Synelg

[Synelg]

continue looking. You can include all parts of experience for looking for the feeler. Look everywhere. Find the feeler.

What is feeling the body?[/quote]

Ok. I have continued to do this. I used the sensations of the cat on my lap - quite a big sensation lol. Asked the sensations in head, nose, throat, chest, solar plexus if they were the 'feeler' or were they the feeler of the cat sensations in my lap. Nope. Just sensations. I will continue to look for the non-existent feeler. Which feels ridiculous because there just ISN'T ONE lolol. But I will continue to look. I will go to bed in 20 minutes. It take me 20 minutes to go to sleep and I will continue to look for this fairy. I always wake about an hour before the alarm goes off and I will continue to look. sigh......

It's such a joke - looking for something that's not there lol.

Lots of love to you Vivien. And thankyou yet again :)

[Synelg]

Ok, Vivien says to look for the 'feeler'. So I get into bed, start going through the process she outlined:-

Pick a sensation in the body - ok, lets take the sensation in my right knee (where I had an injury years ago). First of all, ask it it it's the feeler. Nope it's a sensation labelled old knee injury. So, now ask the sensation in the feet if it's the feeler. Are you the feeler of sensations? Is this sensation in the feet the feeler of sensations? Is this sensation (in the feet) the feeler of the sensation in the knee? Nope, don't be a ning-nong, how can a sensation feel another sensation. A ning-nong? Who's a ning-nong? Is this feeling in the knee a ning-nong? Is the ning-nong an 'I'? Nope it's just a sensation labelled old knee injury. Where's the ning-nong? Go looking, go through all the sensations in the body, looking for ning-nong. Nope, nowhere. No ning-nong. Back to looking for the feeler...

Where were we? Oh yes, the feet. Done the feet. Go through the same series of questions for the sensation in the calves, the right seat-bone (have an old injury there too), the sensation in the pubes? No – we won't go there – I'm QUITE sure the feeler isn't in the pubes. Maybe it is – maybe that's my problem – I haven't looked in the pubes! Nope, it's not there. How about the solar plexus – there's usually a sensation there – oh – there isn't the usual sensation there now – perhaps it's because I'm lying in bed doing this – maybe the feeling in the solar plexus is just my old fractured T6 vertebrae? Turned over (just happened, no decision, no doer). Oh my goodness, there's the sensation in the solar plexus! It wasn't there lying on my right side, but it's there when I lie on my left side. It must be the old T6 injury. And here I've been thinking it must be the hidden 'I'. Crikey! Where were we? Oh yes, still seeing if the sensation in the solar plexus is the feeler of the sensation in the knee. Nope, it's just a sensation in the solar plexus now forever labelled fractured T6 vertebrae. How about the sensation in the chest – is that the feeler? Nope - not much sensation in the chest anyway. What about the sensation in the throat – is that the feeler of the sensation in the knee – nope. How about the sensation behind the nose and throat – that's often there. Nope – oh - just realised that that sensation is a nasal drip caused by my deviated septum! Is sensation now forever labelled nasal drip sensation the feeler of the sensation in the knee labelled old knee injury? HUGE CONTRACTION OF MUSCLES IN CHEST! PULSING MOVEMENTS OF THE BODY! What's this? The feeler? No – it's a massive giggle attack, which went on for a looooooong time.

I kept looking for hours, went through every possible sensation in the body, asking, asking and looking. But the looking was ruined now. Every time I came to the nose sensation, the nasal drip label just got me every time. I kept bravely on. And on. And on. Looking looking looking.
THERE'S NO #$% FEELER! IT DOESN'T EXIST! IT NEVER EXISTED! I'M SICK OF LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT NEVER EXISTED! THIS IS A STUPID EXERCISE!

[Synelg]

Just went to look at the final questions that get asked when the guide thinks the gate might have been reached to see if I could answer them. Nope. Couldn't. Ok. What's next Vivien? And thank you yet again.

lotslove xx

[Vivien]

Hi Synelg,

You did an excellent looking.

Today, I would like to ask you to focus on thoughts.

Are you the thinker of thoughts?

Vivien

[Synelg]

Are you the thinker of thoughts?

No. A thought is just there, then it's not. Then another thought is there, then it's not there. No control whatsoever.

[Vivien]

Please observe what for a while as thoughts come and go.

What is making thoughts to appear?

[Synelg]

What is making thoughts to appear?

