Requesting Vivien as guide

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,

What if I told you that seeing through the self was as simple as understanding the difference between reality and fantasy?

But take a look. Look for the self right now. Please do each of these exercises bellow, designed to move you from thought-based inquiry to experiential.

If it's there, and has been there 'your whole life', then it should be plain and simple.

Listen for the self. What is heard right now? List it out.
Find the self with touch. Touch the self. What is found?
Find the self with smelling. Smell it. What can be found?
Feel the self. How does the self is felt? What is the feeling of the self?

Look very carefully with each questions. Be careful not to reply with the automatic knee-jerk condition thought reactions. Rather try to get outside of the box of the learned, collected intellectual knowledge, and really investigate with the simplicity and curiosity of a child.

Vivien

[Selfing]

Hi Vivien,

What if I told you that seeing through the self was as simple as understanding the difference between reality and fantasy?

Right.. ok..

Listen for the self. What is heard right now? List it out.

I cannot point to anything specific. When you say listen for the self? And To point to what is heard, I can say what I am earing at the moment.. breathing going on.. noise from TV downstairs.. this is what is heard now.

Find the self with touch. Touch the self. What is found?

Again cannot point to anything specific. Touch the self? All I can feel is this body if I focus on the body..

Find the self with smelling. Smell it. What can be found?

Same thing again.. cannot find a self to smell.. but your question is as if There is a self OUTSIDE of me to smell, hear etc.. but if it’s ME how can I do that?

Feel the self. How does the self is felt? What is the feeling of the self?[/color]

Same as above. All I am feeling is this body, fingers touching the keyboard. There is nothing outside myself to feel. I can only feel MYSELF.

There is no self outside that I can ear, touch, smell.. there is nothing outside to do that..

Look very carefully with each questions. Be careful not to reply with the automatic knee-jerk condition thought reactions. Rather try to get outside of the box of the learned, collected intellectual knowledge, and really investigate with the simplicity and curiosity of a child.

Yes I have tried.

Vivien what about the so called “world” and other people.. is this just imagined also? As I look at my boyfriend for instance.. I am looking at someone with a self.. is my boyfriend and my dog imagined? What to make of this?

Love
Claudia

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,
You are trying to grasp this intellectually. You cannot go anywhere with thinking. Since the illusion of the self is created by thoughts. You cannot use the same tool (thoughts) which has created the illusion on the first place.

Vivien what about the so called “world” and other people.. is this just imagined also? As I look at my boyfriend for instance.. I am looking at someone with a self.. is my boyfriend and my dog imagined? What to make of this?

Please try to put aside these kind of thought speculations. I asked you some questions, and based on those you have some intellectual understanding that there might not be a self anywhere, and then you think and think about this and making all sorts of speculations.

but your question is as if There is a self OUTSIDE of me to smell, hear etc.. but if it’s ME how can I do that?

No, this was NOT my question.

You say: ‘if there is self OUTSIDE of me” – with this sentence you say that there are two of you-s.
- There is ME
- And there is a self OUTSIDE of me

This is a pure thought speculation.

I did NOT say to find a self OUTSIDE of yourself.
I asked you to find YOURSELF itself.

Where are YOU? WHERE is yourself?

All I am feeling is this body, fingers touching the keyboard. There is nothing outside myself to feel. I can only feel MYSELF.

‘There is nothing outside MYSELF to feel’ – WHAT is this ‘myself’ you are talking about?
WHERE Is this ‘myself’? Where exactly? Find the exact location

Vivien

[Selfing]

Hi Vivien,

Vivien what about the so called “world” and other people.. is this just imagined also? As I look at my boyfriend for instance.. I am looking at someone with a self.. is my boyfriend and my dog imagined? What to make of this?

Please try to put aside these kind of thought speculations. I asked you some questions, and based on those you have some intellectual understanding that there might not be a self anywhere, and then you think and think about this and making all sorts of speculations.

