Gateless Gatecrasher

[Ranj]

I've sat with focused attention a couple of times now, it feels good. Thoughts still come, and I allow them to be.

[Anki]

Great. Just allow thoughts to come, noticing they have no source, and let them go.

Are you clear that what's in the attention to the world, are the things around you, that with your senses they are present? Seeing, smelling, hearing, touching... ? When you sense, all this happens. Things are seen as 'real'.

Are these things 'yours'? As in: is it YOUR keyboard, or A keyboard? YOUR chair or A chair? YOUR shirt, or A shirty? Look closely into this...

And is it YOUR body or A body? Is it owned by, controlled by a self? As you go about your day, check to see if you can find a self doing the body; moving it, speaking it. What drives, walks, eats dinner, types?

Is there a WHO there, living the life?

Or, are you thinking there is a who, a someone, a self, and it seems to live your life, because you assume it does?
Big difference between a genuine self, and one you merely think is doing it all. Check it. Look.

Just keep checking the evidence with this. Throughout the day, in whatever you do, keep coming back to this focus on these thoughts. Keep looking: is there something real... besides what you think about... that owns and controls the body?

Write back to me and describe one activity... typing... and tell me all about it. How does it happen? Where does the direction and control come from? What moves your fingers, enables coherent words and sentences to pop up? Give me all that you find, after practicing watching and examining throughout the day, as directed above.

Lisa

[Ranj]

Are you clear that what's in the attention to the world, are the things around you, that with your senses they are present? Seeing, smelling, hearing, touching... ? When you sense, all this happens. Things are seen as 'real'.


I'm beginning to get a real sense of this, yes. Yesterday, whilst driving, it was so obvious that there was an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

I will now try to describe the experience:

The eyes were like a cinema screen, and everything in front was just a projection of something from the back of the head. When you play a car game, there are normally two views to choose from - one is where you see the whole car and the other where it's a view of hands on the steering - it felt like the latter, like i was so present in the game and a part of it. Then with a slight shift, there was then the sense of the 'genuine Self' (if you will) that was before all the aforementioned. Everything that was in front seemed so...erm, 'small', kind of like separate, whereby I wasn't rapped up in 'it' - the world and it's happenings.

Now I will type, observe and attempt to describe:

As I type, (I just stopped for a short while to bring the attention/focus in on the hands and iPad)......so it is obvious that this typing is happening because I read instructions for it to take place. So there's a knowing. The first part of any sentence seems to come from somewhere, prior to the thought of it, and then the rest of the flow just happens, also, cannot explain how, from where. The hands respond to, errrr, I don't know what....I would say thought, but then there's something prior to that thought, and then probably something prior to that even.

It is evident that the iPad is not mine, the hands typing aren't mine (though it's not AS crystal clear as the fact that the iPad is not mine/me - this requires a bit more focus to fully realise it for that moment). Like I said earlier, it's becoming more concrete for longer durations that the body is not me.

Write back to me and describe one activity... typing... and tell me all about it. How does it happen? Where does the direction and control come from? What moves your fingers, enables coherent words and sentences to pop up?

I can't answer this. As they say: "Shit Happens"...it just happens.

I sat watching my children (writing 'my children' out of habit lol)...the children and the wife earlier and I could see that they aren't mine whatsoever...they are not 'my children', she is not 'my wife', she is not even 'a wife' - it's just another moving object referred to as a human, female, women, mother, wife, daughter, friend etc.

People are looking like programmed robots, some programmed more than others.

At this point...shit feels weird...and the thoughts THIS can't be THAT place, surely...from where I am going to have to see things like this for the rest of the time there is breath. Instead of compassion, I find myself becoming harsh I think...whereby I can't be bothered with people's bullshit.....so I'm asking, surely I'm supposed to compassionate and all that spiritual jazz? I feel inner-strength is what I think it is :/

Over to you...

[Ranj]

Thinking about it...that harshness in fact does feel like it's coming from a place of compassion, but in a weird way....a kind of like...I want others to wake up/shake up also or something. I think I'm feeling stronger headed, if that makes sense. But then I don't know lol.

[Ranj]

I now really see the importance of seeing this for yourself as opposed to reading others take on it. It's in the seeing that we see it for what it is, right?

Having said the above, This feels similar to Platos cave theory...whereby your so used to the shadows on the wall that when you see the puppeteers you that them to be fake, and the shadows, real.

I get a sense that when this really hits home...and if it's like these momentary glimpses that I'm getting...boy there's gonna be some saddness and crying taking place like you wouldn't believe...damn.

[Anki]

Ranj, good job with the typing exercise, and the rest. We have a couple things around which there needs to be more clarity.

First, this sadness you are feeling, it is important to address it, to honor it by getting clear with it. So.... get quiet and feel it and then ask it why it is here; ask what it fears is being lost or left behind.