No idea. In the past 10 minutes whilst waiting for your reply, I've been doing the 'thought' exercise again - I've done this a fair bit, sitting with my eyes closed watching thoughts come and go. At first the thoughts were too fast this time for me to see what they were, but then I started to be able to see them. They seem to follow a theme a lot of the time, so much of my thinking these days is around this forum. But they are still random. There is nothing I experience that 'makes' thoughts appear. In fact I had one thought that I thought "Oh, I must tell Vivien that - it's important - I MUST remember it". But then I forgot it. No control. Then I remembered it a few minutes later. Thought again that I MUST remember it. But it's forgotten again lol. I will continue to do the exercise whilst waiting, to see particularly if one thought can affect the next thought. When I've done this in the past, it's been clear that one thought doesn't affect the next thought, but I haven't seen that this time yet. Logic says it's stupid to think that a thought can affect another thought, but that's just thought. I will keep doing the exercise.

[Vivien]

Hi Synelg,

I will continue to do the exercise whilst waiting, to see particularly if one thought can affect the next thought.

So, can one thought affect another?

[Synelg]

So, can one thought affect another?

Been looking for over an hour now. No - absolutely clear that one thought cannot affect another. They're all over the place.

[Vivien]

Been looking for over an hour now. No - absolutely clear that one thought cannot affect another. They're all over the place.

Nice.

What is watching or observing thoughts as they come and go?

Please spend lots of time with this. Find the watcher or observer.

[Synelg]

What is watching or observing thoughts as they come and go?

Please spend lots of time with this. Find the watcher or observer.

I turned on my voice recorder for this. Not sure how this will go, but thought it was worth trying. I did this exercise fo only 21 minutes as I had a little anxiety about the question 'suggesting' that a watcher or observer be created. I will continue the exercise after I've submitted this post without the voice recorder to see if it makes any difference. Here's a transcript of about the first 14 minutes:-

"The question is
What is watching or observing thoughts as they come and go?

Oh – I haven't done this exercise before. Thoughts say there is some anxiety around this. …I want to say 'nothing' immediately, but I'm going to look. It seems very easy with sound, because it's immediate, there's no TIME for an observer, it's just immediate, there's just the sound. Lots of body jerking here.....So What is watching or observing thoughts as they come and go? Jerk..... jerk... jerk. Sound (mental picture of fridge). Just appeared...... How can there be a watcher or observer – it just appeared – the mental picture was just there. And I heard the sound. Hand moved to scratch face – no doer – just happened. Was anyone watching or observing that? I don't think so – didn't see anyone watching or observing it – it just happened. What is watching or observing thoughts though, not sound or body movements. What is watching thoughts or observing thoughts. Mental picture of cat – just happened – no observer, no watcher – too fast, it's just a mental picture. Jerk. Was there an observer of that jerk? Can't see one - it just happened, it just happened, the jerk was just there.... Open eyes, see cat, no observer, no watcher, just see cat. Jerk. Mental picture of cat again – no observer, no watcher. Jerk. Big jerk..........jerk....jerk...sensation in throat – mental picture of throat – can't remember whether the picture came before the thought or after, but I didn't see an observer, or a watcher...jerk..mental picture of foot that jerked.....twitching, mental picture of feet that are twitching – really can't see any observer or watcher – how can there be an observer or watcher – it just happens...maybe I'm not looking properly – doubt – sensation in the back of the throat – gone, sigh... jerk..jerk.....thoughts say there's a worry that I might create a watcher or observer by asking these questions, that there's a suggestion that there's a watcher or observer by asking these questions. That a watcher or observer will be created.. Anxiety around this, sensation in the solar plexus (or is that the T6 – snort!). Jerk. Mental picture of fridge (sound), no idea whether the picture or the sound came first, no time to see if there was an observer or watcher, it was just immediate. Jerk... no TIME for a watcher or observer – too QUICK – it's just there.. sigh...jerk.. Sound (mental picture of fridge), sound (sheep, mental picture of sheep) No thoughts of a watcher or observer. Jerk.. jerk. Sound and mental picture....jerk..sigh.jerk.sound and mental picture – too fast for a watcher/observer. Sound and mental picture. I do not feel like there's a watcher or observer, again thoughts say that's an alarming thought and there's anxiety around this.jerk..jerk and mental picture of the leg and jerk. Look for sensations of a watcher/observer...sound and mental picture..sound and mental picture...sound and mental picture.jerk..sensation in back of throat and mental picture of back of throat. No sensations that might be a watcher/observer."

Oh - typing this up I realised how much I was BELIEVING the thoughts about anxiety/suggestions etc. Must admit I'm still believing that....

[Vivien]

Hi Synelg,

as I had a little anxiety about the question 'suggesting' that a watcher or observer be created.....
....Oh - typing this up I realised how much I was BELIEVING the thoughts about anxiety/suggestions etc. Must admit I'm still believing that....

Let’s look at this anxiety, fear.

What is the negative story, what would happen if it turned out that the watcher or the observer is not actually there? That it’s just an illusion?

Vivien

[Synelg]

What is the negative story, what would happen if it turned out that the watcher or the observer is not actually there? That it’s just an illusion?

