Looking for a long time and quite confused.

[Sarah7]

Morning Felix

At some point, I noticed that there is just thought, and nobody/nothing there that could "predict" anything. What would that look like, this "predicting"? It doesn't make sense. There is no such thing there. There is only thought. This was somehow a huge realization.

Ok so spend some time watching thoughts. What they say, when they say it, etc. Get curious, explore and enjoy to the point of smiling whenever you see thought doing it’s thing! It’s a beautiful thing to watch and it’s very funny!

Thought definitely plays a big role here. A lot of it is story. There is also some fear there.

And explore the fear. Is it really fear, or just labelled that by thought? What is fearful? Where is it located? Get curious!
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

Ok so spend some time watching thoughts. What they say, when they say it, etc. Get curious, explore and enjoy to the point of smiling whenever you see thought doing it’s thing! It’s a beautiful thing to watch and it’s very funny!

It feels like there a so many little 'insights' that it is hard to write them all down. It brings up the question "who is watching the thoughts?" - but that again is just a thought.

And explore the fear. Is it really fear, or just labelled that by thought? What is fearful? Where is it located? Get curious!

When I focus on/explore "fear" or other emotions, the sensation itself becomes much more friendly. It's just a 'sensation', it's not inherently "good" or "bad". Again, more thought that labels things. Thought comes from nowhere and tells a story. But every moment is new somehow.

This focusing causes a much more positive and benign mood. This striving for "good" feelings is also interesting. It's more that things just are as they are. Instead of questions being answered, like "what should I do?", the questions become irrelevant. They were just chosen arbitrarily, without any real reason/cause. There is no choice over thoughts - sometimes laziness shows up, sometimes motivation, sometimes an insight, sometimes just random thoughts. Thoughts often contain self-loathing or similar emotions for no apparent reason.

Thanks!

Best,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Morning Felix

It feels like there a so many little 'insights' that it is hard to write them all down. It brings up the question "who is watching the thoughts?" - but that again is just a thought.

But noticing happens though doesn’t it? And good question! Who is!

And explore the fear. Is it really fear, or just labelled that by thought? What is fearful? Where is it located? Get curious!
When I focus on/explore "fear" or other emotions, the sensation itself becomes much more friendly. It's just a 'sensation', it's not inherently "good" or "bad". Again, more thought that labels things. Thought comes from nowhere and tells a story. But every moment is new somehow.

This focusing causes a much more positive and benign mood. This striving for "good" feelings is also interesting. It's more that things just are as they are. Instead of questions being answered, like "what should I do?", the questions become irrelevant. They were just chosen arbitrarily, without any real reason/cause. There is no choice over thoughts - sometimes laziness shows up, sometimes motivation, sometimes an insight, sometimes just random thoughts. Thoughts often contain self-loathing or similar emotions for no apparent reason.

Is the striving for good any different to the avoidance of bad?

Think of a radio with different songs coming out of it. Does the radio have a choice over the song? Does the radio prefer any song over another?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

But noticing happens though doesn’t it?

Yes! Definitely! It's somehow a really lifting feeling to realize that things *just happen*. That things happening is free, and that things happen without control, they just do.

And good question! Who is!

I couldn't find anybody. But there are thoughts talk about watching thoughts. Questions that arise, such as "is this all there is to watching thought?" are also just thought!

Is the striving for good any different to the avoidance of bad?

This also felt really impactful. Striving for good seems to be wanting to get away from the current moment, that is labeled as bad. But there isn't really anywhere to get to.

Think of a radio with different songs coming out of it. Does the radio have a choice over the song? Does the radio prefer any song over another?

This feels also *really* strong. I've remembered this a few times over the last couple of days, I will try to explore this more. It seems to - again - lead towards more acceptance/exploration of emotions/etc. that come up.

Again, thanks a lot! :)

Best,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Hey Felix

This feels also *really* strong. I've remembered this a few times over the last couple of days, I will try to explore this more. It seems to - again - lead towards more acceptance/exploration of emotions/etc. that come up.

Who or what accepts?
Or does that also just happen?

What takes you out of now (or appears to)?

How’s the seeking going?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

Who or what accepts?
Or does that also just happen?

No, acceptance also simply happens. It was very, very relieving when I noticed this. Or rather, when noticing happened.

What takes you out of now (or appears to)?

Hmm I'm not 100% sure what this refers to. I would say not many things, but they feel rather major: Fears/uncertainty about the future; whether I'm making the right decisions in my life currently. Thinking about this has also brought a certain peace to these topics in my head, just by taking a look at them. Of course that also just happened.

How’s the seeking going?

