senses and the mind (thoughts, feelings and sensations).
Not through, but AS. Experiencing content as sensation, as thoughts, as feelings, as contractions, as expansions that are happening. Identifying is another experience happening.
Aliveness = life unfolding = knowing = being aware.

Is there awareness without content? Is content/ experience without awareness? Or are they like two sides of the same coin, just different words to describe same event?

Test it. Hearing sounds. Is there awareness hearing sounds or sound is happening, knowing of sound is happening - one event?

See, language invents the idea of a doer. Actuality is a happening.

Love.

[Eric001]

Thanks again Ilona for clarifying!

It's quite amazing how language invents the sense of a doer. And hides the reality of life just happening. Still seems I keep getting lost in this trap of the mind in this inquiry. So thanks for pointing this out. Especially also the reminder that identification is also a just another experience happening.

Is there awareness without content? Is content/ experience without awareness?
Or are they like two sides of the same coin, just different words to describe same event?

No awareness without content (since even nothingness/stillness is content)
No content/experience without awareness for it to arise in/as.
So must be two sides of the same coin. One event.

Test it. Hearing sounds. Is there awareness hearing sounds or sound is happening, knowing of sound is happening - one event?

At first it seems like it's awareness hearing sounds, but there is no gap between awareness and the sound being heard so it's more like sound is happening (i.e. one event)


Love!
:-) /e

[Ilona]

Wonderful, thank you!
Yes, one event, different ways to describe and all is a happening.
So what is that gets lost in thoughts?
Or there is awareness of being lost in thoughts, thoughts about being lost happening?

There is also experience of being aware of what is happening in this moment, right now, in actuality.
Both experiences are happening, effortlessly. Like breathing in and out. Expansion, contraction, expansion contraction.
Now, should this change? Or is it ok to continue?
Are you looking to have only wonderful experiences or is it clear that life includes all kinds of experiences?

And all experiences are happening. Nothing to do about that. :)

How does this feel?

Love.

[Eric001]

Dear Ilona,

thank you. Here are the answers arising to the last questions.

So what is that gets lost in thoughts?
Or there is awareness of being lost in thoughts, thoughts about being lost happening?

Again there is no gap between awareness and the content of "thoughts about being lost", so there can be no one separate that is lost in thoughts. It's just "lost in thoughts" happening.

There is also experience of being aware of what is happening in this moment, right now, in actuality.
Both experiences are happening, effortlessly. Like breathing in and out. Expansion, contraction, expansion contraction.
Now, should this change? Or is it ok to continue? Are you looking to have only wonderful experiences or is it clear that life includes all kinds of experiences?

For sure there has always been a longing here for things to change to the "better" (taking experiences less personally and thereby suffering less). And lots of effort has been arising to facilitate that, but the fact remains that nothing much seems to have changed. Thoughts of self are still often identified with and suffering is happening. And other times there is peace and more expansion. So, if reality is to be faced here and now, then there seems no avoiding what is happening (including the suffering). Surrendering to this fact seems somewhat hard, but ultimately inevitable.

And all experiences are happening. Nothing to do about that. :)

How does this feel?

There is some feelings of sadness arising
Then some emptiness in the chest area
Then blankness in the mind (seems like "No answer to the question" arsing in the mind)
Then nothing but hearing sounds, seeing shapes and colours, feeling and thinking nothing


Love!
<3 /e

[Eric001]

After posting my last reply I notice that there is some resistance arising to letting this seeing of the Truth sink in.
There is some fear.
Feels like fear of loosing something.
And Fear of the unknown.

Sitting with that fear now and looking at it.

This sensation of fear has a vibrant frequency to it.
It's felt in all of the body.
when warmly invited to be more fully felt there is it changes into a sensation that could better be described as alert aliveness. And whilst there is heightened alertness of awareness, there is at the same time some relaxation happening in the body.
The experience is now one of fearless alertness. Feeling ready for anything that might arise.

Love!
:-) /e

[Ilona]

Yes, it feels like loosing something — a dream.
It’s ok to lose fantasy when you get reality.

Nothing real is ever threatened. What is simply is.

Love.

[Eric001]

Hello dear Ilona!

Today I keep looking at what is. Less identified with any of it. Actually nearly no identification at all. Instead more peace happening.