It's not that i want to make speculations.. how can I put this so that you understand.. it's like, I speak with you and it's fine I am clear with the knowlesge of no self, but then as soon as I leave talking to you I am at a situation where I need to comunicate with other people, and there is life happening and I don't know then how to relate to other people and the 'world' with this knowledge of no self. Do you understand me? That's why I wanted to explore my relationship to other people to be completely crystal clear sure so that I can relate to others and not get tricked.. at the moment I swap between knowing there is no self to being completely lost in thought again thinking there is a self..
Vivien do you see this point I am making? do you know where I am coming from?

V:Where are YOU?

Me: I am here, responding to you..

V:WHERE is yourself?

me: myself is here responding to you..

I am not saying that there are two of me. But when you ask to find myself, smell myself, taste myself.. i can't do it, because it is me. I can only do that to something other than me. I can never see, hear, smell or taste myself. But I can see another body (say my boyfriend for instance). That I can see, hear, taste and smell. But never me, the self.. I can't see myself. Well I can see this body but I don't think I am this body. I can hear my voice but I don't think I am my voice..

All I am feeling is this body, fingers touching the keyboard. There is nothing outside myself to feel. I can only feel MYSELF.

[color=#0040FFV:‘There is nothing outside MYSELF to feel’ – WHAT is this ‘myself’ you are talking about?

this person, entity that is reading this words and responding to Vivien.

WHERE Is this ‘myself’? Where exactly? Find the exact location[/color]

I am here, sitting on a chair, in a room. What other location am I looking at?
When you ask where is myself, I think this is a thought. This self is a thought. As I have to communicate with you for example I imagine a self here (thought) and is communicating with you (thought). Only for the purpose of communication. This self is only found in thought but never in actual experience.. Is this why I can't see this self, hear this self and taste this self?

Vivien I am sorry if my answers are very plain but I am trying to be as simple as possible.

thank you so much!!!

All my gratitude,
Claudia

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,

It's like, I speak with you and it's fine I am clear with the knowlesge of no self, but then as soon as I leave talking to you I am at a situation where I need to comunicate with other people, and there is life happening and I don't know then how to relate to other people and the 'world' with this knowledge of no self. Do you understand me?

But you haven’t seen through the illusion of the self (yet), you only have an intellectual knowledge. And this knowledge for you is just a BELIEF (until no self is seen). So actually nothing has changed. So why would you have to communicate differently with others? You don’t have to do anything differently. Currently, no-self is just a BELIEF for you, but under this belief there is the CORE BELIEF in the self is INTACT. So you have two beliefs layered on top of another. And at the core you still belief that there is a you interacting with other selves.

That's why I wanted to explore my relationship to other people to be completely crystal clear sure so that I can relate to others and not get tricked.. at the moment I swap between knowing there is no self to being completely lost in thought again thinking there is a self..

The thing is that you are trying to GRASP into this intellectually. Seeing no self is not about reminding yourself that there is no self. But rather ACTUALLY SEEING it. And when you’ve seen it, this question won’t really come up, since the answer will be straightforward.

But we cannot go to explore your relationship with others, while you still believe that there is a YOU/self that which has relationship. This wouldn’t work.

First, you have to SEE EXPERIENTIALLY that there is no self, and not just believe in it intellectually.

And I have to tell you, that with most of your replies you DIDN’T LOOK AT ALL.
You just wrote down your thoughts, believes.

But when you ask to find myself, smell myself, taste myself.. i can't do it, because it is me. I can only do that to something other than me.

This is a HUGE BELIEF / fantasy.
This is purely a thought speculation.

And as long as you hold onto this belief, you are cutting off your chance to see through the self.
Since the belief that “I can experience only what is other than me” is completely preventing you from ACTUALLY LOOKING at EXPERIENCE and checking if this is belief is true at the first place.