Once there is a clear answer, be reassuring. Let it know that things will be taken care of appropriately and that nothing of any true significance will be left behind or destroyed. Stay with this until you feel the sadness agrees, or somehow gently dissolves.

This is an important step, Ranj. You have lived your entire life in the belief that you were a separate self, a 'me'. It can sometimes feel traumatic to see that which has been so prominent, fade away. You relied on it; when gone, what will take its place? This is the fear/sadness ... and the truth is there is nothing to fear, nothing to lose that was ever real in the first place.

Please let me know how this goes.

Much love to you...
Lisa

[Ranj]

Hi Lisa

Two days back, I spend most of the day alone in my room (I know it's not MY room) in silence. Though the feeling of sadness did not arise, what did happen was that I could feel a lot of (not sure what word to use) 'burden', 'baggage', 'thought' being taken away...though it was being absorbed by 'something', as in, the environment/universe etc.

Since then, I feel I am 'sitting deeper', feels like I have entered and invaded the subconscious mind. There is still thought, thatcis for sure...but I am able to 'follow the thread', i.e. I'm not getting 'taken away' by it as much...it's clearer.

Today I an hour out in nature (lots of trees and grass and silence...except for the birds) and the 'play'/'illusion' was so easy to observe...utter nonesense being played out in the theatre of the mind.

It's getting 'lonely'...but nice...I think they call it 'solitude' :)

The morning time as I awake has always been a good testing ground for me...and for the last to mornings I'm almost in the exact same state as I am before I fall asleep...which in my book is GOOD.

There are moments of..."hold on to this, it may escape you", and therefore I feel I'm holding on and grasping too much. But the hour in nature today was a good letting go exercise. The temptation arouse to read a Ramana Maharshi book...to 'test myself/state...but then I realised that im doing well without it and should just leave it.

I know I'm not replying everyday...however, there is nothing in this existence which is taking priority over this process...it's just that I sometimes feel the need to 'settle' into the subtle changes taking place before I'm able to speak of them...hope you understand this :)

Love Ranj

[Anki]

Very wise, my friend... that 'settling in' with the subtle changes. Integration is important, and this is a very solid way of allowing that.

Let's see where you are now. When you are ready, answer:

To what do you refer when you use the word 'I','me'?

Is there an 'I' anywhere to be found?

Much love
Lisa

[Ranj]

To what do you refer when you use the word 'I','me'?

For the sake of others, when using 'I', 'me' I refer to the body, character, identity that they believe to be Ranj.

On my part, it's referring to an emptiness, a nothingness, a void.


Is there an 'I' anywhere to be found?

When enquired about or looked at intellectually, then no. When, in silence, putting forth the question, for example, "who am I" and awaiting/watching the response (both bodily and mentally, i.e. a thought-based response), there is just silence...very, very little association with mind, body or any other concept going on.

The delay in responding, more than anything else, was in the hope that there would be further deepening taking place, however the mind and body states are still pretty much as they were when I last posted. If anything, I'm getting better at watching the minds activities and the bodily state, both during the day and when I sit in silence. So there are times where a chain of thought is broken by the obviousness and a simple recognition of "who the hell are you talking to", "what the hell are you talking about", "so and so is not even here" (referring to whoever the mind seems to be conversing with...hence giving the impression that there is an 'I' engaged in conversation with someone, when in reality I'm sitting in a room in silence with nobody else there...oh the gameplay is sooo funny, damn lol).

[Ranj]

Quick question:

So, recently there has been less/no emphasis on 'Direct Looking' (which is the 'way' LU) as I've fallen into a kind of 'flow' way of being, you know, where things are just the way they are, with very little agitation or need to grab/grasp at anything, including liberation. However, now and again, I'm like..."well, it was the Direct Looking that broke through a lot of the illusionary shit and got me here...shall I push yet further into Direct Looking...or will it just unbalance the current balance.........which of course may well be a good thing, as the result will be further/deeper balance?"

[Ranj]

...and so basically: 'settle with' or 'push further' ???

[Anki]

This is all lovely, Ranj.

As far as going further or 'settling'... what is your feeling here? You see there is no 'I'... you didn't have any big obvious fireworks... and how is this? Are you clear there is no you, no self? Is it mental, or a clear and complete realization? If a realization,from looking, did that come in one fell swoop... or slowly over a time? Give lots of details here, and then we'll know what's next.

You have done so very well here, Ranj. I am happy for you, my friend!

Love to you,
Lisa

[Ranj]

---As far as going further or 'settling'... what is your feeling here?---


Well, last night after sitting for a while in a natural settled state watching/feeling bodily sensations taking place and observing the minds dance, I then decided to open the eyes and focus on an area straight ahead. This of course takes up more energy and thoughts really begin to surface more so; I call it shaking off the cobwebs, as its evident that the mind does not like it. In conclusion, I guess im beginning to get better at knowing what to do and when to do it - so yes, I will continue using both techniques as and when it feels appropriate and right.


