Postby Leela17 » Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:58 pm
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self is merely a thought construct that is believed to be true.
I don’t really know when it starts and how it works, but here comes the story ;)
Caregivers early in life, being convinced they exist as a separate self themselves, taught me that this body and all actions executed by this body were generated by and pertained to a “me” that they called “Christina”that really exists as a separate entity. It was taught, that this "me" was responsible for everything this body was doing. This was reinforced by the learning of language which identifies a subject “I” and an object “you”. Characteristics were identified by caregivers and associated with this body that was to be believed to be "me" as well. Many years of corresponding life experiences reinforced those beliefs connected through memory and the mental construct of the illusion of a separate self was solidly put in place. Now there was a "me", that was severely lacking in some areas and excelling in others, that had to defend itself against "others" and survive in "the world". Thus suffering was born and with that the strong desire for freedom as well.
What followed were many years of the search for freedom including spiritual search, spiritual practices and attempts to clear conditioning hoping for this "me" to be finally free. I didn’t realize that a “me” can never be free, since it doesn’t exist in the first place. Nonetheless, a number of "shifts" occurred, that revealed that the ‘me’ ,who I had taken myself to be, was non-existent. But at the same time, a spacious awareness opened up that I took myself to be as my real ME, within which life unfolded moment to moment. So although the "I" as thought, pertaining to the body/personality, had been seen through, the identification with "me" as spacious awareness was still in tact which I wasn’t aware of at that time. Life felt more in the flow, more at ease, thoughts in general were severely diminished and for the first time in my life I felt comfortable as “spacious awareness". It felt like there was space for anything to arise. Whatever was perceived to be arising was seen as “not me”. It was seen as life dancing.There is definitely a freedom in that realization. But there was the notion that to be truly free there were no more “illusion" to arise. That points to a duality between “illusion” and “reality”. I didn’t quite see that at the time but felt that something didn’t feel quite complete. I then found Liberation Unleashed. During the process of my dialogue, it became apparent that the notion of “no more illusion to arise” was merely a thought that was believed, nothing to do with reality. It was further seen that spacious awareness as separate from life was a thought construct that does not correspond with direct experience either.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels even more freeing. Now I am free from “me”, since it doesn’t exist even as spacious awareness! Before I was free as spacious awareness that still had to "complete the journey". It is now seen that everything is just happening by itself including what is being perceived in any given moment. There was a belief that there had to be the focusing of awareness on Truth ( direct experience) vs illusionary thoughts. It is now seen that it is not what is being noticed that’s important but noticing itself.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
It’s hard to pinpoint it exactly, but I would say that in the course of the dialogue it was
questioned if awareness is separate from experiencing, if it is findable or not always merged with some kind of experiencing. That made me truly look at awareness that I had previously seen as the only constant that can not be seen, smelled, touched, tasted and heard or thought. But when I looked closely I saw that the sense of spaciousness of awareness was sensed and that in deed it was always merged with experiencing.I thought that this spacious awareness is always present by itself as the only constant but then had to admit that it “seems” it’s always present when it is noticed. When it is not noticed, I can’t say for sure that it is present. So I can’t say that spacious awareness exists by itself.
The other thing that helped was the clear pointing out of certain thoughts taken to be true.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I was already aware of no apparent controller in everything this body is doing from before we started this thread. I watch in amazement how everything happens by itself. Getting up in the morning, going through various tasks, talking to clients etc nobody deciding anything, all just happening, often without any thoughts whatsoever. The only area where there was still a belief in a controller/ free will was in the area of awareness itself. There was a thought/ belief that one can ‘Abide in the Self’. The Self referring to pure awareness. But now it is clearly seen that even perceiving/noticing happens by itself. It is seen that there is no control whatsoever.Life lives itself in every moment in an uninterrupted flow.
What am I responsible for? There is no “I” to be responsible and yet in this apparent play of life “other characters” might seem to hold us ‘accountable” for certain actions. In the deepest truth we are not responsible, but in the play, the plot might call us to making amends. For example: snapping at my husband when my blood sugar was very low the other day. I watched the whole scene unfold and there was absolutely nothing that could have gone differently. Yet in his eyes, “I” did something wrong which felt hurtful to him. I noticed his hurt and although I know that “I” didn’t do anything “wrong", amends were made.
6) Anything to add?
I very much appreciate that you kept poking to see if there were still any beliefs and identifications left. I was convinced I had seen through it all and was surprised to find identification with awareness itself. Thank you so much for your clear and relentless guidance! :)
Much love <3