So first, I have to ask you:

Are you WILLING to questions this belief that “I cannot find myself, smell myself, taste myself, because it’s me”?

I am asking this seriously. So consider thoroughly your reply.

You have to be 100% willing to question this belief. Can you do that?

When you ask where is myself, I think this is a thought. This self is a thought. As I have to communicate with you for example I imagine a self here (thought) and is communicating with you (thought). Only for the purpose of communication. This self is only found in thought but never in actual experience.. Is this why I can't see this self, hear this self and taste this self?

This reply is genuine… I mean this reply contains moments of looking at experience directly.
This is the direction we want to go.

I am going to slow down this process… way too slow… until you ready to question your thoughts.

Because what we are doing here is to QUESTION the VALIDITY (TRUTH) of THOUGHTS.

Thoughts are rambling about all sorts of stuff, but are those thoughts are RIGHT?
Are those thoughts about reality?

This is what we are investigating here. Whether thoughts are telling the truth or not.

And what is truth? Reality/experience is the truth.
So we are testing thoughts (fantasy) AGAINST EXPERIENCE (reality).
Do you see this?

And if thoughts are not in line with experience, then clearly those thoughts are just speculations (fantasies), and not the truth of reality.
Can you see this?

Vivien

[Selfing]

Hi Vivien,

And I have to tell you, that with most of your replies you DIDN’T LOOK AT ALL.
You just wrote down your thoughts, believes.

It's not that I am not looking but sometimes I don't know where to look or I don't fully understand the question.. It helps me a lot when you give me your input tho, even if its to say 'DIDN’T LOOK AT ALL' because then I know I am not on the right direction, or that wasnt what you asked.. Thank you!

So first, I have to ask you:

Are you WILLING to questions this belief that “I cannot find myself, smell myself, taste myself, because it’s me”?

I am asking this seriously. So consider thoroughly your reply.

YES 100% !!!! I answer to you the best I know.. it's not that i want to hold onto belives.. not at all.. i just don't know how to see it diferently.

You have to be 100% willing to question this belief. Can you do that?
yes I can.

When you ask where is myself, I think this is a thought. This self is a thought. As I have to communicate with you for example I imagine a self here (thought) and is communicating with you (thought). Only for the purpose of communication. This self is only found in thought but never in actual experience.. Is this why I can't see this self, hear this self and taste this self?

This reply is genuine… I mean this reply contains moments of looking at experience directly.
This is the direction we want to go.

yes ok. This helped me now. Because now I know what direction to go..

I am going to slow down this process… way too slow… until you ready to question your thoughts.

yes sure, thank you. Thoughts is my major block!!!!!! Also everything that happens seems to have a relationship to me.. but again mayve this is just a standpoint ( thought) but not actually there..

Thoughts are rambling about all sorts of stuff, but are those thoughts are RIGHT?
Are those thoughts about reality?

For instance this morning I noticed a car passing by.. immediatetely a thought arose saying ' a car just passed by me'.. is this the separate self assuming also? there is a car yes, but not a me? so whoever or whatever noticed the car does not exist? only the toughts is assuming an entity that seen the car?

And what is truth? Reality/experience is the truth.
So we are testing thoughts (fantasy) AGAINST EXPERIENCE (reality).
Do you see this?

I think so. the exercise with the spoon was really great to see this difference that you mentioned but I am only confused when thoughts assume an entity here that has a relationship to everything.. That is maybe my biggest confusion..

And if thoughts are not in line with experience, then clearly those thoughts are just speculations (fantasies), and not the truth of reality.
Can you see this?

I can see this with the spoon exercise.

All my love,
Claudia

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,

For instance this morning I noticed a car passing by.. immediatetely a thought arose saying ' a car just passed by me'.. is this the separate self assuming also? there is a car yes, but not a me? so whoever or whatever noticed the car does not exist? only the toughts is assuming an entity that seen the car?

These are good questions. Why don’t you look for yourself?