No negative story about if it turned out that the watcher/observer is not actually there at all. The anxiety is because before I came to LU, the teacher I was following talked about 'awareness'. He did say that in the end, 'awareness' was not separate to what was seen, but he did talk about this and about 'dropping into being'. Then when I came here and you made it clear that 'awareness' was just another name for 'I', or could be where the 'I' was hiding, so I dropped all notion of 'awareness'. Made sense to me what you said and I could see from looking that it was so - the seen and the awareness of what was seen could not be separated.

I've seen other people you've guided have AWFUL trouble getting rid of this notion of 'awareness' or the 'observer/watcher' and the idea of looking for one created some anxiety that I might just 'imagine' one lol. But I've just spent time looking again to see if I can find a watcher/observer of thoughts and I can't, so anxiety is somewhat alleviated. I did feel a sensation in my head, spent some time with it asking if it were the 'I' or the observer/watcher, but it became clear it was just a sensation.

[Vivien]

Now please search for not just a watcher/observer, but for an awareness. We have to make sure that the notion of awareness watching or aware-ing in the background is clearly seen for what it really is.

Pay particular attention to the head.

Can you find an aware background TO which or ON thoughts appear?

[Synelg]

Can you find an aware background TO which or ON thoughts appear?

When I did this exercise the first time, I couldn't remember much of what happened to tell you, so i did it again with the recorder on. So sorry if this is onerous for you. Transcript:-

"When I ask the question Is there an awareness, my eyes roll upwards a little in my head, like I'm looking at the top of my head, and there's a sensation at the top of my head, that I'm pretty sure I once would have thought, was, the 'space of awareness', probably caused by rolling the eyes upward lol. But now I know it's just a sensation. Looking, looking...

Definitely a sensation, but it IS just a sensation, it has nothing to do with awareness. It's just attention on a sensation. With my eyes rolled upwards – which is so silly – what WAS I thinking (snort).

There are no other sensations in my head, just that one. I'm going to try shifting the body to see if the sensation goes away. Yes, it's gone.

Question – Is there a space of awareness here? Is there an aware background on which thought appear on or in.... There's a gap in thoughts? . .. . . looking, looking. . . quite a long gap in thoughts, unless I'm missing some . . . body jerks distract from thoughts a little sometimes. Is there an aware background to which or on which thoughts appear?. . . There's a gap in thoughts and an awareness of sound and mental picture of fridge – a gap in thoughts (verbal thoughts) and mental picture of fridge/sound. Sensation at the back of the head - not a big sensation - a very very mild headache - but it's just a sensation.. . . Thoughts seem to be a lot fewer these days - is that a result of all this looking?. . . Mental pictures, hearing, sensations, are all there, but narrative thoughts seem fewer. Is there an aware background? . . . There's just awareness of 'things'. Not as in awareness AND things, but like sound and the awareness of it together, and the gaps between thoughts, there are sounds and the awareness of the sounds are inseparable and sensations and the awareness of sensations inseparable. Awareness of the gap – Question – is that an awareness space? Lost it, lost that thought. No - there's just a gap between thoughts and the gap gets filled with sounds and sensations. And body jerks. There's not even much sensation in the head any more - I've just shifted my head and the sensation has gone. Is there an aware background? . . . There's just sounds and sensations,

Oh- I just realised that my commentary is actually thoughts (snort). So maybe I'm not thinking fewer thoughts lol.

Do I have a notion of awareness watching or aware-ing in the background?. . .

I think there's a LOOKING? Is that watching? Or aware-ing? Let me look. . . No it's looking, its a looking. And a waiting? A waiting to see if there is an awareness looking. It's looking. No, I'm pretty sure that's not awareness watching, but doubt creeps in here. Checking for sensations – no sensations in the head. There's a little doubt here now because I'm not sure what an awareness watching in the background would look like. There IS looking.

I'm amazed at how long I can 'look' for these days. When I first came to LU, I could barely look for SECONDS, it was difficult and a bit like I had ADHD or something. Now it's much easier to sit here for lengths of time, doing these exercises, looking, seeing what's really going on. Can I find an aware background? . . .Oh dear, I don't think so, I can't see it anyway. I can see looking, and waiting to see what comes up. . .. I can see how people would imagine that waiting could be 'awareness'. I think I used to do that. Now there's a sensation in the back of my head, but it's just a sensation, it's not an aware background.

In the waiting, there's always something happening, it's not an empty background of awareness, it's always got something in it - sound usually if I have my eyes closed.

There's a watching happening, but not an awareness watching, just watching happening. An alertness or waiting to see what's happening, what thoughts come up, what answers come up, what sensations come up. No, I'm quite clear that there's no 'awareness' watching, there's just watching, looking happening. Can't find a 'background of awareness'