:) OK! Here goes:
In my opinion you're already through the gate, so I couldn't claim to have guided you.
But if you like please answer the following questions. I feel sure that the answers will be a delight to read :-)
(1) Is there a "me," at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?
(2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts, and how it works.
(3) How does it feel to see this?
(4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion?
(5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
(1) Is there a "me," at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?
Is there a "me"... hmmm. There doesn't seem to be nor has there ever seemed to be a "me". What has been seen as a "me" historically is now just seen as a collection of thoughts and ideas that were once collected and believed.
(2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts, and how it works.
Haha... OK, the illusion of separate self... is something that begins at some point when we decide that "Oh, there's something wrong here, I am not this - I am..." and identification begins. This may be with compliments that people give you or with insults, or simply with things we decide ourselves that we would prefer to "be". Someone yells something at you in anger perhaps and you think "Oh... I am that..." and connect with it a sense of deflation or self-loathing that continues with it as long as you belief the thought: "I am that". This separate self seems to function as a confusing matted beast of sorts, collecting against itself all of the stray opinions and misguided advice necessary to prop up its core beliefs, whatever they are.
(3) How does it feel to see this?
It feels liberating! :) It also feels calm... simple, unpretentious. Just, "not complicated"... at times joyful. At times ecstatic. At times laughter happens, coming from a simple observation of nothing really... laughter feels light, natural. The body feels extremely energetic... sometimes too much so, but less food is wanted. The discipline of eating has to be followed due to the physical demands placed on this body through breastfeeding a hungry baby boy. The energy here feels huge... endless perhaps should it be examined...
(4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion?
Who you are, is simply here. You are just sitting here. Look, we are both sitting here in our respective places. I am watching myself as it is... hearing the sound of a fridge in the background, a baby cooing and talking as he goes to sleep, outside someone walking. My body is alive with energy. Thoughts come and go, related to some things pertinent and some things not... but there is no identification. There is just this being. This being is simply here, as your being is simply here. You are already aware of this. You see yourself in this reality and you can identify or not. You may choose to identify - "This is me", but this is not you. This is a temporary occurrence you are experiencing in this moment. In this next moment, is this experience the same? No, it has changed slightly... it has altered. There is no volition, only this awareness of the ever changing moment. Watch it, you are already always here. There is nothing to do. You are living this life as life itself is living you. When you were a baby, you were here already. Look at a baby, they are always present. There is no separate "me" they attach themselves to. They are simply riding pure experience, taking each moment for what it is - no thought of what the moment should be or could be, just accepting it fully and becoming curious/interested in what is has to offer. Become like this babe and you will understand this state as it is being explained to you.
(5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
This is a hard question to answer... as stated earlier, for me this awakening has been more gentle than can be simply described. It is stepping slowly into a cool bath of water... stepping slowly into the ocean may be more accurately, until suddenly one realizes they are breathing under the waves, it seems like.
I live in a zen community and meditate frequently. The energy here is very strong. Some Lisa Cairns videos crossed my path, as well as a few articles by Lori Ann Lothian... these triggered some strong shifts. Suddenly the world was being seen differently. The sufferer was being watched.
Then the Sunday before last, I took a drive to a small seaside town and stopped at an art gallery with my son. The drive down was awful. My partner had thrown a fit about something and I was carrying that impression along for the drive... unbeknownst at the time. Everything looked eerie, dark... old, scary in a way... far from beautiful. After stopping at the art gallery (where I literally looked at every single piece of art in the place), I got back in my car and drove home back up the mountain where we live.
and. it was. SO beautiful. The breeze felt light and warm, full of life and this subtle loving energy. The trees shone with hidden light... everything radiated out at me. I rolled down all the windows wanting to soak it all in.
Same drive - same road. Completely different experience.
The awareness of this incredibly difference was not lost... The thought came: "The drive here, this road was ugly, scary. Now it is completely transformed - but the road has not changed. Rupam has changed." Whatever I could attribute it to... the art, the lovely, warm funny woman running the art gallery... the patrons (I met one of the artists - who happened to also be the same artist whose art I stood admiring the longest while at the gallery).... Whatever I could attribute it to didn't matter... it was not the situations, it was that Rupam (I), chose to OPEN to the beauty in the gallery, the owner, the other patrons... WHATEVER... and the result was that EVERYTHING (Everything) became beautiful. It wasn't the art. It was RUPAM that allowed the beauty she saw to become visible.
I might have even said this out loud: "I HAVE BEEN BLIND!!" and I realized in that moment, that the blindness was "self" created... that this beauty existed always should I choose to view it.
From there the deepening seemed only to continue... walls crumbled. That felt like the biggest shift.