Find the noticer. Look at an object before you.

The object is there. But where is the looker, the me?

Find the exact spot where the LOOKER of the object resides.
Where is it?
Is in in the toes?
Or in the stomach?
In the chest?
Maybe in the throat?
In the head somewhere? Where?
In the eyes?
Behind the eyes?
At the top of the head?
Or maybe a bit lower, closer to the middle of the head?
Or maybe a bit closer to the back of the scull?

WHERE are you?

Vivien

[Selfing]

Hi Vivien,

Find the noticer. Look at an object before you.

The object is there. But where is the looker, the me?

this is really hard for me. As I look at the object 'watch' .. how I have always looked at it was ' I/me AM looking AT the watch'. When you ask where is the looker? I can't find a location for this looker. The thought is narrating ' I am looking at the watch' . Only the Thought is narrating this as it does not know what else to do so it is assuming this. In the act of looking at the watch there is no looker, but when you ask that question then the Thoughts appears and says ' I am looking at the watch' as if there is someone doing this' .. That is the best I have for now..

Find the exact spot where the LOOKER of the object resides.
Where is it?

I don't know how to answer this..

Is in in the toes?

no

Or in the stomach?

no

In the chest?
no

Maybe in the throat?
no

In the head somewhere? Where?
In the eyes?
Behind the eyes?

Behind the eyes would be the closest for me.

At the top of the head?

no

Or maybe a bit lower, closer to the middle of the head?
Or maybe a bit closer to the back of the scull?

no

WHERE are you?

I don't know.. It feels like there is someone behind the eyes.. But I cannot look behind the eyes to find it.. It's the same as asking use your eyes to see your eyes.. I cannot.. If you ask me to find any object and analyse I can do it. But as soon as you turn to me, I, myself I cannot.. but if I had to pick a location I would say behind the eyes.


All my love,
Claudia

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,

In the act of looking at the watch there is no looker, but when you ask that question then the Thoughts appears and says ' I am looking at the watch' as if there is someone doing this' ..

Yes, exactly. So thoughts are talking about a looker. “I am the one that is looking at the watch”. And what we are doing here is to TEST if these thoughts are telling the truth.

And we are testing it by checking in experience what is ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
To check if what’s thoughts are ‘telling’ are in line with experience or not.
Is this clear that this is what we are doing here?

It feels like there is someone behind the eyes.. But I cannot look behind the eyes to find it.. It's the same as asking use your eyes to see your eyes.. I cannot..

This is the third time that you are coming back to this same intellectual ‘excuse’ (belief) why it’s impossible to look for the self.

But this is just a belief.
It’s very possible to look for the self.
Actually, it’s very easy.

You just have to move your attention away from thoughts, and direct it to experience.

It feels like there is someone behind the eyes..

All right. Please put the attention onto this ‘someone behind the eyes’.
Just FEEL it.

What is it that you can ACTUALLY FEEL at that place, behind the eyes?
What can you FEEL there?

Is there anything else there other than a sensation?

Please look very carefully all day long. Look as often as possible. Preferably hundred times a day. Even if it’s just for a minute or less, still look and FEEL what is there behind the eyes.

Vivien

[Selfing]

Hi Vivien,

And we are testing it by checking in experience what is ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
To check if what’s thoughts are ‘telling’ are in line with experience or not.
Is this clear that this is what we are doing here?

yes clear. This was a MASSIVE one for me.. for many years I could Not get passed this!!!! what a relief!! I see what you mean.

What is it that you can ACTUALLY FEEL at that place, behind the eyes?
What can you FEEL there?

I can only feel sensations..

Is there anything else there other than a sensation?

no.. there is only sensations..

Please look very carefully all day long. Look as often as possible. Preferably hundred times a day. Even if it’s just for a minute or less, still look and FEEL what is there behind the eyes.

I did not try to do this as many tines as I wanted but everytime I did I could only feel sensations.. I always have to use Thought to articulate a person behind it.. INFERING a person..