Again not 100% sure what this refers to. It makes me look at my seeking so far, and where I am now. Very relieving somehow, puts a smile on my face :) Makes me wonder what it is that I am/was seeking?

Don't really know what else to write.

Thanks again!!

Best,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Morning Felix

Hmm I'm not 100% sure what this refers to. I would say not many things, but they feel rather major: Fears/uncertainty about the future; whether I'm making the right decisions in my life currently. Thinking about this has also brought a certain peace to these topics in my head, just by taking a look at them. Of course that also just happened.

Just wanted to see where you were so to speak. What is it that takes you out of now? You say fears and uncertainty. Then what happens to them when you look at them?

Again not 100% sure what this refers to. It makes me look at my seeking so far, and where I am now. Very relieving somehow, puts a smile on my face :) Makes me wonder what it is that I am/was seeking?

Is seeking was still happening then? If so what happened when you look at that?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

Just wanted to see where you were so to speak. What is it that takes you out of now? You say fears and uncertainty. Then what happens to them when you look at them?

Whenever I focus on these things, they "dissolve", and the associated feelings/emotions become much lighter.

Is seeking was still happening then? If so what happened when you look at that?

It's hard to say. It also seems to "dissolve" the more I look at it. It makes me wonder what I am seeking, and rather what I am trying to get away from. Therefore it also focuses me on 'now'. It's a good feeling.

So, a few days ago, I had the following realization: I noticed that there aren't both thought and a thinker, but that they are "the same" somehow. I also noticed that life is not self-led, but is more led by thought, because thought is the only thing there is, and thought appears by itself. It's really hard to describe, but it has changed how thought appears. Thought has become much more friendly more often. But also there seems to be less of an association with it.

Thanks!

Best,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Hey Felix
Sorry for the late reply.

Whenever I focus on these things, they "dissolve", and the associated feelings/emotions become much lighter.

Excellent. Keep looking into this though anytime you feel seeking is happening or there’s something taking you out of now, or any uncomfortable feelings etc.

So, a few days ago, I had the following realization: I noticed that there aren't both thought and a thinker, but that they are "the same" somehow. I also noticed that life is not self-led, but is more led by thought, because thought is the only thing there is, and thought appears by itself. It's really hard to describe, but it has changed how thought appears. Thought has become much more friendly more often. But also there seems to be less of an association with it.

Just checking here. You experience thought yes?
But do you experience their content? Is their content real?

Anymore questions Felix? Anything you want to look at?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

Sorry for the late reply.

No problem of course and thanks!

Excellent. Keep looking into this though anytime you feel seeking is happening or there’s something taking you out of now, or any uncomfortable feelings etc.

Will do!

Just checking here. You experience thought yes?

Yes thought is definitely there. But there is no entity that generates thoughts or something, they just appear.

But do you experience their content? Is their content real?

Experience, such as seeing, is different from thought. The obvious answer is "no", because thoughts are just words, they talk about things, but they are not the things they talk about. Thank you!

Anymore questions Felix? Anything you want to look at?

I still want to look more into the whole "no-self" thing, I don't know if you meant apart from that or including that. This again is just a thought, but yeah. Apart from that I can't really say right now, I'm not really sure what I expected in the first place. But I would be lying if I said things are "perfect" now somehow, I will continue looking and see if something more concrete turns up.

Thanks again!

Best,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Hey Felix

I still want to look more into the whole "no-self" thing, I don't know if you meant apart from that or including that. This again is just a thought, but yeah. Apart from that I can't really say right now, I'm not really sure what I expected in the first place. But I would be lying if I said things are "perfect" now somehow, I will continue looking and see if something more concrete turns up.

No self - how are you experiencing a self now, at the moment?

Perfect now - is there an expectation here? That things should be perfect after? Or some other expectation? What expects? And have a look for what is expected too. Have you a list! ;)
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

No self - how are you experiencing a self now, at the moment?

The word "I" appears in thoughts. But thoughts chase themselves. There is no entity that is affected by thoughts.

It feels like there should be some big realization that sets me free or something. Like I came here for that. Trying to avoid some not-so-nice truths by looking for a way out. The more I look at these thoughts the more they seem to be dealt with. Acceptance seems to help.

Perfect now - is there an expectation here? That things should be perfect after? Or some other expectation?

That seems to align well with what I wrote above :)

What expects?

This was a good one! I wanted to write "thoughts", but then I remembered that thoughts can't *do* things, like "expecting something". So expectance just is. It's a word that helps taking focus away from now and from what is, a label, disconnected from actual experiences. But it's all good. Nothing going wrong or happening in a way that it should not.