---You see there is no 'I'... you didn't have any big obvious fireworks... and how is this? Are you clear there is no you, no self? Is it mental, or a clear and complete realization? If a realization,from looking, did that come in one fell swoop... or slowly over a time?---


Okay...now this is a bit harder to express and put into words...as I have not really felt the need to 'analyse' at all, recently.

And so:

Fireworks:

Yes, there has been great development since the begining of this process. That is, there is no worry as such as to whether I will become liberated, free from mind. There is no confusion as to whether I am on the right track/path. There is no feeling of 'going against the grain'; things are flowing much better. And so yes these are small (but at the same time GREAT) shifts, however its no suprise that they did not bring with them any fireworks, and thats fine.

Mental or clear, complete realisation?:

To begin with, the easiest way for me to try to define whether its mental or a clear, complete realisation is to break your/LU's rule - and that is by comparing it to a previous experience, its the only way I can give you a clear idea of the current state of things.

I have been sharper, and I mean razor sharp. I have felt 'that something', the 'undescribable' before. Having said that, I dont remember having a clear concept of me not being the body (execpt for when I awoke from those power naps, as described in my very first post). So when comparing to that, I would say im not FULLY realised. I would just like to point out that this comparing is not the same as I would compare before. Before I would compare mentally, through thought, which would obviously cause much distress and raise an invisable brick wall through which I could not penetrate. Now however, it is mere recollection of an experience which was experienced, and it is in no way problematic in my current development - but it is however the truth as I've seen it and see it now.

In conclusion, it is more than mental, for sure. However, below I shall attempt to explain why it is perhaps not COMPLETE realisation, as I view it in my opinion.

One fell swoop or slowly over time?:

Taking the aforementioned into consideration and what I described in my first post (flash of white light and a swooping-like stillness which pervaded the body and all that around me), I can only say that, during sits, the body is being 'jilted'/'jerked' now and again. Its the beginning of that same thing that I described in my first post (flash...). Its obvious that there is still blockage of sort as the 'jerks' are not being fully penetrated, as yet. Its during those small jerks that there is a real spark, sharpness and a real sense of becoming FULLY centered.

Im also able to really 'home-in' whilst lying with eyes closed (before going to sleep for example) which sends electricity-like feeling through the whole body and really elevates consciousness and brings a real feeling of excitement and happiness. I am being teased/given glimpses, as this is taking effort on my part, but the real-deal requires no effort I know.

In conclusion, in my opinion, the REAL, FULL swoop has not taken place as yet, but it will, no doubt, if I remain on the path (as it were).

Finally, I have never been in a hurry to rid myself of the 'green status' assigned by LU, in fact I have purposely trailed a bit behind, hence why I would take my time replying. All I can simply say is that: I'm Happy; I'm content with my progress/development/current level of realisation; I'm aware and watching with glee bodily sensations and the minds activities; and yes, I am patiently waiting for that moment when it all falls away and I can finally say without a doubt in my whole being that "this IS 'it'".

p.s. Sorry for the essay-like style of writing...but I tried to be as clear and structured as possible in order to give you a clear understanding of things :)

Much love, Lisa

[Anki]

Nicely detailed and complete. Thank you Ranj!

The experiences you are having, the jerks and other sensory things... those are side effects, and not an indicator of anything in and of themselves. Experiences come and go, and can be cool, but what we are primarily concerned with is what you realize, your knowing. And so let's take a look at that in a simple objective manner. Questions:

1. To what do you refer when you use the words 'I', 'me'?

2. Is there a 'me' in any way shape or form?

These are the first of the final questions we ask here, as you probably know. The answers are usually a good indicator of what's next. Just give me your full honesty, as usual... :)

Love,
Lisa

[Ranj]

That you for continually pointing me in the same direction, whilst i continued to point in many different directions!


To what do you refer when you use the words 'I', 'me'?

A nothingness. Yet a wholeness. It is clear there is no 'I', 'me' when enquiring and asking the question 'who am I?'. This is primarily because there is simply no reply...just silence. What USED to reply was the mind, the thoughts 'I am body', 'I am mind', and a whole lot of other murmuring which was often hard to make out. Now there is NOWT...which is AWESOME ;)

2. Is there a 'me' in any way shape or form?

No. I now regret (though of course there is no real regret here as such) not asking my biology teacher "well who am I then?" after his explanation of the Human body and all it's parts. I also regret looking/chasing high and low external objects and situations in order to find myself, find happiness, and often find...well I don't now what??? Lol. There is nothing IN here, there is nothing OUT here...yet there just IS a no-thing.