During the day I try to be confused with what is, but as soon as I am with other people, or in work I have to be a someone and it feels like i forgot the knowledge. But then, everytime I focus or you come to mind I kind of remind myself of what we have been talking about and then there is that instant knowledge again.. what person? is thought! only thought!

But it's confusing to me.. when I am focused in work for instance there is even no time to think of a self.. I am one with the moment.. later on in the day, then I ask myself ' where was I ', but again this is thought trying to claim ownership I think..

sorry if I am blabing.....!! I like to share my thoughts with you so you know where I am at.. or do you want me only to answer your questions?

ViVien I am forever grateful!!!! Thank so much for being there alongside me..

All my love,
Claudia

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,

ViVien I am forever grateful!!!! Thank so much for being there alongside me..

You are very welcome :)

During the day I try to be confused with what is, but as soon as I am with other people, or in work I have to be a someone and it feels like i forgot the knowledge. But then, everytime I focus or you come to mind I kind of remind myself of what we have been talking about and then there is that instant knowledge again.. what person? is thought! only thought!

It seems to me (but please correct me if I’m wrong) that you remind yourself with the thought that ‘there is no self, no person there’, but that’s it.

So you just have a thought reminder, but you don’t actually check in experience if this thought is telling the truth or not, rather you just believe this thought. Is this so?

Or when the thought arises “there is no self, no person” then do you ACTIVELY SEARCH for a self to check if this thought is in line with experience?

Because if don’t search for the self, if you don’t check it, then you just covering up one believe with another.
You have an underlying belief that ‘there is a self’, and now you are trying to replace it, or cover it up with another belief ‘there is no self’.

Since if you don’t actually search for the self and SEE that actually there is nothing there, then the ‘no-self’ is just a BELIEF for you, not a reality.

Can you see the difference between believing that there is no self, and actually SEEING that there is no-self?

Do you see that believing in no-self (without seeing it) is useless/pointless?

Let’s investigate thoughts.

Please sit on a chair doing nothing for a few minutes. Watch the thoughts coming and going.

Can you trace a thought back to where it came?
In the same way, can you follow a thought to its destination, if any?
Can you tell where thoughts come from and go to, without using any imagination or speculation?

Please repeat this exercise several times before replying.

Vivien

[Selfing]

Hi Vivien,

So you just have a thought reminder, but you don’t actually check in experience if this thought is telling the truth or not, rather you just believe this thought. Is this so?

while I am caught in 'being someone' I don't even remember it.. Then somehow its like I check on myself. And I ask what is actually going on, I check and I don't see, smell, taste or feel a self. Then I know it is a thought. But the pull to be a person is so strong that I get caught right away.. Only when I 'step back' and inquirer do I see that it was a thougth all along, and that nothing is really happening. But to be totally honest I am on and off with this..one moment I am all caught in especially around a group of people other times, when alone or deeply contemplating our chats do I have a better, clearer seeing. It is inevitable I find. Is this normal?

Or when the thought arises “there is no self, no person” then do you ACTIVELY SEARCH for a self to check if this thought is in line with experience?[/color]

yes I do. And I find that sometimes thoughts ARE in line with experience..when I see a cup, and a thought says 'cup'.

Can you see the difference between believing that there is no self, and actually SEEING that there is no-self?

I think so. Well I know exactly what you are saying but there are things that I am a little stuck with and that I can't seem to get past. For example, altought there is no self if I really look for it, I still need to be a self in order to function in the world. And this self with all its anxiets and worries STILL have a Major inpact on me.. so what is the point? for instance and I ask please that you comment on this.. Today at work.. I was stressing out because I was not being able to meet a deadline. In the middle of evertyhing and while feeling this anxiety you came to mind. I then enquired.. who is this I that is stressed? I looked for it, tried to see it, smell it, taste it.. nothing found. The fact that I did not find any self did not alleviate anything.. because I am a self to my boss and colleagues. Not meeting that deadline has consequences..you now might ask who knows that? Thought is saying that, but thoughts cannot know anything.. they just appear.. I can see that in that EXACT moment nothing was really happening apart from that thought but nevertheless WAS the thougth WRONG? it was saying the truth.. THIS IS MY BIGGEST CONFUSION. Can you please advise how should I look at this? This is the only block have at the moment..