Just want to check that it’s not just disassociation that is arising, since that has happened before after longer periods of re-traumatization arising. The last 5 months have been very turbulent after a strong chock activated an old core trauma. It’s been a steep roller coasters ride, with very shaky turns. The good news is it’s brought much new awareness to this old limiting pattern.

But as I write this recognition arises that even if it is disassociation, that still is just content arising and nothing to be done about it. It’s just another happening. This recognition comes with deeper relaxation.

Thank you so much Ilona for your excellent and deeply empathetic guiding. Lots of love and gratitude here for you.

❤️

[Ilona]

Thank you!

How is it going today?
Is there any doubt at all?

I invite you to read the whole thread from the beginning and catch pointers that may look and feel fresh. Sometimes it takes a hundred times to hear something till it lands.

Write after you have done that and share insights.

Love.

[Eric001]

Dear Ilona,

apologies for not writing sooner, but I wanted to take some time to really look at what is arising and to which extent there still seems to be doubts. I have also reread the whole thread several times and also listened to quite a lot of Alan Watts recordings where he speaks about the selfless nature of reality and often mentions that it is just a happening (as you point out too).

So to summarise the last few days inquiry it can be stated that life is arising very much like always, including a base tone of more or less constantly being identified with a separate sense of self. It seems that the message of the "no self" and the happening of reality has been somewhat understood, but it still mostly conceptual "understanding". It's not like there is direct access to recognising this Truth in everyday life situations of life happening. There is hence some confusion here in regards to this. Is this conceptual "understanding" all there is to get and the same as the gateless gate has been passed or is there a deeper more transformational recognition to be expected to qualify for that event?

<3 /e

[Ilona]

I hear you!
This inquiry is about seeing this experientially.
So in your experience, what is that you do? What is not happening effortlessly by itself?
Give me examples.

Love.

[Eric001]

Dear Ilona,

once again apologies for taking several days to respond. It's been quite emotionally turbulent until yesterday evening when it started calming down. Thoughts of abandonment and "being betrayed" have been on a constant loop again, leading to strong emotional anguish and with no access to recognition of the illusory nature of this story and its associated emotions. There is nothing effortless at all about this state, and even if there is recognition that the suffering is arising as a direct effect of the resistance to this "what is", there is no way I can just chose to drop it. Instead what is experienced is burning in emotional hell and frantic though patterns looping (including occasional suicidal thoughts) until it all comes to some point where the attention is shifted to something less painful. Here I have again noticed that if I do a few hours of qigong practice then the emotions start fading and there is some peace. And that I find confusing in the context of this inquiry. The fact that if I ("the sense of self") make my mind up and shift my attention to doing qigong then I can actually shift the state I'm in. Who is that is doing that if not the sense of self making a practical choice?

I also got some serious feedback from my dear friends in my mens circle whom all pointed out that I was acting strong disassociated in our last meeting now day before yesterday. They all found that the way I both behaved and spoke was something to be concerned about. I also mentioned to you myself 8 days ago that I was noticing signs of disassociation happening. This worries me.

Love from Koh Phangan!
<3 /e

[Ilona]

Hi Eric,
I hear you, I know the feeling.
And at times like this it is very helpful to remember this little phrase “this too shall pass”
The emotional pain storms still happen, that is too part of life, you can say that there is nothing effortless about them, yes, it feels intense and very unpleasant (mildly said)

The old wounds raise up to be healed. This is part of the process. Trust that all is unfolding as it should. There is an intense and very deep process happening. Can you agree with that?

And yes, there is a possibility to do practices (chi gong) that help to stay calm, balance the energy so it flows smoothly.

If you look at weather, you see, there is sunshine and there are storms, it is natural, there is fog, rain, heat, cold, all kinds of weather. And if you look at the emotional state a little bit like at mood weather, you see, all kinds of emotions pass through. There are storms, there is sunshine. The resistance comes up with idea, that this should not be happening. And then the fight starts. But all storms pass and there is a possibility to stay in the calm centre, only that require awareness of what is going on.

Great that you are able to go there.

As for feelings of dissociation, let’s welcome that, there is something here to look at. What is there? What is being dissociated?

One more thing
I offer free half hour consultation over Skype, through my website. Feel free to use this any time you want.

Love.