And have a look for what is expected too. Have you a list! ;)

This is the main point/what I came up with:

• Not being rejected by others/looked down upon; Being accepted by others. I noticed that this is (of course) mainly due to events from the past; but the past can't be changed (it's also in its core about now and not about the past)! No matter what happened in the past, now is different, and disconnected from then. Thoughts/fears about the future exist *now*, the "real" future does not exist yet (and yet there is only now, because the "future" is a concept of thought).

I somehow don't want to be done; Maybe this is also because of the "looking for a realization"-stuff. Fear of failure (in the future) comes up when I think about this. The notion that I could be not enough, that I could fail in some way. Not knowing how to live life/how it works? lol. It seems like humans are the only beings on this planet that could think like this, and it's kind of ridiculous. Animals don't have self-doubt.

Thanks so much again!

Best,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Morning Felix

It feels like there should be some big realization that sets me free or something. Like I came here for that. Trying to avoid some not-so-nice truths by looking for a way out.

Feels like? Or thoughts say this can’t be it? Have a look. Why can’t this be it? What make this NOT it?

This was a good one! I wanted to write "thoughts", but then I remembered that thoughts can't *do* things, like "expecting something". So expectance just is. It's a word that helps taking focus away from now and from what is, a label, disconnected from actual experiences. But it's all good. Nothing going wrong or happening in a way that it should not.

No thinking look! Do thoughts expect. Do you experience them expecting? If not what is expecting. Thought content? Where do the ideas for what it should be like come from! Books? Satsangs? Etc.

Not being rejected by others/looked down upon; Being accepted by others. I noticed that this is (of course) mainly due to events from the past; but the past can't be changed (it's also in its core about now and not about the past)! No matter what happened in the past, now is different, and disconnected from then. Thoughts/fears about the future exist *now*, the "real" future does not exist yet (and yet there is only now, because the "future" is a concept of thought).

Where is the you to be rejected? Where is the you to be looked down upon? What is being looked down upon here or rejected?
Have a look. Do you mean feelings? The body? What?

I somehow don't want to be done; Maybe this is also because of the "looking for a realization"-stuff. Fear of failure (in the future) comes up when I think about this. The notion that I could be not enough, that I could fail in some way. Not knowing how to live life/how it works? lol. It seems like humans are the only beings on this planet that could think like this, and it's kind of ridiculous. Animals don't have self-doubt.

Well there is nothing I can teach you anyhow! You already are what you are looking for. What was experienced here was the initial recognition of no self, then years of further unfolding and onion peeling as I call it. I don’t know what done means. It doesn’t stop. And who said suffering ends? Where was that read or whatever?
Find the ‘i’ that is failing. Where is that? Delve into that failure. What does it consist of? Get curious. Explore. Same with the self doubt. Pick that apart too. Happy digging!
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

I was away on a trip the last week, so it took me some time to reply! But I read what you wrote already during that time, and followed the questions. Due to that, some answers might not be completely "fresh" anymore, meaning the related experiences happened some time ago. Also, I'm currently dealing with some other stuff that just happened a few days ago, which is emotionally heavy and draining and occupying most of my time/thinking, "fucking me up" so to speak. So I find it hard to get into the mindset to focus on the question(s) without drifting off in my thoughts, but I really want to see this through.

Something about thought and thought content: Noticing the difference wasn't easy, so I didn't really get it, but yesterday I noticed something. The things thoughts talk about don't really exist or happen. It's really simple. A thought like "I have been thinking a lot about X" is not 'thinking a lot about X'. The reality of 'thinking a lot about X' (or whatever) doesn't really exist, it doesn't refer to something that actually exists/can be experienced. This has "dissolved" some thoughts since I noticed it, but bad thoughts/emotions/moods (of course) still come up, so 'it doesn't work all the time'. Again, it's the same thought saying this, I don't really understand. Shouldn't things be understood/known once they are noticed? Why do the patterns keep repeating still? Also, thoughts somehow are a central part of life, so they can't just stop or disappear or something.

Feels like? Or thoughts say this can’t be it? Have a look. Why can’t this be it? What make this NOT it?

I wanted to be more 'in control' of my life once 'I got this', or rather am taking that as a measurement for my progress. But I don't really feel like I'm getting there. And again, yes, it's thought saying it, but somehow I don't really care. It's like I want to be sad and miserable, and don't really want to do things. It somehow feels really relieving to have written/accepted/seen that. Like in a positive way, took off the pressure.

No thinking look! Do thoughts expect. Do you experience them expecting? If not what is expecting. Thought content? Where do the ideas for what it should be like come from! Books? Satsangs? Etc.

Yeah, expecting is thought content. This fits in well with what I started with, the "there is no reality to what thoughts say". From reading up on forums and other stuff, and also some books (Tolle). Probably also fueled by "searching"(/"seeking") in the first place, with the promise of "eternal peace" or something.