How can I not believe this self when I have to act as a self to my boss? This is a contradiction to me..

Do you see that believing in no-self (without seeing it) is useless/pointless?

Yes 100%.

Can you trace a thought back to where it came?

I cannot. Thought appears on its own.

In the same way, can you follow a thought to its destination, if any?

Following a thought is a thought. I can't follow a thought, I can only notice it. WOW! just had an AH-AH moment then.

[/quote]Can you tell where thoughts come from and go to, without using any imagination or speculation?
[/quote]
No. Without using imagination I cannot.What is IS on it's own accord.. to think about where a thought go to is already 'moving' from the present into thought land..

A question just popped up this your question then =) when you say 'without using any imagination or speculation' - It seems as If I can imagine, or have the power to do that.. Like I can control what I Imagine or think.. hum.. I cannot control a thought, but I have the free will to have a thought of my choice. I can choose now if I want to think of something, or I can choose to imagine something.. I think I will leave this one for later..

I am enjoying more and more our chats, I have 'seen' things I have never seen before and I know I could not get there if it wasn't for you guiding me in that direction - Thank you!

with gratitude,
Claudia

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,

For example, altought there is no self if I really look for it, I still need to be a self in order to function in the world.

This is a pure speculation. You don’t have to need to be a self.
How could you be a self if there is no such thing as a self? And what could become a self, if there is no you?

The fact that I did not find any self did not alleviate anything.. because I am a self to my boss and colleagues.

Ohhh… so you expecting a better or more pleasant experience to feel better?
But where is this ‘you’ that could feel better?

Seeing that there is no self is NOT about alleviating anything.
It’s not about making all unpleasant sensations and experiences to go away.
We are not doing this looking to feel better. Or to not be anxious.
This is not about self-improvement.

You have a big expectation here. You want to feel better. And of course, it’s normal, but only a self could feel better.

How can I not believe this self when I have to act as a self to my boss? This is a contradiction to me..

You see, you believe that there is a YOU, which could ACT as a SELF.

WHERE is this ‘you’ that have to act a self? – show me!

Vivien

[Selfing]

Hi Vivien,

How could you be a self if there is no such thing as a self? And what could become a self, if there is no you?

I know what you are saying. But what I meant was, I need to act as somebody or not? If my boss speaks to me, I answer. i don't just Not reply because there is no one here?? do you know what I mean? this is what I mean when i say that I need to be a self to other people.

Ohhh… so you expecting a better or more pleasant experience to feel better?
But where is this ‘you’ that could feel better?

it's not that I want to feel better, or that I want a more pleasant experience. But I thought that seeing no self also meant less anxiety for instance.. because when you know that there is not other way, and things are as they are inevitably then anxiety for what?? i thought it would clear up.. This to me confirms that I still deep inside believe in the self. Am i wrong by thinking this way?? even after seeing the no self, am I still going to be anxious and suffering for wanting things to be different??? I thought acceptance would replace this, and therefore no suffering. Is this just an expectation of mine????

Seeing that there is no self is NOT about alleviating anything.
It’s not about making all unpleasant sensations and experiences to go away.

yes ok, but when there is total acceptance of this unplesant experiences there is no suffering right? Only a self would classify something as unplesant right?! to a no self, everything just is.. there is no forcing something to be different than what it is.. am I being naive here?

How can I not believe this self when I have to act as a self to my boss? This is a contradiction to me..

You see, you believe that there is a YOU, which could ACT as a SELF.

