It's about time

[Rhino]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
This is about discovering the true nature of reality. It's about experiencing something that I've been intellectually searching for for over 20 years blue. It's also about confirming that I've been right all along. It matches with a theory that I call "the flipside of logic". It is something that is so close to me but has proven to be out of reach.

What are you looking for at LU?
Confirmation and liberation. Confirmation about the nature of reality that I hope is true. Liberation of my fear to fully accept it.
Also I'm still waiting for the universe to give me this special signal and guide.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I expect to be pushed over the limitations of my intellectual understanding. I hope to be guided by someone genuine and patient. I promise to do my best to be 100% honest to my guide and to myself. I'm not in a rush but I need momentum.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I've received counselling of a "being oriented" coach (Dutch: zijnsorientatie). I've also been to several retreat days, led by a different coach of that same school. I've meditated. I've developed the theory "the flipside of logic" that I'd an intellectual, logic approach to enlightenment. (Yet I've failed to experience enlightenment so far)

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[flowings]

Hi Rhino!
I'm Daniel (from Germany)I'd be happy to assist you in your inquiry.

Please read this first if you haven't done yet.

What are you looking for at LU?

Confirmation and liberation. Confirmation about the nature of reality that I hope is true. Liberation of my fear to fully accept it.

Let us first take a look at this fear.
Can you explain that in more detail?

[Rhino]

I'm Daniel (from Germany)I'd be happy to assist you in your inquiry.

Hello Daniel, thank you for your reply and for offering to assist me, much appreciated!

Let us first take a look at this fear.
Can you explain that in more detail?

I feel I've been on the brink of the gate several times, even maybe through it but only during occasions where I wasn't fully alert but doing meditation practices in bed, falling half asleep. The feeling when that happens is quite overwhelming and it sort of scares me. I'm afraid to not be able to return, to loose everything I have. So while I sort of know the feeling of going through the gate, I'm afraid to surrender to it and fully go through it.

[flowings]

I feel I've been on the brink of the gate several times, even maybe through it but only during occasions where I wasn't fully alert but doing meditation practices in bed, falling half asleep. The feeling when that happens is quite overwhelming and it sort of scares me.

I understand. This sounds to me like deep states of consciousness, where the "knowing" of "me" as a separate self drops away, almost like a dissociation. This can indeed feel scary (I know it myself).
But that's not the path you're gonna take here.
Seeing through the illusion of a separate self will not take you to a place where "you" or "the world" are not functioning any more. Everything will be like always (kinda): There never was an "I" in the first place. Live happens without a center, no matter if the belief of a "CEO" is there or not.
This is why the gate is called gateless.
Of course it's important for you to be aware of fear at this point. I'm not trying to talk down!
Have a deeper look at fear. Read the following statements and notice what they trigger in you. Thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations... just write down whatever comes up.

There is no I, me or mine.
You don't exist. You never did.
"I" is nothing but a thought that belongs to no one.
Experience just happens.

[Rhino]

Have a deeper look at fear. Read the following statements and notice what they trigger in you. Thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations... just write down whatever comes up.

There is no I, me or mine.
You don't exist. You never did.
"I" is nothing but a thought that belongs to no one.
Experience just happens.

Reading those words and contemplating them triggers something. Two main things pop up:
My body, specifically my torso, seems to expand, ro relax.
A feeling of sadness manifests itself, also with hint of panic. Although this panic is very subtle it seems. Maybe I use the word panic because of lack of another word.
The picture of a big empty space comes to mind as well.

[flowings]

A feeling of sadness manifests itself, also with hint of panic.

Are there any (perhaps not quite conscious) thoughts i.e. assumptions, fears, concerns that could trigger this?

Take your time and look what you find.

[Rhino]

Take your time and look what you find.

Working on this, I'll get back to it soon

[flowings]

Okay.

[Rhino]

Are there any (perhaps not quite conscious) thoughts i.e. assumptions, fears, concerns that could trigger this?

I find this question harder to answer. However I feel the sadness is because of the loneliness and everything I invested in this reality.
The panic seems to be connected to feelings of immense space and eternal existence.

[flowings]

the loneliness and everything I invested in this reality.
The panic seems to be connected to feelings of immense space and eternal existence.

Are these perceptions / feelings perhaps based on certain ideas or expectations you have about the whole thing?

How will this reality change?
What will change, what will remain the same?
What will be lost, what will be gained?

[Rhino]

Are these perceptions / feelings perhaps based on certain ideas or expectations you have about the whole thing?

Come to think of it, yes, I guess they are.

How will this reality change?

Not so much reality but my perception of it. I'm afraid to find out it's not as real as I believed it to be.

What will change, what will remain the same?

I wish I knew.... maybe it's like suddenly realizing you're in a virtual reality game. Once you realize it's a game you're not as invested in it any more.

What will be lost, what will be gained?

My relation to 'the other' will be lost once I see that they're not the other, because there is no other.
My lounging for knowing/seeing the truth will be gained, or so I hope.

Also I'm getting this mental picture of a big empty space and an infinite time in there, which is scary to say the least.

[flowings]

Hi Rhino!

All these expectations - whether positive or negative - are merely assumptions, aren't they? It is important that you are aware of all these ideas that are in your head. But seeing through the illusion of separate self will (most likely) not be the way you imagine it.

Let go of all these ideas and suppositions; they may obscure your clear view of the simple experience of the Now.

Does that make any sense to you?

[Rhino]

All these expectations - whether positive or negative - are merely assumptions, aren't they?

That makes sense! Although this is a new realisation for me. I've been telling myself that reality as I experience it is an illusion, but it hadn't really occured to me that true reality as I pictured is is just that.... as I pictured it

Let go of all these ideas and suppositions; they may obscure your clear view of the simple experience of the Now.

Well that's easier said than done. That leaves me.... absolutely nothing

[flowings]

Hi Rhino,

Sorry for the delay! I'm a bit sick and will answer tomorrow, okay?

Daniel

[Rhino]

Hi Daniël,

Of course, no hurry. Important thing is to get well soon!

Kind regards