Where is the you to be rejected? Where is the you to be looked down upon? What is being looked down upon here or rejected?
Have a look. Do you mean feelings? The body? What?

Being rejected causes.. bad feelings, it feels extremely shit, makes me feel small, just really really bad in general. Nothing really is looked down upon or rejected. It still causes bad feelings, that's just reality. No way to get away from it. I mean what does saying/thinking "there is nobody there to be rejected" help, when in practice it still sucks? But writing this out seems to help somehow.

Trying to find out what the phrase "I don't want to be rejected" means then, when I can't really find something that is being rejected, but when it still feels bad somehow. It's about me being useless or similar things, and wanting to get away from it, therefore fearing rejection, which would rather drive the idea home. I think I touched on this before when I was talking with John, and it seemed to be a pretty significant thing to have found then. It still feels very powerful now. Really relieving to have looked that deep down again.

Well there is nothing I can teach you anyhow! You already are what you are looking for. What was experienced here was the initial recognition of no self, then years of further unfolding and onion peeling as I call it. I don’t know what done means. It doesn’t stop. And who said suffering ends? Where was that read or whatever?

The part about "who said suffering ends? where was that read?" struck me pretty good. It makes sense. I thought at some point I would "change". And honestly I'm still looking for that. The idea was that this would actually change me, make me more self-confident (or just confident in general), etc. Like it was all towards that goal.

You already are what you are looking for.

This was.. also a strong one, but it took me a moment to realize what it means. Is this similar to how when we think that something (some emotion etc.) is lacking we must already be experiencing the emotion or have a very clear picture of it in order to be able to name it, thereby already not really be lacking it? Like it's not possible to think about a color that doesn't exist, we must know it beforehand. At the same time "there isn't really an end"/"never done", we continue just being what we are looking for?

Find the ‘i’ that is failing. Where is that? Delve into that failure. What does it consist of? Get curious. Explore. Same with the self doubt. Pick that apart too. Happy digging!

The 'i' is in the story. I can't really find much more right now in this direction, but much of it seems to have been lifted with when I accepted that I was ok with "being sad/miserable". Maybe this will come back later, but for now I can't find much more. (Also kind of tired, took some time to go through this.)

Thank you so much again!!

Best,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Hey Felix
Are you ok?

Something about thought and thought content: Noticing the difference wasn't easy, so I didn't really get it, but yesterday I noticed something. The things thoughts talk about don't really exist or happen. It's really simple. A thought like "I have been thinking a lot about X" is not 'thinking a lot about X'. The reality of 'thinking a lot about X' (or whatever) doesn't really exist, it doesn't refer to something that actually exists/can be experienced. This has "dissolved" some thoughts since I noticed it, but bad thoughts/emotions/moods (of course) still come up, so 'it doesn't work all the time'. Again, it's the same thought saying this, I don't really understand. Shouldn't things be understood/known once they are noticed? Why do the patterns keep repeating still? Also, thoughts somehow are a central part of life, so they can't just stop or disappear or something.

Fabulous noticing here.

it doesn’t work all the time

What wants that? For it to work all the time? What is that? Is that thought wanting to control? A thought commenting on another thought? What? Is it a future thought? Is it a ‘this isn’t it’ thought? Or ‘this shouldn’t be happening’ thought. Why shouldn’t it be happening? What is bothered!

This has "dissolved" some thoughts since I noticed it, but bad thoughts/emotions/moods (of course) still come up, so 'it doesn't work all the time

Expectation. Do you think thoughts disappear? Stop? Or somehow only good ones appear! That Buddha never had a bad thought? The point is who controls this? How is a thought different from say a cloud crossing the sky? And then says I only want white fluffy ones up there. And that thought that says I only want white fluffy ones up there, what power does it have? Who or what is it affecting? Look. Watch. Notice. Get curious. Especially if there is resistance or emotion. Look. Watch. Notice.

Again, it's the same thought saying this, I don't really understand.

Do you think thought can ‘get this’? Does the reflection understand the mirror? Does the wave understand the ocean? Does the song understand the radio?

Shouldn't things be understood/known once they are noticed? Why do the patterns keep repeating still?

Expectation.
What are you rejecting? What do you want to change? Why did you come here? What is wrong that you wanted it gone? You can pm me that bit if you wish.
Patterns run. Sarah is programmed to do certain things, say certain things, behave in certain ways just as a song comes out of the radio in certain combinations. But what are you. The song or the radio? What notices the patterns? Can you see it? If not it doesn’t matter. The point is it IS noticed. Where are you? In the pattern of Felix or the noticing? Look!
Hugs Sarah xxx