It's not that I believe there is a me which could act as a self, but is like what I was saying before that when someone speaks to me I respond, I also have responsabilities and I have to report to people etc Imagine if I just said ' there is no here - you are you speaking to boss? i am not doing my work because there is no one here to do anything! It is in this sense that I need to pretend to be someone.

WHERE is this ‘you’ that have to act a self? – show me!

Nowhere. I mean it. It is only the above I need clearing up..

All my love,
Claudia

[Vivien]

Hi Claudia,

But what I meant was, I need to act as somebody or not? If my boss speaks to me, I answer. i don't just Not reply because there is no one here?? do you know what I mean? this is what I mean when i say that I need to be a self to other people.
It's not that I believe there is a me which could act as a self, but is like what I was saying before that when someone speaks to me I respond, I also have responsabilities and I have to report to people etc Imagine if I just said ' there is no here - you are you speaking to boss? i am not doing my work because there is no one here to do anything! It is in this sense that I need to pretend to be someone.

“It’s not that I believe there is a me..” – but you do!
You are still strongly believe in the self.
Otherwise, you wouldn’t ask these questions. They wouldn’t come up at all.
These questions are totally meaningless if the self is seen through.

What you wrote above are just FANTASIES and SPECULATIONS about how someone should behave if the self were seen through.
There is no point of me giving you answers to these questions.
This is completely intellectual.

I cannot answer any of your questions. Because it’s a guiding and not a coaching.
The difference between the two is that a coach give you a superficial advice.
And if you believe in those advice you act accordingly.
But nothing in your perception has changed.
You still have the same believes, you just act differently according to those borrowed beliefs.

With looking, I don’t give any advice. Since that would be utterly useless for you.
With looking I help you to focus your attention to the direction where you can discover things for yourself.
And then you don’t have to rely on second hand beliefs.
You don’t have to rely on any belief.
Since you will have an experiential understanding of the facts. No beliefs are needed.

But I thought that seeing no self also meant less anxiety for instance.. because when you know that there is not other way, and things are as they are inevitably then anxiety for what?? i thought it would clear up.. This to me confirms that I still deep inside believe in the self. Am i wrong by thinking this way?? even after seeing the no self, am I still going to be anxious and suffering for wanting things to be different??? I thought acceptance would replace this, and therefore no suffering. Is this just an expectation of mine????

These are ALL unrealistic expectation. These are all fantasies on behalf of the self.
You believe in the self, and you want to feel better.
But seeing through the self is not a self-improvement.

Please go back to the beginning of this thread, where I replied back to these same expectations.
Read it again several times.

but when there is total acceptance of this unplesant experiences there is no suffering right? Only a self would classify something as unplesant right?! to a no self, everything just is.. there is no forcing something to be different than what it is.. am I being naive here?

You are fantasizing about a better experience for yourself. I covered the topic of suffering in my post about expectations.

V: WHERE is this ‘you’ that have to act a self? – show me!

S: Nowhere. I mean it. It is only the above I need clearing up..

Claudia, you are not looking.
You are adopted the BELIEF that there is no-self.
But you still strongly believe in the self.

You say that you have to pretend to your boss. But actually, you are pretending as if you were seen through the self.

You adopted a new belief that there is no self.
And you DON’T LOOK with my questions.

You completely avoided looking, since you THINK that you ALREADY KNOW that there is no self.

Every single questions I give you, are pointer for you to look.
And you ALWAYS have to look AFRESH. NEVER EVER rely on the MEMORY of a previous looking.

So I’m going to slow down this investigation. I will ignore most of your replies, and I will give you just a few questions to investigate very thoroughly.

We have to make it simple.
You are heavily intellectualizing.
And this needs to be stopped.

So for now, go back to read my reply to your expectations several times.
Also, read this post many times.

This is the only things you have to do for now.
Let me know how you see things after re-reading these two post.

Vivien